This is going to be a really long first time post because there is a lot of history going on so, please bear with me.
First off, my husband and I have been married for going on thirty years. Before you begin to think that we must be ancient, we got married when we were 19. Before that, we had known each other since we were three. Not like next door neighbors or anything, we lived in a small town and our parents ran in the same social circles so we interacted together sporadically and started dating at age 16. He was my first serious boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We lost our virginities with each other.
Long story short, even back then, we knew we were going to get married but, parents being what they are had a panic attack that we were so serious at such an early age and colluded to make sure we went not only to different colleges but, to colleges in different States. My father died suddenly at the end of my Senior year in High School and a couple of months later I found myself alone, surrounded by strangers with a mother who had become distant dealing with her own unresolved emotional issues regarding my father’s death.
My “best friend”, the person who had been my rock for so many years, was now hundreds of miles away and phone calls just didn’t cut it when I needed some hugs, which was daily.
We had agreed, per our parents request to “see other people” and I slid into the party girl lifestyle (and how) while he did not. He tried dating one other girl but, ended up talking to her about me and his concerns for where I was headed and that pretty much put the freeze on that as it was obvious he was still in love with me.
Me? I was able to easily separate the feelings of love I still had for him from “just sex”, pleasure and feeling a physical intimacy with another person.
Fast forward three decades, raising five children (two are still teens) and a myriad of roadblocks that life throws at you from moving to job losses and I am happy to say, our marriage is still solid, maybe even more solid than it ever has been. We are still very much in love with one another, enough so, that perfect strangers feel the need to approach and comment on it.
About two years ago, DH started having problems with ED and libido. He went for a more indepth physical to rule out heart disease, low testosterone etc. and was proclaimed healthy as a horse…except for a slightly enlarged prostate for which he takes a small daily dose of a well-known ED medication and while it has helped a bit, not enough.
At first, we went through the idea that maybe it was just stress at work and I made sure to take steps to ensure that he was getting a good diet, regular exercise, getting enough sleep and of course, plenty of opportunities for stress release.
When that all met without success, the ugly monster of self-doubt started to creep in. Maybe I just didn’t physically turn him on anymore. I took a good look at myself, lost five pounds (I was a loose size 6 to begin with), contemplated breast enhancement surgery, threw out my old flannel night gowns in lieu of some silky jammies and did my best to make sure that at all times I remained pleasing to the eye. We did a lot of talking and made some changes to our sex lives including getting out of the vanilla rut we had fallen into over the years.
Weekends away from the kids, toys, shared porn watching, even a bit of mild S&M and learning Tantric sex. All of it has helped to a miniscule degree but, again, not to the point where our sex drives are anywhere near matched like it used to be. Fact is, he just doesn’t want it as much as I do and it isn't something you can fake with someone who knows you inside and out. The lack of passion, more than the ED, was starting to make me depressed and unhappy with other aspects of our lives.
About six months ago, we discussed many possibilities; everything from hotwifing, to traditional swinging, to cuckhold, to opening our marriage and seeing how that went. He wants me above all else to be happy, he was starting to miss my usual happy do-lucky free spirited self. For six months, it has been a topic of discussion every weekend on “date nights”.
Back and forth, forth and back we talked…we even set up “rules of engagement” should we ever decide to pull the trigger. We didn’t until last weekend.
DH had gone to the car to get his cell phone and I stood watching the live band playing. A tall very attractive stranger sidled up to me and struck up a conversation. We talked for a while and DH stood a distance away watching. Then a moment later, I looked back in DH's direction and he had disappeared into the crowd. Stranger asked me to dance (we do country western), so I said yes. After the fact, he started talking again and asked the big one. “Are you here alone?”
I had to be honest. “No. I’m here with my husband and he is floating around here somewhere.” The stranger visibly stiffened. “But, he’s not going to care that you and I are flirting and dancing. We have an open marriage.” To my surprise, Stranger started to relax.
“So, like he won’t mind if I borrow you for the night?” Stranger finally said. “I don’t know. We’d have to ask him. Do you want me to go do that?” I said.
Again, cutting to the chase, the three of us talked for a while: together and then separately giving each party a chance to have their say alone with Stranger and then Stranger left DH and I alone a bit to talk. Stranger was divorced about a year ago, has no desire to be in another long term emotional relationship, is seven years my junior, gainfully employed, intelligent, discrete and shared a lot of my interests (we can carry on a conversation) and he had never done anything like this before. He was willing to follow all of the rules DH and I had previously discussed; surprisingly, including that DH got to watch and participate with me if he so chose.
DH booked a nearby hotel room and all went well though the only penetration happened between me and DH. Stranger invited DH to hold my hand while Stranger made me cum for the third time. DH even left us alone for a couple of hours and told me to meet him in the parking lot when we were done.
Stranger, gave me his number and told me to call if that was what we wanted.
Afterwards, DH and I went home with big smiles on our faces and had the best sex we had had in a while; he actually seemed like he wanted it rather than giving me what I wanted out of obligation.
The next morning, we concluded that this just might work for us though, he admitted that watching didn’t do much for him.
Three days passed and I did finally call Stranger. It was his first time doing anything like that and I figured, he might have some regrets and wanted to feel out his thoughts. Nope. Stranger is fine with it, though he also admitted that being watched was uncomfortable for him. We have met for coffee once since just to see where, if anywhere, this might go. Our little discussion only reinforced that I made a good choice with this man being our first. He is a good person and can, like me, separate sex from “having an emotional relationship”.
It has now been almost a week hence and DH and I have done a lot of talking (and passionate lovemaking) since. He has changed his stance on several of the rules as he makes an emotional shift between talking about things and having actually experienced them.
He no longer has any problem with me going it alone with Stranger as long as he knows where I am at all times (with Stranger) and how long I will be gone. He has given the go-ahead to have penetrative sex if it evolves that way.
This whole experience, though more of a bar pick-up than “swinging” has sparked a passion for me, in him that I have not seen in a very long time. He is actually flirting with me throughout the day. I feel a sense of relief in so many ways it is hard to count. His ED is still a bit of an issue but, nothing like it was before. It matters more to me that he wants sex again than how long or how hard he gets. For the last week, he has been able to satisfy my desire and meet my own passion with some of his own. For the first time in years, he is the one initiating sex.
My question for all of you is what is the best direction to take things from here? Me getting emotionally involved with Stranger beyond a respectful interaction for mutually satisfying sex is not going to become an issue for any of us. Stranger and I are using each other, we all know it and have discussed it in very honest terms. We aren’t hanging out with each other’s friends or discussing our extracurricular arrangement with others. It is really just a “fuck buddy” kind of thing and will remain so.
The question we have is if we should expand our horizons a bit. DH is open to doing something similar on his side (thinks, but actually pulling the trigger on it might be a different thing) but, having never been with another woman is a bit daunting for him, especially with his ED. He is a good looking man, looks a bit like present day George Clooney. Women constantly make passes at him. He doesn’t even realize when a woman is flirting with him. Hell, when we were 16, I practically had to do a lap dance at a football game before he thought I was interested in going out with him. He doesn’t realize how attractive he is and is a bit shy, which makes him absolutely irresistible to a lot of females.
We have thought about visiting a swinger’s club in a nearby town but, with all of the hacking that goes on in technology these days, having our names on a “list” somewhere as members makes us really nervous. Even posting here is bringing trepidation.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.