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Spoomonkey

Pathological Discretion

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So, there we were this weekend, sitting at the kitchen table of an awesome couple who had invited us to visit them, discussing how much it stunk that we couldn't tell anyone about the great time we were having...

 

We couldn't tell anyone at work. I mean, we could say that we went to Reno - but when only about 10 hours of a 59 hour visit was really "water cooler worthy", and another 8 were spent sleeping, there really wasn't a whole lot we could say...

 

"We can't even tell our friends who swing," we moaned... And then we asked ourselves, "why?"

 

I mean - all we ever seem to hear about is bad experiences... Why not share the good ones too? Here we were connecting with a couple as friends and having the sort of experience that we got into swinging for...

 

We understand when our playmates prefer discretion, for whatever reason. We respect that. But it seemed insane to us that here we were, two couples, totally comfortable with telling our swinging friends that we were together - and we were coming up with cover stories... That after using cover stories to "sneak away".

 

We are hardly "anti-discretion". We have asked for it ourselves. There are times we need it just as much as anyone. We are very good about practicing it - but maybe we have gone a little too far by practicing it when no one really wants to... (?)

 

I titled this thread "Pathological Discretion" because that is what it is. Pathological - Of, relating to, or manifesting behavior that is habitual, maladaptive, and compulsive. So much of the lifestyle is about discretion - and that is as it should be. You should ALWAYS protect the people you play with. But, it is kind of funny when we feel so compulsive about it that we really are protecting nothing... All we are doing is following a black and white rule that simply doesn't fit.

 

We had a great trip - and there are so many hilarious stories that we'd love to share, but we can't because we are afraid of... Something... Or is it nothing?

 

Have you ever felt that "pathological discretion" can sometimes take the fun out of the lifestyle? We all realized that we were letting it do just that. So we decided that this would make a great thread and a pretty good discussion.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

PS - Mr and Mrs Good Times - thanks for showing us Reno in a way few people have probably ever seen it ;) It is great to know that friendships on the board really are friendships - even off of it.

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As Spoomonkey said we spent time discussing this topic because we were having a great time together and wondered why we should hide it. Would we have to be careful about the way we interacted with each other on the board? Would we change the way we responded to posts because we would risk outing the fact that we spent time together? We had some experiences that would make great discussion on this board but should we feel that it is improper to post them because of discretion? Discretion is very important to all four of us but at what point is taking discretion to a ridiculous extreme?

 

Sure we could post without using each others log in name but we are already posting under pseudonyms, so what's the difference? While it is true that we have met other people on this board in person the four of us decided we didn't mind if they knew, so why is discretion an issue?

 

For example; if we all went to a football game the first thing we would do is tell our friends the next day about the fun we had at the game and include all the highlights. In everything else in life sharing the experience with others is a large part of the fun as you relive the moment in the telling. Swingers are unable to do this because they can't share with their vanilla friends and they can't share with other swingers because of "discretion". So does having to downplay your weekend or night out take some of the joy out of the experience? We decided it did and wondered if others felt the same way.

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Dear spoomonkey, hehehe...just keep on grinning and when everybody asks why you keep smiling like that, just tell them that you're just happy to be here! Discretion is good, but you are right, dammit I'd love to tell some of the guys about some things!

 

Now on a more serious note, I believe it is important to keep some things to you, your S/O and those you swing with. I feel if you can just keep what happens between that small(or large) group, then the trust and friendships you build will be momentously greater than just the sex you have. A large part of a relationship is trust, whether it is between 1, 2, or many more,and without trust, there can be no friendship.

 

Continuing the thought on discretion and the unbelievable urge to tell someone, anyone, how about a anonymous writing in the swingers stories of your exploits, just change your name and the name of those involved!

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I agree ...

 

 

I LOVE to talk, I mean, I really LOVE to talk. I am sure many of you probably could have guessed that from my board addiction and my novel-length posts. :rolleyes:

 

We ask for, and expect discretion also - to a point. I mean, if we are mingling with folks in the lifestyle, and we are meeting people in the lifestyle, several different people, what is the problem discussing experiences? I understand and totally respect not talking negatively to others and dropping names, but I don't see why we can't discuss, in casual conversation, with other like minded people, our positive experiences.

