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Why have you rejected perfectly nice couples in the past?

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First off this is not a whining or bitching "why doesn't anyone want me?" or "what are we doing wrong?" post. I am asking a legitimate question and I am looking for some honest answers. I tried to put this up as a poll but I can not find a way to initiate a new poll.

 

But I suppose a little introduction is in order first. I have been a long time lurker here and I have decided to finally step out of the shadows and gather some information.

 

What I am looking for is to find out some specific reasons why you have turned down or not responded to perfectly nice couples that are of your desired age range and are of your stated play preference. I must stress that I am looking for actual real life examples and not why you THINK you would reject someone.

 

The reason I am looking into this is I believe rejection is a ubiquitous part of the lifestyle landscape and I think if were to look into it more we can find some common themes and trends and we can all learn from each other and hopefully avoid some common mistakes and pitfalls.

 

Please do not just say to "get over it" or to "move on". This is not about me or anyone or any incident in particular.

 

So here is the question, What are some of the reasons you have rejected perfectly nice couples, of your age range and of your desired play preferences in the past? Any experiences and insights will be greatly appreciated. I am looking forward to your responses.

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So here is the question, What are some of the reasons you have rejected perfectly nice couples, of your age range and of your desired play preferences in the past?

 

We liked them, but we weren't sexually attracted to them.

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Over the years we have not played with many perfectly nice couples that looked good.

 

Most of the time it is the attitude that they may have. They can be nice and still have a attitude that we did not care for.

 

I would say the second most reason is people that have way to many "rules" for us. Rules are ok but does not mean that we have to go along with them and play with them.

 

Third would be people that have wanted to "date". They want to meet for dinner, drinks and other things. We don't have the time or desire for all of that. We meet at the club, if we all like each other we play, if not there are many others there to play with. We keep it very simple.

 

That is the three reasons we have NOT played with people that we consider nice.

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We liked them, but we weren't sexually attracted to them.

 

Could you please specify what it was that prevented you from becoming sexually attracted to them? In other words was the male or female not physically appealing? Did either of them appear disinterested or was rude or too aggressive etc etc?

 

As I stated in my OP I am looking for some trends and common themes. The more specific (but PLEASE no names, dates, places etc) the more we can find out.

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Could you please specify what it was that prevented you from becoming sexually attracted to them? In other words was the male or female not physically appealing?

 

It was just that. They weren't visually stimulating to us. We're not looking for knockouts, but there has to be something there for us to build on.

In this case, there wasn't.

 

I'm sure there are others that have felt the same way about us. Sometimes, the physical attraction just isn't there.

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Good question. First, consider this: the world is full of perfectly nice couples who, for whatever reason, just don't seem to be folks you want to play with. That doesn't make them less nice, less worthwhile, or even less attractive. It just means that for some reason, it doesn't work for you.

 

Next, we'd echo VegasLee's reasons.

 

Misc other reasons:

* Their schedule and ours don't work out. E.g., they can only play during the work day, but we've both got demanding careers and can't get away. Or they want us to drive to Virginia Beach to play the same weekend I'm teaching a class in Raleigh.

* They want a long "get to know you " period. Like VegasLee, we really don't have time. We want to meet, size each other up, and either play or not.

* They're into some flavors we're not. A big deterrent to us in recent months, as several couples and singles we've met express a desire for S&M (with apologies to the S&M fans here, that's just not what we're after). Another was adamant that L do him in a fitting room in a department store at a local mall.

* We don't feel good about their hygiene (foul breath, BO, dirty fingernails, whatever) or health.

* They were in it for them only. Yes, we're all in it for what we get out of it, but most of us derive pleasure from -- heck, thrive on -- pleasuring our playmates. The folks who just want to take, period, don't work for us.

* They're disrespectful of L. Yes, she loves being a slut and I love her enjoying her slut-dom, but by golly, you'd better treat her like the lady she is, or you'll get nowhere with us.

 

We're big on feeling the right vibes with folks. Sometimes, no matter how attractive they are, how interested they are, how nice they are, something about their vibe just doesn't feel right to play with. Whatever the reason, if we don't click, we don't click.

 

One last thought... we try no to "reject" anyone. Instead, if one of us isn't interested, our preference is to allow them to decide it's not right for them, or can't be scheduled, or whatever. We know that ultimately, we can just say "no" -- and sometimes we've had to -- but we'd prefer to allow it to be their decision.

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As I stated in my OP I am looking for some trends and common themes. The more specific (but PLEASE no names, dates, places etc) the more we can find out.

 

Honestly, the common theme or trend you are going to find is we are all people and have different tastes and attitudes about and towards other people.

 

Just because any of us does not play with a certain couple does not mean others won't play with that couple.

 

I am sure you have your idea of what your looking for and I am betting that there are many here that won't have those same idea's of the "perfect couple" to play with.

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Honestly, the common theme or trend you are going to find is we are all people and have different tastes and attitudes about and towards other people.

 

Just because any of us does not play with a certain couple does not mean others won't play with that couple.

 

I am sure you have your idea of what your looking for and I am betting that there are many here that won't have those same idea's of the "perfect couple" to play with.

