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rose_bleu

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rose_bleu last won the day on February 15 2011

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About rose_bleu

  • Rank
    Just Getting Started
  • Birthday 06/28/1985

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  • Relationship Status
    M. Female
  • Location
    NY
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx
  1. The Fuse: First of all, thank you for your reply, and your support, they are both appreciated. At this time I would like to point out that if I cared at all about the "*societal* expectation of monogamy", then I definitely wouldn't have been in poly or open relationships in the past, let alone had friends with benefits in between. Society isn't involved in this relationship, my husband and I are. There are many reasons why I would prefer to be monogamous at this point. One of the main ones is the fact that I just simply am no longer sexually attracted to other people, as I've explained in a previous post. For my husband to be dating and/or having sex with others while I'm at home "knitting" seems to be a good way to unbalance a relationship, don't you think? I'm not good at sharing, especially sharing romantic attentions. Another big reason I'm uncomfortable with non-monogamy for myself at this point is all the potential drama and complications that are involved in poly and open relationships. I've seen it happen many a time before both in relationships I was involved in and in ones friends were involved in. Someone new comes in, decides there should be a competition, and the drama starts. Even when that doesn't happen, misunderstandings and rates of arguments go up as the number of people involved in poly/open relationships go up. I am not saying these relationships can't or don't work with the right people, I'm just saying that they take a lot more work and have a lot more potential pit-falls from my point of view, and finding those right people is like searching for a needle in a haystack for each and every single one. In the case of poly/open I still wouldn't be a good candidate, as I've said: I'm not good at sharing romantic interests. I don't like timeshares, I find them limiting. Swinging would probably be a good solution, as I don't think sex is the same thing as love or romance. Then again, I'd have to be present and involved, and that would require I be sexually attracted to the other people in the group besides my husband, which - considering what I've said before about not finding people other than him sexually attractive at this point - may be a problem. My apologies if I came off as confrontational, but I am the last person to put much stock in societal expectations and norms. I'm pro gay marriage; I have friends that are in swinger/poly/open relationships; I'm agnostic and can't stand religious fanatics (that includes fanatical Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindu, etc. Note: I have no problem with religious people as long as they don't use it as an excuse to start trouble with others); I abhor damsels in distress that don't try to get themselves out of their own messes; I think factory farming is dangerous to human health; I think the pharmaceutical companies aren't being regulated enough and should do testing that's a lot more rigorous before putting certain drugs and chemicals on the market; I think that anyone in a relationship should contribute without excuse; etc etc. Now that we've made that clear, *takes a deep breath* In terms of my husband my above update should explain some things. Apparently he never said unhappy, he said "uncomfortable", which to me meant the same thing but to him did not. We've talked and he says he's actually happy in our relationship, just a bit uncomfortable with not being able to have sex with other girls, but that it isn't a requirement. Turns out we had quite a few communication issues when we were talking about this topic, and the small misunderstandings turned to bigger ones the more conversations we had until they got resolved. ~RB
  2. First, I want to thank all of you for your replies. They have been very helpful. Yesterday I went over the thread (what I wrote, and the replies that were already posted at the time) with my husband, and we had a long talk. It seems there were a lot of communication issues involved, and reading how I viewed the situation brought home to him the way I was feeling, as well as made him realize that apparently I didn't understand what he was feeling. To better understand the situation, I think a little more backstory is needed here. When my husband and I got together we talked about whether or not we were going to be monogamous. It seems we both walked away thinking we'd come to an agreement, but with two completely different understandings as to what that agreement was. The conversation went something along the lines of him asking me what I wanted, me telling him that I'd prefer it be just the two of us, since I've seen so much drama in open/poly relationships, I didn't think it was