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calinewbies

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    14
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16 Good

About calinewbies

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 10/29/1968

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    couple
  • Location
    California
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx
  1. I want to thank every one for there input. I have noticed that some of you are concerned that I would whole heartedly take advice from this message board and possible make a wrong move, I can assure you this would not happen. Two4youinswva nailed it on the head when he said I was looking for someone and somewhere to be able to voice what I am going through and to get some compassion in my situation. I have no one in my life that I can talk to in this way, the friends I do have are his and when I have attempted to confide in one of the wives that knew of our lifestyle and was ok with it, it got back to him and he threw a fit because he didn't want his friends to know we are having problems. So in my situation I resort to messages boards to get some relief of the stress by being able to get some of this off my chest. I know that I am wanting to go to counciling regardless if he wants to go, I know this relationship has caused damage that will not easily just go away whether we stay together or not. At this point I do not know what I am going to do.....I have almost come to the point of giving him an ultimatum that he needs to step up and be the man I need him to be or we need to part ways. If this decision is made to leave it will not be an easy one. Even though we don't seem to be emotionally or physically connected, we have alot of fun together and have alot of things in common. We support each other in everyday matters like any normal couple, we both contribute to our household both financially and otherwise...basically we are like any other average couple in this way....This will be greatly missed. Thank you again for all the advice. I really do enjoy reading and following the posts on this board and plan to stick around whether I am single or in a relationship, as I hope one day to be able to be back in the swingers lifestyle, but for now I know I need to take care of myself.
  2. My partner and I have been together for a year and 9 months, we started swinging last July. When we first started things seemed to be great. Before that our sex life wasn't that great..ie...we really didn't have sex that much even after telling him I wanted it more, which didn't fix what I needed from him, and when we did it wasn't all that, I was most of the time left unsatisfied. In the beginning of swinging we where having alot of fun but it started getting overwhelming for me and I asked if we could slow it down a little. He kind of freaked out and said why would I give something to him and take it away, that it wasn't fare. I forced the slowing down to an almost stop as I was feeling he was being selfish and not thinking of me. We have done a little here and there but not the amount he would like to be doing. Fast forward to today.....I am feeling even more unsatisfied. Our sex life has almost come to a complete halt, and no matter how much we talk/argue about it nothing changes. He tells me this is just how he is, but what I don't get is that he always wants to swing and he masterbates/looks to porn on a daily basis. When this arguing starts he always brings up his needs (swinging) and how I am not meeting his needs. But how can I meet this need when I don't feel like he is meeting my need to be connected to him through our own sex life. I have got to the point that I have shut down my emotions and feelings. I have become cold and mechanical I have no urge to even have sex at all whether it be with him or anyone else. When love/sex scenes come on tv I cringe. I am at my whits end. Sometimes I think maybe if we went back to swinging full on that things would change but that just doesn't seem right. I know I will not go back to swinging until something changes cuz I know it will just make matters worse for me. I told him I was thinking about going to therapy or a councilor so I had someone to talk to about my problems and all he could say was that it was up to me..... I could really use some advice and maybe if anyone knew of a therapist or councilor in the southern California area that was lifestyle friendly....I just need someone to talk to since he basically doesn't want me talking to him about "MY" problems, as he calls it.
  3. I have talked to him till I have been blue in the face.....he has told me he would slow way down and leave something for me, but this has never worked....I am afraid I will have to resort to going berserk on him.....how would I accomplish this with out driving him out of the house and sitting and talking to me.....I have already told him that I was having serious thoughts of placing an ad on a website looking for sex.....basically telling him I was thinking about cheating without saying the actual words......I'm so incredibly frustrated and don't know what to do to get him to understand. He just keeps saying....so this is all my fault? I do admit that I am not good at initiating anything but at this point I just feel like he doesn't wants me sexually unless we are playing and with this comes some insecurities. I told him this as well, that right now I need him to show me that he wants me just not tell me cuz at this point actions speak louder than words.
  4. A couple of questions have been asked that I would like to address....One it the possibility of a hormone imbalance.....I don't believe this is the issue, although I am no doctor...but the reason I don't think it is hormones is because he has no problem jumping on the computer daily, possibly a couple times a day to visit all the different sites weather porn or swingers sites and will pleasure himself before I get home from work. Also he suggests that we meet couples for playdates on a regular basis. The other question is have I let myself go? I'll be honest and say yes, in the past couple of weeks I have.....I feel like it has been a waste of my time and effort because he didn't notice for the months that I have been trying to be extra sexy. I let him know yesterday that once more the lack of sex was having a great effect on me and I want to understand why this keeps happening...all he can say is sorry and that he will make it up to me that night which never happens...and besides if he tried I wouldn't be into it cuz it would feel like he was doing it because I made a big deal about it and not cuz he wanted to. And then now this morning a couple asked if we wanted to meet this weekend and he basically already told them yes that I would get back to them to make the arrangements......This really bothers me that he is all gungho to meet with other couples for possibly playtime yet our sex life is shit!
  5. Well the reason I ask is that our sex life has never really been that great and we thought maybe swinging together would make it better....in all actuality it has gotten worse...we go weeks with out having sex...it has gone almost 2 months in the recent past. As of current it has been a little over 3 weeks. He is interested in swinging and recently we had made plans and he was very excited but they fell through . I'm at the point that as far as sex goes I could take it or leave it...I guess a lack of libido is the best way to explain it, lol I don't even have the urge to masturbate anymore. I do look forward to swinging but now it is more for the thought that I might actually have sex with someone. I have even been giving the thought to asking him if I can play alone....I have talked to him in the past about the way I feel...I have pretty much stopped taking care of myself in that sexy way...why try to be sexy all the time when it doesn't pay off. Has anyone had this happen to them and if so how did you fix it? Or do you have suggestions on how to fix it?
  6. I'm curious about how everyone's sex lives have changed since they have began swinging. Has it gotten better, stayed the same, or has there been changes for worse? I would like to hear from the vets as well as the newbies to the lifestyle. Thank you for your input
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