 

 

You are correct in many ways of course but how can we find out how things work unless we ask "why?" I wish I could figure out how to post this as a poll and it might make a little more sense. What I am trying to do is gather some statistical data on why couples reject other couples and to break it down into who rejects who and for what reason. I have posted this on a couple other sites and even though the the sites were from different geographical areas the numbers were remarkably similar.

 

The reason I am doing this is to try to do a little Quality Management exercise. If we can study why couples commonly reject each other maybe there can be some quality improvement that can occur and people can improve their game increase there their odds for success. Knowledge is empowerment and what we understand we do not fear. If we can learn more about rejection we can better understand it and can possibly even take steps towards reducing it. I realize rejection will always be with us but if I can reduce the occurance of rejection by even one, then that is at least one more night of fun!!

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You are correct in many ways of course but how can we find out how things work unless we ask "why?" I wish I could figure out how to post this as a poll and it might make a little more sense. What I am trying to do is gather some statistical data on why couples reject other couples and to break it down into who rejects who and for what reason. I have posted this on a couple other sites and even though the the sites were from different geographical areas the numbers were remarkably similar.

 

A lot of the times it's because of things that I don't think would be easy to change.

 

There are some couples that we've hit it off with as friends as well as sex partners, but there's also those couples that while we're attracted to them, we don't really have much in common past the sex. Similarly, there are some people that we just don't find sexually appealing. At all.

 

These differences, I think, aren't things that can be changed to have a better hit rate. They're fundamental to the couple doing the searching.

 

You might do better to target and specify other things in the profile that might turn people off, such as poor grammar, bad pictures, or other similar issues rather than try to deal with things so hard to change in a couple.

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Well, here's my data point contribution to the six sigma of swinging.

 

At a house party, a couple came on to us very strongly and quickly. My wife and I got the same vibe - they NEEDED to get laid. They were almost aggressive toward us. We didn't exactly tell them we weren't interested but we did invent quick excuses to find a different location. Had they been more laid back and flirty, they might have gotten us into the sack. I guess the option is still open for future parties, but on that day it was a "quiet rejection".

 

I applaud your effort to apply quality principles to the swinging domain and I hope you find the results revealing.

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The reason I am doing this is to try to do a little Quality Management exercise. If we can study why couples commonly reject each other maybe there can be some quality improvement that can occur and people can improve their game increase there their odds for success.

 

Better Swinging Through Six Sigma

-It has a good ring to it. :)

 

I think you can still add a poll, but I think you should probably gather as much data on here as possible, then post as a separate thread for polling reasons. If you post a poll right now, you may skew the answers by leaving out reasons you haven't thought of.

 

Hell, this could have the makings of a master's thesis in and of itself.

But, in the end, to paraphrase Woody Allen, I think the answer lies in "The libido wants what the libido wants".

 

(Now I feel icky for paraphrasing Woody in relation to his nefarious deeds)

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Generally... just a lack of attraction. In recent days though we've found a few cases where we might have been attracted to them if we'd met them but because the initial dealings were online and they were dragging on to long we ended up blowing them off. People who feel the need to email us and tell us their life stories or everything they did that day.... buh bye! Not to say that later on if we met them at a club we would turn them down, but we just don't want email buddies.

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We have met quite a few couples that we were both attracted to, but they were not into what we are into. Next!

I hate meeting with couples that the girl is more interested in meeting me (the female) and blow my SO off. Please let us know before hand because it is a waste of our time. We rather meet with straight couple. If you are bi and going to included my SO, then that is a different story. Next!

The worst is a couples that do not want to use condoms. We run from them like fire from water. How could you not want to use a condom with a stranger. Yes, the couple may have unprotected sex with each other and you may think that it is safe, but what if there is a secret that they don't know about each other, such as they may be fooling around on each other and having unprotected sex with others. Sorry, we rather not take our chances. We are off to the next one. Next!

Teeth, teeth, teeth. We love a couple with pretty teeth. We met this hot couple last year, they were hot from the outside anyway. Neither one of them had a full set of pretty teeth. I'm talking about rotten and missing teeth. Alrighty then. Next!

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How about I assist on both side with why I have and why I have been rejected...

 

Why we have- we met this couple on line, we enjoyed their company there, but in person they were this pokey couple, not a flirtatious touching actual POKING, in the arm, sides, legs... actually annoyed the hell out us ... So personal interaction or even lack there of can cause a rejection.

 

Why we have been- Have been told the Lady thought I looked like her brother or an ex, we were to fluffy and not hard bodied enough, we wouldn't play alone for the first time with a couple ( by alone I mean "can she come over tonight and we will set something up for you next week" ) we are in the same house at the least the first time.

 

there are some folks as Lee said that the rules get them, one rule my wife checks on with any playmate is kissing, She LOVES to kiss and if they have a no kiss rule it can count to the negative.

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Frankly, I think you are on an impossible mission here. The fact is, I have never rejected anyone that they could have reasonably done something different that would have made me not reject them. When we meet someone, we either find them physically attractive, or we don't. Not only is it highly unlikely that they could have done something different that would have changed our mind, but even if they could have, their is no way they could know that ahead of time. The reason for that is that their is just no universal standard for what makes one person attractive to any given other person. In other words, what I find hot, the next guy might not.

