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mrsdee

Unsure after first threesome - Help, what do I do now?

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A while back, my husband talked about swinging and we finally decided to do it. We settled on a MFM for our first experience, mainly because he knew of an acquaintance of his that I thought was attractive and knew was willing. The experience was ok, but I felt terrible guilt afterwards for having sex with another man. It took me a long time to get over feeling uncomfortable and put it behind me. Now my husband has found a lady online that is willing to join us for a threesome. This has caused us problems and need to know what to do.

 

I told him that I was unsure of going through with another threesome based on how I felt on the previous occasion and now seeing him have sex with another woman compounds the problem. He got very upset with me, saying I got my enjoyment but he can't get his. I don't know what to do. On one hand, if I don't do it, he is going to be angry with me. But if I do it, I have a feeling I will feel bad about it.

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I don't think "swingers" are immune to guilt or jealousy. I suggest that you confront your feelings head on. Talk to your husband openly and honestly about what you are feeling. You have to be very open with each other and talk about feelings as they happen. If you talk to him about your guilt, he may be able to dissuade it. If you tell him that just the thought of him having sex with another woman is causing you feelings of jealousy, he might be able to help you work thru those feelings. I know in my case, my jealousy had nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with my own insecurities. Once I was able to figure out where my feelings were coming from, we were able to work thru them together.

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I've known folks who will go along with one aspect of swinging so they can have another aspect. They seem to have an agenda from the beginning. To me, this isn't swinging at all. Swinging is about a couple exploring their fantasies together.

 

There are just so many fun and exciting things to share so why want your partner to compromise for your pleasure?

 

I'm not saying that your husband only went along with the MFM threesome so he could have his FMF threesome but I did sound like it.

 

Perhaps finding a couple that you both like would be a better arrangement.

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I told him that I was unsure of going through with another threesome based on how I felt on the previous occasion and now seeing him have sex with another woman compounds the problem. He got very upset with me, saying I got my enjoyment but he can't get his. I don't know what to do. On one hand, if I don't do it, he is going to be angry with me. But if I do it, I have a feeling I will feel bad about it.

 

Firstly, swinging is not (or should not be) a quid pro quo deal. If he is going into this with a "you get a man, so I get a woman" attitude, I think he's doomed from the started. Secondly, using threats to get what you want... and yes "participate in a FMF threesome or I will be angry with you" is a threat... is not appropriate behavior among adults.

 

It seems to me that your husband needs to reconsider his attitude toward you and toward swinging.

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I see, Mrs. Dee, that you have just joined us as a member. So I am pleased to say, "Welcome to The Swingersboard".

 

You will need only to look around the forums a little to see that you are not the first person whose spouse or significant-other has used the arguments that your husband is using. The advice that you have received thus far is good advice. I will add that you should consider the people that you husband is trying to draw into his scheme. These people are likely to be unhappy when they realize that you are not a willing participant. If you are going to have sex with others, you should do so for your own reasons and on your own terms.

 

~Michael

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I’m with ViSesual on this subject. It’s impossible to say for sure without hearing from both of you on the subject but it sounds from what you wrote that swinging was something that your husband was pushing for and you just went along with it.

 

The lifestyle can be a lot of fun for both parties in a marriage, but only if both parties are enjoying themselves and are willing participants. Marriage is an equal partnership and so is swinging if one party is not comfortable with something, do not do it. Nothing in this life is for everybody; we each enjoy what we enjoy, do not enjoy what we don’t enjoy, and are turned-on by what turns us on. You can’t really explain it, it’s just how it is.

 

You both need to sit down and talk about this long and hard. You both need to be honest with each other and not hold it against one or the other for their fantasies or their concerns. You both need to promise one another that regardless of what comes out during that conversation you will not hold it against the other. If a married couple is talking about giving their bodies to strangers, they should be able to bare their souls to one another first.

