twoloves

Hello, Mr. Twoloves here. Sorry I haven't given updates. Mrs. T didn't want me to. I'm sorry I couldn't reply. Many of you gave great advice. It's ironic that my first post was exactly one year ago today. It's ironic because my attorney filed a petition for dissolution today. Very sad. I have finally had enough. In April when I almost filed but then pulled the petition, thinking that maybe we could finally work things out, I was rewarded with a multitude of lies over the next 3 months. Lies from my wife. She fell under the spell of this married fellow who isn't leaving his wife. He encouraged her deceit. Our 26 yr marriage, a great family, is now in shambles. Destroyed. We are decimated financially if/when this goes through. At the 11th hour of filing this petition she said it would be over with him. No contact. I don't believe it. Time will tell. Too little, too late. I said I would try for reconciliation over the 90 cooling off period, before the dissolution is final, but that I wasn't pulling the paperwork this time. She hasn't yet owned her responsibility for the pain and deceit she has wrought. Until she does, until she shows me that she wants ME, loves ME, then I don't think this will work. There has to be remorse, contrition and a willingness to do whatever it takes to get back on track. I'm not unreasonable, but I'm not going to just accept her word for everything anymore. I did that last time and I got screwed. Needless to say we have dropped the lifestyle for the time being. Possibly forever? We will know the final outcome to this travesty in 90 days or less. If there are any lessons in this sad tale it is this: Don't ever go solo. Always play together. It may be separate room but make sure you're under the same roof. If there is any sign of emotional involvement, don't walk, RUN the other way. Always commit to going as slow as the slowest spouse. Thank you all for your sage and kind advice. Mr. Twoloves

Hello again. And thanks for all of your thoughtful replies. I haven't responded on this thread because my wife would rather that we don't air our 'dirty laundry', so to speak. Where we stand now. After I told my attorney to file and began to move out of our bedroom to a downstairs bedroom she finally came around. However, it came down to either I let her do this guy every few months or we get out of the LS. I think that is unreasonable. I still haven't gotten together with my 'friend'. That is over. Whether this marriage is over or not is still up in the air. She is looking at June or July as another 'get together' with this person. It won't be a group thing, I said that was out and she finally agreed. It will be a one on one somewhere, if it goes at all. As the time gets closer my anxiety goes up. I agree with all of the advice of the above. I can't believe that my wife would hang on to this guy so tenaciously. I'm not telling her that she can't screw someone else. I'm just saying that we went to far by each of us going solo, now let's stick to couples. Thanks for you insights. Mr 2luvs.

Everyone is different and while this may work for you and your husband it didn't work for myself and my wife. Although, initially, it was a heckuva lot of fun . When she went out I was charged with sexual tension (good) and anxiety (bad). We screwed like rabbits when she came back. Then I went out and had fun with my friend. No problem. Then she went out and became more emotionally involved than me. It has taken a long time and a very heavy toll on our relationship to get back on track. My advice is to keep it a fantasy. Stick to swinging together and/or threesomes with hubby present or close by.

UPDATE: This continues to be an ongoing problem. The irresistible force meets the immoveable object. Any advice? Since July, when I last wrote, wife and I continued our solo play until late September when I stopped seeing my friend. I stopped seeing my friend because the enjoyment I got from that friendship was not worth the pain I experienced when my wife went off for foursomes with her friend (s). I asked her to stop and get back to doing just couple activity. She said no, that she really enjoyed the friendship and sex. We argued a lot. Harsh words. Hard feelings. I acquiesced to two more of her foursomes. Once in October and once in December. I did this because I thought I owed her (number of times). In November and December we talked with a therapist and we both saw an attorney to get background info on a possible divorce. The therapy was inconclusive and very expensive. We stopped that. The attorney is drawing up a marital agreement at this time in case we end up in divorce proceedings. It isn't finished yet. I asked her to stop again. I told her it hurts me and angers me. Asked her to start out '04 as a couple in the lifestyle and forgo solo play. She said no, that she plans to see her friend for the forseeable future. She said it's fun and is just sex, that she isn't leaving me and he isn't leaving his wife. She said I was "controlling" and overbearing. I still haven't seen my friend since September and I will not see her. My desire for the lifestyle has diminished now due to the problems we have. She says this is the lifestyle, get used to it. I say the lifestyle is about couples. We pushed the envelope, we both had fun, let's quit now, while we are ahead. Our options are thus: 1) I forbid her to see him. (She said that she would be very upset and her feelings for me may change and our sex life would greatly diminsh. Not a good option. Besides, I would want her to stop because she loves me and is of her own volition.) 2) The latest "compromise" from her is for her to be allowed to see him 4-6 more times and continue to IM and phone. This would take us into next September or so. (The problem with this option is that I don't like the stress/anxiety this causes me and I don't feel it's fair to put me through this. I fear there may be some degradation in my feelings for my spouse.) Am I wrong here? Am I too controlling? Should I just let her go and not worry about it? Am I being paranoid? Have we just, after 25 years, come to separate roads? Any other ideas out there? Have any of you out there negotiated solo play successfully? 2luvs