 

Especially when the people we know also know each other? I mean, what is the harm in saying something along the lines of "We spent the weekend with 'Joe' and 'Mary'?" when asked by another lifestyle friend, "Hey, what did you guys do last weekend?" Especially if all know each other????

 

When we ask for discretion, it basically means, don't talk about me with people you work with. Don't flirt if we are in a casual setting that includes vanilla friends, our children or family members. If you see me in the grocery store, don't behave in any way laciviously. If you didn't like us, and you see us at a club or party, don't point and giggle from across the room. Don't cruise around the club/party, if you did not like us, and tell everyone that you meet that we are huge losers. :eek: THAT is the kind of discretion we prefer.

 

But if 'Joe' and 'Mary' meet 'Tom' and 'Jane', even if 'Tom' and 'Jane' don't know us, I have NO problem with 'Joe' and 'Mary' telling them something along the lines of, "Hey, we know this great couple and they live right in your area. You guys seem like you would get along great!" ;)

 

We do advertise our single male friend this way, whenever we happen across a couple. Of course, he knows this, and appreciates it. :D A single man's life is so difficult in this lifestyle. :(

 

I just don't see why conversations have to be so secretive WITHIN the lifestyle. :Surrender:

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Ok, I guess I am about the most "outted" person on this board most of the time. Over the years I have posted about many experieces we have had with people but at the same time I have never "outted" anyone in the process. Not because of the fear of me being outted, that could not happen, I am OUT! Out of respect of what others "might" want.

 

We have met many people from this board, hell, I have seen some of ya Neked! :D There has been times that I have discussed things that happened with some on this board but at the same time no one here ever had a clue or was offended.

 

Yes, I wish we could/would all talk like we just watched a football game together and never worried about what others think about what we do. I personally do not worry about what others think of what I do.

 

You came up with a great subject here Sir Spoo! Glad to see others finally feeling like maybe we protect to much when it really is not needed.

 

Oh yeah, I use my name here.... I am Lee and I am a swinger! :lol:

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I think that this seemed like an issue to me because all four of us are known on the board and some here even know us personally. If it had just been the Good Times for example, meeting someone anonymous and we shared some stories from that meeting, I don't think it would have presented a problem. Let’s face it; we read posts like that here every day. It seems different since we are all on here, and when we relate an experience the person reading it will know who the other party is through their presence on the board.

 

What we decided is that we couldn't think of a rational reason why it would matter to us if other board members knew some of our thoughts about our weekend together. It would be awkward to try to add a thought to some future thread based on our experience together, while at the same time having to change the facts enough so others wouldn't be able to figure out that we were relating the same experience as the Spoomonkey's might contribute.

 

I have to say that were I better at conveying my thoughts with the written word, and this experience was with someone anonymous that no one here would know, I would be on here spilling my guts about my wonderful experience as soon as I could. :D As it is, my writing abilities pretty much suck, so while I might occasionally relate an experience we shared, I do not intend to post a blow-by-blow account of our weekend, as I could not possibly do it justice.

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well as for us newbys we have a rule ,we dont tell any vanilla friends about our activity. as for swinging friends.we still dont give out names yet.if asked if we know so and so we keep it to yes we know them , with they are great friends lots of fun ,we have diffrences or we are not compatable. we do how ever have a black list we keep of people who are dishonest ,cheaters, liars ect. we dont go into much details we kinda share that betwen us . maby we are just new but we would rather say you should contact themm,you guys would probly be a good match . we dont want to get caught in the middle as go betweens or match makers. i think this would fit in hear or i need to read the post again lol .

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Good subject, one which i was dealing with just last night.

 

My friend and I were chatting and when I asked her what time she left the (swingers) dance, she said "oh, 2:30..just about the time I saw you being dragged off". I wanted to tell her the whole story about the great time I had with the couple that was dragging me off. Hell, she knows them, we are all good friends, she has even played with them. Yet all I could say was it was a great time and next time I am going to make damned sure I have a room at the hotel. :lol:

 

It's hard to hold it all in, damn it was a great story, especially considering these were people I have been wanting to play with for a long time, and she knows it. I guess I felt that if the other couple found out I was telling people about our time together then they may get pissed and feel I was talking too much. The last thing I want to do is piss anyone off, especially when I hope to meet up with them again.

 

But you are right..it sucks

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Glad to see others finally feeling like maybe we protect to much when it really is not needed.

