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Menage_a_Trois

If swinging encounters don't measure up, why do we continue?

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While reading this thread it put me in devil’s advocate mode...

 

We hear people in the lifestyle all the time state how incredible their spouses/SO is when it comes to sex. How mind blowing their sex lives are, etc. But we also hear all the stories and have experienced some ourselves, of how frustrated we get at certain things as a result of being involved in doing the lifestyle, i.e. mediocre experiences less than what we have with our SO/spouse, etc.

 

So if this is what is happening WHY do the lifestyle?

 

I know why we do…but why do you?

 

The Menage's

 

disclaimer:

This is not meant to offend or point the finger or to be condescending but merely to be thought provoking. We thought that perhaps it might help some people who are on the fence or are considering the lifestyle understand why we do what we do when we all claim sex with our spouses/SO is the best ever.

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I don't try to claim that sex with my spouse is the best ever. The sex with him IS outstanding, and then we have a relationship that I enjoy outside of the bedroom, as well. I have found sex with others to be outstanding too - in its own right and with its own context.

 

Perhaps in its totality and given our individual histories, we are the best to each other, but I'm not interested in doing comparisons with each partner I encounter against my spouse. It's certainly not fair to my partner if he were told out the gate that only my spouse can do it truly do it for me. The experiences stand alone. If it doesn't work, I'm not having fun, and I consider it lousy sex, then it's just not going to happen, and I'll go have some quality sex with my spouse in the meantime.

 

That being said, I often think to myself "why bother" doing any of the lifestyle stuff, because we've had some pretty mediocre experiences, but when you find compatible people, it's fun. IMO, the lifestyle aspect of our alternative sex life is one of these things much like dating and marriage. I, at least, dated a lot of people that were not suitable for me, before I met my spouse. I met one or two that may have been suitable for me. I expect in swinging that I might have some lousy experiences before I find a person I'm compatible with in the bedroom.

 

I guess that's why I still continue to participate when there's opportunity - it isn't guaranteed that every lay will be a good one. But when it IS good, it's good...

 

As always, JMO, YMMV and any other relevant disclaimer.

 

ETA: As it relates to the other thread, lifestyle or not, I still am thoroughly interested in sex with my spouse. My interest in him and sex with him does not diminish in relation to our activity or inactivity in the lifestyle.

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Menage,

 

I have asked myself that exact question before as you are personally aware.

 

Sometimes I honestly don't know why I do this, and perhaps this is the reason why we have pulled back. I can truthfully and honestly tell you that my sex life with Jay is outstanding. And I can tell you that I have been with men and asked myself just what the hell I am doing. Is sex ever going to be like it is with Jay in swinging? Of course not, I don't think anyone can ever say that sex with a stranger is as fulfilling as it is with their spouse who knows their body implicitly. But I did expect it to be less drama filled, yes. I expected it to be more fun..not sexually but in the sense that in our area there is just so MUCH drama where couples are concerned. Usually we don't even get to know how a couple is sexually because getting past issues and to the point where our clothes are hitting the floor of the hotel room is a task in itself.

 

So in answer to your question as to why would I have mediocre sex with a stranger when my husband is so good in bed? I don't have an answer to that one. You want truth, I'll give it to you. Such is why we are on a 6 month hiatus pretty much from couples, so we can regroup as a couple and figure out if this is worth the hassle. Now please new people, I am not saying this to discourage you in any way. But I'm rendering an honest answer from my own personal experiences. We are moving to Pa. in June of next year, and we are going to test the waters there.....I'm hoping that full swing is more active in that area. Soft swing is big in our area of Texas, not too much full swap from what we have found. Some, yes.....but I tell ya its not so good here.

 

Shell

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It's simply something we both enjoy doing together. It's the entire party nature of swinging. The socializing, the dancing, drinking, dressing up, and of course, the sex that entices us.

 

Sex with my wife is pure love, but we all need to kick it back and have some fun and entertainment of some sort. For other people that might be couples golf, or tennis.

 

For us we added an option to that list.

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For starters I found the thread that you referenced to be very disturbing and think there is real cause for concern there.

 

But to answer your question for us we are involved in the LS for a fairly wide variety of reasons. One of the reasons I wanted to explore the lifestyle was I wanted to be in an environment that was more sexually open and upfront than what one encounters in "real life." I really wanted to be in an environment where I didn't have to pretend to be asexual and I could be free to openly gaze at a beautiful woman and to be able to compliment her and flirt with her. I wanted to be able to discuss sexual and romantic topics openly without people trying to shush me or to feel like there was something the matter with me. I wanted to people to be able to talk to me about sexual topics without embarassment or feeling that they should edit themselves.

