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spaziam

Jealousy strikes again???

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I posted recently about feeling a little left out during a first time full swap experience. Actually first time for really anything like that. Got over the bad feelings very quickly after talking things out. Well, I was hoping I could get some more advice. Recently, my BF and I went to a regular club and while I was walking around, my BF met a single girl. I kept my distance for a bit and he eventually brought her over and introduced us. She was a bit suprised to find out he had a girlfriend but warmed up to the idea immediately. Please note, he wasn't trying to pick up girls behind my back. We have talked about this before and if some girl flirts with him while he's walking around it's allright to go talk to her as long as he brings her over to introduce us. So, anyways one thing led to another and we ended up bringing her home. We had a pretty good time, but this girl didn't seem much into me and couldn't stop going on and on and on and on about how gorgeous my BF was, how good he was how big he was, etc. I can handle a little of that but this was sickening. All night this went on, literally!! That put me off, then while I was on the computer reading e-mail she starts messing around with him again. One of our rules is nothing happens unless the other is present. I couldn't be mad at her, because we didn't tell her about our rules (which we did before this happened again) That was it and I got really mad. He took her home and we talked for days and eventually got all rules re-defined. Mainly, that no rule has any room for interpretation. A rule is a rule!! We got together with her again, we had a blast. I really enjoy watching him with another woman. However, I continue to get the feeling that it isn't a threesome that she wants. So, I decide to discuss it with her and she insists that she respects our relationship and doesn't want to do anything to jeapordize that. Even though my boyfriend is way her type and she does want to be in a relationship. She isn't pursuing him. Yet, after we have told her on numerous occastions that there are no secrets. If you have something to say, you say it in front of both of us. she keeps having conversations with my BF while I am in the bathroom or doing something else. Once telling him I made her feel uncomfortable. That made me feel like she was making me look like the bad guy. Then she continues with the praise, you are so hot, you are so big, you are so good in bed. Then she asks my BF if she can see pictures of him when he was a child. Never once took an intrest in my pictures, just his. We went out to dinner on Sunday and my BF and I start telling her how happy we are, how we met, how incredible our life has been and on the way back to our house she starts crying in the back seat and claims she remembered a bad memory. My first thought was she is in love with him and didn't like hearing how happy we are together. I talked to my BF about all this, and pointed out what I thought was the obvious. He said that he truly did not read into these things too much, but now that I told him about all these things he too thinks there is something going on. She promised she was not trying to pursue him, but I really don't believe that. My BF and I have agreed that we are not going to see her anymore. I guess what I am asking is, am I being overly jealous or possesive and reading into these situations too much or does it sound like this woman is trying to pursue my BF.

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Spaziam, I am going to give you my gut reaction that I felt from halfway through your post. This is not a good scenario. When I read at the end that you had decided not to persue the relationship any further, I breathed a sigh of relief.

 

This, in my opinion, is a good call here. You were right, not jealous or seeming possesive, to tell your boyfriend what you were feeling. Based on what you posted, I don't see either emotion entering the picture at all. What I do see is your intuitiveness coming into play. It is quite apparent that this young lady has some issues of her own to deal with and you really don't need to involve that in your personal realtionship.

 

I am glad your boyfriend did listen to what you had to say and that you are stepping back from her. In regards to your question about her persuing him.... I would have to say yes. Again, just based on your postings and my experience.

 

Please keep us updated and let us know how it plays out.

 

Lori

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We are planning to tell her that we don't want to see her anymore. I am afraid of what her reaction may be. I have asked my boyfriend to be the one to break the news and have asked him not to accept her calls unless I am around, which he has agreed to do. How do you tell someone you don't want to see them because you believe they are being deceitful??? I know the first thing she is going to think is I did this. Well, yes I did and he is MY boyfriend not hers. My boyfriend thinks we don't need to give her an explanation, just tell her this doesn't work for our relationship.

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Originally posted by spaziam

My boyfriend thinks we don't need to give her an explanation, just tell her this doesn't work for our relationship.

Your boyfriend is correct. You don't need to give her an explanation at all. Why would you worry what she thinks? Are you friends in a mainstream setting? I wouldn't be mean to her, but you could let her know that you are taking a break from swinging activity (If you want to use that as nice parting words). This would confirm to her that you considered her only as an enhancement to your relationship, not a part of it.

 

Lori

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My 2 cents:

 

You should be the one to keep her away because if your BF is a nice guy, she is potentially going to manipulate him into saying or doing things that he knows are not ok but he will not know how to handle "so" becasue she's so "nice" to him.

 

Do you see what I am saying?