a good idea to go that route with a budding relationship, nor did I want to deal with something like that. It was a bit longer than that, but I thought I made myself clear about wanting monogamy, and he came out of it thinking that we might open it up some when our relationship got stronger. Our relationship is doing great (we've had some ups and downs like any couple, but we've always talked them through), we move in together, get married, and the issue isn't brought up again until this past December. He'd been talking more and more about his fantasies of girl on girl (and them him jumping in), and then he brings up the subject. This is where our earlier misunderstanding ends up blowing in both our faces during our arguments, without us realizing it. He's accusing me of completely changing in just a couple of years, and I don't know where that's coming from. Meanwhile, I'm wondering what happened to him. It took us over a month to finally figure out what the confusion stemmed from, and we've been trying to take it from there. Now to further complicate matters, both of us have somewhat different communication styles that we're still getting the hang of, even though we've made significant progress through our relationship. I have a tendency to understate things, and internalize, sometimes up to the point where something may blow up - though I've been getting better at that (I assume that stems largely from my upbringing, and due to the fact that most of my family had to deal with double meanings in their verbal communications during communist Romania, and though I'm only 25, and I've lived here most of my life, my parents made certain that innuendo was a constant while I grew up). My husband on the other hand is very literal in his meanings, sometimes overly so, to the point where he will argue semantics and I will have to pull out a dictionary to point out the second meaning of a word I am using while he's assuming I'm using the first. When he read the posts I made there were quite a few exclamations of "that's not true!". We've gone through most of them and clarified quite a few. Apparently he thought I suggested swinging as a compromise, while I thought he suggested it as a compromise. Seems that came about after my friends said that if he and I ever decided we wanted to fool around with them, then the offer is on the table. I mentioned it to him in passing, which he took as me suggesting it (though he didn't say anything about that at the time), as opposed to what I had intended it as: "Hey, this is what happened today." Of course, when we later had a discussion on dating other people, he brought swinging up, and them generally up as a compromise, which is where I thought it had been his idea in the first place. One particularly big thing on his "not true!" list was this part of my initial post: "insisting on how unhappy he would be in not doing so". He pointed out, correctly I might add, that he never said the word unhappy, but uncomfortable. I asked "but doesn't that mean you're unhappy?" to which he replied "No, it does not." He further went on to give me an example: "If you're wearing an itchy sweater on the happiest day of your life, would that make you unhappy? No, that would make you uncomfortable, there is a big difference." He further went on to tell me that while swinging would make him more comfortable, not doing so would still only be as uncomfortable as an itchy sweater or a splinter on the happiest day of his life, and that he'd still be happy being with me and monogamous. Continuing on the word "uncomfortable", I had to explain to him that unlike his definition for it (which he assumed was what I meant when I said I'd be uncomfortable with swinging, but waaaaaay less so than him dating other people), that when I used it I was actually meaning "unhappy". There was a lot more to the talk, but it was good for us both. I think it made us realize that we still have a long way to go in terms of fine-tuning our communication filters with one another. We've agreed to no swinging for now, maybe ever. He seems to be content to let me call the shots on that, after understanding how much it was affecting me, if not so much the why. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to try swinging once or twice and take it from there. Or maybe not. I'd still need to be sexually attracted to both parties in a couple for that. It would also have to be a couple that has been together long term and is stable enough for me to feel there would be no drama involved. At this point though, I can explore those feelings without feeling pressure (whether intentional or not), which makes all the difference in the world. ~RB P.S. To those who said he might cheat: thank you for your concern (and yes, it is appreciated). Believe it or not, my husband is not that type of man (and yes, I have dealt with that type before). I wouldn't have married him if he was. He'd break up with me before he'd ever consider sleeping with somebody else without my knowledge. P.S. The Fuse: My response to your reply warrants a full post, which I'm about to make separately.
