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texmo

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16 Good

About texmo

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 09/26/1976

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    M. Male
  • Location
    Texas
  1. I am not concerned with appeasing people who are only capable of finding fault, so I don't think this deserves a response. Just take my word for it. I know without a doubt that I married for the wrong reasons. That is not a question in my mind. The question in my mind is whether it matters. Let's be clear that I am not choosing between my wife and swinging. I am choosing between the life that I have, and the chance that I could have a better life. Since the future is unpredictable, leaving my wife is a big risk. I am debating whether that risk is worth the possible reward of a more fulfilled life.
  2. Great thoughts by all. Now that I consider my motivations for starting this thread, I can't say that I was seeking advice, but I really wasn't seeking validation either. What I really wanted was perspective, and I think I have gotten that. I appreciate the responses. There are some practical matters that will prevent my wife and I from getting a divorce within the next year. So I have plenty of time to think about this. I understand both sides of this issue. Whether or not getting my needs fulfilled is worth sacrificing my marriage is still an open question for me. I agree very much with what DBL D said about people who dwell on their own sacrifices being unhappy... I am living proof. I personally am not convinced that divorce is not the best option for me, but you've all given me plenty to think about.
  3. Sorry to resurrect this thread after it was already dead, but I just wanted to reply to l_amante1 and Tybee. Tybee, I don't think anyone would disagree with your views about the proper place of swinging in a marriage relationship, and that is that it should be secondary to the relationship. That isn't controversial. I think it was tremendously judgmental to suggest that l_amante1 thought otherwise. I agree with you, Tybee, and l_amante1 does too. He didn't choose swinging over his wife, and neither did I. What's really happened/happening here is that there were/are other incompatibilities in the relationship, and swinging served to highlight them. My wife and I both agree.. swinging didn't cause our problems. It only served to make us more aware of the problems that were already there. I hope you understand why l_amante1 got so defensive in his post. You clearly don't get it. And to go off lecturing about how couples need to *talk* about it swinging beforehand and be in agreement about how it should be secondary in the relationship is condescending, given how self-evident that fact is. My wife and I aren't swinging anymore. And since I started this thread, we have settled on getting a divorce. It could be as soon as this summer, but we might wait longer for practical reasons that I won't address here. It is definitely the right thing to do, but I am still extremely saddened by it. I love her. I really love her. But we both know that we're incompatible, and it's time for us to move on.
  4. l_amante1, this was probably the most helpful response for me on this thread. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I am 31 years old and have two small children under the age of 5. I definitely am going through this personal crisis at an earlier age than the stereotype, but I have several friends my age who are going through similar things. I suspect that we will be getting a divorce relatively soon. Mostly because we're still young, and don't feel like we're in the "home stretch" like you do. Nevertheless, your words were authentic and I appreciate your ability to put your wife's needs ahead of your own for so many years.
  5. There are physical, intellectual, and emotional needs that she cannot provide for me. We were both aware of this incompatibility before I asked for her hand in marriage. In fact, we had a discussion about it the same week we got engaged. For reasons that are no longer relevant or important to either of us now, I bit the bullet and asked her to marry me anyway. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It was a mistake. Neither of us could have predicted this. Our relationship was better than ever when we started swinging. It has soured recently, mostly because of me.
  6. Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. This thread has definitely helped me process what is going on in my life. We have stopped swinging for now, and I suppose that's how it's going to be for some time. I understand the "grass is always greener" argument, but I see little value in it because it assumes that I am being naive about the possibilities that exist outside of my current life. I know that there is more out there than what I have. I am an unhappy man because my needs are not being met. Am I being selfish? Perhaps, but I think selfishness can be a virtue under the appropriate circumstances. Did I get married to have sex? That was only part of it. There was a religious aspect to it. Those of you that have never been indoctrinated into an ultraconservative religious mindset can't really understand this. Although this is in the past now, it's still important for me to understand how I got to this point in my life. I'm not sure if this thread even belongs on a swinger board, because there is so much more to my story than the swinging. But you folks have been very helpful and, once again, I appreciate the comments.
  7. A fair question. We've had both happy and unhappy times. The swinging contributed to our current situation, but it was already there before. As I mentioned earlier, I married her for the wrong reasons. Now I'm trying to figure out whether that even matters. This is an important observation, I think. I've certainly felt deep and overwhelming compassion for her at times. I love her in that sense. I don't feel any romantic love for her, and having felt it before with other women from my past, I know how romantic love feels. As I said above, I'm trying to figure out if any of this matters. I suspect that it does.
