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Stratecpl

Parties, couples, jealousy

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I have a question about couples interacting at parties. No reason...it just popped into my head this morning.

 

Are there sometimes situations at parties where one couple may become jealous if the couple they were interested in, seemed more interested in another couple? We hear all the time that there is no pressure and no means no and all that at parties..but we also are dealing with human nature and feelings too...just the same as if it were single people meeting at a party only it happening in twos at a swingers party so I guess the possibility is there for this to happen and with most people drinking at parties, the situation could get ugly right? Hope this isn't a stupid question...we're pretty party ignorant cause we've never been to one yet...haha

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Originally posted by Stratecpl:

we also are dealing with human nature and feelings

 

That's so true and with that comes fear of rejection. After all hurt is hurt no matter what form it arrives in. That is one of the reasons it is so hard for us to approach another couple. I try to remember that it is their loss and not mine.

 

By the way great question.

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Good question. First, anyone who says they don't experience the feelings of jealousy in this, even the tiniest amount, is either being less that truthful or they've got a personality disorder. (just kidding on the last one)

 

Seriously, jealousy is an ever present companion, lurking in the wings. There are many different aspects and scenarios that can set it off. The obvious one is seeing your significant other in the throes of passion with someone other than yourself. But there are other things, such as seeing a couple you're attracted to getting chummy with a third couple. Let's face it, this is an activity where hurt feelings can and do occur. It never feels good to be passed up.

 

Let me tell you something that's happened to us. As we mentioned before, we've gone to many meet and greets in a neighboring city. It was at one of these we met a couple who became a long term relationship for us. It ended amicably enough six or seven months later, but we're a little nervous about seeing them in a future m & g. Why? Well, they'll probably be with another couple, or on the hunt for one. Even though we're pretty certain they've swung with others since the last time we saw them, it's still difficult not feeling we were somehow "replaced". We'll probably say hello politely, and that's that.

 

Love is love, and sex is sex, and while they're both separate, it's hard to forget you DID engage in a very intimate act with this other person.

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Love is love and sex is sex and we are all adults. I can truly understand having some jealous feelings involving my wife but others I'm not so sure about. In the erotic story I told under a different topic, this may come to bear. I may be a man and my cock my get big, but I develop relationships slowly. When this sexy couple entered the club last Saturday night and I was getting friendly with them, I was certainly going slowly. This other very young couple entered the club, started getting more friendly with this other couple, started getting real sexy with each other, and there I stood watching. While I really enjoyed the watching, I was the kid outside looking into the candy shop watching this other couple eating all the treats. Did I feel jealousy. No! Not at all. I felt disappointed. Did it bother me that this other couple snatched the attention of this other also young and attractive couple. No! (But they could have invited us in to watch. I am an incurable voyeur. I almost asked)

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I know exactly what you are all saying here. Sometimes one of our friends will discuss his pursuits of other women, and of his either success or failure. Although we are playing friends and we certainly wish him well in these endeavors, we also may feel a momentary twinge of jealousy. We are not married to this person, and we understand the differences between love, lust, sex, and some other choice emotions... LOL

 

Really, we are happy that this person has found others to play with, AND he might ALSO bring her over sometime to play!! So I should really be cheering him on, you know!

 

I think these things are all natural feelings for anyone to have or experience. But, we KNOW that they are not cheating on us or anything. We like to think that we're fairly contemporary adults with great attitudes toward swinging. We discuss our feelings among ourselves, have a few laughs at our own notions, and proceed with our lives.

 

Last but not least, we never throw away a friendship. If we meet someone and we are compatible as either friends or lovers, we never discount what we've found. We feel that these relationships are all special, and these people are good friends, now and always.

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Originally posted by Stratecpl:

I know exactly what you are all saying here. Sometimes one of our friends will discuss his pursuits of other women, and of his either success or failure. Although we are playing friends and we certainly wish him well in these endeavors, we also may feel a momentary twinge of jealousy. We are not married to this person, and we understand the differences between love, lust, sex, and some other choice emotions... LOL

 

I think that in the case of couples/singles that we play with.. the jealousy comes from a fear of losing them, perhaps?

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Julie, forgot to add my comments.