 

Mrs iapr really enjoys the social aspect of the LS and likes to dress up and look sharp and have the other women admire her appearance and compliment her and appreciate her attractiveness rather than tongue-clicking behind her back and gossiping about her being a slut or hussy for dressing in that manner. she also enjoys having men stop in their tracks and take notice of her and appreciate her attractiveness.

 

We both enjoy the new friendships that we have made and the fun that we have when we go out. Yes we have a lot of good old fashioned FUN when we go out, even if we do not have any sex at all with anyone else. And here lately we have been coming home without having an encounter a hell of a lot more than when we do but it is still a lot of FUN.

 

Now as far as the actual sex goes, I am not going to lie or try to downplay it, sex is fun and it is exciting and it is pleasurable. What is the best part of any evening for us is when we get home just the two of us at the end of the night. After an evening of flirting and dirty dancing and partying when we get home we are ready to crack the foundation :D If we have a mediocre encounter we can't wait to get home and do it up right, and if we have a great encounter we can't wait to get home and relive some of the great moments or to cash in on the great sexual energy that was created during the encounter. In the end it is all about us and the sexual energy and mood that we created.

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From my perspective as a recent convert to swinging, I haven't had anywhere near as strong orgasms with a playmate as I can get at home. I don't measure the fun by the intensity of the orgasms but rather by the intensity of the sexual energy. There's an interesting excitement I get from the playtimes that is simply different from what I experience normally at home. My wife describes a similar energy to me and the fun really begins when we get back together. So, even copasetic sex (or just flirty fun) with a playmate results in a lot of great fun.

 

I think it's easy to analyze swinging activities in terms of sexual fun but that limitation results in an incomplete picture. I'm not sure how to describe it in words, but I think I'm a better person since we bagan swinging and I enjoy the new me.

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Mrs. D's point of view:

 

The very beginning "why" eight years ago was because I'm bi, and really enjoy being with another woman. My husband respected my wishes to explore that part of my sexuality.

 

Meeting other open-minded couples the past 3 years at various resorts has been very freeing. Just freedom to enjoy life's pleasures and fantasies is a life changing experience.

 

Our venture into full swap just this year, was because we enjoy watching each other. It's very erotic, and truly adds spice to our sex life.

 

From Mr. D's point of view:

 

Even though it doesn't meet the same level of passion as with Mrs. D, doesn't mean it's not good. We just happen to know which buttons to push with each other to make it that much more enjoyable, and of course, the feelings that come into play.

 

We have been very fortunate in our quest for friends with benefits, and don't consider any of our experiences "mediocre". They're all hot in some way or another. We feel it's because we take our time getting to know potential playmates. We are still close friends with every one of our playmates (even one serving in Iraq).

 

We've had our frustrations in meeting couples, just like everyone else. Overall, we're very happy we stuck with it and found our ideal way of enjoying the lifestyle. We think the key is finding what you enjoy.

 

Mr. & Mrs. D

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rpu3 said:
I have found sex with others to be outstanding too - in its own right and with its own context.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

Sex was designed (term used loosely) to be enjoyable. When I have it - I usually enjoy it. On the very base level, sex is sex - whether that is with my wife or anyone else. It is what it is. But at the same time, there is a difference. I guess I have to be trite and say it is "sex" vs. "making love".

 

Swinging is something we do. Which would I rather do - swing or have sex with my wife? Well, I'd prefer to have sex with my wife of course. It is comfortable, intimate, free. I am not worrying about whether or not I can grab her leg and throw her over or slap her on the ass or pull her hair. I know what I can do and everything flows. And, of course, you have the emotions involved.

 

So - why not just have sex with my wife? Why bother to swing?

 

Well - I also like sex with my wife much more than playing Xbox... But I do like playing Xbox... If I HAD to choose, I'd throw the Xbox away, but fortunately, I don't :)

 

PS - I think it would be very interesting to turn this question around to our poly folks. Is there a difference between the sex you have with your primary and the sex you have with your multiple loves? (If I screwed up the terms, forgive me. I am not well versed with the poly stuff.) Non-polys, I think, can trace it back to emotions. Like rpu3 said, we have a separate relationship outside the bedroom. Outside the bedroom for swingers, the emotions involved tend to be - at most - good friendships.