 

That's exactly how we all felt. In this particular case it was not needed. Everyone had a great time and we all were okay with letting people know that we went out to visit Mr and Mrs GT. This doesn't mean that we have thrown discretion out the window. We have many other friends that will remain a secret and hopefully they will all do the same for us. But this time it was a group decision....we had fun and couldn't and didn't want to hold it in.

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We ask for, and expect discretion also - to a point.

 

We ASSUME discretion. By that, I mean if it weren't discussed, we would simply default to not saying anything at all. But, for us, this felt no different, really, than a meet up. We have met the GTs, have a great relationship with them on the board, and - as Mr GT said - would probably have ended up tripping over each others posts, telling the same stories and asking the same questions.

 

At that point, we realized that all we were really doing was lying to our other friends for absolutely no reason at all.

 

The swinging culture in Reno is radically different than it is here. I have a lot of questions and potential threads that I would have not been able to post if I had held on to (in this case) needless discretion.

 

When we ask for discretion, it basically means, don't talk about me with people you work with. Don't flirt if we are in a casual setting that includes vanilla friends, our children or family members. If you see me in the grocery store, don't behave in any way laciviously.

 

That is a GREAT point! We actually discussed this. When we were all just out walking around town, we could have been any two random couples on the planet. For us, we were a five hour flight away from home. We were never going to see many of these people again. We could have been as crazy as we wanted to be.

 

But we had to remind ourselves that this was GTs home town. So we tried not to embarrass them... I am not sure we totally succeeded, but at the same time, it wasn't by groping them in public ;)

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For us, the level of discretion totally depends on the situation. #1, never divulge any of it to the vanilla community, least of all, names. And like somebody said, we see each other in public later on, we keep each other's cover.

 

But within the swing community, it just depends. Let's say you you're in a small swing community, such as members of a club, where people will ask, "Oh, you know so-and-so! What do you think of them?" We keep it discreet and tasteful (as somebody here already mentioned) - very nice couple, wonderful company, things along that line. I think it's always in bad taste to question somebody on whether you had sex with someone, how they were, etc. But, we hear that all the time in the swing community. We just avoid answering direct questions like that.

 

If we met or talked to a new couple and friends of ours in their area we think they'd really like come to mind, we'd never give them a "referral" or play matchmaker, unless we first asked the couple we knew if they would want us to refer this new couple to them. It's their prerogative to determine for themselves if they're interested, or not. They don't need my unsolicited help, kwim?

 

Example: We got very put off not too long ago by a single man with whom we'd only met a couple of times at a meet-and-greet, nothing more. But, he really wanted to get with us (me, actually). He emailed one day saying he was with a couple of married women who he thought would be great for me, he told them all about me, and wanted to set something up between us. He told them he was trying to set something up with me and them (and of course, himself). Hubby and I were furious - this guy was pimping me out! Creep. So, I wrote him a polite but very pointed email telling him that we weren't interested, we preferred to find our own partners, thank-you-very-much. We won't have anything to do with him again.

 

Another risk to couples who kiss-and-tell, is being with a couple that seems like fun early on, but later they turn out to be not cool, maybe they've offended some people in your circle, or for whatever reason they just turn out to be turning people off. Maybe you don't even want to be with them later on, after you know them better. If everyone learns you were with "them", it could shed a bad light on you.

 

Someplace here, I recently read a thread about the certifications on SLS. A lot of people said they looked at who people were with (or in contact with), and would use that info to judge whether they wanted to be with them, or not. If their friends/contacts looked unsavory in any way, people would reject the couple they might have otherwise wanted to meet. Sometimes, TMI can backfire.

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I almost feel it is a non-issue in your case. If there were one of you who had a need for discretion, then the group must respect that, but since all 4 of you have already said it's fine, what's the problem?

 

The only issue that there may be is with how much is shareable... Some things happen that is best not shared by anyone other than the person it happened to. Or there may something in the details that is sensitive to one person, but may not appear that way to another. So there might still be a need for some level of discretion, even though the overall experience does not require it. Then again, going by what I know of the 4 of you, I'm fairly certain you'd go out of your way not to post something personal in any case...

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I can't help but feel like some of this topic - the feeling that you can't discuss your weekend HERE openly - comes from past experiences we've had here on the board where similar situations have come up.