 

That's possible, but it can go beyond that, IMO. Even if you're 110% certain your mate isn't going to dump you for the sex machine he/she was with last weekend, one can still fear their mate will find more physical satisfaction with another without them actually jumping ship. I would hope sex isn't the main criteria for finding another soul mate.

 

If it is, then perhaps the relationship was doomed anyway, and the swinging just hastened it's demise.

 

Jealousy goes far beyond fearing the loss of one's significant other. Couples, as a single entity, can indeed feel jealousy when seeing former swing mates hook up with new partners. I think it has a lot to do with how the relationship with them ended, and why.

 

Having never participated in an orgy, I suspect that might be different, with people exchanging partners several times during one session. A different scenario than two couples engaged with each other mutually. When we were involved with such a couple over a year ago, they told us they never got involved with more than one couple at a time, and asked us several times over the course of the relationship if we were seeing anyone else, or even pursuing anyone. We thought that last one was a bit intrusive on their part, but we kept our mouths shut.

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Julie,

 

You're right, there has to be that fear of losing someone as friends and/or players. With the two that I'm referring to, I really don't think there could EVER be a loss of friendship, no matter what. They are such dear folks and dear friends they are our best friends on earth. In joking, we offered to adopt them as our children!! LOL

 

But you are correct, there has to be that innate fear of losing something great to someone else. I think my wife and I are mainly laughing when we say these things but we sure would hate losing their friendships!! After all, good friends are very hard to come by. It's true, it's true!!

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Julie --

 

Ron's post made me realize I misinterpreted what you meant. I thought you were referring to someone losing their mate to a swinging partner. My apologizes, I'll strive to read closer next time. ;)

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CanadianCouple,

 

Dan, you are right, losing your significant other would be devastating. And using sex as the only criteria for the friendship would also be very shallow.

 

We are careful enough to swing with people that we consider as really nice, friendly folks AND as real friends. Having the bonds of similar thoughts, ideas, hobbies, pets, etc.... all these combine to help make the friendships work better.

 

Having similar interests makes conversation so much easier. And if the conversation flows smoothly, so does the level of ease among everyone, like laughter, jokes, etc.... All that spells F U N to us....

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We've swung with three couples so far, and although I've enjoyed the company of all three women, none of them would interest me as far as a life long mate. Not to disparage them at all, just not my type. Janette and I really believe that the ideal sex partner is different than your ideal mate - at least that's how we read it. Sex and love go together great, but are entirely different.

 

And that's one of the reasons, we think, that engaging in swinging with the one you love makes it so special. :D

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CanadianCouple,

 

Dan, we have had two couples that we've swung with. Several others are trying to get together with us, but as of yet, a "no-go" so far. I wouldn't consider either of the ladies as a life mate either, but they definitely were fun to play with!!! LOL

 

We have also enjoyed a few MFM threesomes. Verrrry hot!!!

 

We have talked with various people who were contacted by other couples for swinging purposes, and then discarded like old fish afterwards. It seems that the couples used them to fulfill their fantasies, then asked them to leave.... no explanations offered, no apologies, and no follow-up e-mails or IM's. Nothing.

 

I know that "no-strings" is the way it's supposed to be, but isn't that a bit cold-blooded? Here, you have fabulous, mind-blowing sex for hours. You fulfill your greatest, wildest desires.... your spouse likewise..... Maybe you have traveled a great distance to be with these people, too. They take the very best that you have to offer, then kick you out unceremoniously with no explanations, no handshake rather than a kiss, no offer of future events, nothing!!!!!!

 

I'm sorry, but this is wrong. I know you wouldn't do anyone that way, and I'm certain that you wouldn't appreciate being done that way, either!!

 

That's why we try to know as much about someone as we can prior to a get-together. We had one man that traveled over 2000 miles just to visit for a day. We knew a lot about him first-hand, so it was a memorable visit. Otherwise, he would have had a long, miserable, and expensive trip back home.... unfulfilled!!

 

I think it's wrong to do anyone that way. Sorry for being repetitive!!

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I have a husband, he's my best friend, my lover, EVERYTHING to me. If we go to a club or party and play with another couple that night, to be honest, those people are really no more significant to me than anyone else I casually interact with at a nonswinging party.