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We like Xbox too.

 

Good analogy, Spoo ...

 

And it's the chase, it's the seduction ... all those fun things that come along with meeting new potential playmates. And it makes everyone involved feel good to know that we can still attract others ...

 

Mr. Fun has told playmates more than once that he could truly be monogamous with me if he had to. But he's happy he doesn't have to ;)

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We hear people in the lifestyle all the time state how incredible their spouses/SO is when it comes to sex. How mind blowing their sex lives are, etc. But we also here all the story’s and have experienced some ourselves, of how frustrated we get at certain things as a result of being involved in doing the lifestyle, i.e. mediocre experiences less than what we have with our SO/spouse, etc.

 

So if this is what is happening WHY do the lifestyle?

 

We have very few mediocre experiences anymore like we used to, because we're more selective now, I think. We tend to stick with couples we both really want to be with. We don't even waste our time meeting people anymore whom we think at least one of us isn't all that attracted to, for whatever reason. I think earlier on, we used to think that it would get better, or someone would "grow" on us, so we'd give it a try, end up having a mediocre or icky experience, and then realize that the first instinct is usually the correct one.

 

Having a mind-blowing, incredible sexual relationship with the spouse, better than swing partners, but swinging, anyway: this is true for us. This doesn't mean the experiences with others haven't been good, though. Often, it's the situation and the setting that adds the extra element of "hotness", so that an average/okay sex partner can make me see stars. The entire setting, including my husband being with his wife, sets off all kinds of sparks and sexual triggers that you just don't get at home on an average weeknight. The experience is a turn-on, from the pursuing and being pursued, to the sex between 4 people (or more).

 

For me, it's not at all about the comparison or break-down of how much this guy does it for me, compared to my husband. It's about us having sexual experiences that are different and new, with others. It's something we can't experience with just the two of us. We do like the social aspect of it, too. :)

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We have very few mediocre experiences anymore like we used to, because we're more selective now, I think. We tend to stick with couples we both really want to be with. We don't even waste our time meeting people anymore whom we think at least one of us isn't all that attracted to, for whatever reason. I think earlier on, we used to think that it would get better, or someone would "grow" on us, so we'd give it a try, end up having a mediocre or icky experience, and then realize that the first instinct is usually the correct one.

 

Hey Tybee, in regards to being more selective.....and this is perhaps one for private email so please forgive me. Jay and I are trying to do just that, be more pro-active in who we play with to get rid of the fakers or the ones where one wants to be there and the other is there so he doesn't cheat instead...I am wondering if you can share what y'all did? We have decided to drop back to soft swap with couples only...we tell them from jump that they need not expect play ont he first meeting. This way we can feel them out so to speak, make sure that they are both here for what they say they are here for. I probably should start a new thread, Menage forgive me for changing the subject here.

Shelly

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Wow, this may be politically incorrect since most posters refer to sex with spouses and SO's as "mind-blowing, earth-quaking, rockets red glare, etc..," but after 10 years of marriage and sex, it gets a little familiar, a two-edged situation where the warmth and fuzziness of a deep relationship can be an enhancement for sure, but where the edgy excitement and anticipation and uncertaintly and the chase can be a little diminished. If one's erotic imagination is more stimulated by the latter elements, the chase, the flirtation, the unknown, etc, then it might be that the lifestyle allows the pursuit of all aspects of sex without the guilt, recriminations, lying, cheating, etc, that the typical couple faces. And even better, it does all of that good stuff for sex while reinforcing, encouraging and stimulating deeply honest and open communication between partners. What could be healthier for a relationship?

 

(P.S. - Is this where I mention I like sex and my wife's really good at it?)

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Wow, this may be politically incorrect since most posters refer to sex with spouses and SO's as "mind-blowing, earth-quaking, rockets red glare, etc..," but after 10 years of marriage and sex, it gets a little familiar, a two-edged situation where the warmth and fuzziness of a deep relationship can be an enhancement for sure, but where the edgy excitement and anticipation and uncertaintly and the chase can be a little diminished. If one's erotic imagination is more stimulated by the latter elements, the chase, the flirtation, the unknown, etc, then it might be that the lifestyle allows the pursuit of all aspects of sex without the guilt, recriminations, lying, cheating, etc, that the typical couple faces. And even better, it does all of that good stuff for sex while reinforcing, encouraging and stimulating deeply honest and open communication between partners. What could be healthier for a relationship?

