Jump to content

iluvurodsteel

Registered
  • Content Count

    27
  • Joined

Community Reputation

1 Neutral

About iluvurodsteel

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 07/24/1960

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    couple
  • Location
    California

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. 10 years ago my wife of 29 years decided to go her own way. I was turning 50 and while I wanted to have a spectacular life of love and fun, she just seemed to want to become a grandma and rock her grandchildren. So I decided that I wanted to try a more open sexual relationship if I were to find another. I began dating around and I found someone who was willing to take a few steps into swinging. Sadly, after a wonderful experience I suggested we get married and she misunderstood that offer to be a "payment" for her services. So we fizzled. We broke up and her complaints about only being with me was her excuse. (I posted about this years ago on this forum. I was torched by a lot, but many understood why I made the decisions I did.)We broke up and it hurt. Two years later we come across each other again. She hadn't found anyone, but I'm not settling either. We talked and slowly begin to engage again. Slowly she began to understand that the Swinging did not take me away from her, it actually brought me closer to her, such as that I wanted to marry her. She just couldn't get over that part, but as we continued to rebuild the trust, we became very active swingers and we did get MARRIED on the beach at Hedo. We are generally attractive but getting older with a few pounds. We were nervous at first, but since we reconnected and went full speed ahead, we have had about 25-30 swinging times. If we counted the oral sex or just groping it would be double. We consider ourselves experienced, but you know, we aren't nervous or anxious about it at all. She makes connections on her own, and I love that. She has proactively helped and its been a great time. She made friends with a girl recently and she told me she was going to bring her to bed with us. A year later, she is eating my cum out of her pussy. So I guess my point is, that this Evolution of Swinging has come full circle. We go to Hedo and other places to meet up with people. We host parties at our home. Last time we had five couples and I lined all the women up on the edge of the pool and me and the men lined up and each went down the line with each woman. Later all of the girls were on our bed, just playing with each other as we watched. (I dont' deserve this!) The torture it took to get here was mindboggling, but its been a wonderful life of one fun time after another. Anyway, the Evolution of Swinging has been great for us. I doubt we could have handled it when we had young children around us, but we sure do enjoy it now. Just don't get bent out of shape and take it slowly. We've introduced several into the lifestyle and have been blessed to have many much younger mates. So the Evolution has come about, I don't know what is next, but I know it will be great. Then again, we've met several "bi" men in the lifestyle and as I have told them, I will never "EVOLVE" that much. Just loving this life!
  2. We are reconnected high school sweethearts that came together 6 years ago. I began posting our new life together on this website and talked about our adventures and how they grew and grew, and then came crashing down. We broke up and swinging was part of the reason. Not all of it, but a great deal of it. For two years we were apart. I found someone new, who I introduced into the lifestyle, but we were not able to work things out, and then my H.S. Sweetheart came back to me again. We talked about our feelings for each other, and I reiterated my desire to be in the lifestyle. She loved me, but was insecure not totally understanding or grasping the lifestyle. But in the last 18 months, we have rekindled our love and plan on getting married this year, at a nude beach, likely Hedo. She has come around to the lifestyle, in fact last weekend we had a house party with six couples and she thoroughly enjoyed herself with several men and women. So we are on fire again, and its been heavenly. Its hard to explain why I enjoy it so much. Seeing her with another man or woman, is awesome, and it makes me want to marry her even sooner. But this was not an easy trek. If you read my past posts, as some may do, you will see we went down in flames and much of it was the lifestyle, and how she could not grasp how liberating it was. She does now, but we had to break up to realize that the swinging didn't bring us together, and didn't break us up. It was our misconceptions and our lack of self confidence that caused us to have doubts. So, I am happy to report we are back together and living life large. She is awesome. Since we started this past summer, she has been with 7 men and 8 women. We've had three ways, four ways, 12 ways. We are just fucking our brains out. And what is interesting and a bit difficult to understand, is that we are getting so many young couples joining us. 20 years and younger. So, although we had some tough times, we were able to balance out the problems we originally had, and now plan on fucking our brains out, as God intended, until the day we die... while fucking, we hope.
