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a_d_xxx

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a_d_xxx last won the day on April 14 2020

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About a_d_xxx

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    Swingers Board Addict
  • Birthday 12/17/1963

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    Couple
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    Toronto
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    xx/xx/xxxx

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  1. I think this is a complicated subject, we don't have all the information, and none of us have gone through anything like this before - so trying to foretell the future is hard. But I take the writings of those who have gone through other wide spread social upheavals to heart when they say that things will never get back to normal - at least if we define normal as the way things were - the way we were - before this started. Sure things will become less restrictive, and less anxious, but the emotional and social scars of this (literally) global event will be with us all forever. I won't be surprised to see a huge uptick in folks struggling with agoraphobia and social anxiety when this is all over, you cannot go through several months of actively avoiding (and being worried by) being in close proximity to others and not have that leave a lasting mark. We're all struggling with grief over the loss of our regular routines, our plans, our excitement for the future, but when this period of physical distancing ends, I expect we'll all struggle with the inherent changes that brings too (It'll just be traumatic in different ways - restaurants, bars, and clubs that couldn't survive; people who are no longer here, or the same; feelings of guilt or residual fear). Some folks may jump into the fray as if to try to reclaim what was lost, or make up for lost time, but I suspect that many of those will suffer aftershocks of anxiety, guilt, and fear that they are not expecting. Some may never be able to let go of the fear that being around others is an existential danger at all. I don't know. I do know, that regardless, we need to be kind to ourselves, and to each other. This is big, and scary, and the future is uncertain. Stay safe all. D
  2. There are a bunch of video digitizer (video capture) dongle/software bundles available. A quick amazon search will turn up dozens. Doing it yourself (i.e: not relying on a service) is probably the safest route. D
  3. In my experience a triad is the hardest poly relationship structure to pull off, why it is often pursued as an intro level thing baffles me. It is seriously hard (and rare). A triad is made up of (at least) 4 relationships. Given persons A, B, and C. Then A and B, A and C, B and C, A and B and C. It is unlikely to have all of those relationships be of equal intensity at all times. So to answer your question, is it common for one relationship be more intense than another? Yup, happens all the time. The only way I think this will work (he says humbly) is if you let individual relationships themselves define the shape your constellation takes. Don't try to force things into a triad if the relationships don't support it. Maybe they will evolve to that shape over time, but maybe they won't. Expecting them to fit from the get go is just going to make everyone involved unhappy and feel unseen/heard. So that leads to a question for you, would your existing partner be OK with the relationship structure being more of a V? With you and your new partner having the stronger connection and She and your new partner having a metamour relationship? D
  4. I've not met anyone in my polyam community who would argue with you that maintaining multiple relationships is more complex, requiring substantially more communication and logistical work as you add folks to your constellation. Because of the mathematical complexity involved, I've seen lots of "V" structures where there may be a stronger arm of the V between two people than the other and that is accepted and valued - the understanding being that not all relationships need to be the same, have the same goals, or the same intensity, to be valid and worthwhile. In addition, I think a key differentiator for those who practice polyamory (in my experience anyway) is the understanding that: Relationships are transient in their very nature. The needs of the people involved are more important than the relationship itself. People grow on different trajectories and the things that brought them together initially may no longer be in sync. So impermanence is accepted as a valid and understandable part of the relationship dynamic. That doesn't mean that people who pursue polyamory treat relationships frivolously - well not all of them anyway, there are selfish dicks in all walks of life - rather the majority of the folks I've met are very conscientious about the nurturing of their relationships, but they do accept that all relationships are going to end (or more accurately transition to something different) at some point. D
  5. If your definition of true love is that it must be limited to only one person, and that it (by definition) precludes feeling love for anyone else, then yes, I can see polyamory being confusing, because you've defined it out of existence. However, for many of us, we've let go of that definition (or never held it to begin with), for us love is simply something we feel, and it's just an emotion (or set of emotions), not a set of limitations. With that view, polyamory becomes much easier to understand. The classic saw when answering this question, is to ask: Imaging yourself as a parent, with multiple children, which is the one you love? Most parents would tell you, "That is an absurd question, I love them all." Polyamory is a lot like that. D
  6. Libtard, There is no magic bullet. From what you've written a few things jump out at me: "We all know what 'Fine' means" - No, some of us don't, some of us have honest conversations with our partners where we feel safe to be completely upfront and vulnerable. Where there is no hidden agenda or unspoken subtexts. "I assume when I return home it would cause stress and arguments and accusations that she didn't plan for once it happens and retrospect" - Ugh, see above. In my relationships we try to say what we mean, mean what we say, and take ownership and deal with our own shit if it turns out we were mistaken. Ultimately, it sounds like there is a ton of work to be done individually and together on your relationship before anything as varsity level as sexual openness is something you consider. And even if you undertake all that, there is no guarantee you will get what you want. You can build the communication skills, you can develop empathy towards each other, explore the things that are keeping you from honestly connecting, and a foster sense of curiosity about who each of you are, and what the future can hold... but even with all that you may discover that this is something that you will always be at odds over. But if you do that work, I can assure you, you will have a much better understanding of your partner, and be able to make an informed decision about what you want to do next. D
