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IndulgeNDivulge

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15 Good

About IndulgeNDivulge

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 11/02/1981

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    California
  1. Hi There, We have been out of town for a couple of days and I haven't been able to get to a computer. Thanks again for the replies. bbarnsworth, I do read a lot of what's on this board and tell him questions and/or responses on the board if there are similar situations that we have talked about, so we have definitely profited already! I'm sure we are not going to rush into anything as we have waited and gathered information for 4 years already, so getting more insight and opinions/advice is a good thing in our book! swing.kidz, I'm not offended by what you wrote. I can see your point...to a degree. I was trying to get opinions and thoughts of people in the lifestyle which I did, and through that, my husband and I have been able to communicate more about what our thoughts and feelings are and he has been able to put his feelings into words when we have discussed specific situations. I also wanted to bring up something you wrote. I'm not looking for a fuck buddy, I'm not looking to have a one night stand, or quick hook up. I'm assuming that people would feel differently if someone just had a fuck buddy versus someone having an physical and emotional relationship with another person other than their partner. I could be wrong, but that's why I'm here. You also said that "This is irrational and evidence of insecurity and immaturity...all of which route to a controlling nature." Are all people in the lifestyle immune to insecurity? I would have a hard time saying that just thinking about certain situations that may arise, I would not be insecure somewhat. I'm sure we are going to chat more in the future, but right now, I need to go to bed. It's been a long day!
  2. swing.kidz, I don't think that my husband is a 'controlling maniac' or a 'hypocrite and a manipulator', but that's your opinion. I don't think he is the only guy who thinks that a threesome with two women would be hot. Like I stated previously, he wants us to do this together and if he were what you said above, then he probably would have suggested an 'open marriage' where he could go do what he wanted, with whomever he wanted. I'm sure that things will be different once we actually start actively start in the lifestyle, but we are definitely taking our time with it, communicating, and will continue to do so until we are both comfortable and ready. After writing on the board and the responses I got, I read every one to my husband. bbarnsworth, I wanted to thank you because when I read your response to him, something 'clicked'. He said that he didn't know how to put into words his feelings about it and when I read that you thought it might be a security issue, he said that was it. He told me that he used to have a best friend who was also his roommate and when my husband would meet a girl, and court her, he would later find out that his roommate was telling these girls lies about him just to get them into bed. This happened numerous times. Basically, the reason why he would want to not know the guy is to protect himself. He said he couldn't handle it if a guy he let into our lives said something that made him seem weak, less of a man. I have had issues in the past where a good girlfriend of mine slept with my boyfriend and for years, I never had any friends because of that and now I do, and it is hard for me to see him let his past dictate his future so drastically. I'm not going to push for a MFM, I haven't been. My concern was more about his allowing me to see another man, having it be completely separate, and his true feelings about it. Like I said, I do not want to harm my relationship whatsoever and I believe he feels the same! Couplers, I think that is what I am going to do. I want it too, so it can't hurt to start there! Maybe we assumed wrong thinking that we would like to be polyamory, but for us, long term, we have thought about living with someone and blending families. It doesn't really matter though, like Couplers said. Labels are stifling anyways... Thanks again
  3. Thanks couplers and rdy46227. I think that I am trying to look at everything all at once and it's a little overwhelming! When we initially starting talking about 'this', it started out with me saying that I wouldn't mind swinging. We did talk about a woman and when I did bring up a guy, that's when it all changed and we fought a lot about it. I think we weren't very good at communicating then, especially because it was a very new and different subject for us at the time! I did ask him why it would be O.K for us to be with a girl, but not for us to be with a guy and his explanation was that a woman could give me something he did not have. Another thing that came up when we were talking about it is, like I mentioned in the previous post, that he did not think he could do it without me present. He said, and still does to this day, that he wants it to be our experience. I, at first, said that I would not be comfortable with him being with a woman alone because I would be too jealous, but over the years of talking and thinking about it, I have changed my view on that! The