 

So, while I could list here a bunch of reasons why I have turned nice people down for sex, the fact of the matter is, they just didn't turn me on. As a friend of mine likes to say, some people just aren't in your strike zone. The reasons they are not in your strike zone doesn't matter. Just because they aren't in my strike zone, doesn't mean they won't be a perfect match for the next guy.

 

Actually, I think if someone tried to act in a way as to reduce the amount of rejections he would get, he would actually get rejected more often than if he would just be himself. Nothing is a bigger turn-off to most folks than somebody trying to be something they are not.

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Goodtimes hit the mark and did a good job of summing up what I think everyone else has been saying.

 

If it ain't there, it ain't there.

 

It boils down to whether the "nice" couple also fits the mark for sexual attraction. We've met tons of nice people but nice plays a small part in swinging. Rejecting people who aren't nice, that's easy and understandable. But most people are nice and they're all over the place; still, people don't play with others just because they are nice. You've got to want to have sex with them and that desire either strikes you or doesn't.

 

For us, I can't give a pinpoint reason why we aren't sexually attracted to them because the reasons are varied and unique to each situation and some people have given us multiple reasons others only one...bottom line,we just didn't feel like having sex with them.

 

Trying to break down your question into trends and common themes feels way too technical to me, and I can't get into tech stuff when I'm thinking about sharing my naked body with people. LOL Sorry, it just takes the fun out of thinking about swinging. Maybe it's because I've always approached swinging on a very instintive level and so making a list of pros and cons about a couple before deciding to have sex with them has never been my thing.

 

From what I've gathered from your posts thus far, I wonder if you're trying to break rejection down so that you can suggest what swingers need to do to change or improve themselves in order to avoid being rejected. Here is the problem I have with that idea. I have seen way too many swingers try to become something they are not in hopes of making themselves more unrejectable to others. This can work against them in that they actually lessen their self-esteem, rather than becoming more comfortable with themselves as a swinger they are constantly striving to improve themselves and become someone that isn't themselves. I see people trying to do one more thing better to make people want them more: boob jobs, losing weight, tummy tucks, hair removal, facial plastic surgery, hair color, building their bods into muscle, wearing clothes that they look stupid in but they think others will like them better in them (yet they look so uncomfortable wearing them) and I could go on. Some of these changes can be put in place without pressuring yourself (like waxing/shaving your genitals) but other decisions for improvement I doubt would have ever been done if they hadn't become swingers.

 

I have to wonder, how happy can some of these people be if after they make some of these changes they are still getting rejected? And they WILL still get rejected.

 

LM

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For us:

 

1. No physical attraction.

 

2. Women who seemed pushed into it.

 

3. Men who are disrespectful toward me.

 

4. People who lack honesty (such as men who claim to be strait, but aren't).

 

5. Different ways of playing (heavy in the BDSM scene, or on the other hand people who only want women to play or just want to watch.

 

6. If a nice friendship develops, fine, but people needing to be our BFF before we play or expect to be our BFF if we do play- uh, buh, buh.

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Frankly, I think you are on an impossible mission here. The fact is, I have never rejected anyone that they could have reasonably done something different that would have made me not reject them. When we meet someone, we either find them physically attractive, or we don't. Not only is it highly unlikely that they could have done something different that would have changed our mind, but even if they could have, their is no way they could know that ahead of time. The reason for that is that their is just no universal standard for what makes one person attractive to any given other person. In other words, what I find hot, the next guy might not.

 

So, while I could list here a bunch of reasons why I have turned nice people down for sex, the fact of the matter is, they just didn't turn me on. As a friend of mine likes to say, some people just aren't in your strike zone. The reasons they are not in your strike zone doesn't matter. Just because they aren't in my strike zone, doesn't mean they won't be a perfect match for the next guy.

 

Actually, I think if someone tried to act in a way as to reduce the amount of rejections he would get, he would actually get rejected more often than if he would just be himself. Nothing is a bigger turn-off to most folks than somebody trying to be something they are not.

 

 

My mission is not to eliminate all rejection from the earth. I agree that is not possible. My interest is to learn more about why couples reject other couples. That is possible.

 

The truth is there are some universally accepted standards of beauty that are crosscultural and existed since there has been depictions of the human body and those standards have supported by scientific research, ie female waist to hip ratio of =

 

Perhaps the same is true of why couples are rejected too. Perhaps there are universal standards of unattractiveness and behaviours that if people could become aware of they will be better prepared to avoid.

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.

 

From what I've gathered from your posts thus far, I wonder if you're trying to break rejection down so that you can suggest what swingers need to do to change or improve themselves in order to avoid being rejected. Here is the problem I have with that idea. I have seen way too many swingers try to become something they are not in hopes of making themselves more unrejectable to others. This can work against them in that they actually lessen their self-esteem, rather than becoming more comfortable with themselves as a swinger they are constantly striving to improve themselves and become someone that isn't themselves. I see people trying to do one more thing better to make people want them more: boob jobs, losing weight, tummy tucks, hair removal, facial plastic surgery, hair color, building their bods into muscle, wearing clothes that they look stupid in but they think others will like them better in them (yet they look so uncomfortable wearing them) and I could go on.