  7. Much of the above is applicable to HSV-1 too, with the added bonus that some estimates put infection rates of adults in the USA and Canada at 80% or higher. HSV-1 (cold sores) can also be transmitted during (oral) sex and result in genital lesions on someone who doesn't carry it already. Ultimately though the worst thing about Herpes is the stigma. Occasional little red bumps on your lips/junk, whoopdee f'ing doo! Normalizing it, talking about it, realizing how frick'n common it is can reduce the fear. And, in my view anyway, there is little of substance to differentiate HSV-1 from HSV-2 - Same virus family? Check! Transmitted skin to skin? Check! Can be transmitted during sex? Check! Can result in sores on lips or genitals? Check! Pretty much benign beyond the occasional annoying outbreak? Check! The only difference then is arbitrary, for some reason (well, a pretty well known reason actually - the Herpes!!OMG!! media scare of the 80s) we've decided that one is deserving of significantly more stigma than the other. FWIW, I carry HSV-1, take Valacyclovir as a prophylactic to minimize shedding, and always disclose to my play partners. D
  8. Admittedly I seldom identify as a Swinger any longer, having being seduced by the dark side and generally identify as Polyamorous these days, so my experience is through that lens. But, I find I am a subtly (and sometimes dramatically) different person depending on the relationship and partner. Things I have no interest in with one person, becomes surprisingly important with another. This extends to types of food, activities, and yes, sex. Obviously the core of who I am remains constant, but I'm consistently surprised by how different the "Me" reflected back to me from different relationships can be. So, I guess to answer your question, there is little that I view as not being on the table, it's more that there are things I just don't know I have an interest in because I haven't met the partner who brings them out of me yet. The exciting thing is when I discover something new about myself, and when that discovery spurs a conversation/exploration with one of my existing partners that expands the dimension of that existing relationship as well. D
  9. I would not recommend baby oil as lube. https://www.healthline.com/health/baby-oil-as-lube#1 Ms A uses Yes water based lube in the pre-filled applicators, they make getting the lube where she needs it without resorting to a lube shooter. https://www.yesyesyes.org/products/water-based-natural-lubricant-applicators/ D
  10. Personally I think of "Swinging" as a flavour of non-monogamy (i.e: couple centric, generally mono and hetro-normative, low emotional investment, etc), rather than a specific act or play scenario. So in that context, a couple hooking up with another couple, to engage in separate room play is definitely within the scope of Swinging. But, honestly, if the label is really important to you, and same room play doesn't fit within your definition, feel free to call it something else. D
  11. Agree with what others have said. Swinging will stress your relationship in new and innovative ways If there is distrust, or either of you have personal issues around boundaries, honesty, or abuse you need to deal with, those will likely get thrust front and center. With that in mind the above quote certainly throws up some significant red flags. It is my opinion that most successful long term coupled swingers aren't in it for the sex. That might have been the lure (and is certainly part of the fun), but what keeps them here is that playing with others gave them a deep look into the relationship they have with their partner, and they absolutely love what they found there. D
  12. FWIW, and I don't know how common this opinion is, but I don't view HSV-1 and 2 as being different. Full disclosure I'm a HSV-1 carrier. If I have unprotected oral sex with someone who is HSV negative, I can give them genital HSV. The strain is HSV-1, and some say the outbreaks are likely to be less severe, but at that point I think we're just splitting hairs - they should know that's a risk. So I disclose. I tell them I get cold sores, I tell them when my last outbreak was (if I can remember) and I tell them I'm on valacylovir as a prophylactic. But it's their choice whether we proceed. But here's the thing, I also offer options, we can have sex and skip oral, we can use barriers for oral, we can just have hand sex, we can just roll around in various levels of nekkedness. I'm not a wham bam kinda guy, if we've got to the point where were talking about being intimate, then I really like them, and I assume they really like me, and we can deal with this like adults.
  13. @NCfromVA Some additional suggestions: Join the Desire Resort Forums and read the trip reports, add yourselves to the "When are you arriving..." forum for June, and look to see if there is a online group (yahoo etc) you can join for the time you are there. Ditto on going with no expectations, it's a delightful, sexy week in paradise, and anything beyond that is gravy. Regardless of whether we play with others, we always return refreshed and with our relationship recharged.
  14. I'm a little confused by the question, for example, not sure what having kids has to do with anything. But anyway. To begin with: I don't own my wife, or her body, or her sexuality. If she 'gets fucked by another [person]' then that is because she is fully invested and consenting in that fucking. The only way it reflects negatively on me is if she chooses to do so in a way that is contrary to our relationship's ethical foundation - and then it's not a reflection on me personally, but rather on the relationship itself. We've decided that sex with others is a possibility, with the understanding that: a) We will be honest with each other. b) We will be open with each other. c) We will follow a shared set of safer sex practices. If she were to say to me: "I want to fuck that person", my response is: "Need anything from me?" D
  15. @JonLes1968, The last time I researched those reports, they all seemed to link back to a single article by a single newspaper that seemed to have a vendetta about Mexican vacation travel. I'm not saying that there may not have been a kernel of truth to the reports, but there is also little that cannot be explained by poor decision making on the part of vacationers. Too much alcohol, in the hot sun, while dehydrated can do horrible things to you, couple that with change in cuisine, water, and schedule and you can explain a lot without needing a conspiracy theory of 'tainted' alcohol. The major resorts in Mexico are well aware of how precious their reputations are. The last thing any of them would want to do is to knowingly risk the bad press a tainted alcohol scandal would bring. The Desire resorts are no different. We've been to Desire RM 7 times (and have a trip coming up to Pearl in April and will be back to RM in November). We've not personally encountered any unexplainable health issues. Or talked with anyone who has. Anecdotal I know, but that's our experience. D
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