  3. Gordo, A thousand words could not begin to describe how little your words have meant to me. Confused, Thanks for your words and time. You spent time trying to understand and not to ridicule. Gordo, I'll ask you a rhetorical question, becasue I don't really want your answer. Why have you endured this endless aggravation for wasting your time, such that you even want to rant and rave at my obvious annoyance to you? I thought this was a free forum. I thought we were encouraged to talk about these matters. I thought that my issues might have been shared by others and so I shared. I thought that my failure to have a succinct and understandable concern over a matter as emotionally charged as this lifestyle, might be understandable. Contrary to many, I did not come here to have my opinion rubber stamped by others in the LS. I came here because unlike other personal issues that you can share with close friends and families, I don't have that relief, that person I can share with. The one that is in the LS that I shared with, whose been doing this for years, told me that his 25 year marriage would be in jeopardy. It was because of his opinion that I became concerned. If he was so addicted to it, as to give up a marriage of that length, then I knew my own addicition should be addressed directly, ergo why I wrote to this board on this issue, as I have over the last several years, while my love and I began this journey. I'll leave this thread now. Several of your posts have been very harsh and direct, but uplifting. I benefited greatly from many. The others, well not so much. So sorry I've wasted so many of the reader's time. I just hope in years to come, when other read this thread, that might share my predicament, that they are not chilled by the tone of complaints. Instead, that they read those several posters who figured out how to balance thier addiction with the reality of their lives. Julia, thanks for having this forum. My apologizes for wasting anyone's time dealing with my issues. I merely thought thats what this forum was for.
  4. Confused, Your not confused. To whatever degree my posts inferred something other than what your last post conveys, well then shame on me. I believe I mentioned my addiction, whether right or wrong, in my earlier posts. They symptoms of that addiction can make one myopic. To lose perspective of those things that really matter. The addiction seems to matter more than any other thing in one's life. And I guess my point has been to say, why is the pursuit of happiness trampled by societial mores and traditions. So thank you confused. I'm looking for that "Light" to turn on, that epiphany that makes me realize where true happiness lies. In the Movie, Stand By Me, at the end, Richard Dreyfus' character says, I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" I mention that because I'm 53, and I remember those days of my youth. I remember the shear joy of the sun drenching my face as me and my friends played baseball, football, bike riding, etc. God, life was an orgasm of sorts everyday. Those days are gone, and I know that we must move on, but the few moments that I walked naked on the beach at Hedo with her, the moments of open and frequent sex around others, the moments where we shared ourselves with others, . . . were for me precious moments such as I had as a boy. Just pure freedom, no guilty, just hedonistic enjoyment of one's closest friends. I still long for the innocense of my youth, but I know that those days are gone, and that's called life, we grow up, we come into and out of the lives of so many wonderful friends, and then life's responsibilities begin to weigh us done. That's called maturity. But these past couple of years, has been to some degree, a reminder of my youth. A sexual freedom and exhuberance of love and joy, without any guilt, without any inhibitions, without any fear of doing something bad, or wrong. So my perspective, albeit, very selfish and yes childish, is what makes me happy. Its just something I have to deal with. Not being 8 again, and catching crawfish in the creek with my booger eating buddies, isn't going to happen, because we grow up. But to stop this new Lifestyle after so much enjoyment and fun, because your partner now says no, is disheartening and depressing. Which was the reason for my original post. So thanks again Confused. I think I'm going to challenge myself to grab ahold of your example, although unlike you, we won't even be able to dabble in it from time to time, and to find a way to deal with this addiction. Its not easy. I'm not an alcoholic, although I can drink in moderation. I don't smoke, although I did for years, and I don't fool around behind my lover's back, because that's dishonest. But I do love the lifestyle, and unlike drinking, smoking, and unfaithfulness, I just didn't see the negatives. Thanks again, this was what I needed. Someone who at least understands my cravings, but can tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  5. This was my private email to a member, who sent me a private message. Now he/she says I"m an imposter. Very kind of you to write me. My comments online have been very caustic. I've protrayed myself as more of a sex fiend, so as to get a real rise out of people. I do this, so they can cut to the chase and give me their thoughts, without sugar coating. I love her with all of my heart. I could never find someone who loves me like she does, but now it seems like a switch has been turned off/on, and now we are supposed to be this very monogomous couple, but we hate the vanilla life. She loved going to the nude places, but I was like, why go? Its like going to Baskin Robbins, and instead of one of the 57 varieites, I have to eat the vanilla. So I said I just won't go. So now, I feel restrained. I feel like my sexual needs are not as important as they are supposed to be. So I have to sit back and learn to live my life without something, that for me, and my limited experience, has really opened my eyes to spiritual