LM

 

If you are a golfer wouldn't you periodically do a little self evaluation and assessment to try and improve your swing? If you are a fisherman wouldn't you keep abreast of the latest and greatest research on fishery management and fish biology and behaviour to try and learn a few more tricks to increase your success? Why is this any different? If you could learn from other peoples experiences to help improve your success wouldn't you do it?

 

There is no training manual out there. We are all just following our gut instincts and flying by the seat of our pants. My gut instincts may be wrong. If I can learn some cold hard facts from some digging around maybe I can learn a few things that will decrease the number of times I fail and increase the number of times I succeed. If others benifit from that as well all the better. This is area where the more success there is for everyone, everybody else benifits as well.

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In your last reply, you referenced things to which you can apply scientific priciples. Unfortunately, this has zero to do with the human condition. If we had people formulae, we'd have world peace and prosperity for all, because we'd all agree on everything.

 

Why do you reject couples ? Maybe they think they're perfectly nice and are confused also. We all have our preferences and prejudices, which limits our universe of couples. That's the easy part. Then comes the issue of chemistry. It's undefineable and is either there or it isn't.

 

People are funny. A word, the sound of your voice, some gesture, your attitude and all of a sudden one of the other parties is turned off. Can you predict this ? Not a chance in heck.

 

You'll just have to manage like the rest of us. Go out, have a good time with yourselves, hope some other couple clicks with you and vice-versa and don;t take it personally.

 

Good luck to you.

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What I am looking for is to find out some specific reasons why you have turned down or not responded to perfectly nice couples that are of your desired age range and are of your stated play preference.

 

By our way of thinking, it never happens. Please don't take it the wrong way, but it may be that you want to argue with people's reasons, rather than accept their choices. (i.e. if only they understood, they would agree...) Short of lying from the start, there is likely NOTHING you could do to get a different answer in most cases.

 

What exactly do you mean by "perfectly nice"? If the attraction is nice, the communication is nice, and they are nicely within our desired preferences, as you say, we wouldn't turn them down.

 

After all, it's all about what is nice to you. Our best advice is to be true to yourselves, honest with others, and content with each other. Put your best foot forward in your profile, of course, but the key to having fun in the lifestyle is in being yourself.

 

Rejection isn't "failure" if they are rejecting you because of something accurate. In fact, it's a kind of success. For instance, you two say in your profile you don't want married guys who play alone with their spouse's permission. If we rejected you because we read that, it wouldn't be something to "fix" - it would be a good thing, right? Some couples don't want to play with other couples who won't play with solo guys. Why either couple feels the way they do is irrelevant, but neither couple should compromise their desires if it is indeed how they feel.

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Over the years we have not played with many perfectly nice couples that looked good.

 

Most of the time it is the attitude that they may have. They can be nice and still have a attitude that we did not care for.

 

I would say the second most reason is people that have way to many "rules" for us. Rules are ok but does not mean that we have to go along with them and play with them.

 

Third would be people that have wanted to "date". They want to meet for dinner, drinks and other things. We don't have the time or desire for all of that. We meet at the club, if we all like each other we play, if not there are many others there to play with. We keep it very simple.

 

That is the three reasons we have NOT played with people that we consider nice.

 

 

I agree! Also, people can be beautiful, but yet there is no attraction. I have seen several amazingly beautiful couples, but couldn't see myself wanting to have them. And we are into Bdsm--- not all of the time though! And we have turned down those that were too deep into it for us----read as-- only wanted bdsm activities. I turned down a single female, (yeah, a unicorn,), because of her voice. But then again, I didn't have the gagball at that time......lol just kidding... or am I

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My mission is not to eliminate all rejection from the earth. I agree that is not possible. My interest is to learn more about why couples reject other couples. That is possible.

 

The truth is there are some universally accepted standards of beauty that are crosscultural and existed since there has been depictions of the human body and those standards have supported by scientific research, ie female waist to hip ratio of =

 

Perhaps the same is true of why couples are rejected too. Perhaps there are universal standards of unattractiveness and behaviours that if people could become aware of they will be better prepared to avoid.

 

 

I will argue that one! I don't think Brad Pitt is attractive in any way! Not even in Interview with a vampire or legends of the fall! He does nothing for me.

 

No one person on earth can truely answer this question. It is all about perception and preference. The reason one says no, may be the reason another says yes. Life would be extremely boring if we all liked and wanted the same things.

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What I am looking for is to find out some specific reasons why you have turned down or not responded to perfectly nice couples that are of your desired age range and are of your stated play preference.

 

I hope by play preference you mean we see no 'red' flags, like impending drama or a rule like no kissing?

 

Probably the only time that would happen would be if we had already agreed to go to a party and ONLY play together...an US only night out.

 

We also would tell them that is the reason and that we hope to meet up soon and offer our email so we can plan a different party to meet at. :D

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We have not been attracted to couples because of their attraction mentally. Meaning it was not all about the outside look but the flirt.

 

Why is a woman not attracted to every man that is her age, etc. and vice versa.

 

We have felt at times that one party is more interested than the other. We do not need any drama!!!

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The reason I am looking into this is I believe rejection is a ubiquitous part of the lifestyle landscape and I think if were to look into it more we can find some common themes and trends and we can all learn from each other and hopefully avoid some common mistakes and pitfalls.

 

Please do not just say to "get over it" or to "move on". This is not about me or anyone or any incident in particular.

