How to meet a single male - Our approach

In another thread about preferred colors for women's underwear I mentioned what I was wearing to meet a single male whom MrLM and I will be inviting to join us. You can find that part of the thread here.

Since interest was shown in my meetings with this single male, I decided to share how MrLM and I have gone about getting acquainted with our first single male swinger.

What has happened is probably not how most couples proceed, however, for us it has felt very right.

We are not actively seeking single males. We hadn't even discussed bringing a man into our play when we received an e-mail from this man about four months ago through an ad site. He stood out from the others who've written. It was obvious he'd read our profile from some of his comments and he understood we were not seeking males at this time but wanted us to know that if we ever changed our minds he'd like to get to know us.

We were impressed with his profile and pictures. So I wrote to him and from there we continued to correspond about once or twice a week. Our discussions have dealt with swinging in general, not too much about sex, primarily we've been learning more about each other. MrLM has never written to him, but reads all our e-mail exchanges.

About three weeks back an idea occurred among all of us - don't know how it came up - but it ended in Todd (not his real name) and I arranging a "first see" meet. MrLM helped plan it and here's what we set up.

I realize this is gonna be long - I hope you'll find it worthwhile.

Todd and I would meet at a department store where he would leave me a note with the name of the cologne he wears. This would be left in the perfume department - a glorious place I love to shop because this store has the largest selection and it's like being in a candy store when I walk through. I would then leave a note for Todd.

Rules: Mr LM would be waiting in the parking lot and would expect me back by a certain time. In the store Todd and I couldn't get closer than 15 feet from each other and we could not talk to each other. He couldn't retrieve my note until I had left the store.

You can't imagine the adrenaline going through me when I walked into that store, not knowing where he was or if he was watching me from a hiding place. I shopped a while, and never spotted him, I began to worry he wasn't going to show. Finally he appeared and I was hit with a feeling I've never had meeting any other swinger. I watched him place his note. Slowly I moved along the counters and retrieved it from its hiding place. Then he watched me place my note to him in a purse near the fragrance department. It was brief but very exhilarating for us both. Lots of eye contact, body language, and smiles. We'd waited three months to meet and here we were meeting - yet not meeting - and that's what made it so intense.

A week later we actually "met" at my favorite coffee house. We spent 2-1/2 hours together. He gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted. It was a meeting that required great control for both of us. It was apparent we wanted to jump each other's bones. He was always a gentleman and waited for me to direct the mood of the meet.

I have to mention that Todd is in his early 30's and is the youngest man I've met, and ladies, I'm sure you can understand why that makes this even more thrilling for me since I'm in my 50's. Since I've never had children I don't have any discomfort with meeting younger men. He's mature for his age, very sharp and creative, we have lots in common and I find him very physically attractive.

Yesterday was our second face-to-face meet. Again at the coffee house, but because of people close by, we moved to Barnes and Nobles bookstore after he shared he's had a fantasy of meeting me there upstairs in the poetry section, a corner of the store that offers privacy. He drove on ahead and I arrived minutes later and found him fingering the pages of a book of poetry. I slowly walked toward him, neither of us acknowledging the other, and when I got near him I stopped, pondered the books, and then moved behind him, pressing my body against him slowly as I moved by.

From there it developed. We shared our first kiss behind a bookcase. It was long and delicious, we took our time, until my legs were fighting to hold me up so I walked to a chair and sat down, glowing with heat.

What MrLM and I have learned from all this is, postponing jumping into bed can be the most hot and erotic part of the build-up to a full swing date. There might not be single males who would be so patient, maybe more would like this approach, I can't say since this is all new to me.

It has changed our thoughts about how to play with couples, we now wonder if it would be more enjoyable to hold off, have a couple of dates, before playing.

Right now, MrLM and I are feeling very energized by what has transpired between Todd and me. I'm guessing that this is a different approach than most couples take; MrLM has never met this man, written to him, or spoken to him yet I met with Todd, and I met him alone.

If someone had posted a thread like this months back I'd be warning them about this approach, but here I am today discovering something we are enjoying that has suited us. Would we use this approach with every single male? No. But with every swinger we meet we have realized we've got to look at each individually and proceed in the way that feels best.

