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hedobandito

Is it possible to ask him to stop swinging?

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Ok, I'll try to put this in a nutshell. Hubby and I have been swinging for 7 years. A year ago I found out he has been cheating on me. He was setting up meets on craigslist. This escalated from video chat sex. I am not comfortable with video chat sex and didn't want him to do it without me. He did anyway. This grew into an obsession and culminated in meeting for sex behind my back. I busted him last July when he forgot to clear the history. (I knew something was wrong by the way he was acting so I had begun checking up on his internet history.)

 

He was extremely remorseful, begged me to stay. Promised to change. Initially I made "no more swinging" a condition of reconciliation because he claimed to think that since we were swingers, he wasn't really cheating. um... yeah... but we have so many dear friends in the lifestyle that I wanted to see if we could still be swingers on MY terms (he is used to calling the shots) while healing our marriage. He agreed to try. To say it has been rocky is an understatement. He has continued to push boundaries and claim ignorance of the boundaries. Lately we have not really been active in the lifestyle. Aside from a party a few weeks ago we haven't played in several months because I just can't take the turmoil. I have decided that I want to stop swinging, possibly forever. Hubby is not taking it well at all. He is distant and brooding. He thinks I am just trying to control him.

 

My motivation is to eliminate an emotionally charged arena from our delicate marriage. He sees only a controlling shrew of a wife who has "changed". I fear we are doomed. But, I am not a man. Am I asking too much of man who has had such freedom? Can he ever go back to being monogamous and happy?

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I once read here, "swinging means never having to think about cheating again". I remember when my wife joined me in swapping and how I never thought about other women, other than our swinging partners.

 

Then my wife wanted to quit and we did. I did think about other women again.

 

Years later she decided to join me again, if only in soft swinging. Again, I was content with just her.

 

Your husband cheated while you were joining him in swinging. I'm afaid that the answer to the question in your last line is obvious to you. I'm so sorry for you.

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My motivation is to eliminate an emotionally charged arena from our delicate marriage. He sees only a controlling shrew of a wife who has "changed". I fear we are doomed. But, I am not a man. Am I asking too much of man who has had such freedom? Can he ever go back to being monogamous and happy?

 

Men are not animals at the mercy of our penises. We are thinking, rational beings just like women. Your husband made a choice to cheat. He continues to make that choice. He is trying to manipulate you into thinking that you are in the wrong when, by any rational standard, he is.

 

You are asking him to follow the rules and guidelines for swinging that the two of you had as a couple. You are asking him to adhere to the basic rules of swinging, that to be successful you must have honest and open communication and operate at the comfort level of the least comfortable partner. In contrast, he is asking you to allow him to do whatever he pleases without regard for your feelings. He is the one asking too much.

 

As for whether or not he can go back to being monogamous and happy... what I think you are really asking is can your marriage be saved. I can't answer that, not from a single post on an internet forum from only one perspective in the couple. However, I would say it wouldn't be a bad idea to look into good divorce lawyers in your area.

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He sees only a controlling shrew of a wife who has "changed".
My guess is that he'll use that as justification to continue cheating and bending the rules. Sounds like you're in a no win situation.

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I want to thank each of you for your input. My post was a reaction to a long discussion between hubby and I last night. He went to bed early and the discussion was left in such a way that I felt little hope. He wants to "have his cake and eat it too". Interestingly, he called from work just now and said he is ready to stop swinging and has found us a new counselor. (I had expressed that I wasn't really happy with the one we have been going to.) Although I would like to be excited by this development, I am guarded.

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We sincerely wish you the best of luck. Give it a try, but don't waste too much of your life waiting for him to get the message. Perhaps YOU should chose the counselor.

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The issue here isn't swinging. It's your husband. Cheating is about more than just sex and there's something more going on with him. He shouldn't have needed to cheat when you were already swinging, but he did, which says there was something he was missing. He's not happy in your relationship and my guess is that he thought swinging would give him the "freedom" to get what would make him happy, however it wasn't enough so he kept seeking and still is.

 

Yes, you should ask him to stop swinging and you should also ask him to go to marital counseling with you to help you figure out what is going on with him and what the two of you need to do together to save your relationship, if it can be saved.