 

So here is the question, What are some of the reasons you have rejected perfectly nice couples, of your age range and of your desired play preferences in the past?

 

 

I think people are getting a little off track here and not answering the actual quesition that the OP has posed. He has stated this is not about him but is wanting to hear some reasons that other people have rejected seemingly compatable people. I think it is good idea and that we can all learn something from each other if instead we share some of our experiences instead of telling him why he can't do what he is trying to do.

 

Some of the reasons we have rejected people in the past are -

 

One very nice couple the male reminded my wife of an old boyfriend.

 

A couple different times all seemed well untill my wife got close to the other guy and he had bad breath.

 

We have had several people that were nice and attractive but they were looking for long term friendships and were wanting to do vanilla things on a weekly or more basis.

 

There have been several couples that were really only wanting F/F play even though they initially said they weren't.

 

There have been lots of times the female half was nice but the male half just sat there and couldn't or didn't want to talk to either of us.

 

And we have had about a million and half couples that appeared somewhat interested but my wife did not find the male half physically attractive.

 

And by comparison there was one couple that the male was attractive and nice and my wife liked him but the female couldn't keep her mouth shut for for more than a couple seconds and drove everyone nuts.

 

We have also not responded to many peoples emails because their profile pics were gross. Gross as in graphic sex and close-up pics.

 

Hope this helps.

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Me - Bad teeth, hairy backs, can't hold a conversation

 

HIm - Bunions (or ugly feet in general)

 

People who bring a lot of drama or are "forcing" their partners to do this are not "nice" in our book, so they don't qualify as "perfectly nice couples"

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Some specific reasons we have said, "No Thanks":

 

- One member fully (sometimes overly) engaged, the other just along for the ride

- Those who consider "Hi, nice shoes..wanna F**k?" to be the upper limit for conversation.

- Those who need their libido jump-started by liquor or drugs.. and proceed to indulge beyond the ability to perform or enjoy themselves.

- One's 'hot'..the other's not, but they seriously think the 'hot' one more than makes up for it

- Obvious differences, ie; stated preferences, play style, safe-sex, etc. We actually read other's profiles and heed what's in them - we are constantly amazed at how many people don't! :nono:

 

Unfortunatly, many people take rejection personally..or perhaps more accurately, as being about something negative on their part. It can, in fact, be as simple as you just don't make the other folk's hearts beat faster!

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I think people are getting a little off track here and not answering the actual quesition that the OP has posed. He has stated this is not about him but is wanting to hear some reasons that other people have rejected seemingly compatable people. I think it is good idea and that we can all learn something from each other if instead we share some of our experiences instead of telling him why he can't do what he is trying to do.

I agree, and it is probably, at least partly, my fault that this topic has taken the journey that it has. But I have to say, while you answered the original question well in your above post, I don't see any possible way this can help someone reduce rejection (with the exception of doing something about their bad breath, but that really is a no-brainer), or how it can help someone hook up with others more reliably. The fact is, while we have all rejected folks for many, if not all, of the reasons you mentioned, their is nothing those people who were rejected could have done about it to have changed our mind at the time. For whatever reason, we just didn't feel attracted to them.

 

The points I am trying to make is based on the following quote from th OP.

 

The reason I am looking into this is I believe rejection is a ubiquitous part of the lifestyle landscape and I think if were to look into it more we can find some common themes and trends and we can all learn from each other and hopefully avoid some common mistakes and pitfalls.

My point is, their are no common mistakes or pitfalls that result in our being rejected by others. Furthermore, this is nothing like improving your golf game. With your golf game, their is a skill set that can be more easily mastered with help from others. In this case though, you are the way you look, and your personality is pretty much set by the time you are an adult. Additionally, your preferences are pretty much determined by your interests and aren't going to be changed just to have a better success rate at hooking up. And if you are one of those couples that are too much drama for others, you probably don't know it, I have never met one of "those" couples that did. So, their really is nothing you can do about how others perceive you.

 

Would I like to be able to emulate the results of some of the "Don Juan" types I have met, that are able to hook up with seemingly anyone they want at the club? Sure, but it isn't going to happen, because that is just not me.

 

My philosophy, when it comes to improving my chances of hooking up with others for sex is, rejections are not really such a bad thing. The reality is, most folks don't get many rejections, because they are so afraid of rejection that they never ask in the first place. Of course, those same folks don't have much success at hooking up either. Instead, the best approach is to ask everyone you find interesting if they want to play with you, if you get rejected, so what, you are that much closer to the one that will say yes. From my observations, the people who have the best success at hooking up with others are those that aren't afraid to ask. Heck, we are not the sexiest couple to grace this planet, but we have had far fewer rejections than people who agreed to hook up with us. When we do have a slump, it has rarely been because we got rejected by people, it was usually because we just didn't ask anyone.

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My point is, their are no common mistakes or pitfalls that result in our being rejected by others. Furthermore, this is nothing like improving your golf game. With your golf game, their is a skill set that can be more easily mastered with help from others. In this case though, you are the way you look, and your personality is pretty much set by the time you are an adult.