LM I think this adventure is hot! I also think this single guy is very unique and you have found a very interesting playmate. I can't wait to hear the "end of the story".

We too have been discussing changing our swinging style a little because we have found most swingers are so mechanical. We just don't fit in with majority that meet, move to the play room, undress themselves and are ready to fuck all in less than one hour. We both enjoy the anticipation and sexy flirting before hand. We like to grope, kiss, fondle etc., whether sitting at a table or on the dance floor. Working up to the finale is part of the fun for us but we haven't met but one couple in our years that enjoyed the same.

One of my fantasies is to spend the entire day and evening with one couple. The difference being that while all four of us are doing something together we are paired off with the other spouse. So you sit next to the other spouse at dinner, hold hands shopping, sit together in the car, and finally enjoy sex, you see what I mean. Now the delima is finding another couple secure enough in their relationship to do this is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack.

mrs good times said:

One of my fantasies is to spend the entire day and evening with one couple. The difference being that while all four of us are doing something together we are paired off with the other spouse. So you sit next to the other spouse at dinner, hold hands shopping, sit together in the car, and finally enjoy sex, you see what I mean.

Our very first meet with a couple was like this. It is so memorable because of it! We spent the whole day together.

Quote

Now the dilemma is finding another couple secure enough in their relationship to do this is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack.

Agreed! Maybe more rare than the single bi-fem.

Difficult because even when you find couples who are very secure, they may prefer never separating.

So it is very difficult to find four people who click, all four secure, and all who are comfortable spending time alone with a playmate.

Our very first meet with a couple was like this. It is so memorable because of it! We spent the whole day together. LM

Okay, now I'm jealous. So, are you planning any trips out west?

We both read your story, and think it's very cool!

Sounds like you've found a good guy!

I'm betting there are a lot of folks on here wishing they were "Todd from the Midwest" right now.

We hope you'll keep us updated with this seduction.

I wish I could find a couple like LikeMinds. I don't know about other single guys, but I like the anticipation, too. It would be nice to meet a couple that was less "how many positions do you know? How many inches do you have? Can you last more than 10 minutes? Great. lets get in bed."

No, its not that bad, but close. Nice to know some couples actually take their time with single men. That makes it fun.

I think it's possible for swingers to go through phases if you will. At first it's exciting to meet someone and just jump in bed, then that gets boring and you look for more. It sounds to me as if the LM's have found a possibly perfect candidate for the game they are enjoying now. Sounds like a win-win situation to me, LM.

And, yeah, keep us updated. Curious minds want to know.

ditto what he said. I had no problems just jumping into bed with just anyone when I started. It wasn't going anywhere so why bother getting to know them. Now, I know I'm not going to live forever, so I don't want to spend the little time jumping into bed with just anyone if its not going to at least lead to something. Not to say that I won't, but...

do you know what I mean? I don't think I do. LOL

I also like my sex with a little spice, but wouldn't going to such great, rather romantic lengths be seriously exposing your relationship to potential disaster?

Seems to me that a lady that is wooed (?) in such a romantic way could easily 'fall in love'?

I think I can understand likeminds feeling. I think you will build a strong erotic energy force by postsponding. Once you both feel the same desire, the excitment is higher.

SamuiCouple said:

I also like my sex with a little spice, but wouldn't going to such great, rather romantic lengths be seriously exposing your relationship to potential disaster?

Thanks for your post.

If a couple had a weak link in their relationship it could be risky to proceed the way we have. This approach requires a couple who knows themselves well and are certain of the depth of their commitment to each other.

All swinging has the potential for disaster. This approach is riskier, BUT EQUALLY, has a greater potential for heightening the sexual experience for us and for Todd.

In anything we choose to do in life, MrLM and I realize that with greater risk there usually comes the highest rewards.

Quote

Seems to me that a lady that is wooed (?) in such a romantic way could easily 'fall in love'?

Your thoughts are valid IF I was looking for love from another man. I'm not. I have abundant love from MrLM as well as the attention I need. Many wives are loved by their husband but don't receive the time or attention from him; this has never been the case for me. I'm a very fortunate woman.

I'm not being wooed either. MrLM and I have directed the "soft play" from the start. Todd and I openly discuss and understand how we both have a lust for building up to sex.

