Wan2Swing

no.. not while i was married... the things i regret not doing range from.. turning down a cute girl who asked me out for coffee, because i was dating someone else(not seriously, just dating) ...to leaving a very hot party i was at where i'm sure many fun things happened to give a friend a ride home... to not kissing one certain girl when i was a teenager... i have always been kind of shy and nervous especially around women... mrs. w2s is helping me to be a little more brave in these respects... and i hope that i am helping here to also take things at a slightly slower pace... we are a good match for each other... also... i am not going along with this for 'revenge' ... the fact of the affair does still bother me... and there are some inadequacy type of feelings happening... but we are talking on a daily basis about these things... i know it is important to her to be able to express these feeling she has... and she realises the importance of my feelings... we are going forward in our relationship together... we've been through far too much to let this stumbling block trip us up... thank you all again for your knowledge and wisdom... mr. w2s

Wan2 Swing her again: Help me understand why it has to be either/or? Some people are saying that we need to either be monogamous or get divorced. That seems very balck and white to me and I think that this situation is neither one way or the other, there are many, many shades of gray. I came here to seek advise and I appreciate every bit of information we have received so far. My husband has never said "No, I don't want to consider this, period." If he had, we would not still be thinking of this lifestyle. He has instead expressed his concerns about the situation in light of our current situation and before the affair, when we spoke of it, he was still very reserved. I understand that there are details that are unknown to everyone, and I will not bring them up but the fact is, we want to stay married to each other. When this affair happened (over for nearly a year now btw), we both had the choice to leave and start a life without each other. Fortunately, we have weathered the rough storms so far and there is no one I would rather fall asleep beside. I have always wanted to push the outer limits of my sexuality, it is an important part of who I am. He is reserved but kinky none the less, just not as open about it as I am, so it is hard for him to take action. Anyways, we are monogamous, we are truthful and honest, and we are deteremined to make our marriage a strong one. When the time is right, for us both, then we will consider swinging. In the mean time, we will learn about the lifestyle and address some issues and sticking points we have. One being that we will start this off with a FMF adventure. The sticking point is that he says I have "had mine" already and now it's his turn. I agree... and I disagree too. I am not attracted to females, shrug, I have had the opportunity and I'm just not interested so it will be strange to do this for my husband. I want him to enjoy himself and feel confident about everything so I am absolutely willing to try it. On the other hand, it give's me the impression that he will go along with this only so that he can "get revenge" of a sort. That is obviously something we still need to talk about further about until we understand and accept where the other is on the issue. We've discussed the option of soft swap, to ease into things. Or maybe we could have someone watch us, or us watch someone else?? There are alot of avenues to explore and I know that he is the one that I want to have beside me when we go forward.

hello all... this is wan2swings husband... i have read all your replies to her posting... and i thank you all for your thoughts... we have been talking about this very seriously... she has discussed a 'long term plan' as you put it with me... and i have made it clear(i think) to her that i am interested but i need time... to think... time to regain trust... time also because i'm kind of shy as she stated... i am not very social... and she is... i have told her i want her to kind of 'push' me... in a good way... i guess encourage me is more like it... it is true what she said about me having regretted not doing things in my past... i can think of many exciting experiences i could have had but didn't have the 'guts' or whatever you might call it... i always think of something i could have done after it's too late... you know hind sight is 20/20... i don't want to miss out on exciting things with my wife... i love her so very much... and i want her to be happy... but i need to be comfortable too... and i think she's coming to terms with that and has accepted that she needs to go at my pace on this... again thanks for your thoughtful responses... -j

Thank you everyone for the honest and open answers you have given so far. I brought my husband to this site last night and we read through the answers everyone had given so far. We talked again, he expressed his concerns, I expressed my understanding and we came up with a solution for now. Every year we attend an outdoor festival for 5 days. It is a very free-spirited event and as one might imagine, there are many situations that present themselves for some play time with other couples. We just came back from this years event and during the time we were away, I encouraged him to reach out and flirt. he did but it was uncomfortable for him. He is very, very shy when it comes to these things. One of the things that came up while we talked last night was that he regrets NOT doing things more so in his life than he regrets having done things. This idea of swinging and our discussions are not new. Throughout our 9 years together, we have spoke often about swinging, but something always seemed to get in the way... work, kids, health... And his reservations. Looking back now, I realize I was not clear in my true interest and perhaps he thought it was only talk, something to fantasize about and never actually do. We have been going to counseling and have been working on being completely up front with each other. Last night I told him that he is the one that I want by my side, to help raise the kids, to grow old next to, to have wonderful adventures with... I also told him that this is something that is part of my makeup, that this is a way that I am wired, there was never any false modisty on my part. Hell, I stripped for him in front of the dining room lace curtains when he lived next door to me, KNOWING that he was watching. What happened with us was awful, I hurt him by lying and WE are both paying for it. But part of this new commitment to each other means telling him the truth, and that truth is that my hunger for adventure has not subsided. Anyways, the solution we have come up with is to do "fact finding" during the next year, to ask questions, to continue working on our relationship and to approach the very real prospect of swapping at the next annual outdoor festival. We agreed that in no way does that mean we MUST do anything at next years festival but that he can take this next year to explore his feelings about this and I can take this next year to work harder on healing the pain I caused. What do you think?

I have a burning question. I have always wanted to swing, swap and in general, be open and adventurous in my sex life. The long and short of it is that I am married, I love my husband and I have cheated on him. About a year ago, I had a short term affair with a man from the Netherlands. It was emotionally intense but we only slept together over a 4 day time span when we met and stayed at a hotel. Yes, my husband knows, we have been talking about it for the last 9 months and working towards healing the pain it caused us both. The problem is, my desire to be with others and swap has not lessened. My husband is more vanilla than I am although he is pretty adventurous with just he and I. Obviously, this whole situation has caused huge trust issues. Regardless of everything, I want this as part of our lives. The idea of another woman touching him is very exciting to me. And Of course, I fantasize about another man for myself as well. Not the emotional side, but the sexual excitement and variety... We have talked about this A LOT. Some of his comments include: "So basically, all the variety you had before being with me wasn't enough..." "You just want to be able to be fucked by another man again..." "You are telling me that if I don't do this, you are leaving me..." The answers are no, no, and no. But I want this and he says he is excited by the thought of it. What should I do? I am not willing to forever be monogamous and I want to continue exploring and express my outward sexuality WITH HIM BY MY SIDE. We are extremely compatible in many, many areas and the thought of pushing him away hurts. I do not to want suppress this side of myself in order to stay together.