 

(P.S. - Is this where I mention I like sex and my wife's really good at it?)

 

I absolutely agree with you. The one main complaint I hear from people in the lifestyle is the fact that their spouse has "de-freaked"....where they were once sexually voracious and now are the Girl Scout mom or dad. I'm not saying that its bad to be domestic, and I agree that couples tend to get into a routine or norm sexually. Not saying that this is bad either. However, you can maintain a hot sexual relationship if you make sex a priority in your marriage. Can Jay and I have sex all of the time right then and there? No, we have 3 kids and lives......however now that our youngest is out of the baby stage and potty trained yes it is much easier. And yes, I absolutely agree that the lifestyle gives your sex life a huge boost. Its just fun to go out and be naughty for awhile. I just wish that there were more couples that are who they say they are, but thats for another thread I suppose LOL.

Shelly

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Lovethenights said:
What could be healthier for a relationship?

 

Ultimately, I don't think there is a patently wrong reason to swing. Nor, really, is there any better or worse reason. The longer Mrs Spoo and I are married, the more we realize that we aren't typical in many ways. Not better - not worse - just not typical.

 

So our reasons for swinging - and the electricity in our "home sex life" - are going to be different than most folks. Just as our interests and turn-ons are going to different...

 

When we got into it, we had a very clear idea of what was "healthy". I think we tend to default to that most of the time, but really, we have grown to accept the fact that what it really comes down to is couples being happy and sexually realized.

 

And they define what that looks like - not a majority opinion. PC be damned - if it works for the two of you and - at the end of the day - you two are more happy together, who has the right to say anything about it. Right?

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Menage_a_Trois said:
While reading this thread it put me in devil’s advocate mode…...We hear people in the lifestyle all the time state how incredible their spouses/SO is when it comes to sex. How mind blowing their sex lives are, etc. But we also here all the story’s and have experienced some ourselves, of how frustrated we get at certain things as a result of being involved in doing the lifestyle, i.e. mediocre experiences less than what we have with our SO/spouse, etc.

 

So if this is what is happening WHY do the lifestyle?

 

I don't recall us ever being frustrated in any pursuits in swinging. We've had some experiences that were less than others but...even in one's sex life with their spouse/SO there are times that sex is better than other times...it's to be expected...kind of on the lines of even the worst we've had was pretty good.

 

As to "why" we do the lifestyle...easy answer is because we can. It also allows us to experience things that we desire sexually that just can't be done with only two people.

 

Even in the times where I've been with a man whose sexual techniques are not necessarily what I prefer, the encounter was not that bad.

 

Every experience we have writes another page in our mental book that we can flip back to whenever we want. We've always been able to find at least one good thing about every encounter and since it's our mental book it's going to be recorded in we make sure it's only the good that is written in it.

 

Sex with Ted is explosive...swinging is just one of the fuses that leads to that explosion.

 

Teresa

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I meant to post this a when I first saw the thread but forgot with the weekend.

 

Sometimes I really like a good steak. Mrs. Chicup has become a master of them, and we can have it at home as well as the finest restaurants.

 

But then again sometimes I'd rather have sushi and Mrs. Chicup isn't much help there.

 

BTW this isn't a good analogy, despite all the talk about 'sexual appetite' because sex really is quite different then food, but the concept isn't too far off.

 

Our bodies tend to want variety in food, no matter how 'good' one dish is, and the same applies to sex. Its the variety in swinging that makes it good, not each entre if you follow me.

 

I may have what I think of as Filet Mignon at home, but after 100 times, I could go for some tacos.

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And even with tacos I'd like variety occasionally. Sometimes Taco Hell is pretty damn tasty and more desirable than El Vaquero (or insert your favorite local Mexican restaurant here). Sometimes.

 

Now I'm hungry 2 hours before dinner.

 

Rebecca

Off to see if there's tacos or filet mignon around.

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This is a good question...there have been plenty of times I've walked away from an experience and thought, WTF just happened there? It wasn't good, but not quite bad.

 

This is probably going to sound horrible, but I walk into a play situation not planning on having an earth-shattering experience. I'm not saying I'm like Eeyore and everthing is awful, but I guess if I set the bar low then I'm not as disappointed if it's not mind-blowing? I don't think that quite came out right, but hopefully you get the idea. :surrender

 

My SO knows the buttons to push and does it quite well. We like a little variety now and then and even if it's not a spectacular play time...well, no biggie. We can remedy that by playing once we get home or at the party.