As curiousagain said, this is a "game" that we have all agreed to play. And it's been great fun to this point.

I have to say that this is a very erotic story LM. Keep us up to date with any new developments.

Jenn

Outstanding story LM!

Taking the time to "exercise the erotic" as it were is such a wonderful way to build the anticipation!

It also speaks volumes about your relationship with your husband and your ability as a couple to explore a larger dynamic in swinging.

Please do let us know how it all turns out!

jennandjamesinm said:

I have to say that this is a very erotic story LM. Keep us up to date with any new developments.

 

Jenn

I want to say that my thread is not meant to be a "story" although it is in a sense because I am relaying something that has happened, but then, many members bring their experiences to the board for discussion. If I really wanted to tell you everything there is tons that I haven't shared...the stuff stories are made of ...and I'd submit a formal story to the "Swinger Stories" section. But I'm not interested in doing that at this point.

If anyone else has taken a similar approach in meeting singles, male or female, and have pros or cons to share about this approach, please share. This is what this thread is for.

I will keep you all in touch with how this goes because MrLM and I are learning as we go. It could end up a disappointing swing experience, but we're betting against that.

I have to mention that Todd is in his early 30's and is the youngest man I've met, and ladies, I'm sure you can understand why that makes this even more thrilling for me since I'm in my 50's. Since I've never had children I don't have any discomfort with meeting younger men. He's mature for his age, very sharp and creative, we have lots in common and I find him very physically attractive.

It helps that no one who meets you would ever think you (or MRLM) are in your 50's. You could both pass for much younger than you are (both in looks and attitude).

JustAskJulie said:

It helps that no one who meets you would ever think you (or MRLM) are in your 50's. You could both pass for much younger than you are (both in looks and attitude).

Thanks Julie. That's a real compliment coming from someone as young as yourself.

Age does play into this. From the start Todd brought up the "Mrs Robinson" fantasy he has. I'm not offended by that - I told him the difference between Mrs Robinson and me is that I don't think she liked sex - I DO.

If Todd gets a kick out of making an older woman feel good, it's okay by me! I know what he's looking for and he knows what I want. We feel we're well matched as a swing threesome. Heck, our astrological charts say we all click - any which way you pair us - so the three of us getting together has got to shoot a ball of fire into the universe.

This sounds like the differance between sex and sensuality... I am with you... take time for the sensual side of things ...single men of interest deserve to be woo'd too.

Anticipation makes it all so much more hot... ( I enjoyed just reading it... my compliments

mrs. bodyscape

LikeMinds321 said:

Age does play into this. From the start Todd brought up the "Mrs Robinson" fantasy he has. I'm not offended by that....

An interesting quote. I know that for many women, when a younger guy suggests that he likes "older women", they're immediately turned off by the remark. I would presume that there is no other entendre for a "Mrs. Robinson" analogy than the whole "older woman" statement. As with most things, I'm sure it has a lot to do with the manner in which the sentiment is delivered. However, I think its very cool that you like his fantasy. Especially from a 35 year old's point of view, anyhow.

I'd chose the 50 year old woman over the 25 year old woman more times than not. But, as this isn't a thread about age, I'll stop there....

We no longer go out of our way to meet single men, primarily because we have been stood up too many times over the years. We started our new approach about a year ago, and it works well for us.

Every Friday, we stop for end of the week drinks at a local bar. We have a small, regular group that always shows up, about half of which are Swingers. If someone contacts us about meeting, we tell him to meet us at the bar. Give him the address and the times we are there, and then leave it up to him to show up. If he shows up, great, we can chat and maybe plan a second, more private get-together. But if he doesn't show up, it doesn't really matter as we have lost no time.

I also like my sex with a little spice, but wouldn't going to such great, rather romantic lengths be seriously exposing your relationship to potential disaster?

 

Seems to me that a lady that is wooed (?) in such a romantic way could easily 'fall in love'?

The only thing she may have to worry about is this guy not pursuing other couples or single women because he's found someone that can get him revved up. And that is also not likely to happen. Two days after the last SINGLE woman I was (and still am to an extent) head over heels in love with told me we couldn't see each other because she didn't know if I could meet her financial needs, I was in bed with another woman. Don't know how, but this woman was an old flame, we were both over caffienated, and we had to work off that energy somehow.