and self fulfillment? Does that sound crazy? But it really was so much fun. I've been with three women, in my life, one for 29 years, and one other one night stand. I was brought up to treat sex like love. So I played it very carefully, never cheated, never could. But now, I see sex and love a lot differently now. I still can't and won't cheat, but I really miss the open exhibitionism that goes on at these clubs that we've gone to. So thanks for sharing. I love the people on this site. They really seem to care, and damn it, thats the kind of people I want to be around. Now to go home, and mow the lawn, fix some odds and ends, watch our favorite show after dinner, and then prepare for bed. It used to be, have sex, then find time for everything else. I miss those days. Thanks again for your help. __________________________________________________________ That was the PRIVATE message that I've written. Its still very true. Unless you think I"m some sort of masochist for wanting you to dump on me, then the only obvious intent of my messages have been consistent. I want to find a balance of the Vanilla Life and the Lifestyle. Although, it appeared we were going down that road, I'm now told no, we need to turn back. Whether the journey was percieved by you all as manipulative, or cohersed, or just a lie, doesn't matter. The fact is that I came to this board, to find some solace. I did not expect to be applauded. I knew what I was discussing was going to be percieved as crass, as selfish, and as immature. I know that. But unlike most of you, I'm just an imperfect man that even though I know something appears to be the very best, in reality, that perspection is not necessarily true. So, thanks again to those that seemed to care, and for the rest of you that merely wanted to slam me, as a means to make you feel like your desire for the lifestyle means little to you, outside of what your spouse wants, well, I applaud you. But for me, I still ong for that fun, and freedom. Whether its really true or just my dream is why I wanted to be critiqued.
  6. Gees Louise, you guys now are acting very aggressively, and now I"m beginning to wonder about the value of such advice. I specifically try and explain where I am at. Yes, its not a nice place to be. Yes, my "addiction" to LS is apparent. Yes, I wanted your honest opinions, and yes, I could have surgar coated my comments, to make me sound like some saint, but instead, I believe I gave a very raw, selfish, and direct explanation of where I am at. I love my girl. I love where we have been, and sadly, I've enjoyed what I thought we both were enjoying. Did I deliberately decieve any of you, absolutely not, but its nice to know your opinions are based upon what you want to believe, rather than what I have said. So, thanks, but other than two or three of you who have shared your own struggles with this problem, --which did give me pause to reflect, the rest were just very persnicity. (sic). Unlike Monty Python's "I came here for an argument", I came here to openly discuss my foibles, my weaknesses and my obvious struggle with this lifestyle, and forgive me, but isn't this one of the reasons that you have this forum? To discuss openly this lifestyle and its effects on our lives? So, thank you for those that challenged me to think long and hard about my decision. Who challenged me to look at these matters in a different perspective, who tried to help me find an epiphany, such as to bring balance back into my relationship, that also did not diminish my love and affection for this woman. Many of you just want to slam me for being direct and honest. How is that profitable? It may make you feel like a junior PhD, because you've diagnosed my issues with immediate and absolute assurance that you have clearly gleened all that you need to know from these many posts I"ve written over the last few years. I only wish that I was an intelligent, bright and smart as those that can summarily tell me without hesitation how wrong I am. I want to live in your world, where you have all of your lives perfectly situated in the LIFESTYLE. Many of you have castigated me in putting sex above my relationship at the same time you are enjoying that very Lifestyle that I would love to enjoy as well. I get it, I can't have what you have because my partner has absolute veto rights. Her highest common denominator becomes my lowest common denominator. And thats okay, but gees louise people, you love the lifestyle such that you frequent forums that discuss it, and then you so readily and easily can be so very caustic and arrogant in pining away as to how awful I am. If not for people like you, people like me would never know that this lifestyle existed, or even how to find a way to participate, and yet, you can so summarily step on my own desires, as if they are ridiculous and petty. Thanks to those that shared, I know who you are and I've enjoyed some private messages with you. For those that are having a field day, by slamming me for privately messenging them and ridiculing my private comments, well, thanks. You're a gem. Thats the last time I'll privately send anything to anyone on this forum. I do happen to think this forum is a wonderful means to communicate and share. I just hope my experience isn't necessarily a common one.
  7. Again, I understand ya'll opinions. Albeit, when I'm told I'm narcisstic or crying like a three year old in a sand box, then I sort of call that a bit of castigating, but then again, I only want your honest, if not your very assertive opinions. Visexual and Confused have given me great counsel. They feel or have felt my position for sometime, and yet, they have come to terms with it, in a manner that they can live with for the rest of their lives. I'm just looking to find a way to do the same. Find a happy balance between a highly sexual and out there man, and his hot, but monogamous lover. I know its addictive, I've said as much. So again thanks for smacking me around. I will take your comments to heart.