  8. Thanks everyone for your thoughtful words. I want to be clear that I do not have any illusions of getting more sex by being a single male. I understand clearly what I would be giving up by leaving my wife. This isn't about sex. It's about happiness. I don't know if I love my wife the way that I should. I appreciate the suggestions that I go see a counselor. At this point, I am not interested in couples counseling. I think I need to see someone by myself so I can first digest why I am feeling the way I do.
  9. celtic, I am with you here. I understand what is at stake. I have thought about my situation and analyzed it from every angle. I have thought about the consequences of leaving my spouse and the impact it would have on my two children. My wife and I have had lots of recreational sex over the last 7 months, and it was never intended to replace the relationship between my wife and me. It's just that the lifestyle had some unintended consequences. It has awakened in me a desire for more. I spoke with my wife tonight. She told me a lot of things that were painful for me to hear. She feels like her efforts to create a family life--supporting me when I was in school, ravaging her body by having two children, cooking, cleaning, ironing my shirts, etc., she feels like it was all a waste. She is regretting the life she has had with me. And who could blame her? I am not trying to make excuses for myself.. I am just being real. This is a shitty situation. Anyway, I appreciate the responses that I have gotten so far on this thread. All great reminders and important things to consider.
  10. Let me clarify. I didn't mean that my love life is more important than my kids. What I meant was that I am having trouble coping with my love life situation, and that my troubles have nothing to do with my kids. I love my kids.
  11. It helps to know that I'm not the only one. Thanks Genie. She claims that she won't under any circumstances marry another person for as long as she lives. I tend to believe her, although she could definitely change her tone when she feels lonely. As for myself, I am not interested in completely abandoning my children. I would probably share the child-rearing responsibility with her, as she does not ever wish to be a single mother. I am more concerned about my love life (and sex life) than the situation with my kids.
  12. I am a bitter anti-religious person now because of this. It will take some time to heal. That sounds like a classic Cinderella rock song from the 80's. I suspect that you're right. She was unequal from the beginning. I married her for the wrong reasons, reasons that were dictated by my religious upbringing. I couldn't have sex before marriage, and I was horny. As I was considering marrying her, red flags were going off in my head, but I ignored those red flags and took the plunge. We approached swinging because both of us wanted to experience more. I think one thing that could have happened is that once she experienced it, and realized for herself that there wasn't much to it, she decided that she no longer wanted to do it. She is done playing around, but I have only just begun.
  13. No, she hasn't. Her reasons are still unclear to me. From what I can gather, it's that she doesn't feel close to me anymore, and she doesn't want to "take one for the team." I don't expect her to. This is more of an early mid-life crisis, as sigh35 said. That's absolutely what it is, and I could have said that in the first place. This means that it has less to do with swinging than a desire to experience more.
  14. I joined this community today because I am looking for some anonymous advice, and I'm sure you will be able to help me. My wife and I have been married for 6 years, and knew each other for 8 months before we got married. We used to be religious Christian conservatives, and we met and married each other while attending a private faith-based university that we were both attending. Life was innocent back then. We followed the expectations of our religious community, one that stresses the importance of family values. She was 8 months pregnant with our first child on our first anniversary. We had a second child about a year ago. Since that child was born, we have both had an "awakening" of sorts, and we have abandoned our faith. This was exhilirating, because it opened a new world of possibilities for us. Among those possibilities was the idea that we could have sex with other people, and there was no God or church to judge us for it. I understand that many people in the lifestyle remain religious and God-fearing people, but our circumstances and thought processes are different now. We have now been swinging for about 7 months, and have thoroughly enjoyed it. I thought we would continue in the lifestyle indefinitely, but now my wife wants to quit. I've read most of the threads on this board dealing with a spouse that wants to quit (usually the wife) and have read the advice given. I understand that swinging is a partnership, and that if one person in the partnership wants to quit, then that's the end of the discussion. Marriage means devoting yourself to your spouse. The problem that I am facing is that I no longer embrace monogamous relationships like I did when I still maintained my religious faith. I now feel like I am a man of the world, and I want to experience everything that the world has to offer. I have realized that my wife does not wish to join me on such a journey. I want to experience a variety of women and get to know a variety of people. I don't think that I can be happy if I remain with my wife. I don't understand her. I am contemplating divorce. What advice can you folks give me on this? I can understand if your first reaction is, "Hey, this guy is abandoning his wife and family just so he can get his rocks off!" but its a lot more complicated than that. It's more about wanting to experience life, and realizing that I can't do that with my spouse.
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