 

We haven't dealt with a proliferation of soft swappers (even tho we aren't far from ShellyM), but some of our experiences haven't been great....but we're still working our way thru it.

 

Maria :kissface:

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If I stopped after my first bad experience, which was BAD, then I would not have met all the wonderful people I have met since. :D

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Well, with us I am admittedly frustrated, and our last play date just took the proverbial cake...this involved one member not wanting to swing and literally getting physical with Jay. When she was kicking him in the chest (literally) after biting him 4 times it was time to call it quits. This woman is pissed, and I told her and her husband about themselves afterwards.

 

We HAVE had TONS of fun in the lifestyle, I'm so not trying to paint a woe is me picture here. Man, we have met some AWESOME people that we love to death and would not trade for the world. Friendship wise I would not trade the ls for anything. It's sexual wise that we either are cursed lol or are just not asking the right questions....thus we have pulled back to soft swap only until we can determine whether or not the couple actually is here for the right reasons. I just don't see the need to swap with couples like that. So no, I'm not expecting fireworks and the earth to move when we play with these couples....but shit, if you don't want to be here why are you here lol???? That's my question. S

 

o yes, I love the lifestyle. I love going out and playing pool with the people we have met, heck. I talk to most of them daily. Its just sexually it has driven me to frustration lol. And we go to Players in SA and we haven't seen much action at all. I actually stopped playing there because I felt like a side show freak lol, I look up and 15 people are watching. I'm not doing that shit for free!! The chicks at the titty bar are getting paid LOL. Seriously though, we do love the ls. Shelly

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ShellyM said:
Well, with us I am admittedly frustrated, and our last play date just took the perverbial cake...this involved one member not wanting to swing and literally getting physical with Jay. When she was kicking him in the chest (literally) after biting him 4 times it was time to call it quits. This woman is pissed, and I told her and her husband about themselves afterwards.

 

Someone BIT and KICKED Jay because she was pissed? Good lord! What I would describe as "less than desirable" experiences we have had would sound like a day in the park compared to this.

 

I think your earlier post hit the nail on the head. Be more selective. Evaluate/reevaluate where you're meeting these people ... maybe that will help.

 

Because we're very very selective, we don't play often, but that's OK, because I like the experiences to be positive. We also don't look at this as our LIFESTYLE -- you know? It's an activity that we enjoy -- like going to wineries, participating in 5K's, or, as Spoo said, playing Xbox.

 

We swing because we want to. That is the simple reason.

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ShellyM said:
When she was kicking him in the chest (literally) after biting him 4 times it was time to call it quits.

 

:confused:

 

Why did he not call it quits after the first bite? Just curious...

 

I live by one simple rule: "bite me once, shame on you. Bite me twice, shame on me..."

 

Was biting on the sexual menu?

 

This just really jumped out at me, because if Mrs Spoo doesn't want to swing, she just says "no." I'm trying to picture how an experience becomes such a train wreck as to involve biting and kicking... So far, the pictures aren't so good...

 

:HELP:

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Spoomonkey said:
Why did he not call it quits after the first bite? Just curious...

 

I live by one simple rule: "bite me once, shame on you. Bite me twice, shame on me..."

 

Was biting on the sexual menu?

 

This just really jumped out at me, because if Mrs Spoo doesn't want to swing, she just says "no." I'm trying to picture how an experience becomes such a train wreck as to involve biting and kicking... So far, the pictures aren't so good...

 

LOL, I hear you. Well, its a long story Spoo lol. I tried at one point to help her relax, and she seemed okay. I don't think those kind of bites are on the menu lol. It's a long story. In truth we should have called it off at 5 in the afternoon when we watched them and they did not say 5 words to each other, didn't hold hands, etc. etc. etc. Yes, we were idiots lol. We had had some to drink in truth and really made a wrong call in trying to play with them in the first place. Should have went to 6th street (we were in Austin) and had fun there.

Shell

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Someone BIT and KICKED Jay because she was pissed? Good lord! What I would describe as "less than desirable" experiences we have had would sound like a day in the park compared to this.

 

I think your earlier post hit the nail on the head. Be more selective. Evaluate/reevaluate where you're meeting these people ... maybe that will help.