 

I can already tell that you are thoughtfull and wise but I strongly disagree with the above statements. I DO think that there are common mistakes it is just that since this is such a taboo subject and people are always so quick to brush it off with a "get over it and move on" that people may not be aware of some of the common things. My wife too has rejected people strictly on bad breath and while you would think it was a no-brainer it obviously isn't since two different people from halfway across the country have delt with the same issue.

 

I also disagree strongly that we can't learn from others. Isn't that the whole point to the existance of this message board? If there are mentors and coaches in every other walk of life why can't there be coaches and mentors in the lifestyle? None of us were born swingers, we all have had to learn and rather than just floundering around on our own and learning through getting kicked in the teeth again and again why can't we learn from the experiences and tribulations of others?

 

Much of who we are in the lifestyle today is the result of a very special mentor that took to the time to talk to me and show me the ropes and impress upon me the importance of things like assertiveness and flirting and interacting on a personal level with people.

 

I agree with you, if you do not ask people to play they probably aren't going to play with you and that the more you ask the more you will be rejected. Trust me, I am not afraid of rejection. On any given party night I probably get rejected in one form or another handfulls of times. I am right back the next week going at it again so it is not stopping me or slowing me down a bit. However I make no bones about the fact we want to play more and get turned down less.

 

I also believe if the awareness level was higher out there that other people could improve their game as well and the more people that are on the playing field and doing a good job the better off we will all be.

 

Think of that like this. We get rejected a lot but we reject others a lot too. A lot of those reasons we reject others are simple things like bad breath or dirty nails or unkempt hair and people not taking the time or energy to even trying to be nice or charming. Those are simple things but yet they occur again and again and again.

 

I know I am not going to change the world but I might make one person wake up and smell the roses and in this business one person can make or break a whole night.

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Think of that like this. We get rejected a lot but we reject others a lot too. A lot of those reasons we reject others are simple things like bad breath or dirty nails or unkempt hair and people not taking the time or energy to even trying to be nice or charming. Those are simple things but yet they occur again and again and again.

 

Anybody who has trouble with personal hygiene would do well to figure that out regardless if they are swinging or not. Those kinds of things are pretty basic, but they are important, irrespective of swinging. As far as improving your "game" and learning from others, absolutely. But that's not really a discussion about why people reject people, it's more about what skills make for a great play partner and savvy player. We think the kind of mentoring you are talking about is going on every day here on SB, every time people take time to post and share what they've experienced or learned.

 

Everyone can always improve and go from where they are to a better place, but nothing is going to make someone physically attractive to another person if they are not. The best you can do is smile and be confident. :kissface: Playing isn't just about physical attraction, there is also the question of chemistry. We either enjoy someone's company, or we don't. It's about personalities meshing. Only way to change it would be bite your tongue (sometimes a good thing) or to pretend to be someone you are not (never good.)

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I can think of a few perfectly nice couples that we've "rejected." The reason? No chemistry. It's something that's undefinable.

 

The first couple we knew through other friends of ours. She was attractive. He was attractive. They were fun to hang out with. We're about the same age. We have a lot in common. And there was ZERO chemistry. I felt as excited about getting with them as I am to clean my kitchen. There was nothing that either one of them did or said to in any way that turned me off. It just wasn't happening.

 

Another couple was really fun to hang out with. I was into the girl and the guy. Drew was not attracted to her. At all. She is a good-looking girl, had all her teeth, didn't have bad breath and was a genuinely nice person. But, when the attraction's not there, it's not there.

 

There have been guys that I've been really attracted to. Not because they had beautiful, rippling muscles. Not because they had finely chiseled features. Not because of the size of any appendage, or anything else. It was attraction. Chemistry.

 

There was nothing that either couple I talked about above could have done to improve their odds of playing with others. Besides that, isn't this supposed to be fun? If I've got to do a whole lot of self improvement in order to increase my odds of scoring, I'm just fine not scoring as much.

 

Pepper

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... Besides that, isn't this supposed to be fun? If I've got to do a whole lot of self improvement in order to increase my odds of scoring, I'm just fine not scoring as much.

 

Pepper

 

Here here !!! I have been various sizes , real thin to well now I am Fluffy but no where near where I was way back, I was plenty lucky and played with no matter the size, cause my personality :D ....

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Guest screaminggood

Two reasons:

 

--Fake breasts. We both enjoy real breasts but have no desire to kiss basketballs.

 

--Wrong word choice. Sometimes something will come out of a mouth that is just a turn-off to one of us.

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Two reasons:

 

--Fake breasts. We both enjoy real breasts but have no desire to kiss basketballs.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

 

I gotta say I have only been with one fake breasted person ( that I know of) and she had no feeling there, made for not so much fun.

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I also think there is a big difference between who we reject on email vs who we reject in person. We've rejected people via email and then met them out and totally changed our minds.

 

My biggest reason for rejecting a couple is when the male half just doesn't flirt. Or talk. Or anything. Feels like too many men send in their wife to get them laid and then just go a long for the ride.

 

We've also rejected for bad teeth. Drives me crazy. Crooked is fine - a complete lack of attention to hygiene makes me gag.

 

If one of the people is disrepectful or flat out ignores one of us, it's also a no.

 

We rejected a couple in email because all their pics involved handcuffs - and not a single one of them looked like they knew how to use them. More like a look at us, we have handcuffs. lol

 

Other email rejections are ones that are just - look at our profile, if interested email us back. And then the profile says NOTHING or there are absolutely no pics.