Thanks one and all for your great and thoughtful responses. Your advice is very much appreciated from Ms 2luvs and myself. After much discussion we have decided to continue with solo swinging. Although we have tabled the idea of her in a foursome without me being there. Solo or separate (whatever the term is) swinging can be a great experience. One thing my wife say's is that we're making much adoo about nothing; when we're in our 80' with the drools we'll wonder what all the fuss was about and wish we had done more! Ok, to answer a few questions: Not a question but a great statement, funpairTX. That is where we are. Don't want to throw the barrel out with the bathwater, but want to make each other happy. Good point, eternally single, and close to the mark. Thanks NightGoddess. She was just a little uncomfortable but not much figuring her turn would come eventually. No payback type issue. Excellent point Nymph an Satyr. No poly for me. Hard enough dealing with one other person much less a number of other people. And, yes, it did bother me. My thoughts on playing alone in general (and it worked for us). If you come as a couple then we come as a couple. If one of us (or you) isn't interested, then neither of us play. If we play alone then it's with singles only.> Julie, playing alone bothers me more than it botherd her when I played alone. The idea of playing with this guy didn't bother me as much as his little "chatty" emails. (We share everything including emails). And, her playing with this other couple really bothered me because I don't want to feel like my wife is a slut that is screwing all over town. I know, I know, don't blast me...women aren't sluts because they sleep around...it's just this feeling I get. Hell, I can't explain it. Also, Julie, your rules are good; I just want to keep an open mind although the road is a little rockier. Having said all that, and now you're going to shoot me...my single friend called and wants to get together again ...wife says go for it but just remember when it's my turn...dang, I'd like to be with this gal again...can I have my cake and eat it too?....now, it's back to let's make a deal time! Part of the whole issue is that my beautiful wife is more of a stoic, (english/welsh background) and I am more passionate (read latin male). I have a question for you all: For those that have been swinging separate in the past or still are, how's it going? Any rules that you adhere to? Why did you stop? Is it working? Thanks again for your great replies. They were great. Thanks for this wonderful forum. 2luvs :lol:

Need advice...here's the situation: Solid marriage, couple of decades, middle-aged, absolute trust, great communication, swinging for several years, full swap...not belt-notchers but experienced... A few yrs ago wife had a couple of solo play times with guy acquaintances. I said if I ever had the chance I would like to do that. Not jealous of guys, just jealous of the experience. Most of our play has been couple with couple, same room and separate room. Fast forward to the last 6 months...I have been with a single female 6 times solo. It was great. Wife said to go for it. NOW....wife meets dude at club...dude's wife and I do not click...there is a suggestion that my wife has 4 some with dude while his wife is with a different guy that she has been solo with a few times. (I stipulated that wife play only with dude while dude's wife plays with other guy. No interaction between my wife and other guy although the 2 females played some). Wife says, "hey, it's my turn, suck it up". I say ok. Wife comes home from play. I say glad ya had a good time but are we done now? Wife: nope wanna do it again. I say: no foursomes, this is a couple gig. And besides I'm not handling it as well as I thought I would. Wife: suck it up, I like the guy and want to do it again. BTW, readers, fellow sends chatty emails every week. This bugs me. Ok, sorry to go on...I acquiesce to a 3-some with me and dude to make wife happy and to try and "level" the tables but no more 4-somes with somebody else and I'm not there. What do I do? I am uncomfortable now with solo play. I don't deal with it as well as I thought I could. Am I being selfish? She isn't going to run off with other fellow, it's just that I don't want to share unless we're playing as a couple. I changed my mind. I don't want some other fellow sending emails and trying to be my wife's "buddy". She say's I'm controlling. Resents that. Say's I had my fun and now it's her turn, sorry how you feel. I ask when will it end, when you have 3 more times alone? She say's not sure, maybe more...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... Am I screwed up? I want to be fair but...?