 

We are not in this for life long friends, romantic fantasy or substitute mates. My opinion is when you become emotionally and romantically attached to people outside your marriage, you are headed for trouble!

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Liza,

 

I have a wife who is absolutely the best thing on this earth. There's no way that I would ever even consider trying to replace her. I'm not advocating getting romantically involved with anyone, and it's true that if you do, then trouble is headed your way. You certainly don't have to fall in love with them!

 

Besides, we don't swing to replace each other, or because we are not capable of satisfying each other's needs.

 

However, I have to differ with you concerning friends. This is one of those things that we want to discuss before ever trying to get together with anyone. If you like the one-night stands, that's fine, but we don't, though. It's a matter of choice after all, isn't it?

 

If you tell someone up front that you're looking for friendship, don't kick them out with no explanations or regrets. If you plan to do them the other way, then at least be honest up front. We've been done both ways. I'll never get together with anyone else who plans on severing all ties with us after a hot fling where we all had a great time, especially after they lied about their intentions. That's all I'm saying.

 

To each their own. Communicate your intentions clearly.

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Couldn't agree more. There is an amazing lack of compassion in this lifestyle at times, the way some people treat others. Yes, we're talking 'just' sex here, but we're dealing with people who have the same feelings as we all do. We've been turned down plenty of times, but there are certainly no hard feelings on our end if it's done with tact and class. We certainly strive to achieve the same level when turning others down ourselves. Which we've had to do with discouraging frequency lately. Gosh darn it... :(

 

Liza- correct me if I'm wrong, but the attitude displayed in your last post sounds an awful lot like the one women have complained about for as long as I can remember. Men only wanting to fuck and run. Is it any less egregious when done by a couple?

 

I don't think so.

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Concerning friends......

 

In our limited swinging, we've found two men who are the most wonderful friends that anyone could ever hope to meet. Now, we actually found these friends THRU SWINGING. Liza, you said that you weren't interested in finding friends, right? Well, these two are just that.... FRIENDS. We will more than likely all be lifelong friends. And yes, they are also swinger friends of my wife.

 

If we had only boinked their brains out, then sent them home with no explanations and no return visit options, we'd have missed out totally. I'm glad we were honest and treated them the way we would have liked to be treated. I guess it's just our way, though. Not everyone sees things the way that we do.

 

As you use up those swinging partners, they won't be too anxious for a return visit. Also, word has a way of getting out, saying for others to avoid such- and- such couple, because they will only do you that way.

 

I don't want to be remembered in that manner! Whether or not they enjoyed themselves in our company, at least let them remember us as we really were.... kind, considerate, and caring.

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Well...I'm all for friendship too..there is not that many people out there that you can be close friends with in this lifestyle. We had one of our single male friends here visiting since Tuesday. He just left this morning and we both are missing him a bunch already. This guy came here the first time we got together with him after communicating for a long time. He lives far from here and has to fly to get here. He was used to one night stands with couples that would have single men just to satisfy a fantasy and then it was wham bam..ok we're done with you now leave... We didn't do that. He is such a fine human being and great person. Too good to be dismissed as just a sex toy. We invited him to stay here with us. He slept in the same bed and we cuddled (he and I) all night long. It was something that he was not used to for sure. He was totally blown away that we would even consider it. Now he has become such a close friend that he's almost like family. He comes to visit as often as he can, not just for sex but for friendship and cuddling and being a member of a real family for a few days.. I wouldn't trade that for anything and neither would he.

 

Connie

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CanadianCouple,

 

Hey, Dan and Janette! If you two were not so far away we'd love to get together with y'all! Hey, I could help you cut the grass. Where in Canada are you? If it's where I think it is, that's a couple of thousand miles from here.... LOL

 

Speaking of grass, here's my take on that: You spend most of your spare time and most of your money trying to get that grass started growing. When it takes root and flourishes, THEN you spend the rest of your life and all of your money trying to cut it down!!! LOL

 

Somewhere, there's a fault with this plan... :)

 

We understand where you're coming from concerning turning people down. You hate to do it, and try to be gentle but honest. Invariably you will run into a hothead who is really upset, and a confrontation of sorts follows. We've also encountered folks who just persist in trying to force themselves on you. In the end, we finally have to get rude to get our point across to them.