 

Here's my thoughts:

 

Situation 1: Two couples (or a couple and a single) spend the weekend together having wild sex. One or the other involved comes here and posts how great the sex was. That's just poor taste (IMO) and not really what this board is about. However, we do have a stories section - and that is exactly what it's all about.

 

- The situations we've had on the board previously were more like:

 

Situation 2: Two couples (or a couple and a single) get together and have wild sex. One of them comes here and posts about it (how great the other person was in bed, etc). We are left to guess as to whether or not the other parties involved are ok with such a posting, but whether they are or not, it's still in bad taste (again, because that's not what this board is about).

 

Situation 3: has probably come up but we probably wouldn't know it if it did. Two couples (or couple and single) from the board spend time together over the course of that time many things occur (such as in your weekend). There may have been sex (but it's really none of our business) but there was also talking and discussion. Later one or more of those parties comes back here and brings up one or more of the topics that the group had discussed.

 

-Actually I can think of at least one instance where I know this happened, because both couples came back and started similar threads from their differing POVs. It was quite clear from their threads (and the timing of such) what had gone down and that it wasn't very good (even tho they didn't come out and say that that was the case until much later).

 

Dr. Jekyll has an excellent point as well. Basically, it comes down to it being a matter of all parties involved having discussed what they feel should not be discussed outside of their group.

 

That said, if you've got a hot story to share, we've got a story section and I know for a fact that it wouldn't be the first story Mr. Spoo has posted :). If you've got any more great topics that you discussed over the weekend, post away. I'm sure we'd all love to know what you talked about and add our own opinions.

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Just wanted to add another thought as well.

 

I'm sure a lot of us have met people from this board beyond Meet Ups. One reason we may not feel it best to discuss such meetings on the board is simply that we don't want others making assumptions, or asking "why did they meet them and not me". Since we try to foster an overall accepting attitude on the board and not allow it to become a hook-up zone, we may feel that it in some way cheapens things sharing our non-Meet-up Meetings. And in a way, it does. Not because of anything we've done but because too often when people see that Couple 1 met with Couple 2 off the board they automatically assume everyone had sex all weekend (we are swingers after all). When, in fact, it may have been just a weekend with friends, hanging out and enjoying each others company. Thus being the kind of weekend you CAN talk to your vanilla friends about, possibly easier than you would feel comfortable talking to other swingers about.

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Great points Julie,

 

In this case, when we first decided to get together for a weekend we all pretty much decided that it would be best in the interest of discretion and for some of the reasons you mentioned to just make up cover stories and leave it at that. As Spoomonkey said, we always seem to default to maximum discretion but often times it is not needed or even warranted, in my opinion. Let's face it, if this were a swing club instead of a public forum, we would all know who is visiting with who but we are still discrete when it comes to details.

 

As our weekend unfolded though it became obvious that we were having many experiences that, we almost couldn't help but share here. This would be hard or almost impossible to do if we wanted to keep the fact that we ever got together a secret. At some point we sat around the kitchen table discussing it and decided that, we might have all taken our discretion a little too seriously, in this case, and decided this would make a great discussion, so here we are.

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Out of respect of what others "might" want.

 

That to me is the key.

 

It's not so much that I care what other's think about "us" meeting someone and what we "might" have done, it's out of respect for those that we have met that we wouldn't discuss here on the board what went on.

 

However, like Mrs. Spoo said....

 

But this time it was a group decision.

 

I see nothing wrong with that. The four of you discussed it, came to an agreement and you were/are all cool with it.

 

I also agree with Julie's posts....we have been on the board longer than most here and I remember a few years back where poster #1 mentioned something that happened with poster #2...kind of explicit and my first throught was OMG :eek: , that should have remained private, I hope they discussed it with poster #2 before they said anything. To me it was in very poor taste.

 

I think it's okay to discuss that you have met so-n-so and had a great time IF all parties are in agreement, but graphic details of anything that "might" have went on really is not necessary.

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I think it's okay to discuss that you have met so-n-so and had a great time IF all parties are in agreement, but graphic details of anything that "might" have went on really is not necessary.

 

Graphic details are NOT to follow :D

 

Actually, we learned so much about the differences in swinging culture - for example, we are convinced that if we had started out in Reno we would not be in the lifestyle today. Yes, it is just that different!

 

Those are really the things that I think are interesting and will make for good discussion.

