Indiguy

Thanks for some extremely insightful comments here...I feel embarrassed that I don't seem to have the same level of insight or the same grasp on relationship (between husband and wife), and obviously I don't have the same morals... I guess I must have been extemely naive to think that individuals, even after marriage, can have a mind of their own, with their own desires and curiosities. It seems like I was wrong to think of marriage as a loving relationship - the most important one - where we commit to be with someone for life, and raise children, without insisting that we both agree on everything - little or big - and do the same thing - little or big - and make the same choices in everything. Gosh, I really feel like a selfish, immoral philanderer... And to think that I, like anyone else, could hope to evolve and mature as the years go by, so that we could move from the possessive nature we had when we were young, into a more accepting human being - seems silly now that I've read all the wisdom here. And worse still - to imagine that I was part of a revolution where we question traditional mores and find our own path, and to seek support from like-minded folks who are trying to grapple with various issues arising from this revolution - seems funny now. I mean, I honestly thought that swinging is a broad concept that would change marriages from a possessive, controlling set up, into a more accepting relationship - you accept your partner's desires, or at least try to understand them, and not make some superficial change - where you say, either we do it together, or we don't. I think I see what the problem is - the problem is my level of understanding and my level of maturity. Whereas I am still toying with the idea and trying to deal with some minor hassles even before I have met any woman outside of my marriage, it seems like I made the mistake of trying to rub shoulders with veterans who have already mastered the art of relationship and found all the answers to all the issues that could possibly arise. May be I should go back to being an anonymous reader, reading the various posts and marvelling at the energy and creativity of the revolutionaries...and also work on my relationship and my morals... Thank you all, wonderful teachers. So long !

First of all, I want to thank you all for taking the time to reply. I think I see your point of view - and it just occurred to me that if my wife indeed is ready for the lifestyle, and if we come across a married man in my situation, I might perhaps feel the same way that most of you folks do (unless I happen to know this man personally). That said, I just wanted to make a clarification here: I posted on this subject, not so much from frustration at not finding anyone to swing with, but more as a reaction to one response I got online from a couple who thought I was one of those "cheating husbands". Of course, based on subsequent correspondence, he (the husband) even apologized to me, which I think was extremely nice of him to do. About a year ago, I got a similar response from a single woman who thought I was cheating on my wife. It is a fact (for me, definitely) that I am not cheating, but I have to face the reality - how would the other person know? And, obviously, it is important for them to know. So, I guess I need to find alternatives to the online search. Also, I guess I shouldn't be offended by someone suspecting me to be a cheating husband - but that is going to take some work Actually, I have mentioned on my personal ad that my potential "friends" could meet my wife if they want to. Also, I want to respond to a comment that my swinging alone could affect my marriage: My wife and I have talked about this subject, regularly, for two years. I have told her on several occasions that I am perfectly ready for her to experience another man - this is our tenth year of marriage, and we have a wonderful daughter. As far as I'm concerned, nothing (except may be a road accident) can affect our marriage. My wife tells me nowadays that I had better start looking for some fun before I'm too old. She is even friends with some single women that she knows I'm attracted to. After thinking about this subject and reading quite a bit on this, I am fully convinced that the time has come for society in general to re-think on certain "traditional" concepts. At the very least, individuals and couples should be honest with themselves and with each other, and have the courage to ask "What would happen if ..." and "Why should my marriage be affected just because I find other women/men attractive and want to spend an evening or night with them?". I personally know of many marriages that have been rocked because of a secret affair of one of the spouses. I feel that there should be no need for cheating - when we start to look at relationship and pleasure differently. My wife shares my ideas - but she just feels it's too much hassle for her to get into bed with a stranger, especially since she's getting all that she needs (and all that she can handle - in her words)... Sorry about the rambling - especially the last part - it's like preaching to the already converted! And thanks once again to all those who took the time to respond. It sure helps to put things in perspective - especially from the other side.

I was reading a post on this subject - I completely empathize with Avanti100 and want to reopen the thread "How do i get involved"... Here's my situation: My sex life is pretty good, considering that this is our 10th year of marriage. My wife says she's pretty satisfied, esp. since she's finding out that not all of her friends get to orgasm with their husbands...whereas she routinely does, with me. I've asked her in a number of ways - for the variety, for the size, for the thrill, etc. - over a period of two years, and she has made it clear that she doesn't want it. But she has made it clear, too, again, over a period of two years, that she has no problem if I want to explore my curiosity on my own, with other women. So, this essentially makes me a single male. Actually, worse - this makes me look like a "cheating" husband. But I find this completely insulting - and rather unfortunate. Here's why: 1) Everyone will have their own motives for wanting to explore partners outside of their marriage. In the same way, if someone doesn't want (e.g., my wife) anything outside, that should be fine, too... 2) Just as communication is important between swinging partners, it's equally important when one partner wants to and the other permits...perhaps, more important. And I fully realize this... 3) So, now, the problem is merely verifying if this situation is true or not - which is quite simple. If everyone is comfortable, a meeting could be arranged, and it should become clear that the married man (me, e.g.) has the wife's permission. Instead, it seems that everyone has this notion that a married man trying to find outside pleaure is somehow "cheating", and all the advice that's given follows from this assumption...It's not fair... Here's why I find this situation unfortunate: Just as my wife respects my desires and encourages me to try things outside, I feel I must respect her choice for not meeting other men for sex. If I don't, then I may have to persuade her to consider the lifestyle, so that I don't appear like a cheating husband - obviously that's not on! The swinging community folks are supposed to be trendsetters and pathbreakers in finding new ways of dealing with our pleasure urges, while keeping the family intact. The fact that they take a risk (of going against conventional morals) shows that they are willing to look at things without the burden of traditional baggage. If that is the case, then why should married men seeking pleasure outside home be looked at with suspicion? There are cheating husbands - but there are also men who have their wifes' permission... What is missing is a suitable bracket, or a label, for such folks... There are forums for husbands with hotwives, and there are forums for cuckolds - and these are accepted categories. But what about married men who have their wifes' permission to seek pleasure outside? And, let me tell you - married men, who have their wifes' permission, can be great company - not just for couples, but even for the single women out there - if only they can drop their suspicion and see for themselves...