idea of polyamory came up when my husband said that he does not like the idea of just having sex with someone without an emotional connection. That's when I started doing some research to see if something like that existed which is when I found this site Since, that is what he has expressed to me, I have thought about it and after my other situation with my friend I mentioned, I could definitely have seen myself in that type of relationship. In terms of the compersion part of it. I said to him last night that I wouldn't feel comfortable going out with a guy because I would think that my husband would be sitting at home upset and/or jealous and he said that he would not be jealous. Everything should be fine then right? Well, to me, it's a sticky situation because of what he has said in the past about a woman giving me something he could not. That meant that he was not O.K with me being with a guy because I can get that from him. He also said something last night that upset me a little. He said that I have a tendency to push him when I want something until he just gives in. Ouch! He said that he didn't want to do this and be angry that he did it. And that is why I keep questioning his change of mind. I know it's different than what he has said is O.K, but is he just saying that to appease me? Especially because I told him that I have thought about being with another man since he has been my only. The last thing we spoke about last night was me opening up to him that I have fantasized about being with him and another man, and I guess that when he heard it come out of my mouth, he said that was never going to happen. I am fine with that, I respect that and would never ask him to do it now that he gave me an answer, but I did want to know why and when I asked him he said there was no way he could explain it to me. I guess that's when I did my "pushing", but I did ask him again to explain why to me and he got upset and it's been a little tense since then. With him saying no and not explaining why, it makes me think that it could be an ego/macho/jealous thing, which in turn makes me think that if I was with another guy, it would harm our relationship! I'm sorry for the novel, but I want to give as much information as possible and it is also therapeutic to see my thoughts written down. Thanks again for the replies and time you've taken to read it!
  4. Hi Everyone, It's been a while since I have been to the board and posted, so I guess I'm still a 'newbie'. Anyways, for about 4 years now my husband and I have talked about the idea of polyamory. We haven't done much per say in the aspect of living the lifestyle, but have definitely felt that it is something that we want to pursue! I did have a post about 2 years ago about kissing a girl and thought that she would be open to the idea because she had become such a good friend and was practically part of the family, but that didn't work out the way we hoped. Although we have remained good friends Well, since we started talking about it 4 years ago, my husband has been into the idea of us both being with a woman - which guy hasn't??? When I brought up the idea of a guy, I got a flat out "no". Lately, we have been talking about it and he said that if I wanted to be with a guy, I could, but he did not want any part of it, didn't want to see the guy, know anything about it, and that basically, I would have to have that be a 'separate' life. Communication is the most important thing and I told him that I wasn't trying to push him to say it's O.K for me to be with someone else, I did, however, want to understand where he is coming from. I like the idea of being with another woman, not only sexually, but to emotionally connect with and possibly even become a family. I also like the idea if it were a man. I understand that sexually he would be more compatible/comfortable with a woman because we would all three of us would be physically involved. And with another man, it wouldn't be that way, but to me, that's not the most important thing. I'm sorry, even in my writing, I'm confused I get where he is coming from in the physical sense, but I think where I'm getting confused is the part where he says that it has to be a complete separate life. He said to me that he wouldn't want me to say "I think you two would be good friends". Why? I don't understand why he couldn't have a civil relationship with another guy. He wanted to talk some more and asked me if that was something I wanted, to be with another man. I was a virgin when I met him and I told him that I have thought about it because he has been the only one I have been with, but I would not feel comfortable going out with someone if I felt that he just said it was fine because of that! He has told me that he wouldn't feel like he could be with another woman if I wasn't involved. Like I said before, we think that we would be more comfortable having emotional connections, which makes me think that he is just giving me the go-ahead because I have only been with him sexually. I hope I have given enough information for you to give me your opinions and thoughts on this, because that's what I am asking for! Over the past couple of days, I have been reading the boards over and over and I definitely appreciate the advice you have given others... Indulge
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