 

Too many rules in a profile will also get a no. I don't like negative people. If your profile has more we won'ts, or we don'ts than it does we will or we are, then it's gonna be a no. We'd prefer to be with positive upbeat people who don't take themselves too seriously. Tell us who you are, not who you aren't, or who you don't like.

 

And on that note... We DO respond to people who tell us something about themselves in an email. We DO respond if they can tell us something about why they are writing to us and not just throwing out darts and hoping it sticks.

 

We DO like couples who are having fun, even when no one else is talking to them at that moment.

 

We like couples who look like they love each other and aren't just looking for a distraction from each other. You know the ones that will be just as content playing the two of them as they will in a group. We like people who don't take themselves or the LS too seriously.

 

We had a couple turn a no into a yes when the husband leaned in and kissed me lightly and my knees buckled :) (yes, he asked first)

 

Basically, we like people who are happy, smiling, and having fun.

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Alrighty I have went through and quoted the reason given thus far, there are a couple doubles, However the main ones seem to be

 

Hygene

Chemistry

Attraction

Rules

Time (I.E. Emailing, phone calls,Scheduling etc.)

Fake boobs

word choice (conversation)

Safe sex practices

DRAMA

Appearance (Bad teeth, bunions, hairy this and thats)

Changing up ( saying they want one thing and then when the time comes they want something else)

 

Disrespect

type of play (BDSM etc)

Resemblance to relative or old BF/GF

Coming off desperite and needy

 

The quotes are at the bottom here if I Missed a few

 

 

... we weren't sexually attracted to them.....They weren't visually stimulating to us. We're not looking for knockouts, but there has to be something there for us to build on.

In this case, there wasn't.

 

 

Most of the time it is the attitude that they may have. They can be nice and still have a attitude that we did not care for.

 

I would say the second most reason is people that have way to many "rules" for us. Rules are ok but does not mean that we have to go along with them and play with them.

 

Third would be people that have wanted to "date". They want to meet for dinner, drinks and other things. We don't have the time or desire for all of that. We meet at the club, if we all like each other we play, if not there are many others there to play with. We keep it very simple.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

.

 

Misc other reasons:

* Their schedule and ours don't work out. E.g., they can only play during the work day, but we've both got demanding careers and can't get away. Or they want us to drive to Virginia Beach to play the same weekend I'm teaching a class in Raleigh.

* They want a long "get to know you " period. Like VegasLee, we really don't have time. We want to meet, size each other up, and either play or not.

* They're into some flavors we're not. A big deterrent to us in recent months, as several couples and singles we've met express a desire for S&M (with apologies to the S&M fans here, that's just not what we're after). Another was adamant that L do him in a fitting room in a department store at a local mall.

* We don't feel good about their hygiene (foul breath, BO, dirty fingernails, whatever) or health.

* They were in it for them only. Yes, we're all in it for what we get out of it, but most of us derive pleasure from -- heck, thrive on -- pleasuring our playmates. The folks who just want to take, period, don't work for us.

* They're disrespectful of L. Yes, she loves being a slut and I love her enjoying her slut-dom, but by golly, you'd better treat her like the lady she is, or you'll get nowhere with us.

 

We're big on feeling the right vibes with folks. Sometimes, no matter how attractive they are, how interested they are, how nice they are, something about their vibe just doesn't feel right to play with. Whatever the reason, if we don't click, we don't click.

 

One last thought... we try no to "reject" anyone. Instead, if one of us isn't interested, our preference is to allow them to decide it's not right for them, or can't be scheduled, or whatever. We know that ultimately, we can just say "no" -- and sometimes we've had to -- but we'd prefer to allow it to be their decision.

 

S and L, Hot Raleigh Cpl

 

 

 

...

At a house party, a couple came on to us very strongly and quickly. My wife and I got the same vibe - they NEEDED to get laid. They were almost aggressive toward us. We didn't exactly tell them we weren't interested but we did invent quick excuses to find a different location. Had they been more laid back and flirty, they might have gotten us into the sack. I guess the option is still open for future parties, but on that day it was a "quiet rejection"...

 

 

 

We have met quite a few couples that we were both attracted to, but they were not into what we are into. Next!

I hate meeting with couples that the girl is more interested in meeting me (the female) and blow my SO off. Please let us know before hand because it is a waste of our time. We rather meet with straight couple. If you are bi and going to included my SO, then that is a different story.

Next!

The worst is a couples that do not want to use condoms. We run from them like fire from water. How could you not want to use a condom with a stranger. Yes, the couple may have unprotected sex with each other and you may think that it is safe, but what if there is a secret that they don't know about each other, such as they may be fooling around on each other and having unprotected sex with others. Sorry, we rather not take our chances. We are off to the next one. Next!

Teeth, teeth, teeth. We love a couple with pretty teeth. We met this hot couple last year, they were hot from the outside anyway. Neither one of them had a full set of pretty teeth. I'm talking about rotten and missing teeth. Alrighty then. Next!

 

 

 

How about I assist on both side with why I have and why I have been rejected...