Now, single man, worked up by thoughts of married woman that only wants sex with him occasionally? I don't see him getting too attached. Single men look for opportunity when it comes to women, sex, and relationships. The greater the opportunity, the greater the attention the woman will receive. No matter how much attraction he feels for her, he is going to continue to pursue single women.

There is no future in married women, so he's getting nothing from Mrs. LM but a chance to live out the fantasy of hooking up with a sexy married woman behind her husband's back. It doesn't matter that he knows exactly what is happening, he can pretend he's stealing someone's wife without having to actually make any kind of commitment to her or go to great lengths to hide what he's doing. Yes, thats a fantasy some single men who swing have. And yes, we know married women that would cheat on their husbands for real, but who wants that kind of drama?

But thats just based on my experience. I'm still wishing I was that guy.

EternallySingle said:

I wish I could find a couple like LikeMinds. I don't know about other single guys, but I like the anticipation, too. It would be nice to meet a couple that was less "how many positions do you know? How many inches do you have? Can you last more than 10 minutes?

I'd like to meet one like Mrs. LM too. No, wait a minute...if the same age difference were applied, that would make my fantasy "Mrs Robinson" about 70. I don't think I'd want to know "how many positions she knew." If anything, I'd be asking how many she could still get into without breaking a hip. At that age, asking if they can "last more then 10 minutes" takes on ominous overtones.

LikeMinds321 said:

If Todd gets a kick out of making an older woman feel good, it's okay by me! I know what he's looking for and he knows what I want.

I think your head's in the right place about this. Men in their 50's have been squiring women in their 20's and 30's since the beginning of time. As long as you remember that the chances of this becoming a long-term thing for him are about the same as the chances that you and Mr LM will form an ongoing relationship with somebody in their 70's, you'll be OK. What I have seen, and this applies to both men and women that date significantly younger people, is that when their dates do stop calling, it's usually because they've moved on to somebody much younger. That can be a real blow to the ego...especially so for 50-something women.

Speaking of Mrs Robinson...Anne Bancroft was 36 when she filmed "The Graduate" in 1967...about the same age as Jennifer Anniston is now.

Hell, I'd do Jennifer. I might even do her mom...once. But her grandma? I don't think so!

If anyone else has taken a similar approach in meeting singles, male or female, and have pros or cons to share about this approach, please share. This is what this thread is for.

LM

Mr. CA at the keyboard...

I always enjoy reading your posts LikeMinds. They are not only insightful, but very intuitive as well.

I will go out on a limb here. Granted, I (and the Mrs.) aren't even really Newbs yet, we're still `Wannabes' in regards to the lifestyle. That being said, and given the limited knowledge I have of you and your husband's relationship (seems very solid on the surface) I suggest using the utmost caution in this.

Why? What can go wrong? The LikeMinds are just that, together in everything. The danger lays, in my opinion, in two things. They are the `future' and what I'll call the `Four Horsemen'.

These Four Horsemen are almost guarantied to wreck, ruin or destroy a marriage. Two of them CAN be controlled, they are `choices'. Two CANNOT be controled, they are fate.

1. Infidelity: I have been on the receiving end of this and it's a BITCH! This is widely recognized in the swinging lifestyle community to be a poisonous and ultimately destructive choice. It IS however, just that, a CHOICE. I will grant you that your marriage is strong enough for neither of you to make this choice.

2. Drugs and Alcohol: This can also rack a marriage, particularly if BOTH partners take this to excess. Once again, I'll grant both you and your husband the smarts and fortitude to avoid this choice.

3, Finances: I don't care how much of a financial wiz you are, if the three offshore Casinos you just heavily invested in are destroyed by Hurricane Katrina, and they were under-insured, you're screwed. The point is that this can hit ANY of us at any time. How many marriages do you know of that were wrecked this way? This one involves fate. No one is immune.

4. Health: This is one of the items included in most wedding vows, `in sickness and in health'. There are many medical conditions (and medications for them) that can effect ones libido. What does a person do when faced with choice of taking a medication and living, albeit with almost zero sex drive, OR not taking the medication and getting worse? Once again this is fate. We are all vulnerable.