  8. Okay, Okay, Okay, I get the point, I'm a sexual pervert that will live my life all alone and without any of the things I've imagined in my life. Yada, yaday, yada. I get that. If I didn't then why would I be posting to a board that would obviously contradict my opinions. Seriously, did you think I did this so that you guys could prove to me what an awful person I am. I know what I feel, I know that its not rationale, and I know that all of these matters are all tied up in the emotions of a mid-life crisis enviornment. So I know this. My point in writing was to both to reaffirm my position, but also to read and learn from others. I find it interesting that confused, walked in my foot steps too, and now is castigating me for being as stupid as he was. I get it, I'm stupid. I didn't come to this board, and expect any sugar coating, but I want to reiterate that my passions for this lifestyle, are real. I know that. I have it in my blood. But I also have a great loyalty to my family and friends. AT the same time, we are all weighing what our lives are all about, and the last time I checked, I only had one chance to get it right. So for me to find a happy balance in my relationship with my lover, I need her to be comfortable with my desires. She isn't. She demands, that I accept her version of how love is shared, and because 50,000 years of tribalism over our society, coupled with our DNA screaming at us from the womb to reproduce, I am fighting some very natural forces. We were born to reproduce. If not, then we wouldn't be here. Sex and love are not the same. Love can be shown in sex, and sex can be a form of love, but they are not equal. So my desperate struggle to balance this wonderful and normal woman, with a fire that has burned in my soul for 40 years. I agree, that I am likely making the lifestyle to be a lot more than it really is, especially in light of my limited experience, but I"m also tickled when you guys castigate me for thinking the lifestyle is such a great thing. Yeah, right. You guys live on this website, writing about this subject on a weekly or monthly, or even a daily basis, but hey, its not that important. Yeah right. If she had come down with a disease, or illness that prevented her from enjoying sex, then how can I resent her, how can I be upset with her. But when she chooses to not want that which she has endorsed in the past, including comments that she believed she was possibly "bi", gave me the assurances that she might have been timid, but that she was still growing in the experience. Yeah, she gave me mixed signals, and we talked about that very thing many times. She assured me she was on board, and the changed her mind later. Again, back to my worries that I find repeatedly told to me by my many friends. That once a woman gets you, the sex is the first to go. My brother has been married for almost 40 years. and he longs to live my life. He says he hasn't seen sex since the last child they had. She just guilted herself out of having sex since she committed a sin by having her tubes tied. So no more sex. And my brother loves his family and he has willingly accepted that his life is sexless. So I know he just finds time to masterbate on his own terms and just dreams about that part of his life, but unlike me, he has given up hope. Anyway, I've used this board so that I could be criticized. Its not like a reasonably intelligent person would say the things I've said, without giving pause to the real and underlying reasons. I did not want any cheerleading, but I didn't want to be kicked while I was down, which I am right now. So I really appreciate the heartfelt responses, and since I sort of write for a living, I'm well aware that the spin I put on my comments have been arrogant and sexually selfish. I tried to paint it with a bit of a bias against me, because if I lied to this board, then I"m only lying to myself. So I've drawn a picture of my feelings that make me look sort of like an ass. Hell, I even said as much. So when you guys remind me of what I already know, well, thats just not helpful. So inspired me, depress me or ignore me, but I'm a big boy, I wanted the hard opinions that others in the lifestyle have, and obviously I'm considering your opinions with a great deal of credibility. And who else can I talk to, except my closest friends who lament with me about how they really understand where I'm coming from. The truth is, I dont' know that I could ever hurt her, like this would hurt her. I can't deliberately take away from her and her family the life, that I've given to them. She has connected with my kids, and with my ex, and we even have dinners together and go on vacations together. So we are all a big and loving family, its just that the paterfamilias, is wanting to be free to enjoy the lifestyle from time to time. So yeah, I'm scum, yeah I am a perv, yeah I don't deserve her, and to be honest, the hardest bit of advice you've given, is that maybe I should leave her merely because she deserves better, and that one point scares me. Because if I can't get my libido back, if I have to turn to porn, and after work masterbation before I go home, so that I don't feel the pressure in p;ushing her to have sex, then I'm worried that I"m only delaying the envitable, i.e. that she ends up very hurt by my inability to get this stuff out of my head. Thanks again for your well intended comments.