 

Because we're very very selective, we don't play often, but that's OK, because I like the experiences to be positive. We also don't look at this as our LIFESTYLE -- you know? It's an activity that we enjoy -- like going to wineries, participating in 5K's, or, as Spoo said, playing Xbox.

 

We swing because we want to. That is the simple reason.

 

Exactly, you and Spoo are exactly right. Again, we were stupid lol and should have ended everything in the afternoon....but we tried to be nice. Anyways, we are definately much more picky now and watch the other couple much more now than before. Shell

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Exactly, you and Spoo are exactly right. Again, we were stupid lol and should have ended everything in the afternoon....but we tried to be nice. Anyways, we are definately much more picky now and watch the other couple much more now than before. Shell

 

Girl -- you and Jay both deserve much better play partners :) -- LOL!! Aren't lessons a fun thing to learn :rolleyes: ?

 

You guys rock. Don't forget that. Not every kickin' bitin' bitches deserve you ... only some ... :cool:

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Tacos???? I will get back to that in a minute…

 

I have been reading this thread with great interest because I think the initial question is quite profound….Why? My wife and I are swinging virgins and I believe that if we could answer this question for ourselves in a satisfactory manner we would feel free to test the waters. The answers presented here from successful swingers will probably do more for us virgins than any other topic presented on this forum. Thanks to all who have responded to this question……Why?

 

On a lighter side…I was once at a pretty fancy dinner party and in attendance was the host’s niece. As the dinner was winding down and the wine had flowed the conversation became more and more sexual in nature, but respectful of the young niece….The topic of oral sex was being politely skirted when the very young niece blurted out….”Everyone likes self-basting fish tacos!”…There was not a person at the table that wasn’t wiping tears of laughter from their face. Priceless!

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I think it would be very interesting to turn this question around to our poly folks. Is there a difference between the sex you have with your primary and the sex you have with your multiple loves? (If I screwed up the terms, forgive me. I am not well versed with the poly stuff.)

 

Yes, I think you got the terms right, but they don't necessarily apply to us. At first we started out having primary/secondary relationships, but now that we've blended our families and we all live together, the distinction isn't there any more. As such, I have two partners who I love, and make love to. While they are different experiences, I don't think they vary in intensity.

 

Now, the sex we have with play partners is very different. Like many have posted here, we've become a little discouraged with the sexual activity part of the lifestyle. We have made some WONDERFUL friends, but the actual "sex" has left something to be desired, in that there hasn't been much of it yet.

 

Of course, there are a number of extenuating circumstances - vacations, work, family, home renovations, all take up our time. We're waiting and seeing, though, and we have fun no matter what we do. Those fantasies are gonna get fulfilled some time or other!

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We have time..... :rolleyes:

 

LOL Chicup. Lets just summarize it by saying that the wife is here because if they don't swing he has let her know that he is going to do it anyways. Poor girl. You know, normally I'd say she is a bitch, but I can't say that given the same circumstances I would not lash out as well. I think she wanted to beat the shit out of her husband and Jay was the body that was there lol. When you don't want to be there, looking over and seeing your husband having a great time with another woman has to be infuriating and hurtful beyond imagination. So while I am very upset with her to say the least I see how she is so angry. Just wish she had done it to her own husband and NOT to mine.

 

BUT we took it as a learning experience...wow, there are some fruity people out here though LOL.

Shell

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I have been reading this thread with great interest because I think the initial question is quite profound….Why? My wife and I are swinging virgins and I believe that if we could answer this question for ourselves in a satisfactory manner we would feel free to test the waters. The answers presented here from successful swingers will probably do more for us virgins than any other topic presented on this forum. Thanks to all who have responded to this question……Why?

This was precisely the purpose for our posting this!!!!!!

 

For us we have to echo many of the comments on here already. Why because we can, because we want too and we choose to. The why behind it is a little different for each of us I guess but the general opinion for the three of us is having the openness and honesty within our own relationship that allows each of us the freedom to speak openly about finding another person attractive without being hit with a back hand and a dirty look!

To add icing to that cake it’s the freedom to act out those feeling or urges and to be able to go with the flow.

 

If I have the fantasy of a MMMF do you think the average man not in the lifestyle would give any serious amount of thought to helping me experience that? Do you think he would reject me for thinking or being a slut in his opinion? Do you think he would feel like I was betraying him or our relationship for wanting that?