 

Why we have- we met this couple on line, we enjoyed their company there, but in person they were this pokey couple, not a flirtatious touching actual POKING, in the arm, sides, legs... actually annoyed the hell out us ... So personal interaction or even lack there of can cause a rejection.

 

Why we have been- Have been told the Lady thought I looked like her brother or an ex, we were to fluffy and not hard bodied enough, we wouldn't play alone for the first time with a couple ( by alone I mean "can she come over tonight and we will set something up for you next week" ) we are in the same house at the least the first time.

 

there are some folks as Lee said that the rules get them, one rule my wife checks on with any playmate is kissing, She LOVES to kiss and if they have a no kiss rule it can count to the negative.

 

 

 

For us:

 

1. No physical attraction.

 

2. Women who seemed pushed into it.

 

3. Men who are disrespectful toward me.

 

4. People who lack honesty (such as men who claim to be strait, but aren't).

 

5. Different ways of playing (heavy in the BDSM scene, or on the other hand people who only want women to play or just want to watch.

 

6. If a nice friendship develops, fine, but people needing to be our BFF before we play or expect to be our BFF if we do play- uh, buh, buh.

 

 

 

I hope by play preference you mean we see no 'red' flags, like impending drama or a rule like no kissing?

 

Probably the only time that would happen would be if we had already agreed to go to a party and ONLY play together...an US only night out.

 

We also would tell them that is the reason and that we hope to meet up soon and offer our email so we can plan a different party to meet at. :D

 

 

 

.

 

Some of the reasons we have rejected people in the past are -

 

One very nice couple the male reminded my wife of an old boyfriend.

 

A couple different times all seemed well untill my wife got close to the other guy and he had bad breath.

 

We have had several people that were nice and attractive but they were looking for long term friendships and were wanting to do vanilla things on a weekly or more basis.

 

There have been several couples that were really only wanting F/F play even though they initially said they weren't.

 

There have been lots of times the female half was nice but the male half just sat there and couldn't or didn't want to talk to either of us.

 

And we have had about a million and half couples that appeared somewhat interested but my wife did not find the male half physically attractive.

 

And by comparison there was one couple that the male was attractive and nice and my wife liked him but the female couldn't keep her mouth shut for for more than a couple seconds and drove everyone nuts.

 

We have also not responded to many peoples emails because their profile pics were gross. Gross as in graphic sex and close-up pics.

 

Hope this helps.

 

 

 

Me - Bad teeth, hairy backs, can't hold a conversation

 

HIm - Bunions (or ugly feet in general)

 

People who bring a lot of drama or are "forcing" their partners to do this are not "nice" in our book, so they don't qualify as "perfectly nice couples"

 

 

 

Some specific reasons we have said, "No Thanks":

 

- One member fully (sometimes overly) engaged, the other just along for the ride

- Those who consider "Hi, nice shoes..wanna F**k?" to be the upper limit for conversation.

- Those who need their libido jump-started by liquor or drugs.. and proceed to indulge beyond the ability to perform or enjoy themselves.

- One's 'hot'..the other's not, but they seriously think the 'hot' one more than makes up for it

- Obvious differences, ie; stated preferences, play style, safe-sex, etc. We actually read other's profiles and heed what's in them - we are constantly amazed at how many people don't! :nono:

 

Unfortunatly, many people take rejection personally..or perhaps more accurately, as being about something negative on their part. It can, in fact, be as simple as you just don't make the other folk's hearts beat faster!

 

 

 

I can think of a few perfectly nice couples that we've "rejected." The reason? No chemistry. It's something that's undefinable.

 

The first couple we knew through other friends of ours. She was attractive. He was attractive. They were fun to hang out with. We're about the same age. We have a lot in common. And there was ZERO chemistry. I felt as excited about getting with them as I am to clean my kitchen. There was nothing that either one of them did or said to in any way that turned me off. It just wasn't happening.

 

Another couple was really fun to hang out with. I was into the girl and the guy. Drew was not attracted to her. At all. She is a good-looking girl, had all her teeth, didn't have bad breath and was a genuinely nice person. But, when the attraction's not there, it's not there.

There have been guys that I've been really attracted to. Not because they had beautiful, rippling muscles. Not because they had finely chiseled features. Not because of the size of any appendage, or anything else. It was attraction. Chemistry.

 

There was nothing that either couple I talked about above could have done to improve their odds of playing with others. Besides that, isn't this supposed to be fun? If I've got to do a whole lot of self improvement in order to increase my odds of scoring, I'm just fine not scoring as much.

 

Pepper

 

 

Two reasons:

 

--Fake breasts. We both enjoy real breasts but have no desire to kiss basketballs.

 

--Wrong word choice. Sometimes something will come out of a mouth that is just a turn-off to one of us.

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Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I know this is not really a very popular topic and I usually do prefer to post about light hearted and fun topics and I will do so soon once I am done with this little project.

 

I am going to start another thread and share some info that I gathered from a few other websites for some discussion. Then I PROMISE I will do some posting on some fun stuff.

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I have seen this poll on another site along with the discussions and I wanted to mention how maybe this is reflective of some of the difference between how we valure male appearance vs females. How many hours does a female spend before going to a party vs that of a male? Maybe things should flip a little there and the guys should spend 4 hours beautifying and the females take a 5 minute shower and then get dressed and ready to go in 20 minutes.

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