 

We make it a rule to do other people the way we would want them to do us. Honesty, truth, and directness. Hey, that's what it's all about!!

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Connie - after reading your 6:40 PM post, it's obvious you and Ron are two very loving, affectionate people. Is there anything better in this world than holding someone in your arms, feeling that wonderful body heat against you?

 

If there is, I can't think of it. Pure heaven on earth.

 

Too bad you guys live so far away. Even if we never swung, you'd both make terrific friends. People we'd feel so at ease with. ;)

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awww...that's nice of you to say :) We like you guys too. It's been a pleasure debating, arguing AND agreeing with you on here this last couple of weeks..LOL

 

I also agree that there is nothing like warm body heat...as a woman I can say that there is nothing like being a sandwich between two nice warm male bodies. Having those big strong arms wrapped around you...one in front...one in back. ;) Boy that is an awesome feeling. Very snuggly and secure, drifting off to sleep together after a session of intense sex. It is by far the icing on the cake to make the night perfect.

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Liza- correct me if I'm wrong, but the attitude displayed in your last post sounds an awful lot like the one women have complained about for as long as I can remember. Men only wanting to fuck and run. Is it any less egregious when done by a couple?

 

Fuck and run? Why not? I don't have the time or the inclination to build lasting relationships outside my marriage. Nothing egregious about that...I don't think we have broken any hearts lately!

 

We have 2 kids, 2 jobs, a booming business on the side, 4 pets, a house to keep up, etc., etc.

 

Fuck and run is about all we have time for (and we don't even fuck!)

 

To each their own, haven't you espoused that before?

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Also, we swing at a club/party. We don't meet couples for dinner, etc, talk it over, build a friendship. Obviously if we "dated" another couple a few times and then had sex and blew them off , that would be a different story.

 

We may go to the swing club once or twice a month and see friends we have made there, but we do not arrange our schedules to see these people outside of a swing club environment.

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Originally posted by LIZA:

To each their own, haven't you espoused that before?

 

Yes, I have. And I've also espoused a kinder attitude in the swinging lifestyle. That includes treating others with a bit more consideration than flushing away used Kleenex after teenage male fantasies are sated.

 

But you ARE correct, to each his/her own.

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Liza --

 

If you're talking about an on-premises club, one that has sexual activity on site, that's one thing. And something we can't really comment on with any authority, since we've never visited one. But the conversation earlier was really about the scenario of, as you say, building a form of relationship with "A" couple, with the hopes of consummating that relationship at some future juncture. In an orgy situation, well of course we don't expect every sexual connection made to flourish into a friendship. But you can still treat that man or woman like a human being, not a blow up doll.

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Yes, we go to an on premise club here in L.A. and have for about 5 years. We are not full swappers, so the risk and level of trust is not quite the same. To us it is kind of like kids playing at the park and you go back in a few weeks and if you see those same kids, cool. Or you meet new kids and play with them!

 

I would be very surprised if any of the couples we have played with felt that they had been used and flushed away like dirty Kleenex! That seems like you are putting a lot of emotional connotations on something that I PERSONALLY consider a fun and very light-hearted activity!

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Liza-

 

I guess it all depends on one's personal perception of the lifestyle. No, we don't get emotionally involved with anyone we swing with, but we never forget they're fellow human beings either.

 

Tell me Liza, when a couple contacts you for sex, and you're not interested, how do you handle it? Do you politely decline? Not so politely? Or do you just ignore them until they eventually figure it out for themselves?

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I don't think we have ever turned anyone down, to be honest!

 

The club we go to seems to be generally a fairly young and attractive group...we usually play, at least as far as girl/girl. If I am not attracted to the man I just tell them nicely that I prefer girls and she and I can put on a show for our husbands. I believe that it is possible to have an enjoyable and exciting experience without necessarily doing it all.

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Liza --

 

You've got to be kidding me. You've never turned anyone down?? This has got to be a first. It sure is for me.

 

Bedtime for us, have a good night.

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Seems like everyone on this board is into the friendship first mentality of swinging for the most part... except Liza anyway...lol.