 

Our point in posting this thread is simply this - we defaulted to discretion out of habit. When it isn't neccessary, why not enjoy it without the see-through cover stories and half-cocked lies? This is one of the few times when we have been able to do that - and it has been liberating!

 

So - while discretion is the rule in swinging - and it is a rule that we have listed at the top of the mental list - it is nice to feel like we have a group of friends who we can share with without all the gymnastics...

 

It wasn't quite as good as telling the hyper religious guy I sit next to at work, but it was pretty good :D

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I'm sure a lot of us have met people from this board beyond Meet Ups. One reason we may not feel it best to discuss such meetings on the board is simply that we don't want others making assumptions, or asking "why did they meet them and not me".

 

This was actually a concern for us. We know these things can happen. People go to meet ups and you may hit it off with one or several couples or a single and think it would be great to see them again and hang out. The problem is sometimes you can make arrangements to see them again and sometimes you can't. So many things play into that, distance, available time for all involved, kids, or family.

 

Our hope is that since we are all part of this wonderful world of swinging that everyone realizes it's not always a sign that someone doesn't want to hang out past a meet up. But that sometimes someone asked first or that people have other obligations outside of swinging the makes you have to wait till the next meet up to see each other or to make plans beyond it.

 

When you go to a meet up you go away wishing you could spend a weekend with everyone you met. We've been to two meet ups and hope to go to many more to broaden our circle of friends here and beyond the board. It does get frustrating when you meet such cool people off the board at a meet up and realize that as much as you want to you may never get to enjoy a hang out weekend.

 

 

Since we try to foster an overall accepting attitude on the board and not allow it to become a hook-up zone, we may feel that it in some way cheapens things sharing our non-Meet-up Meetings.

 

I would hope that people don't think it cheapens the meet-ups when they find out that someone got together after the meet up. Your right the board isn't for hook ups but I would think it is for friendships. We have always looked for that since we started swinging and now we just laugh because we can't seem to find local friends we find them all over the country. It almost scares me because there are people on here from other countries and I can't afford the airfare for that type of friendship :eek::lol:

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Our point in posting this thread is simply this - we defaulted to discretion out of habit. When it isn't neccessary, why not enjoy it without the see-through cover stories and half-cocked lies? This is one of the few times when we have been able to do that - and it has been liberating!

I'll bet it was liberating sharing such an enjoyable time. It's also nice reading of such great encounters. Glad all four of you decided to share with us :)

 

Our very first time with another couple, they told us "we never kiss and tell". We thought that was pretty good advice to swing by. But after a particularly enjoyable evening, it sure would be fun to share it with other friends. Not so much the nitty gritty, but just the fun time we had.

 

BTW......this explains why there wasn't a Reno meet-up ;).....well, at least one that was posted in the meet-up section :lol:

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Our very first time with another couple, they told us "we never kiss and tell".

 

This really is our rule. When we are at our club, we would never point out someone and say "we've been with them." That just isn't cool. Heck, we may be ruining their chances by associating them with us :D

 

But then again - if that same couple came up and starting making out with us - the logical inference might be made.

 

Of course, I have kissed many more women than I have played with. ;)

 

As I am sure we all have...

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I think this is a great thread and for me, came in a very timely manner. Being a single male I am "under a stronger microscope" than couples. I feel I have had a fair success in the swinging world. And, let’s be honest. People choose to play with another couple or a single for many reasons, one of them being a lack of red flags. Perception of a lack of discretion is a huge, huge, red flag and one that no single male can afford to fly.

 

I think discretion is often what you tell and where and how you tell it. I recently outted myself to a female friend. She also outted herself, as she had swung with her ex and is bi. So, that worked out great. I sort of outted myself to my newest FB when she said she would like to “try the wilder side of life” in reference to trying things sexually she never had. I have been careful what I have said but so far, she is all ears.

 

That is why I said this has been a very timely post for me. While I would never “tell on” others. I am reaching a point that I am tired of not telling the world I am a swinger. But, until I decide to change jobs or tell my Daughters, mum’s the word!

 

I have met people from this board. Most of the time, we just hung out and talked and had a beer or two. I think one of the reasons you don’t tell anything is that people automatically assume if you are all swingers and you met in real life then something sexual occurred and that it would be seen as not discrete. I have met many people who I have a hobby in common with, it doesn’t mean we have enjoyed that hobby together. But, we had a great time talking about that hobby and other subjects. Nobody has a difficult time understanding, believing, and accepting that. But, I think sometimes it’s difficult for people to do that with swinging. So, people say nothing to prevent a lot of things being assumed.