 

I also might make a couple other suggestions. First, both you and your husband need to give some thought on you own to what it is about swinging that turns you on sexually. I would set up a location for that conversation away from your home, a park, a motel someplace neutral to both of you that you will be free from distractions and able to talk about this subject without interruptions or distractions.

 

Swinging is not for everybody and I do not think there are many on this site that can tell you there were not some rough spots along the way. I also think everybody on here will tell you up front that this is not for everybody and that the first thing you need is a very strong marriage to even think about going down this road.

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I suggest just bringing your concerns to him and asking him to be objective about his own motivations. He's horny and has been salivating for a while now about getting to try this out, so it's understandable that he would be very disappointed (AKA angry), but that's what happens when you build up expectations in a game where - for many reasons - you shouldn't have any. Reframe the situation from your point of view: If I don't go through with it, then I feel guilty and selfish. But if I go against my better judgment and go through with it, based on my twinges of jealousy just thinking about it, and based on our last (bad) experience, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be devastated. So that's the pickle I'm in. Putting yourself in my shoes, what would you suggest I should do?

 

I think the trick is to both approach the conversation 1) assuming that the other person means you no harm by their words/thoughts/actions, 2) being open-minded and objective about how you have contributed to the problem or situation, 3) always aiming to put yourself in your partner's shoes, and 4) in a spirit of lovingkindness. You want your partner to leave the conversation feeling loved and that their emotional needs are important to you.

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In addition to what the others said, think about how disrespectful it is for your husband to insist that you try ANYTHING that you feel uncomfortable doing. If he feels he's "earned it" somehow because of the MFM threesome, then the two of you need to stop swinging completely and get your marriage back on track. That kind of resentment can manifest itself in many ways and destroy your relationship.

 

It's possible that he had good intentions and was just emotionally stupid the way men often can be. Maybe someday you'll be comfortable with a MFM, or a MFF, or both. But he needs to see that he's hurting you and regain your trust on this before it can get better.

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Guest sandraandalex

For us Swinging was something we both wanted to do. If at any time either of us felt uncomfortable, it would have stopped. The marriage comes first, extra sex partners is wayyyyyy down on the list. As any self actualized, healthy swinger will tell you, the marriage comes first. It's the litmus test, if you will. If at any time your marriage is not coming first, that's the first indicator that it's something you should not be doing.

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Sounds like he is "keeping score" and that's a bad thing. Did you also think about the possibility of him wanting a FFM and he figured the best way to obtain that was to give you a MMF first and "guilt" you into it?

 

Swinging is all about fun.....NOT keeping score! Maybe it's time to take a step back and re evaluate.....

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We started with an MFM, too. It wasn't even my husband that was pushing us, the idea was brought forward by a couple we met and wanted us to join them. I had never done anything with another female and was ready to try whether FFM or even with another couple. So, hubby was patient while we did 3 MFMs before I got comfortable enough to go to a local club and try a couple of swaps. As others have said, it's simply not quid pro quo; its what each is ready for. Would he prefer letting you grow or get comfortable with a few MFMs, or do nothing; or could you both possible just do something like a same room swap with another couple as a compromise. It's not for the sake of doing it, its because you both are going to enjoy it.

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Just an update. We decided to go ahead with the threesome with the other lady. It actually went much better than I thought it would be. For the most part, it went good. There were two moments I felt a little uneasy. Once in the beginning when they first started playing and another time later on when he came inside her. It was an odd emotion, a bit of jealousy, anxiety but also excitement. But there was no guilt or anger afterwards, so it was fine

 

Also this was my first experience with another woman. I thought going in she was mainly there for my husband, but she probably spent more time on me. She was wonderful, and one of the rare times I was able to have multiple orgasms quite easily.

 

It was a good experience for the both of us and we have talked about doing it again. Now we just have to find a suitable date!

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Thanks for the follow up. So happy to hear that things turned out good for everyone involved :) Let us know how things continue in the future...

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