 

I don't want to make your BF out as an accident waiting to happen but this chick is unbalanced and too far gone in her own issues to recognize that her behavior is NOT ok. I don;t think that you should trust her not to try to play games on/with him if she thinks she is not accountable because he's so "big, cute" whatever. She is flattering his ego and men are notorious for accepting this as truth becasue she's so sweet.

 

Just my cynical thoughts.

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o7u89

 

I agree about what you are saying. I told my boyfriend that women (not all women) are manipulative. If she wants him enough she will try very hard to persuade him. He says he can't be persuaded because his heart belongs to me and it takes two to tango. Point well taken, however, I do not want to put myself in a situation where I have to deal with that, ya know?? An added note, although my boyfriend sees where I am coming from, he now tells me that he doesn't really have an opinion on what has happened. Yes, after pointing out what I have seen, he understands why I would feel that way. But, also feels that we don't know her well enough to make that kind of judgement about her. He doesn't want to see her anymore because it is causing too many problems between us, but doesn't necessarily feel her intensions are to persue him. I feel he should see my point and not want to see her anymore because of that, not just because it is causing a rift between us. Is that wrong. Now I am I being too petty. Who do you talk to about this stuff? Friends and family just wouldn't understand. Ya' know what I mean. I just need somebody's opinion.

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I think that you are being somewhat petty.

 

Leaving cynicism completely to one side, your boyfriend may be one of those rare people who struggle to see bad in others (only you will know whether that’s the case or not). He may not believe that this girl is pursuing him, and therefore is hardly likely to have the same motivation for discontinuing the relationship that you do.

 

If he genuinely feels he doesn’t know this girl well enough to make the same judgement that you have, I think you have to respect that and accept it. By your own admission, your boyfriend does appreciate your point of view. He just doesn’t share it.

 

Surely the important thing here is that you’re united in your decision not to see her anymore. The fact that your boyfriend doesn’t want to see her because of the problems it is causing between you shows that he values your relationship. He told you his heart belongs to you. Even if this girl was pursuing him, he couldn’t have made his choice much clearer. Accept that, embrace the lessons of the experience and move on. This sort of thing can eat you up from the inside if you allow it to.

 

(Another 2 cents worth added to the pile.)

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Brit_Pair, thanks for the smack back into reality!! Really, I appreciate that. I feel rather foolish for posting that. I surely must have sounded like an adolescent!! I am very thankful there is a place like this to go and get advice.

 

Thank you!

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You are not being foolish spaziam. These are normal feelings.

 

Some people want what they cant have and would go to great lengths to obtain them. It's called insanity.

 

I really do hope that your boyfreind respects your wishes and cuts all contact with this female. I too agree that there is no need for an explanation.

 

Let us know what comes about.

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Hi Everybody,

 

Let me preface this by saying in advance, I apologize for the novel, but I needed to say this.

 

I wanted to share with you some revelations I have had since my last post titled "Jealously strikes again?". Sharing this information I think is more for myself than anything else. After days of crying, fighting, crying and more crying, questioning my boyfriends devotion and commitment to me, I had an apiphany. I have read much about this lifestyle and how important it is to be secure in your relationship before considering this type of lifestyle. I believed my relationship was strong, that this was the man of my dreams and that I wanted to share this with him and I still feel that way. However, I failed to realize that along with a strong relationship with your partner, it is equally important to have a strong relationship with YOURSELF. I have spent the last few days analyzing and re-analyzing my situation and what has happened. My boyfriend and I kept talking about this and I just couldn't feel any closure about it. I kept blaming this girl and him for how I was feeling, when the problem was my insecurities about myself. If this girl is persuing him, then he might see she is better than me some how. She might do it better, might please him better. He might love her mind better. He might realize that I am not the one he wants to be with. So, we decide not to see her anymore. My boyfriend even suggested we not do any of this anymore. That wasn't the answer though, because I truly enjoyed the experience and I want to experience it again. Which really confuses me, I love the experience and I'm insecure about it at the same time. Doesn't make alot of sense. So, I realize my problem is with myself. And I did the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I admitted it out loud last night. Somehow, I believed that if I didn't say it, nobody would know it. When I really knew that my insecurities screamed out in my actions and he knew about them all along and because he loves me is willing to do anything to help me through all this. But I was so afraid to say it. But, when I did, relief washed over me. My head was clearer, my stomach released it's knots and I actually slept well and woke up without dark circles under my eyes. How can something as simple as admitting your flaws free you from panic. Now the hard part, how to get past all these insecurites and realize I am as wonderfull as the love of my life keeps telling me. Thank god or the higher power whoever that may be, that I have someone as wonderful as him. Who understands me and loves me and is patient with me!! I have waited a lifetime for a love like this and I would do anything to give to him what he has given me. I don't know why, but, telling this makes me feel better. And I hope someone out there feeling the same as me can read this and get something out of it. This is only the beginning for me, but already this has been an incredible experience and I can only imagine how this will all feel once I have battled my demons.