  9. Thanks Julie, You don't hold back any punches, and why should you? This is a website for swingers, and this is a topic designed to HELP. Which is what I am asking for. If I had all of the answers, I'd not need this website. Let me reiterate a few points, albeit minor. I don't mean to demean her in anyway. She's a beatiful person. She is likely more normal than I. But we are not married. She moved to live with me. I am financially independent, and fortunately, her transition to another state was made because I paid for it. In fact, even though we are not married, she is in my will, in my life insurance policies, and other than my weak assed Social Security, there is no reason why I want to get married. I only want to do it, because she would like to get married, and she admitted at the beginning that marriage was a sore subject for her too. Am I supposed to get married, even though at the beginning I said never again? Does she get the final say on that? I've even said I'd return her to her own lifestyle back to her home, which I helped pay off, and a significant amount to keep her going for several years. I don't want her to stay because she cant' afford to leave, I want her to stay because she loves being my soulmate, as much as I lvoe being her soulmate. So this relationship is only 4 years in the making, and it began with my open and honest discussions with her about swinging. I told her that I have never done such a thing, but that I would like to try, and that I wasn't sure if I could go for it, I might get jealous, or feel dirty or something. IN fact, wihtout her holding my hand as we went this route, I would have never done anything. For me it is truely about sharing OURSELVES with EACH OTHER in a open setting wiht other like minded invidivuals. So I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I am giving her ever reason to leave, so if she stays its for the right reason, and I fold, and or cave in to her, because I do love her with all of my heart, then I have to absolutely be able to say that I have to give this up in its entirety. That I have to let go of those few moments that I found the most harmony in my life. Years ago when I was twelve, I'm 53 now, I went streaking for the first time. Stupid little naked run, but for me that was awesome. Took me until I was 50 with my love, holding my hand walking out onto a nude beach for the first time. She had been to other topless beaches, and again, she had been with dozens of men in her twenties, while I had gone the Christian walk of life. My point is that you may not appreciate or understand what it was like, but for me, this was a dream come true. I don't ever care to go on another vacation, but to live life in the sun, around a bunch of crazy ass people, who openly love their spouses, and enjoy the fun of being naked in a life in which sex does not equate to sex. So thank you again for your comments. But I will remind you of one of your comments about Lets Make a Deal and the analogy you used. I've actually used that argument in one of my cases years ago when I did criminal defense work. Mathematically, when Monty Hall (that dates me) would ask if you want to change from what is behing the current you chose, and whats behind another current, after having been shown what was behind the other third current. . . . that you shoud ALWAYS CHANGE. Mathematically, you have double the chance of getting the better prize, if you are offered the chance to change. I know it doesn't sound right, but mathematically, its true. Just do it with a deck of cars, ten times, and you'll see that your first choice was only right 33% of the time, while changing to the other current had the big prize 66% of the time. Which coinicidentally makes your analogy fit into my theory, and that is, if you make an initial choice, don't hand on to it, merely because you are scared, but look at the real odds, and the real odds of happiness and/or getting the brand new car, is double. This analogy isn't perfect, but I think what I'm saying is that, I can make an emotional one, or a logical one. Even though it feels logical to stay with my first choice, the truth is that the odds say I should change. Let me ask you Julie, since you've been so kind as to reply, what if I gave you some examples and you tell me your thoughts. Today in our morning hot tub routine, that we enjoy, I asked her, about oral sex. She absolutely enjoys it. Her past husband rarely tried, and never made her orgasm. Now she loves it whenever we make love, which for us, is daily. She loves me to eat her out, and I love doing it. I want her to know I love it because, she is then allowed that hedonistic pleasure of knowing that she is recieving and giving at the same time. She is giving me the joy of pleasuring her, and she is giving me the joy of loving it in return. I just love it. I can do it for hours, until she says she can't keep keep it up. In fact, she now gushes, and gushes big, and she loves to 69 me, and gush all over my face while she swallows me. We have to have towels because she gushes so much, and I love it, becuase seh loves it. I just have passion for her pleasure. Now to the question, what if like many guys, I decide that I'm not interested in that, I asked her. What if I said, you know what, your pussy just doesn't taste right, which ain't true, she has a sweet pussy. But if I just evolved into just wanting blow jobs, and an occaisional romp in the hay. What if I dropped down to something way below where she was at. Could you or she, be satisfied in your life with a lover, that only wanted to be sucked, and rarely reciprocated. I mean if your lover just decided, hey, I'm just not interested in sex as much as I used to be, and its not physical, no ailments, I just don't want to have sex like we used to. This is not unusual, as I've shared about several of my friends. Women do this routinely. But I'm telling you, that women want their cake and they want to eat it too, but men are told that we can have our cake and pussy and eat it to, up until the time that women say no. I just don't understand why you would say no to something that at least, appeared to be a joyous time for all. And if it wasn't then she was being dishonest, or too scared that I might leave her to admit to the truth. So now that she has admitted to the truth, that which she half heartedly tried to prevent, is coming on in gangbusters, and I hate that. So thanks again, yes I'm selfish, yes, I want it all, and yes, I know I should just be satisfied. But why? To show my love for her, I must stop being who I am, and like it or not, I love being in the lifestyle, or at least open to it. Thanks again Julie. I'm just a putz, too stupid to control my own libido. I think Visexual can relate, its not something I want to feel, but it is how I feel.