 

It’s also the socialization and meeting new people whom you can be completely free around and not worry about being looked at strangely for being a sexual being and letting our hair down. It’s the ability to walk into the ice cream store and deciding today I want to sample all 31 flavors and not have anyone think a thing about it. That’s called variety and as so many others have already said I don’t want the same thing day end and day out, so WHY should we limit ourselves to only one flavor? WHY do we force ourselves to live IN the box instead of outside of it? It’s all about variety, socializing and most of all living life to the fullest……….for us!

 

”Everyone likes self-basting fish tacos!”… Priceless!

This was GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!! This a great one to add to the list of one liners!

 

The Menage’s

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We have had less than great experiences and sex with others, and we've had mind-blowing sex with others, too. I think if we were single and dating it'd be the same way. Some people you just click with, and some you don't.

 

I've never had the same sex with anyone else while swinging that I have with Mrs. WS, that's sex on a spiritual, soul mate level. It's good physically and fulfills me emotionally.

 

I've had sex with other women that was physically as good as it is with Mrs. WS, but in a different manner since they are different people. It's not the same sex, it's really good in a different way.

 

Mrs. WS has had incredible, mind-blowing sex with other men and I've witnessed it. In fact we were talking about one person in particular that she has mind-blowing sex with because she has chemistry with him. Is it better than me? Could be in some ways, he might do one thing or another better than me. But isn't that the point? Experiencing all that life and sex has to offer? Why would I cheat Mrs. WS out of that? We only go around once - or at least we only remember the life we're in ;) .

 

I guess that is the point of why we swing. Like has been said a million times before, it's not better, it's just different, and it's the differences that are experienced that make us a better and more rounded person.

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I love this thread.

 

Like Likeitalot, wifey and I are still swing virgins. We've talked about it for a few years, brought the fantasy into the bedroom to spice things up, etc. We're finally now beginning to take steps to actually meet people and see if anything happens.

 

Why now? I think there are a number of reasons. For instance, a couple of years ago we attended a number of parties with vanilla friends that got rather sensual. Nothing overtly sexual happened except fully clothed 'cuddle puddles', teasing, light flirtation and some hugging and kissing. Mrs. R ended up having a bi kissing session with one of our young, single friends. And the wife of a couple we knew (who I was always very attracted to) and I had our own session together. With her hubby's approval, of course. Afterwards we both were blown away by how seeing each other with another turned us on. We had weeks of wild sex after that one party. :D While the girl I was with has moved away, we see the other girl all the time and she is a very special friend of ours. She's very much in love now with a wonderful young man and they're engaged, so its' mostly hands off. Mostly. hehe. But, I realized I really love seeing Mrs. R getting attention from men (and women) who are attracted to her. And the Mrs. was just as turned on seeing me with another woman.

 

Since then it seems we've been moving, slowly, toward the lifestyle. The primary reason is, of course, we're hoping to cultivate more sexual energy like what happened for us after the party. Although we're just making our first inroads to the Lifestyle we've noticed other benefits. We're trying to take better care of ourselves. We have a more engaged outlook on life.

 

So while we're swing virgins, the reasons above are what have kept us talking and moving in that direction. Wish us luck.

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I really hope that this thread lives...When I see the poll results which say about half the members here have never actually experienced sex with permission outside of their marriage I can only assume these virgins do not venture into what is on their minds, i.e. swinging, for a reason. I also assume that reason is the same or nearly the same reason my wife and I have not taken that venture.

 

The people that participate in this forum are highly sexual by nature, sex is a very big part of their lives or they would not be here. Look at the number of threads that have been posted that have the "How can I convince my wife?" theme. I don't believe that anyone that needs "convincing" will be "convinced" without some good old fashioned logic. I feel that the solution to this logic problem has to include the answer to the question "Why?????"

 

Most of us have very good relationships with our spouses and good sex lives...Until the answer to "Why?????" is discovered I think most of us will remain swinging virgins.

 

In my case my wife and I have just an incredible sex life, I can not imagine one being healthier or more satisfying.....BUT, I still crave sex with other people. I may be weird, but I honestly don't crave this "to see my wife pleasured"...there is something in side of me that craves this for me. I have done my best to imagine all kinds of scenarios of seeing my wife having sex with another man, most of the time these thoughts don't bother me but occasionally they do. However, it never bothers me to imagine me being with another woman, I guess because I KNOW in my heart that no one would ever be able to replace my wife and the history we have together.

 

As great as our relationship is I still want...the question is "Why?????" and I know that IF she was able to let go she would actually have more fun (and for a longer time) than I would.....but I know she has the same question in her mind which is "If our relationship is so good....Why?????"