 

Thank you for reading!!

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Speaking on behalf of myself, guys love FMF threesomes. My wife and I decided some time ago to stick to couples instead. Our logic for this is simple. Feelings can crop up any time. I am not a jealous man by all means. But, I can not tell what situations may happen in the future. I may at some point feel jealous or insecure if a man was persuing my wife. Call me possessive. Afterall, she is my wife. We feel that maybe we can at least make friends with like minded couples. So far we have!

 

In addition to couples, nobody gets left out. And that is the best thing for both of us.

 

Nice update, and stick around!

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Hi Spazium,

 

I was actually surprised at how easy it seemed to get a single girl to have a 3some with you LOL ...

 

I remember your other thread about "feeling left out" and I started another one called feeling left out part 2 .

How did you work that out? Are you guys going to do something different so that you feel that he is paying attention to you ... or that you feel you guys are playing together?

 

I have to hand it to you for sticking to your guns about the other girl. You handled it well and it is a learning experience. Since I also have feet "left out " , if I was in your situation I would have said "no more" after the first encounter. If she wasn't into you then , then she won't be into you later on. But I guess you know for next time.

 

mopek

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Actually, we initially only wanted a single girl and to our suprise there are not many out there that are willing to play. We had been looking for about 2 years. Met quite a few, but they eventually chickened out. This one caught us by suprise. I have read on this board that the best place to meet single women is in a "regular" club and I have to say, almost all the single women we have met have been at "regular" clubs.

 

My boyfriend and I have very open communication and he is very receptive to me and wants me to be happy. Also, we had a number of conversations with the girl and she says that she was just nervous the first time and that is why she didn't seem into me. She had never done this before and she wasn't sure what to do. She claims to really like me and says that she rented some porn and talked to some of her bi-friends to get advise on how to please a woman. I guess I should be flattered by that. She called me the other day and wanted to make sure everything is okay and went on and on about how much she likes me. So now I am thouroughly confused. To top that off, I have realized since then that my major problem with all this is me and my insecurity. I am afraid my boyfriend will fall for her, find her more attractive, think she is better in bed. I forget that love is more than physical attraction, alot more.

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If someone, other than me, kept flattering my wife, and telling her how good she was in bed- I would wonder what was up. A little flattery is fine, even appreciated. What you have going on, I believe, is something different.

 

I would very definitely say adios to this chica. You may want to consider a couple, as presumably/hopefully no one in the other couple will be spouse/BF hunting.

 

I DO NOT think that you are over reacting. Give her the boot.

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I agree with the above post, tell her it's over before it gets even more complicated and involved. You have to take a step back and see the big picture. Also trust your insticts. They told you to be careful the first few times. There are always other people to play with.

 

So how did you approach women in "regular" clubs? I would love to hear how the events unfolded.

 

Also, if you do play with another couple, how will it be different for you so that you feel secure?

 

It is great that you guys can talk together!! That is fantastic.

 

mopek

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Be VERY careful one of my single exfriends tried to play socialy bi jut to stay close to my hubby and get to play with him. I didn't find out until she told him str8 out she wanted him but without me. He told her he would talk to me but was sure it would be ok once since we had been together for a while. She explained to my sometimes "slow" husband she ment marriage not sex. This happened while I was in the bathroom. He told me as soon as I came back in and we have not spoken to her since.()()

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Don't let her flattery get to you. Part of being able to manipulate a man is being able to manipulate the women around him. If she wants him then she knows the only way she will be able to continue being around him is if she wins you over.

 

The biggest clue to this is her talking to him behind your back and saying that you make her uncomfortable, etc. She doesn't want you in the picture. She was dissapointed when she found out you ARE in the picture. She wants a relationship and if stealing your BF is the way to get one, then so be it.

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My gut reaction is to reiterate what Mopek said: trust your instincts.

 

You’ve just experienced something of a revelatory moment by admitting your insecurities, and that’s likely to lead you to question your previous motives regarding this girl, especially in light of her unexpected flattery of you.

 

I would say, rely on your instinctive reaction. Your instincts told you that it would be healthier for you and your partner to leave this girl behind. Trust those instincts. They will rarely let you down. And as Mopek also said, there are always other people out there to play with.