Now we come to the `Future' part. While a marriage can be rock solid today, what about the future? Could one of these Horsemen put your marriage at risk?

More important, what is the long term danger in mixing the seductive nature that is usually worthy of a well written Romance novel, in with swinging? Poetry is damn near the single most explosive use of language that I know of. It can be used for great things and tremendous changes. It can also move one to make choices that are not the best, in hindsight.

Its just my opinion, LikeMinds, I could well be full of Crap on this one. But I'd be very wary of a young Fabio look a like that quotes `A Statue of Eros' by Zenodotos or `In Former Days' by Bharthari from memory. The allure and attraction of such a man may be much to strong in a time of crisis.

Who carved Love

and placed him by

this Fountain,

thinking

he could control

such Fire

with water?

translation of `A Statue of Eros' by Zenodotos

JnCC said:

What I have seen, and this applies to both men and women that date significantly younger people, is that when their dates do stop calling, it's usually because they've moved on to somebody much younger. That can be a real blow to the ego...especially so for 50-something women.

I agree that if a woman my age needs younger men to make herself feel good about herself, she will likely be hurt with this type of swing arrangement if she's expecting to keep a single male on a leash all to herself.

CA91709 said:

What can go wrong?

 

1. Infidelity

 

2. Drugs and Alcohol

 

3. ...fate. No one is immune.

 

4. Health: there are many medical conditions (and medications for them) that can effect ones libido. What does a person do when faced with choice of taking a medication and living, albeit with almost zero sex drive, OR not taking the medication and getting worse? Once again this is fate. We are all vulnerable.

 

Could one of these...put your marriage at risk?

 

More important, what is the long term danger in mixing the seductive nature that is usually worthy of a well written Romance novel, in with swinging? Poetry is damn near the single most explosive use of language that I know of. It can be used for great things and tremendous changes. It can also move one to make choices that are not the best, in hindsight.

Your four points - and what I see as a fifth regarding the romantic/poetic side to swinging - are all valid considerations whenever you swing, whether it be with couples or singles. Your concerns are those of most swingers.

To address your five points:

Infidelity: This is a risk for couples whether they swing or not.

Drugs and Alcohol: These can be problematic, either because you risk making poor choices under the influence or (and this is usually with men) you can't perform sexually because of too much alcohol or the side effects of prescribed medications.

Fate: I would like to rename this as 'worry' because there is no amount of worry that can help you avoid what happens in life. I think more things are in our control than are not. We never know what's ahead.

Health: I'll address this first from a personal standpoint since I thought you may have brought this up because MrLM is in his 50s. Age and medications can greatly affect sex, however for MrLM these factors play no role in our reasons to swing. Maybe for other people it does and they can tell you how they handle this issue.

Romantic/Poetic swinging: If you have no romance, no poetry in your relationship with your spouse, it can be risky to include it in swinging. We talk about the physical things we will or won't do as swingers. The emotional things must be considered as well.

It's important to know the difference between falling for someone or something. If you cannot see the romantic/poetic approach as the 'something' that heightens the swing experience, but instead you make the mistake of thinking that a romantic/poetic 'someone' is better for you than your spouse, this approach won't work.

At Barnes & Noble Todd and I found ourselves standing before the poetry of Pablo Neruda. I pulled a book from the shelf and told Todd that MrLM and I have read Neruda's work and how his writing influenced a country in turmoil, so much so that he had to flee for his safety.

At that moment I was not thinking about Todd, I was thinking about MrLM and that day years ago when he surprised me with a gift of Neruda's poetry.

Well LM as a woman who has played with married guys (working on a single one right now) I have got to say I see no problem what so ever with what you are doing. If you are both of the mind that this sexual encounter and not a romantic assignation then why not.

I am sure there are lots of swingers out there who only play with couples, there are lots of swingers that only play as couples and that is wonderful, it works for them. But you have to do what works for you. We have found it extremley difficult to find couples that the chemistry works for both partners.

I think the only time there is potential for danger is when there is a lack of communication, and thought for/with you so. I know that isn't a consideration here.

I think a little seduction is very attractive, and I think it is just another facet of the lifestyle to explore. As long as all three of you are on board with the rules of this little game then allez pour lui!! (That's go for it ..for you english speaking types..lol).