 

I respect everyone's opinion and I think this is going to be one of the all time best threads on the Board. I hope the successful swingers reading this thread take the time to honestly help us answer this question and how it was resolved in their own relationship....your help will be invaluable!

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I may be weird, but I honestly don't crave this "to see my wife pleasured"...there is something in side of me that craves this for me. I have done my best to imagine all kinds of scenarios of seeing my wife having sex with another man, most of the time these thoughts don't bother me but occasionally they do.

 

I don't think this makes you weird. It makes you human. By our very nature, we are selfish...and I don't mean that in an ugly way. But many people can't see beyond their own pleasure, or if they can...they are ok with doing it...but not ok with their partner doing it.

 

I agree with your statement about not 'craving to see your wife pleasured'. I am not overly voyeuristic, I am more of an exhibishionist....and I don't care to watch my SO having sex with anyone else. It doesn't upset me (we've done same room a couple of times now), but for me it's not the amazingly erotic scene that it is for many others.

 

Sorry for the crudeness, but I know how well he fucks...and as long as him and his partner enjoy themselves, great. Do I always want a front row seat for that? No. Every now and then is ok.

 

How does your wife picture your playtime? Is she apprehensive about seeing you with another or being with someone else?

 

Maria :kissface:

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likeitalot04 said:
I have done my best to imagine all kinds of scenarios of seeing my wife having sex with another man, most of the time these thoughts don't bother me but occasionally they do. However, it never bothers me to imagine me being with another woman, I guess because I KNOW in my heart that no one would ever be able to replace my wife and the history we have together.

 

So why can't you afford her the same feelings about you? That she can want to have sex with another man and that in no way endangers what she feels for you because nobody could ever replace you and the history you have?

 

 

Quote
As great as our relationship is I still want...the question is "Why?????" and I know that IF she was able to let go she would actually have more fun (and for a longer time) than I would.....but I know she has the same question in her mind which is "If our relationship is so good....Why?????"

 

Here I feel you are still thinking within the fairytale box that society has put you in: the idea that you should have a one and only; that they should be able to fulfill your every need from here on out; that they should be everything to you; you should never want for more than what they provide and that in short you should stop being human.

 

You're still looking at this from the vantage point of "being enough" for each other and that if you are truly in love than why would you want more, like your life together is inadequate rather than being overabundant and you're sharing it with others.

 

It's like building a skyscraper, the solid foundation is already there and you don't stop at the first floor. You keep building, and adding an additional floor doesn't in any way remove anything from the bottom floor or make it less luxurious. You're not taking material out of the lower levels to build the upper levels with. Adding to the top of an already great building is just making it that much grander.

 

In short, it's adding to what you already have, not replacing what is missing.

 

Does that make sense? Because I think I confused myself. :rolleyes:

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Guest screaminggood

I do have awesome sex with my husband, but I'm also bi....and swinging has become an extension of my needs and fantasies to be with other women. After all, it seems sort of cruel to let the boys watch and then not give them some sort of pleasure?

 

But I also like being with other men because I can explore fantasies that my hubby isn't naturally comfortable with...for instance, I have fantasies of being dominated, but he isn't into the idea. So, I hunt for the perfect assertive men.

 

He's not nearly into the lifestyle as much as I am, but he loves dirty dancing with me and all the women coming onto him. He was so pleased when some girl complimented his size (and I was with her husband...no wonder she was complimenting mine...poor dear)!

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The part I've always enjoyed most about swinging is the chase, the flirting, the foreplay, etc. All of that makes up for the sometimes mediocre sexual experience.

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First, I will start by saying that we've been pretty lucky so far and our few experiences have gone really well. Can the actual sex be better than with each other? I don't think so because of how much we're in love and our knowledge of what the other likes, but differences can be fun also.

 

We originally got involved because I was so curious about my bi side and it has been really wonderful exploring that. At first, we though that we only wanted to be with a female. We quickly learned that I really enjoy the other male, too!

 

A big turn-on in swinging for us is the excitement of someone new and the ego-boost of someone else besides our spouse finding us sexy and desirable.

 

Of course, we also love how a good experience makes sex with each other so extra exciting afterward. That is an amazing benefit.

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Think of it like baseball. Even the best hitter will fail seven out of every ten times he appears at the plate, but when he gets a hit that drives in a run, that payoff is worth all of the failure.

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