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I think I would suggest finding a single women who already has a bit of experience in this lifestyle, or at least understands the point of it a bit better (it's just for play), even if it takes another two years to find that person! This is one of the reasons we prefer to meet couples who are already in a secure relationship.

 

At first, we considered (and would still be open to) meeting a single woman. We met one online and we started e-mailing back and forth. Every time I would tell her something about us, she would say something like "Wow, I am so jealous of you! It must be nice to be in a trusting relationship." (Yikes!) We were going to meet up with her, but it didn't work out, and after conversation like that, we thought better of it and politely let her know that we weren't interested in pursuing anything further.

 

At this point, we would just be very careful about screening a single person and looking for any red flags (like the ones mentioned above!) that might suggest they would not be an appropriate "playmate".

 

- Mrs. Sex Monster

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One sentance.

 

Dont go there, get rid of her, she seems not to understand what you are btoh looking for. To be honest I enjoy my Hubby getting compliments but too many and the red flag goes up.

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I agree with Nymph. I noticed you have failed to mention (or maybe I missed it) how you and this other girl act towards each other sexually. From the way you wrote the first post, it seems like you are simply watching your boyfriend and this other woman go at it. Are you involved in any sexual contact with her? I'll be honest, it seems like she is not looking for a "true threesome". In my opinion a true threesome means an equal amount of sex between all involved, girl/girl as well as girl/guy. I have to admit, I the wife and I are new to this, so I'm not really in a good position to analyze your situation like some of the more experienced people here may be. But I would feel a little left out if another guy was praising my wife and expressing a personal interest in her, and she was dismissing it. This is something you both need to be on the same page with. Simply "concealing" your feelings and just doing it for the sake of doing it will make the situation more and more tense as time goes on. Don't let other people dictate how you need to act in this situation. All that matters is how you feel. If you feel uncomfortable with it, address it with your boyfriend. If he still dismisses you, then he isn't supportive of your feelings, and you need to stop this activity right away if you don't want to damage your relationship. Don't hide your feelings simply because other people tell you you are overreacting.

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I'm new to this swinging thing and to this website. I posted my response incorrectly previously, so please read below.

 

I've read through your dilemna from beginning to end and I think I may have some points no one has considered. I actually can relate to your case since I recently starting being the third person in a threesome and noticed that certain "rules" were not being followed by either person in the couple. So, I'll be devil's advocate.

 

I noticed from a previous thread that you were upset with your boyfriend when he was into the girl when you guys swung with a couple. And now, it seems you're having the same problem with a single girl. Is it the girl or your boyfriend? You may want to consider that your boyfriend may be provoking the actions and reactions of this girl without your knowing. I'm speaking from experience.

 

I also agree with the previous thread that there is no mention of your interaction or attraction to this girl. Are YOU attracted to her? Maybe she's reacting to your lack of enthusiasm towards her or maybe your boyfriend is the only one who's showing her interest and she's responding to that.

 

Also, being the "swinging world," it's no secret that mind altering drugs are used, such as X. If you are using this, the drug can bring on severe mood swings. Not to downplay your feelings, but this may be something that may be intensifying whatever feeling you're having at the moment.

 

Another point to consider: Were you clear with this girl about it only being a sexual once in a while thing or have you invited her into your personal lives?

 

Being a single female in a similar situation, I felt it necessary to point these things out for consideration since it seems that everyone has come down pretty hard on her and we've not heard her side of things. There's always 2 sides (or 3) to every story and I sense there are a few gaps in this saga.

 

Hope this helps to see the other side of things.

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yes, get rid of her!

We were once got involved with 2 other couples, the female half of one became increasingly jealous. She was very interested in the male half of the other couple (not my husband, thank goodness). Eventually we found out she was manic depressive and off her medication, which became very scarey. We agreed not to see either couple again. A few months later we heard from the crazy bitch again and she said her boyfriend left her....for the female half of the other couple! What a mess! Thank goodness we stepped out of all that. My point here is to just be careful. People may seem nice out there, but you never really know them or what they are going to do or react over a certain situation. Keep your guard up and never let it down. He belongs to you!

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BTW Spaziam, and any body else who reads this, the next time you have to tell someone away, you might want to make sure that the messenger in this situation is wearing a kevlar vest. This is how murder happens. One lover rejects another, they get angry and frustrated, out comes the knife or gun or whatever and then it's the Big Goodbye. I know I probably sound paranoid but you just can't be too careful with people like this. In fact, in the future you might want to keep an eye out for this walking time bomb a little more vigilantly.

