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Using swinging to compensate for a spouse's shortcomings

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A comment made by lizandtom in Getting out of a bad playdate made me think about something I don't think I've seriously considered as a potential trend, but very well may be a factor for some couples.

 

lizandtom said:

...And wow, that guy sounds incredibly insensitive especially when you're giving him pointers. His wife probably relishes the sessions to play with others, who are a bit more absorbing to what works for a woman.

 

I wonder how many people have decided to either start swinging, or have continued swinging because they (secretly) aren't satisfied with their sex life with their partner? I'm not talking about minor differences in desires, but the fact that one partner flat out is a shitty lover, and swinging is a way to get some satisfaction without flat-out cheating, or confronting their partner about their shortcomings.

 

Looking back, I believe this happens more often than I previously realized. I can think of a few couples over the years where this very well may have been the case. I also think that if this is happening, more often than not it's the female half that's stuck with a poor lover, and is trading up one night at a time.

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We could definitely see someone doing that.

 

Usually we encounter them when they are in process for divorce though, or already divorced.

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I know a guy who has cheated on his wife the entire time they have been together.

 

Gin has told me over and over it is because she doesn't get into it, and just lays there.

 

 

There was a period where they filed for divorce and he and I played together, I could certainly see where he was deprived. In 10 years she never gave him anything oral beyond a kiss.

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This is what has happened to the Lifestyle.

 

Many people today are trying to use it to fulfill something they don't think they are getting out of their own relationships.

 

Rarely does it ever work. Most of the time it ends up finishing up the relationship. That is why the divorce rate appears to be raising within the Lifestyle.

 

It used to be just about having fun. Now people use it to find something they are missing in their own lives and relationships.

 

It has not made the Lifestyle better. That I will attest to.

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I am sure that is what was going on with one couple we played with. Young couple, he was 25 she 30. It was obvious she LOVED sex and had plenty of experience. She was his first or second and he was a total dud. Going into the bedroom he said she was "quiet." After a few min of oral she was moaning and twitching with pleasure. My guess is he just never hit any of the buttons. My wife and him did not go to far, he was just a total dud. No mater what she did he did not respond.

 

Too bad, the wife was a lot of fun!

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This is what has happened to the Lifestyle.

 

Many people today are trying to use it to fulfill something they don't think they are getting out of their own relationships.

 

Rarely does it ever work. Most of the time it ends up finishing up the relationship. That is why the divorce rate appears to be raising within the Lifestyle.

 

It used to be just about having fun. Now people use it to find something they are missing in their own lives and relationships.

 

It has not made the Lifestyle better. That I will attest to.

But how many would be willing to admit it? I have always been impressed by the honesty and communication between two swingers who are into the LS, as equal and caring partners. But I think that if people were honest about it, this happens more often than they would like to admit. If you are unsatisfied with monogamy, and then are unsatisfied with non-monogamy, it says more about you than it does about the swinging or Vanilla lifestyles, doesn't it?

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wifes_toy said:
I am sure that is what was going on with one couple we played with. Young couple, he was 25 she 30. It was obvious she LOVED sex and had plenty of experience. She was his first or second and he was a total dud. Going into the bedroom he said she was "quiet." After a few min of oral she was moaning and twitching with pleasure. My guess is he just never hit any of the buttons. My wife and him did not go to far, he was just a total dud. No mater what she did he did not respond.

 

Too bad, the wife was a lot of fun!

 

Perhaps, if the more experienced woman spent more time teaching her less experienced partner, before venturing into the LS, they would have a more satisfying experience? Many posters have said that you go at the pace of the slowest person, and I think this is a good custom to follow.

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I think we ran into that recently.

 

All the woman could do was look at her husband and tell him how good I was with oral. It was uncomfortable.

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Two thoughts.

 

Compensating for your SO's short falls via the LS is like putting a pretty new paint job on car with engine problems. You may feel better about the car for a while, but eventually it will break down because you didn't address the real problem.

 

Second, there is a difference between compensating and educating. For us, from the start, we wanted to know when the other found someone that did something better for us than we had done for each other. It was our way of expanding our abilities to please each other. Admittedly, the first time it happened it stung a bit, but nothing major. And we certainly become better about knowing what we want for ourselves and letting the other know. It has paid major dividends in the sex department.

 

I have mentioned it to a few people in the lifestyle and the response is generally "hell no we would never do that," and I find that curious. I understand not wanting to hurt someones feelings but that seems to be the attitude that would lead to compensating for SO's short falls.

 

For us we get excited to learn new ways to please each other. And at other times there is just no way we can accommodate certain things because of physical limitations. We are both former athletes, now in our 40's, with many surgeries behind us, so there are some positions that are difficult manage except for very very brief times, so when we find someone that can accommodate the other, we are both thrilled.

 

I think the difference in the two scenarios is we REALLY communicate and we are both secure in our relationship. I think when people hide things from their SO they have not fully grasped the LS and are destined to find a less than ideal ending.

 

Just my two cents.

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All the woman could do was look at her husband and tell him how good I was with oral. It was uncomfortable.

 

And, instead of doing that... she should be grabbing him by the hand and dragging him home in a heated rush to teach him how to do it better. I've never known a guy that wouldn't have loved that. Just pointing him in the right direction would have probably been much better than pointing out to him that he can't do it right. *shudder*

 

I'm sure you were embarrassed, probably more for him than for yourself. I'm sure he was feeling about the same.

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Chicup said:
I think we ran into that recently.

 

All the woman could do was look at her husband and tell him how good I was with oral. It was uncomfortable.

 

I would have been pissed, if I were you. That was a rude and disrespectful thing for her to say. My first wife and I were at a party, and the talk got around to sex, and she said , Once you go black....." to my WHITE friends!! When we left, I told her that there had never better be a repeat.

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And, instead of doing that... she should be grabbing him by the hand and dragging him home in a heated rush to teach him how to do it better. I've never known a guy that wouldn't have loved that. Just pointing him in the right direction would have probably been much better than pointing out to him that he can't do it right. *shudder*

 

+1. Mrs and I have said from the get-go that if a playmate does something that blows your mind, share it so we can recreate it. And we have done this a few times.

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+2 on the sharing of good techniques.

 

That is definitely something we look for and ask if and when it happens. Just the other night I was chatting with my wife's boytoy about a position he used that she loved. She came home and we tried it, but she didnt quite recall the position and it wasn't working right.

 

So, I texted him and asked. Got it figured out, and now it's another one to use.

 

Once I had a gal playmate ask her if it was ok for me to discuss a certain oral technique to her hubby, I said yes of course, but he never asked, and I didnt bring it up again. I figured maybe he was not feeling kosher about the idea, or who knows.

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I may not be a swinger, But I am a huge fan of respect. This respect goes for those who aren't as experienced, as well as those who are.

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+1. Mrs and I have said from the get-go that if a playmate does something that blows your mind, share it so we can recreate it. And we have done this a few times.

 

We have done that same. As a matter of fact the Mr found something new he liked one night and told me about it on the way home. Its now a part of my bj's to him :D

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I see so many couples that I look at and watch them together and just get the feeling that one of them initiated swinging out of boredom with the other one.

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