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You may be asking more than he can do right now. It sounds a bit like he is a sex addict and not in a good way. If he wants to save the marriage, he is going to have to figure out who he is and what he wants and to make changes. And even then, he may want to have you but in an open marriage. You might want to figure out what you want and if who he is, you want to be with.

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A slightly different take. Something happened after 6+ years in the lifestyle that caused him to change his behavior. Understanding what triggered that change is key to understanding why he has behaved as he has. Yes, he is pushing boundaries. Yes, there is some unfulfilled need. But it seems unfair to label him a "sex addict" based on the limited information that we have. He is looking for something that he perceives as missing--why else would he take the time and risk? It might not be rational in our thinking, but it could well be in his. Part of the process of understanding will be to consider how your relationship has evolved and changed. Maybe he, maybe you, maybe both of you have changed in some dimension. Clearly, your perspective about the LS-> monogamy has changed.

 

Both of you seem committed to sorting through this with a counselor/therapist, and we ought to wish you the best of luck in finding out what has happened and in finding common, happy ground.

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A slightly different take. Something happened after 6+ years in the lifestyle that caused him to change his behavior. Understanding what triggered that change is key to understanding why he has behaved as he has. Yes, he is pushing boundaries. Yes, there is some unfulfilled need. But it seems unfair to label him a "sex addict" based on the limited information that we have. He is looking for something that he perceives as missing--why else would he take the time and risk? It might not be rational in our thinking, but it could well be in his. Part of the process of understanding will be to consider how your relationship has evolved and changed. Maybe he, maybe you, maybe both of you have changed in some dimension. Clearly, your perspective about the LS-> monogamy has changed.

 

Both of you seem committed to sorting through this with a counselor/therapist, and we ought to wish you the best of luck in finding out what has happened and in finding common, happy ground.

 

Fundamental, you have a good point. However, I'd like to point out that she only stated that she found out a year ago that he had been cheating. We don't know if perhaps he had been cheating for the entire 7 years (perhaps more or perhaps less), if it only began a year ago, or if she even knows how long the cheating lasted. No matter what, some honest, non-judging communication needs to take place between them to figure out the root of what is going on and what needs to be done...whether it is to stay together or not.

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I've gotten to see the pain of this from a distance. My friend's husband got her into swinging by inviting her to swap with a friend couple who were over for a game night. Turns out, the husband had actually been crushing on the woman for a long time, so swinging was just a cover for cheating. Obviously, that doesn't apply directly to this situation, but I have to wonder what the ulterior motive was. Oh well, I guess that's why we have professional therapists. I'm very glad you and him are seeing a counselor. I wouldn't wish the pain of an ugly divorce on anyone. All I can say is I wish you the best.

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There shouldn't be any swinging with anyone until he can rebuild your trust. It will probably take a long time. If he doesn't believe that your marriage is his top priority, then you should move on. Only you can know if or when that would happen.

 

And I wish people would stop making excuses for the bad behavior of "sex addicts". There is a big difference between compulsive behavior and addiction.

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The issue here isn't swinging. It's your husband. Cheating is about more than just sex and there's something more going on with him. He shouldn't have needed to cheat when you were already swinging, but he did, which says there was something he was missing. He's not happy in your relationship and my guess is that he thought swinging would give him the "freedom" to get what would make him happy, however it wasn't enough so he kept seeking and still is.

 

Yes, you should ask him to stop swinging and you should also ask him to go to marital counseling with you to help you figure out what is going on with him and what the two of you need to do together to save your relationship, if it can be saved.

 

I couldn't agree with Julie more. Cheating, like she said, isn't only about sex and there is clearly something wrong.

 

If at the very least, this is a clear lack of respect for you and your relationship. I don't think that there are any/many swingers that believe that just because you swing, you get a free pass to have sex with anyone, anytime, without consent of your partner. The whole dynamic that makes swinging work is the fact that a couple has the level of trust to do this and cheating tears away the very fabric of that trust.

 

What scares me most about your post isn't that he was falling for one of the couples you swing with but the fact that he was setting up random encounters behind your back. I think I could handle falling too much for a playmate better than just outright cheating.

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