geminigrey

I don't know that that is the best description. Most of the people I know personally who consider themselves in an "open marriage" know what each of them are doing and with whom. Like you said, it's a safety issue, and for a lot of them, individual 'approval' has to be had before you can go off and play. I really don't know there is technically a difference between an open marriage and swinging. I'd say it is that each of the spouse play seperately, but I've seen people talking about swinging solo as well as with their spouse, so I'm not sure.

I think you're right, actually, not just in my case, but in general. You have to start with a healthy relationship between you and your spouse before you can add any other elements to it, whether it's playing together or seperate. I'm glad I came on here and started talking to you guys, because it's gotten my brain juices flowing. I want to work on what we already have before or if we chose to expand on it. Looking elsewhere for attention isn't going to make things any better on the home front, but it can hurt. I'm still not saying that open marriage/polyamory/swinging is a bad thing, but if the foundation is crumbling, the house can't stand, whether it's a Ranch or a Tudor.

Yeah, in this case it's a little less likely to happen, since dude lives in England, but still. I've tried to get on SL, but like you said, it's just boring to me. Early on I brought up the option of divorce to the wife, and she's insistent that that's not what she wants. *shrugs* So we continue to try to work on things, and life goes on. And like rpu3 said, I wouldn't judge all open marriages by my situation. I realize there's some huge flashing neon warning signs all over my relationship, but that doesn't mean it's because of the open marriage. In my case, the open marriage is more of a symptom of the problem, than the cause. And now I sound all sad and pathetic, like a kicked puppy. Awwww.

I won't lie, there is some discord on the home front because the wife is quite solidly addicted to Second Life (online community, hard to explain, but google it if you're not familiar with it) and there's one person in particular that she has an online relationship with. And that's all fine and dandy, except that she's pretty absorbed in it to the exclusion of everything else. Will it work and last? *shrugs* Dunno...the alternative options are to lock everything down, no playing or flirting or outside relationships, or to get a divorce now and move on. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I don't really know that the first one is a viable option either, actually. So I'm willing to try and see if we can maintain a working marriage, while having relationships outside of it. And I'm sure you could find stats that show swingers' marriages have a high rate of failure too. I mean, hell, marriages in general have a high rate of divorce. Nothing is really ever certain, especially when people get involved.

Honestly, I probably won't do much active looking. There's one lady that I've been talking to in Georgia that may become a playmate, but other than that, I'm just perusing this board and SLS, chatting with folks, and doing more talking than anything. I think I might eventually wander up to one of the social clubs, and hopefully the wife will want to come as well and see what folks are like and all that. But I'm in no rush. Yup..that's kind of where I'm at. Just talking to folks, getting to know them, and *shrugs* maybe something will come of it. If not, I'm not sweating it either. I can at least say I won't be one of those desperate guys at the club, starving for sex.

It's not that playing as a couple is out, it's just not as likely to happen. At this point, where she is cool with each of us doing our own thing seperately, I don't think she's comfortable with the idea of getting together as a group with 4 folks or anything. Right now it's more like she already has a few people that she has talked to for a long time, has built a friendship with, and is interested in, and now if they ever get a chance to meet she is free to play with them, but as far as going out and meeting new people, she's more nervous about. If it sounds kind of fuzzy, it is to me too, so join the club. Which is why for the most part, we're not looking for anything, it's more like just leaving the door open and see if anything interesting wanders up. So far all I've gotten is door-to-door salesman and holy rollers, though, dangit!

And that's the biggest piece of worthwhile advice I've picked up along the road. Whether playing as a couple or off doing your own thing, have to be open and honest about the whole thing. I'm not going to make up some cover story to go to Georgia, when I'm actually meeting up with somebody. Whatever I do, I'm going to make sure that she knows about it, and that she's cool with it. If she's not cool with it, it doesn't need to happen, and we need to talk about why. Same thing applies even if we play together.

So newbie here.. the wife and I have decided that our marriage is 'open', meaning that if we met someone we want to have sex, we have approval to go play. It's still in the theoretical stage at this point, but it's still early on. I think the difference in what we're looking at and swinging is that even though we're a couple, I don't know that we'll play together. Honestly, I think she's more comfortable with the idea of having one-on-one with someone she's built up a friendship with than being 'exposed' to several people. Self-conscious and all that. Which actually puts me in a worse boat than if I were a single man. The assumption (and probably with good reason!) is that a married man playing alone is cheating on their spouse, which is worse than some single guy just trying to get laid. Of course, that sounds like I'm being whiny. I'm not really out and looking for people to go have sex with, I'm just leaving the door open to possibility. So we'll see how things go, and if the wife feels up to playing. She's bi-curious, so the best 'warm up' would probably be to bring another female in, and see if she's comfortable with that. We shall see... Okay, honest truth, I'm just posting because I have to get to 10 before I can upload my own avatar...now you know! Don't hate me! *sobs*

Nah, no eating of words. I did have a double-blink when I read the original post, and went...heeeeyyy...but I'll take any kind of attention I can get. What was it, the only thing worse than people talking about you is people not talking about you at all? *grins* And I do think that the 'niche' groups are almost more prejudicial than 'vanilla'. I've met plenty of BDSM 'lifestylers' who look down on the 'weekend warriors', gays that looked down on 'breeders', etc etc. I don't know what it is, exactly, I think some people want their flavor of ice cream to be the bar non 100% accepted as best and only flavor

Okay, now I feel bad. I'm actually the person in question, and I meant my original reply mostly tongue in cheek. (Especially the bit about being better than an old fashioned glory hole.) My original commentary, btw: "Heh...there's all kinds of boards/magazines/etc for swingers. Those meat markets always struck me as a little impersonal, but at least they're a step up from an old-fashioned glory hole. ;)" See I did come and check out the page, Julie! Even if it was after running my big fat mouth. *grins* I'm good at that, and I'll apologize to everybody here for pre-judging without looking first. I definitely don't have a problem with swingers, though I admit for some reason the word has a negative connotation in my mind. (Dunno exactly why, media I guess) But the idea that I'm putting down a whole community of folks without even knowing them is not cool, and I should know better. Ummm...anywho...I'm here and looking and quite red in embarrassment. I'm sure you guys will see me posting here and there, feel free to give me the reaming I deserve.