  10. Thanks Visexual. I was brought up and was very involved in the Christian Church. Even was a youth minister 30 years ago, until I had to break up with my faith, because I had changed and realized that that too was also a lie. Doesn't mean I don't believe in love, compassion, and selfless giving, it just means I'm not a sheep anymore and I'm smart enough to know of a con when I was ready to see it. I'm reading "A Reason Driven Life". Beautiful book. But I sort of feel for you. In the movie Field of Dreams, they catch up with Doc Graham, who never had an at at in the majors, when asked if he wanted a chance to do that he said, No. He was Doctor and that was his life. Then we later find Doc walking down the road and now as a young man, he is excited about playing on the field of dreams. He always wanted it, but found happiness in what he gave to others. Which is perfectly okay with me. And yet, unlike baseball, in which years of hard work might never get you into the show, being a swinger in a loving relationship means you are in the show. The only reason you can't play is because you have no one to join you and that's not your choice, its not mine either. She cried last night, kept asking why this wasn't enough for me, and then she said the opposite, why is the lifestyle not right for her. We are admittedly in a catch 22. I told her the game playing is done, if I stay, then that means I have to forever give up on my own "field of Dreams" if she stays she has to make some minimal amount of attempts at getting past these indoctrinations she has been taught. I doubt she will be able to do it, and my scared as hell that she can't change anymore than I can. Thanks again. I feel for you because I know what it's like to enjoy the fruit of the tree of full knowledge, and I like it. I love it. Gees, why does life have to be so limiting?
  11. Thank you for your reply. I do feel enlightened with the LS, but that might be a poor choice of words. I feel addicted to it. I've purposefully stopped all thoughts about it for months, and I dried up into an emotional ball, like I was going through withdrawals. Yes our sex is awesome, and our intimacy is terrific, but I have to hold back, and that feels like my drug dealer who has been awesome helping me experience this new LS, has turned into a narc. Now not only can't I get a fix of this most wonderful high, I'm told ill never have it ever again. Maybe that's what this is, withdrawals? If I stick it out for another four or five months, maybe my behavior will change my attitude. . . . Or I could one of my nuts off.
  12. The joy of loving someone completely, by its very definition, means acceptance, and reciprocating enjoyment of pleasure. She lived with a sexual dud for 25 years. She couldn't get out, and now that we've tasted of the fruit of knowledge, I'm supposed to suppress that, and still consider that "complete"? I'm past the sexual games and mores that society has placed upon me. Why should someone else's demand supersede my own? Sex is, or isn't the most enjoyable part of a relationship. Take that away and you're just roomies that sleep together and occaisionally have suppressed sex. I guess that's my delemia. I wish I could cut my balls off, and just play golf, or landscape my yard, when I'm not in the Kiwanis doing some fund raising event. But that isn't me, and I thought in her beautiful green eyes, she was there with me, now it's like it has cheapened those times. Every shirt, every tourist item I collected, and hid away in my closet, was thrown away. Why have memories that were not real, only attempts at compromise she made likely in hopes I'd get my taste, and then move on. I mentioned my friend, who told me that monogamy was the way to go, and how I used that opinion as strength when I waiverd. Turns out, he lied. He said he loved the group sex and times he had numerous threesomes. He said he was just trying to keep me in check, since it never looked like that was possible. He wants to be in this lifestyle, but his gal says no, and he says he can live without it since he's been around, but if he had a choice, he would be absolutely willing to join in. Everywhere I turn, I hear of stories of how women change after a while and lose their libido, I just can't live without great sex, that's complete. I don't mind vanilla, but I want to have the other flavors, should the opportunity arise. I just refuse to look anymore if I can't even hope for a shot of fun with another couple, so I just feel like I'm slowly dying and becoming a wuss. Forever plagued by what might have been. Poor poor pitiful, selfish, conceited, thoughtless pig that I am, can not see away around this.