  3. Maybe I should clarify a bit. One of the things my husband doesn't seem to understand is that at this point in time I do not find the idea of having sex with anybody other than him appealing. Actually (and I would never have thought it possible before this relationship) I am no longer finding myself sexually attracted to people other than him. Oh, I can appreciate the physical beauty, but it doesn't contribute to turning me on the way it might have in the past. When it comes to him, however, I'm ready to go anytime. He's said that if that's the case, then he doesn't see why I shouldn't be ok with him dating while I'm not, or having sex with others, and that I wouldn't have to. He's even tried to tell me how this would make him want to have sex with me more often (and that the restriction is making him want sex less often). Personally I see that remark as another red flag. I don't see how whether or not we have sex with other people should have anything to do with the frequency at which we have sex ourselves. He's been saying that he's being reasonable in his arguments and that I'm being irrational. Meanwhile I see it as the opposite. What makes this so complicated at this point ( i.e.wanting to resolve this conflict in a way that our relationship survives and we're both happy) is that we both love each other. If that wasn't the case i'd have been out of the relationship at the first feeling of pressure in this direction.
  4. Thank you, two4you. SW_PA_Couple: I would agree with your in terms of blackmail, except my husband genuinely believes what he is saying. He actually feels that it would be a compromise he'd be ok with on his part, and he doesn't see why I shouldn't compromise because of it. I do however also agree about your viewpoint of how it may affect those we chose to swing with. fun4Ds: Thank you. Again, as I said above, my husband actually believes what he's saying, including the "it's not fair" bit. He genuinely doesn't see why I'd have a problem with it, and while he acknowledges that I do have a problem, he seems to think that I'm the one that should deal with it since it is my problem. We've been over this topic for a couple of months now, and I have seriously thought about it, instead of just discounting it offhand. At this point in time there are quite a few things that make me uncomfortable with the current situation, and while I do think that swinging might resolve it from his point of view, it would only aggravate things on my end (and I'm sure not other couple would want to deal with something like that when they'd just want to have fun in the first place). We've discussed and argued about the topic at length, and I don't even know how to talk to him about it more so he can understand what I'm going through, because he genuinely does not understand. I've had him tell me how he thought I was being selfish in not wanting to swing or date with others at this point.
  5. I already see your replies on my intro post, and want to say how I appreciate you guys getting back to me so fast. I'd be replying with more specifics and questions if I could at this point. I've already done my email activation, but it says I'm still in the moderator queue for my account. Thanks for the patience, and for the comments so far. ~RB
  6. My husband and I have been together for 3 years, and married for 2 of those years. This entire time we've been monogamous. I've been in poly and open relationships before and decided that while there was nothing wrong with those lifestyles, they were not for me. I have never been in the swinging lifestyle (other than being the single female to a couple that have been friends of mine for years, way before I got together with my husband). My husband brought up the concept of dating other people back at the beginning of December, and I was completely against it. After trying to tell me how my feelings and discomfort were irrational, he's then been suggesting swinging as a compromise "on both our parts", and that while he'd prefer to "date" other women, he could accept not doing so if he could just have sex with other women. He's been going as far as suggesting the couple I've been with before in hopes I'd be more comfortable with the idea. I've told him time and time again I wouldn't be comfortable with it (at least for now), and that I feel he's trying to force me into it, to which he replies that he feels he's being "forced" into monogamy. At first I was so afraid to lose him that I didn't say too much on it, but I've become more and more firm on my stance the more he's insisted. I've told him that I'm not "forcing" him to do anything, that he is just as free to date other women and have sex with them as I am free in leaving him if he does so. He keeps saying how that answer isn't fair, and that I "care more about monogamy than our relationship". He also says how he feels more and more restrained at the thought of not being able to have sex with other people. Of course, the more he's insisted, the more uncomfortable I've been feeling with the entire situation. Ironically I don't know whether or not I would have been more ok with swinging once I felt our relationship was stronger, but at this point I'm getting more uncomfortable with the concept as he keeps bringing it up and insisting on how unhappy he would be in not doing so. I'm starting to feel as if our marriage is in limbo at this point. Any advice?
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