 

We are into both. Sometimes there are people who you can be friends with first and you want to be. And other times we just go out for the fun of it, go to a party or a club or a bar and pick someone up. I guess you could say we use them, but at the same time you could say they used us. We all had fun tho and that's what counts. Sometimes these encounters develop into friendships and sometimes they don't, sometimes we never see them again, sometimes we may not want to.

 

One thing tho Liza it seems like you equate friendship with emotional attachment. Are you saying you have no time for friendships outside of your marriage? At All? That must be a lonely life. I realize you are busy, we all are.. but ya gotta have friends. And what better friends to have than those who share your interests and who you can be open and honest with about your life (god knows ya can't tell the people at church about what you do on Saturday nights...lol). Just curious thought maybe we were just missing something in your posts.

 

As for the original question, we've seen that happen. Actually, the first swing party we ever went to the host couple had a single female staying with them, to balance things out at the party they invited one single guy. Well there was another guy (half a couple) that was interested in this SF but the SM was hitting on her and the MM was talking to us and told us how he was annoyed cuz he wanted this SF but this other guy was in the way. I'm sure the same thing happens all the time with couples as well. You see someone you are interested in but someone else gets there first.. guess ya gotta be quicker on your feet.

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No not really...we go to play and play we do! As I said, we have been approached by couples where I was not too interested in the man but I played with his wife and just told him I was only into girls.....so he and my husband just watched and then joined with their own wife.

 

As I said, we don't fully swap, so just talking touching, oral, watching, etc...no big deal. We only go once or twice a month so it is not like we are having sex numerous times with other people. Plus we are both fairly attractive and (so far) have only been approached by people I also consider attractive. If and when the day come when a couple I am not attracted to approaches, I won't reject them personally...just say we aren't ready to play, are tired, getting ready to leave, only into watching, etc. No reason to come right out and say "no, you're not attractive"!

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Originally posted by LIZA:

I wont reject them personally...just say we aren't ready to play, are tired, getting ready to leave, only into watching, etc.

You're turning them down, my dear, no matter how you want to phrase it.

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Whatever you say, Dan. We have been active in this lifestyle for 5 years, never had a problem or an unpleasant experience at a club. You don't have to get all wound up about how I conduct my own business

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If and when the day come when a couple I am not attracted to approaches, I wont reject them personally...just say we aren't ready to play, are tired, getting ready to leave, only into watching, etc. No reason to come right out and say "no, you're not attractive"!

 

Assuming we are talking club scenes..So then what happens when the poor people get an eyeful of you with someone else after you were "to tired" to play? I think that is much meaner than just saying... sorry not interested at this time.

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As I said...the situation where I have ever had to reject anyone has yet to come up. Everyone handles things their own way. We have been involved in this for 5 years and NEVER had a problem so far. Are those of you who are jumping all over me experienced in this or just brand new and thinking everything to death?

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twobookwyrms -

I agree with you one hundred percent. It would be terrible to see someone that said they were too tired or just leaving, playing with another couple after turning me down in that fashion. I would far prefer just to be told that they weren't interested but thanks for the interest.

 

Liza -

I don't think it is that everyone is jumping on you. It is just a difference of opinion. Maybe others are just trying to discuss it with you while giving their views and takes on it at the same time.

 

After all that is what this board is for, isn't it? As long as all remember to be courteous and polite while doing so. Have a good day.

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We may be new to this, but we would prefer an honest answer, such as, "No, thank you." It might hurt our feelings a little, but certainly would not be as hurtful as a "fib". We believe in being honest with people, except where it hurts them or others. Certainly better to use a simple "No, thank you for asking." Than, "We just don't find you very attractive..." Just seems to keep all aspects of our life simpler.

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Re: Liza's posts

 

There's no doubt on the homefront here that we'd never attain her lofty standards, but nonetheless she's hardly in a position to advocate veracity, judging by her contributions on this subject. There's too much BS as it is when trying to find compatible couples, why exacerbate the situation by offering up phony excuses? This is exactly what we studiously avoid when searching for partners. After all, isn't it understood that giving specific reasons not to play with someone only leads to hurt feelings?

 

I get a real kick out of reading the responses to 'how you would tell someone you're not interested in them' in Swappernet ads. Plenty of great suggestions, and I'll bet less than 5% would actually follow through. Most times the silence from the other party is deafening.

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