  13. Thank you Visexual. Your post seems to get my point, although I wonder why you torture yourself on this board, when you admit this life, this nirvana, this heaven on earth, cannot be yours because she can't be that kind of person. I lived and endured a wife of 29 years, who left me only to come running back once she realized that life should not be played like a game. She never figured this out after she had gone all in and had nothing. I lived without the lifestyle for those years, because although we had an average sex life, I learned to master ate regularly, because the averages had huge highs and lows. So I was committed to live this life out of a commitment and love. I had a family and I wasn't going to trash it for what was only a pipe dream. My best friend helped me out during this time. He had an active sex life, mulitple partners etc. and he told me monogamy was better. To not overly glamorize it, so I swallowed that beautiful pill, gladly. I have always been prudish when it comes to how I behave around other women. I don't ever want to make someone fall for me, and me not be able to reciprocate. Had one employee, beautiful, single, and with all of the juices flowing so strongly, I explained how dangerous it was for us, and she left my employment at that time. God that was hard to do. I've had women make advances on me, time after time again. Apparently I am considered handsome, and even my female clients remark about my looks. But I'm a professional when they meet me, so they naturally think I'm "special". Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm reminded of dozens of other times that women, married and professional, with children, would invite me to their hotel room on conferences. Who would want to take me out to a private place to talk business. But I refused to participate. Cheating was wrong. Plus, women seem to fall really fast, especially now that many are now going through their own mid-life crisis. My point is to say that, I've stayed true, always have, and I hope I always will to my love. But let me step back a moment, she is not my wife. We reconnected via FB, and seeing that she was four hundred miles away, I let my guard down. My wife moved out on me, and I had no desire to find another love. I'd been with three women. She was my first, in high school, then for whatever reason, we broke up. But I always loved her. 33 years later, and 400 miles away, she talks about me being her knight in shining armor, and it broke my heart. She was married, in a stale marriage, and I now still believe that to be true. But I wasn't ready for a relationship, and again she was too far away, had another life, and I could not see that anything would happen. We talked non-stop. I told her that my sexual proclivities far outweighed my experiences, and she said that she was scared of my desires. She had lived 25 years with a big zero. But she never pushed for better sex, and like most women, she became a mother and just focused on those matters. But now, she and I have been brought back together openingly talking about our sex desires. We broke the bed springs on most if the first mattresses we had, in those first few months we learned each others bodies all over again. She openly wanted and encouraged anal sex. She would use dildos on live video, on her ass and pussy, when we were apart. We've experienced open and public sex and both went wild, and we've experienced a few very limited episodes of sharing. What put me over the top was having to turn down hot looking couples when we went to these places. Many of them our juniors by a dozen years, and again, I had to say no as if I'm in the same relationship I've lived for 29 years. I see it as if she is too insecure, because the times we've had have been mind blowing. When you come back from one of the first group meets, and she jumps your bones and says, "I might be Bi!", well it's like you are in seventh heaven. That night she kissed several girls, for the first time, sucked two of the guys, without me even watching, as she was across the room and behind me before I noticed. She then grabbed my cockand another cock while another ate her out. This seemed real. Like she really was coming out of her cocoon. This episode and subsequent. Emails with other couples, and our trip to Hedo where she watched a beautiful girl n girl at the hot tub, and said that it was Hot! What am I supposed to think? That she is faking it? So that was when I said, lets set a date to get married. That was the moment I felt most connected. That moment when she holds me close and lets herself go, that's what it's all about. But even though she has been with dozens of guys, she has something about penetration, or so she says. Today, she was found sitting by our lake, in the cool morning breeze, drinking coffee, crying. We again talked and talked, but we've said the same thing over and over again. I adore her, but my passion is locked inside my sexual energy, without that we would be just best friends. We continued to talk. I posted most of what you've read above, when we continued our talks before I could finish. Again we just reiterated our feelings. Our sadness, and our fear that this beautiful life was at an end. I then sort of thought to myself, and she asked what was it. I thought just as a point of understanding, that if penetration is truly her difficulty, then why not just have a FMF? She looked at me, and again, I've never suggested one, because I felt like she would be jealous or something. She said that she couldn't think of a reason why not? But that she was not sure, and I reminded her that I wasn't askin, I was just throwing ideas up and into the wind. She thought about it longer and said, that might be okay. That it was something she could get behind. Well, I'm not fooling myself again, so as I always do, I pushed it further, to again see how firm she was. I said that a single female would come with more baggage. She might want or need me. Something that a swinging couple hopefully would prevent. She agreed, then again she thought about me penetrating another woman, and she frowned again. So we are talking, but I'm in no mood to manipulate, coherse, or bribe someone to unconditionally love me. If she can't stomach my happiness, because it effects her happiness, then it looks like we both lose. Time to talk again. Again, thank you for not kicking me too hard. But I love to at least be able to sit on the bench during the game, even if we don't get to play. It beats watching from the stands, and you might just get lucky to be called in to play under the right circumstances to catch the ball that wins the game. God, isn't that what life is all about? Those wonderful moments?