On a more personal note, I too felt the same emotions as you recently. For years I couldn't make any friends. It seemed as though I was cursed to be alone for eternity. Then one day I started the long road to recovery. And one day I realized that my curse was not the that everyone hated me. It was that I hated me. And then I apologized to myself and I told myself that I loved me, and that I would never again let anyone hurt me, and then I felt better. So you're not the only one to feel this way. The one person you never want to be betrayed by is yourself. I know how bad that hurts. Sorry if I sound like I'm trying to play frued here but I just noticed how similar your situation and mine was.

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Another vote for the BOOT! In my experience, if there is ever a doubt about someone like this, there is no doubt. Boot her now or you will regret it later.

Just my 2 cents

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I can't believe that it has taken me so long to find this thread....because the subject is very near and dear to my heart.

My BF is a very attractive man who has no trouble whatsoever finding women who want to swing with us. I have learned through trial and error that the female half and her behavior is actually more important to me than the male half. I like women who are playful and inclusive, whether they are bi-sexual or not. A woman usually tells me with her body language if she'd rather I wasn't around. I explained this to my BF and now he listens to me.....if I say "never again" then it happens "never again". So my advice to women swingers is cultivate the friendship with the female partner. If she feels you are cutting you out, you are history.

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It really does help to pay attention to body language. Getting to know someone a bit before jumping in all the way doesn't hurt either.

 

When we first met the couple we play with regularly, the girl approached me. (Actually, that's putting it mildly! She jumped on me on the dance floor of the club we were at! Of course, I didn't mind at all.) Later, after talking more and getting to know each other a bit, we found that she was attracted to my husband and I was attracted to her boyfrined. Cool.

 

It's been going great ever since!

 

- Mrs. Sex Mosnter

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That's a pretty funny coincidence...the one couple that we stay in contact with, something similar happened. We were at a club and my boyfriend pushed me into this woman and her girlfriend on the dance floor. We all started dancing and having fun and then her husband showed up and we liked him too. Sometimes inauspicious beginnings turn into a lot of fun.

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For what it's worth.....we were involved in an identical situation with a single female a few years ago, but were manipulated into thinking that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. We were new to swinging at the time, and had spent a few months getting to know her and do things socially as well. So rather than give her the boot, we stuck it out.

 

Well, not long after, I went to visit relatives for a week. The entire week I was gone she was calling several times a day trying to come over to the house to "get together" while I was away.....saying that I would never need to know or find out. I applaud my BF for not giving in to temptation (she was extremely attractive) and for telling me about it right away. We gave her the boot and ended the friendship. If a situation like your's came up again....we would terminate the relationship immediately! Nothing but trouble can come from this situation....and it is no "misunderstanding" on her part.

 

Just our two-cents worth. :bj:

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Hi, I have to say I have been in the samespot as you. My suggestion is to have a girl girl play time first with the girl and let your BF in after things get hot. Then maybe you can be sure she is not there for just one of you. There is nothing worse then being in a threesome and being the one left out, but it seems to always work that the spouce of the same sex is the one left out . It shouldn t be like that but in most of my experinces with 2 girl 1 guy threesomes it turns out that way. I think the full couple swap is the way to go just so noone gets left out, or 3 girls and your guy might be fun, Just stick to the even numbers. Good luck and have fun!

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Men trust too easily. Part of that is due to the fact that, in most cases, when you feel that someone doesn't pose a PHYSICAL threat to you, you don't worry as much anything else. THAT is why men are so easily manipulated. The only body language we read easily are the ones that say we are being threatened PHYSICALLY. We miss when someone is trying to manipulate our feelings or isolate us from our friends/family/loved ones and fall into traps easily. Of course, it is much easily for us to leave those types of situations because of the fact we can resort to physical intimidation more easily than women.

 

Women, on the other hand, are more aware of subtle movements of all kinds and are more in tune with danger on all levels, not just the physical. They also learn to use their greatest gift, being subtle, to get what they want. You generally cannot teach a man to be subtle, its not something most of us are born with. And, by the age of 12, every girl knows this. You, as the woman, will have to learn how to hit him over the head and say "hey, do you understand what she is really doing?" You also have to realize that if he's clueless as to what's going on, its because he doesn't want it to happen. Once again, guys don't do subtle, and when they try, they get caught.

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Interesting post Eternally, and I for one think you are "dead on".

I've never known a man to realize when he is being emotionally manipulated and now my bf's response makes more sense. When I told him how one of our swing partners tried to shut me out, he actually thanked me for telling him. You're right, he didn't even realize it.

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