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SoCalCPL

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15 Good

About SoCalCPL

  • Rank
    Just Getting Started
  • Birthday 06/11/1974

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    San Diego
  1. First of all, thank you all for your thoughtful advice. I appreciate the time people in this forum take to lend a hand to others. That said I will try and address some of the points I left unanswered or unclear. First, …certainly didn’t mean to make it sound like that. The sex is great. It simply lacks a lot of the variance I prefer. As I said we watch porn together, play with toys, get in the hot tub naked a few times a month with a glass of wine, etc. but that’s as far as it goes. Next, “… I wasn’t making a comparison between having kids and swinging. That was, in hindsight, a poor example. I have since realized that my decision to have a child was one I made with no expectation of getting some sort of a benefit on the back end of the deal. I made the choice and don’t regret it. My only point was the “…don’t bring it up to me; I’ll bring it up to you when I feel like it” is not exactly acceptable. On such a major decision I think it is boarder line disrespectful to expect your partner to circle in the holding pattern until the other is ready to talk; I don't believe it would have been acceptable to her if I had taken that approach to my decision to have a child. Shouldn't this be a two way dialog until a decision is made one way or the other? Why is discussing it deemed by her as “pressure” and how can I continue a dialog without her thinking I am pressuring her into it. How it came up was when we were closing our shades for bed one night (our bedroom is upstairs) we saw the neighbors and some of their friends playing in their hot tub. Finally, Prior to being married, my wife new that I had a fairly experienced sex life (in comparison to hers). She was aware that as a single guy I had participated in threesomes both FMF and MFM. She did not know that I participated in the lifestyle while I was married to my first wife. This wasn’t something I kept a secret, it just didn’t come up. We weren’t active in the lifestyle, just played with another couple (same room full swap) on a coupe of occasions; no big deal. As stated earlier, we saw some others participating in it and she was turned on and that’s how it came up that I had done that with my ex-wife. Since then, during sex she is fine with talking about others, both men and women, playing with us. She loves talking about it during sex and gets very turned on by it. She enjoys watching movies such as “Party of Sex”, “Orgy Sex Parties”, and Devin Lane’s “Swingers.” In fact since we have started this sort of thing we have had the best sex of our marriage. Problem is she will go so far as to even bring it up herself in bed, but after she doesn’t want to talk about it. She says it’s only a fantasy and shouldn't be carried out. I, being a thick headed male, can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to live out a fantasy so long as it isn’t illegal and no one is getting hurt. OK thanks again to all for your input. This has been very valuable information and is much appreciated.
  2. Brad- You make a good point. I can see that my comparison does sound superficial at best. I suppose I was, and continue to try to convince myself that since I took such a chance with her, she should be willing to take a chance on something I want. Bad choice on my part. Thank you all for your input, my wife is the most important thing to me. As much as I would like to play in the lifestyle, it isn't as important as my family. I will follow the suggestions left here and maybe one day she will be ready. She has suggested recently that we go to a strip club...maybe a step in the right direction??? ? Thanks Again
  3. Thanks for the reply, and for reading the long post...just wanted to clear this up a bit so more advice may be offered. Our sex life is "good", great really as I said in the original post. I just mentioned there isn't alot of variety. Does this change any advice you may give? Regards
  4. I (33yrs old) love my wife (36 yrs old) like I never thought I could love another person. We have been married for three years and together for a bit over four. I have had some experience in the lifestyle prior to her, she however has not. I am completely able to disassociate between sex and love. She believes the two are one in the same. While our sex life is good, there is not a lot of variety. She is by no means a prude in that we watch porn together and play with toys, but that’s about as crazy as it gets. (the porn and toys are at my request) After some time I finally worked up the courage to ask her about swinging. Her response was not “Hell no, never bring it up again” but she wasn’t thrilled about it either. She has several issues with jealousy that I do not which certainly adds to her hesitance. I have learned a great deal about not pushing this issue. I truly appreciate those forum members who go out of their way to pass on their advice to those in need. I realize the consensus for those of you “in the know” is that this is something that I should drop and allow her to bring up in her own time. While this sounds great in theory, I am afraid I may be missing the point to some extent. At this point she has told me that she isn’t ruling it out for the future, but that she is currently just not interested. She has asked that I not bring it up again and that if she becomes interested she will bring it to me. At the risk of sounding inconsiderate, am I expected to now stand by for the next six months, six years, sixty years and hope that she will someday be ready to explore this? Assume she never brings it up, how do I avoid building up resentment and feeling that she has disregarded something that is of obvious interest to me? Prior to being married a “deal breaker” for her was kids. She wanted them, I didn't. According to her, her "clock was ticking"... I could certainly not have gotten away with an “I’m not ruling it out, but don’t ask about it again and I’ll bring it up to you if I’m ever ready.” This was an issue that was important for her and out of respect for our relationship I agreed to have a child. I now couldn’t be happier that we have our two year old and have embraced my decision whole heartedly. In other words, I took a chance and am thankful I did. I guess a blunt way to ask this is; why, when an issue is important to her am I expected to “shit or get off the pot” but when the situation is reversed she should just get back to me if she feels like it? While these situations appear completely different, the theme is common. I took a chance, at her request, and made a decision that will affect the rest of my life. I am simply asking her to take a chance as well and give this a try. Not give it a try in the “lets jump in the sack with the next couple we see on the street” sense, but rather research this lifestyle together in good faith (not just say you’ll look into it and never think about it again). Talk with me about it, go to a club with me and see what it’s about. Meet other like minded couples for drinks and ask questions. In essence, do the level of research you would prior to making any big decision in life. Bottom line, is this something I should continue to bring up, or should I drop it, repress my desires and risk building resentment? Oh, for the record, I am not AT ALL interested in this lifestyle without her. She has offered for me to do what I want on my own… that is simply not an option for me. We are either in it together, or not at all. Thanks, Matt
  5. Aside from the obvious topic of this post, this makes for an interesting “sub-plot.” Mr. 8inches: I don’t think Shelly was asking anyone to be politically correct, just that you not be an asshole. I think the difference between someone being referred to as a “drunk” a “sewer mouth” or a “cow” is quite obvious. If I take offense to being called a drunk, I can CHOOSE to stop that behavior; result, no one calls me a drunk anymore. If I take offense to being called a sewer mouth, I can CHOOSE to stop that behavior; result, no one calls me a sewer mouth anymore. However, I can not choose to stop eating. You have no idea what may have contributed to that women’s weight. She could have a medical problem, be on some sort of medication, or any number of other things. I am fortunate to have the metabolism of a 15 year old boy. I eat what I want, when I want with little to no effect. My wife on the other hand is the most beautiful woman I have laid eyes on and struggles with her weight every day. Not because she is lazy, or undisciplined, but because of some medication she will be taking for the rest of her life. Anyway, should you choose to use that sort of terminology amongst your circle of buddies, I’m sure it is acceptable and likely not offensive to any of them. But to come here and throw out such offensive comments to a respected forum member (Shelly) with over 2000 posts to her credit (especially considering you have a total of nine posts) doesn’t seem like good head work. I have been just a lurker here and probably have no business making this my first post, but I have learned a ton about this lifestyle from Shelly and others like her (WesternSwing, socolais, intuition897 to name a few) that continuously offer valuable insight. When folks start offending others in an effort to exercise their own right to be politically incorrect, those insightful individuals offering their help find other places to post and we all suffer because of it. Hope this makes sense bro, I certainly mean no offense, just trying to offer a thought for you to ponder. Take Care, Matt
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