  14. Actually, I'm not interested in being a single guy in the lifestyle. I would not want that at all. I would however, like to be in the lifestyle that represents what I want, and what she wants. She had great times, but now is not comfortable with making any changes in her own thinking, and I respect that, but she expects that I should change my thoughts. Thats the thing, I can't. I've been with three women. Since starting this lifestyle, I've gotten a single BJ, and I enjoyed eating out a friends wife's pussy. She came and was amazed. She never came from oral before. This made my gal wonder why she would share me, because I have been ten times the lover any of the other people we've been around has been. So I know what I'm doing, I love what I'm doing, and I want to experience life and love with her, in the lifestyle. I've been faithful to the nth' degree. I've had so many opportunities, but I always have been honorable about a committment. This is different, this is a new relationship and this was part and parcel of what drove my engine. This made me the sexual lover that she adores that I am. Her biggest complaint is that I satisify her, and no one else ever will. I like that she thinks I'm a great lover, but hey, I like sharing my gifts as well, but again, ONLY with her consent and complete involvement, otherwise, its just sex with a stranger. Who cares? I don't. I want the experience of having sexual relations wiht her and others together. If she leaves, I won't be beating down the doors to get laid. I don't want pussy. I want a love affair that includes no conditions. A love that respects me and honors me, and is even encouraging me in my journey, as I do for hers. She instead wants conditions on her love for me, and when you tell me that I can't have something, even if I dont' really want it, I begin to desire it. Being told no, makes me want it all the more. And come on guys, you are in the lifestyle because it has affected you and your lover in a positive way. I want the same thing, but now that she has made several half hearted attempts, she is now willing to bail and she expects I'll come running. Why should I? I love her, but why should she not be running to me? I found happiness with her in the lifestyle. I'll be miserable without either of those. She knows it, I know it. But again, deer in the headlight. I love her, but I can't stand to be chained to someone's personal ethics that is shaped by old church going farts who thump their bible at anything that is fun. I just can't do it. I love her, but I can't give up my chance to eventually be able to experience what she and I had those several times we met other couples. I guess you guys think I'm a cad, or an idiot. I might very well be. But I just dont' want to give up that which has made me finally be excited about life. I'm just not going to do it.
  15. Wonderful response, thank you for your reply. You restated my own comments. I know she is everything to me, but I feel like my life is stuck in 1st gear with the parking brake on. Sure you can still go places, but not as fast and as wild as you can if you let life rip. I'm just overwhelmed. I have spoken to several of my guy friends, and they repeatedly say, Put a Ring on it, and you'll find its a lock to her chasity belt. One fellow told me his wife admitted blow jobs were not her thing, so she stopped after they were married. Another friend whose fiance and he would share her girlfriend for many years, only to get married, and say, nah, not my thing anymore. I know this lifestyle is taboo, but why should I give up something so very important to me, while she gives up nothing. She gets to live by her code of conduct imposed upon her by society, and not me, nor any logical person. So yes, she and I are sky rockets in flight. . . when we are in sync, now I've tasted from the Tree of Knowledge, and I can't go back to my pure ways any longer. I like the apple, I may not every taste one again, but at least I know nothing nor noone is going to tell me I can't. And thats the point about being free. I love her and would never cheat on her, but at the same time, I feel like she is chaining me down with her negative upbringing. I'm going to give it some time, but again, I'm in love with being happy. The lifestyle makes me happy. Gives me something to look forward to, other than washing the car, and mowing the lawn. The french have a word for orgasm, that connotates as briefly touching the boundaries of heaven for oh such a very short time. I like that feeling. I want to give that feeling to her as often as possilbe, and I want to have friends who have found the strenght of character as to stand up and say FUCK IT, I'm going to live my life doing what makes me happy. If you can't be happy, living this wonderful dream, then what in the hell are you wanting out of life, a good sturdy walker, and a remote control that has all of the movie channels on it. For me, give me pure sexual freedom of two people in absolute love, each trying to touch heaven, together, forever.
×
×
  • Create New...