LikeMinds321 said:

At that moment I was not thinking about Todd, I was thinking about MrLM and that day years ago when he surprised me with a gift of Neruda's poetry.

Mr. CA posting...

This line says it all. It was presumptuous of me to worry, and little hypocritical on my part since the Mrs. and I use the following tag line on our SLS profile...

Don't Worry - Be Happy

Neruda's an excellent poet.

First.... I want to thank you for giving a single guy a chance. I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince in this pile... but they are in there. Second... so glad someone still enjoys the "dance of romance". It really is as big a rush as the finale... I mean who wants to see just the final scene of any play. They miss so much of the fun. But then there are people who gulp their Krystal. All I can do is feel a little sorry for them... I'm one single man who always wants to settle for more.

Too Tall said:

I'm one single man who always wants to settle for more.

Good for you There *are* crown Princes out there.

We've sure met a few! Always best for all parties to be very upfront and specific about what they are seeking and more importantly to go seeking where the wife will find her most excitement. We've found as of late that doesn't necessarily happen at a swing club...(wouldn't ya know!?) but we can always take our newfound friend and take them on a little field trip to our club. Always fun.

So my advice on meeting a single male is to first ask your wife what sort of guy excites her most and take her to places she or more accurately the two of you are more likely to meet them.

I am now finally stationed in rock n'roll Nirvana...so more MMF for me!

In the words of Paul Harvey... might we hear "the rest of the story", Like Minds? Enquiring minds want to know...

Dynamar said:

In the words of Paul Harvey... might we hear "the rest of the story", Like Minds? Inquiring minds want to know...

Late October was the last time I posted here. Can't believe that much time has passed.

The Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays kept MrLM and I busy and we didn't do any swinging during that time. We only just got back into it last week with our regular swing friends.

Todd and I have been keeping in touch through e-mail every couple weeks and your timing is perfect Dynamar, because this Friday we have tentative plans for MrLM and Todd to meet for the first time. We're all trying to get together for lunch.

I'm eager to see how the men will get along. I'll keep you posted.

Wow!... Great minds think alike, I'd say! Keep those posts coming...

xoxo

Very nice story indeed. I think this story only works because you and the guy know 100% what you are getting into. You both know eventually you will do the deed. That's one of the reasons waiting and kind of dating the way you are is such a nice experience. Otherwise, it would just be another date which isn't bad either, but just not the same.

I somehow missed this post back in October.

WOW, LM... hot ...totally HOT!!!! facelick

(I'm sooooo jealous)

You go girl- that meeting sounds amazing. How fun!!!! I hope he and Mr. LM hit it off- keep us posted, I wait with bated breath.

Todd was already at the cafe when we arrived. We spotted him immediately as we walked in. He looked so good! It had been way too long since I'd seen him. The men shook hands and began talking as the three of us headed to the counter to place our order.

It all went very well. They had no trouble conversing. I could tell MrLM liked Todd and that Todd was at ease with him. Todd and I did a little flirting, I flirted with MrLM, it was very exciting for me.

I can tell that my hubby is even more excited about me being with Todd; he's now talking about inviting Todd to our home.

Wow, this is a fantastic meeting, I love the anticipation. I have played with two couples one a bit older and one much younger. I am 55, the 30's couple was not too sure of what they really wanted and it was so exciting discussing their needs and wants. We would meet at restuarnats and laugh and talk about everything. I think that it was getting to be comfortable with me that finally got them to share their bed with me. There was a thrill that we all felt and we shared these feelings that showed we all wanted a good and pleasureable experience. Rushing into the bedroom my not be what you want long term but it can be exciting. I normally dont look for younger couples or females to meet but when it happens I take my time and enjoy the smell of the roses before jumping in. Sometimes the younger swingers are not too sure of themselves and I dont want to create a situation where I come between them. Respect goes a long way with all people. I enjoyed the eroticness of the chase and the sensual conversation getting 3 people on to the same bed. It is so difficult at times to get just two people to agree with their wants and needs that when you get 3 people to share the same things, how great can that be.

Wow, been really fun reading about your adverntures of meeting a single guy. We mostly do that right now. Fun hearing what other girls think when meeting a new guy for fun. Thanks for sharing!!