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Guest EastBayCouple

How important is it to you that you like your partner's playmate?

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Guest EastBayCouple

Scenario: You and your spouse go out on a date with another couple. You hit it off with your playmate, your spouse hits it off with their playmate, but you and your spouse's playmate don't really jive. In fact, you kinda feel like they are patronizing you and just putting up with you to get into your spouse's pants.

 

My question: Does this impact you, the situation, your feelings about your spouse with that person, the whole grouping, etc? Or could you not care less as long as you and your spouse are happy with the people with whom you are with?

 

Ok, Scenario B: Same exact setup as above, but the difference is that in this scenario you aren't hitting it off with your playmate. I mean, you two are fine chatting, but there isn't any chemistry for playing. Your spouse and their playmate are still totally into each other, but you still feel like your spouse's playmate is just putting up with you. Does this change your feelings or the situation?

 

I guess the main question: How "good" do you have to feel about the person your spouse is with, or does it even matter since you're not the one playing with them?

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Both Scenario A and your Scenario B have occured with us. The situations do occur or develop in different degrees. The degree of disinterest or dissatisfaction seems to determine the how short the time is before we declare to the couple-in-question that things are not working. To use a well-worn phrase, no taking one for the team.

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The situations do occur or develop in different degrees. The degree of disinterest or dissatisfaction seems to determine the how short the time is before we declare to the couple-in-question that things are not working. To use a well-worn phrase, no taking one for the team.

 

This pretty much describes us. If forced to give a yes/no answer to the OP's question, it would be yes, it does matter. The degree though is actually what matters to get us to that critical point, it's not an all or nothing thing.

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We have experienced both scenarios. The first time we experienced this was actually both scenario A and B. I really disliked and distrusted the male half. He was completely immature and could not carry on a conversation beyond throwing out a bunch of one liners. His wife really didn't want to have anything to do with me. although she put on that she was into everything while meeting. It was fairly obvious she was distracted. This turned out to be one of the few times mrs D used her hall pass. The whole experience basically made us agree that if either of us had a problem with the other person then it was a no go. If I dislike who she is with, it isn't going to be at all enjoyable for me. Not any more enjoyable than me being with someone I don't want to be with. For me, Its not so much about taking one for the team as it is about being able to enjoy the evening. If her playmate prohibits me from enjoying the evening then it's just not going to work. If my half of the evening isn't into me.... Well lets just admit, it's no fun at all to be the object of taking it for the team.

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How hot is the other female?

How much do I not like the other male?

 

There is a point where we find the yes vrs no way in hell intersection.

 

If I was not being lazy I'd make a nice graph to illustrate the point ;)

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If we hadn't both like both of them, we wouldn't have been swapping with them.

 

Alura

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Adding to my earlier thoughts on this, it depends where we are too. If it is a situation where we do the dinner and drinks meet, then liking them both becomes more important. If it is a met someone at the club and decided to play, then less important since that situation doesn't really lend itself to getting to know someone enough to determine how much you really like them on that level or not unless they are just completely an instantly get under your skin type.

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We generally play same room (separate rooms only happens AFTER the first time with a couple). So, I most definitely have to like my hubby's playmate. Why? Because I'm going to be naked around/with her too!

 

Hubby is less concerned, so the hotness of the woman he is going to be with could make up for some dislike for the man I'm going to be with - as long as it isn't a trust issue, anyway.

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I guess the main question: How "good" do you have to feel about the person your spouse is with, or does it even matter since you're not the one playing with them?

 

 

Scenario A... I can't ever say we've been in this situation. I guess I'd know there would be no girl-girl action that night, right?

 

Scenario B... It'd be a wash. Actually, if I were in this situation, I would forgo playing if Dave and her were getting it on. I could care less if I play. I'm not sure how the other couple would feel, but her husband and I could watch... critique their playing?!

 

I've not experienced a time where our playmates and us didn't have a good four-way relationship, but I can see where this might bring some bad ju-ju to the bedroom.

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WSo, I most definitely have to like my hubby's playmate. Why? Because I'm going to be naked around/with her too!

 

That is a very good point. It would be interesting to have these responses broken down by gender to see if there is any difference since I think females are more sensitive to feeling judged by others than males often are.

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Guest EastBayCouple

Wow, great discussion!!!

 

One of the big reasons we recently got into this lifestyle was to maintain "shared experiences" but to expand them with sharing those experiences with other people we enjoy hanging out with. If one of the people in the group is making things uncomfortable, then it isn't really a good shared experience.

 

We looked at these situations, especially the second one and realized that with this scenarios we don't really feel like we're having a shared experience. It feels more like one person is having an experience while the other is out on the sidelines.

 

The last time I had this happen to me was a month ago and I've been trying to wrack my brain to figure out why one person gives me a bad vibe more than others. I've been trying to dissect it: Is this person less friendly, more pushy, extra good looking / charismatic (causing jealousy), too flirty, too condescending, or some weird combination? So many of these feelings get smooshed together and it's really hard to differentiate the root cause of "I feel uncomfortable with this person."

 

The tricky thing is when the spouse is into the other person and can't figure out why you don't care for them... it's even harder when you can't even articulate the reason.

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. . . The tricky thing is when the spouse is into the other person and can't figure out why you don't care for them... it's even harder when you can't even articulate the reason.
You should have no need to explain this. I believe that it is one of the features of the swing lifestyle that declining an offer does not involve writing a letter of resignation.

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You should have no need to explain this. I believe that it is one of the features of the swing lifestyle that declining an offer does not involve writing a letter of resignation.

 

This took us a couple of experiences before we came to realize that each other's veto did not need justification. The fact that one of us isn't comfortable with one of the other members of a couple is enough for both of us to say no. It should be nough that one of us isnt comfortable for the other to say no. This is interesting because, in the beginning, we didnt really question why one of us was attracted to another person, but we each had to know in detail, why one of us had a problem with a potential playmate. Of course, we talk about why we may have conflicting feelings towards a person, but that is now always after the decision to swing or not has been made. I must admit that is usually me that has had issues with someone from the other couple.... But I am also becoming a lot more accepting of various personalities.

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Guest EastBayCouple

Fantastic info, thanks!

 

One of the things I'm really taking from all this is "It doesn't matter why my partner vetos someone... what matters is they did and that's all that should matter!"

 

I mean, if the other person wants to discuss why they veto, that's definitely good, but I realize it would be bad to force them to justify why they are applying a veto.

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Fantastic info, thanks!

 

One of the things I'm really taking from all this is "It doesn't matter why my partner vetos someone... what matters is they did and that's all that should matter!"

 

I mean, if the other person wants to discuss why they veto, that's definitely good, but I realize it would be bad to force them to justify why they are applying a veto.

 

That's interesting. We always share our reasons for disliking a person. If I didn't tell hubby why she rubbed me the wrong way, how is he supposed to know what type(s) to avoid in the future? It's a learning experience, and I feel like the more we share about our likes and dislikes the rarer it is for either of us to feel uncomfortable since we're both looking for the same things. There are times when it's just an intuitive thing, and at those times we just say "I just got a bad vibe - I can't really explain it" but usually after talking it out a bit there is SOMETHING specific that caused the bad vibe so usually we do push each other to talk about it.

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Only once in all our years of swinging did I express misgivings about some guy that my wife wanted to swing with. Out of respect for my feelings, she didn't go with the guy. I always have felt a bit selfish about that episode. That guy's GF was a good friend of mine, and she siad the guy was a terrific lover, so my wife might well have enjoyed it. But, there was something indefinable about the guy that just put me off.

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