 

Yes, it would be in bad taste among other things to relate sexual specifics anywhere much less this board of meetups with other people from the board. But, there are always some great non sexual stories to be told that you have to keep suppressed. At least the couples have each other to talk about it with. We singles don't. I think as long as all agree to talk about it and agree on what to talk about it is great. Overall this is a great bunch of people here and are kindred souls in many ways.

 

It's no secret that Julie, TNT, and I met in Memphis to recon for the meet. While "nothing happened" I had an absolute blast. These are three very neat and fun people to hang out with. I laughed till I cried, I drank till I was about blind, I drove all the way back across the state hungover with a huge grin on my face the next day. You can't help but smile when you see Julie smile. Teresa is always making sure everybody is having a good time and that they are Ok. Ted waits patiently for your understanding to catch up with his dry humor and laughing with you when you get it. They are all just good down to earth "good people". But, did I come back here and tell how I met three really neat people? NO. Why not? Discretion, the feeling that you can't tell anything. Maybe by pointing out how we can all get a little anal about it Spoomonkey has been the one to yell "The Emperor has no clothes".

 

I for one, would like to hear just how many times that toe suffered additional trauma. LOL

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This was actually a concern for us. We know these things can happen. People go to meet ups and you may hit it off with one or several couples or a single and think it would be great to see them again and hang out. The problem is sometimes you can make arrangements to see them again and sometimes you can't. So many things play into that, distance, available time for all involved, kids, or family.

 

My comment wasn't just in regards to those you may have already met, but in general. Some may not even realize that you may have had the opportunity to meet someone at an organized meet-up and may think two people from the board just got together. Whether or not the first meet was at an organized meet up or not. There are always going to be a few people who may get jealous that you flew all the way to another state to meet one couple on the board, when another may live around the corner.

 

I would hope that people don't think it cheapens the meet-ups when they find out that someone got together after the meet up. Your right the board isn't for hook ups but I would think it is for friendships. We have always looked for that since we started swinging and now we just laugh because we can't seem to find local friends we find them all over the country. It almost scares me because there are people on here from other countries and I can't afford the airfare for that type of friendship :eek::lol:

 

Mrs Spoomonkey

 

I wasn't referring to it cheapening the Meet-Ups moreso going back to the earlier comment. That as those who really don't get the concept of this site and come here already thinking it's about hooking up (like most of the other sites), those same people will see a regular board organized meetup and assume that it's all about the sex, so seeing two couples meeting on their own, will only increase that idea for them.

 

The thing that I think is great is that in the long run, those who get it, get it (those who don't never will), but in the long run, this place is about fostering friendships. And while I'm fairly sure there are some hook-ups going on, I think that those who do meet in person from this site probably find themselves developing a much stronger sense of friendship than what you would find on a standard swinger site.

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Well there is nothing like meeting a new couple and finding them in the same profession you are in… know the same people… and work with the same companies… and he from the new couple starts naming names of all the folks they have been with in that list. We could not run fast enough because my company will fire me if I get “outted” and I like my job and my pay check. Pathological Discretion is a good thing! I wish they had practiced it

 

I love to tell folks what happens too so I have lots of buddies that live out of town that can relate the stores they have done to me… the third person always is the safest means to deliver a story, changing the names to protect the paid and employed. When I hit the lottery, we can come out but until then…

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The thing that I think is great is that in the long run, those who get it, get it (those who don't never will), but in the long run, this place is about fostering friendships. And while I'm fairly sure there are some hook-ups going on, I think that those who do meet in person from this site probably find themselves developing a much stronger sense of friendship than what you would find on a standard swinger site.

 

I think that is what we have noticed as well. Being on this board for so long, we do feel a sense of friendship and closeness with many that is often pretty surprising. Our trip to Reno was comfortable because friendship had been established for two years! How many couples spend THAT much time laying a foundation?

 

It is easy to feel an incredible kinship with many here...

 

We wouldn't hop on a plane to visit someone we just met off of SLS.

 

I think the people who will never "get it" will fail to understand that aspect of it. We always assume that this board is a lousy way to "hook up" and "Meet Ups" are pretty vanilla - except for the dancing sometimes ;) Having those assumptions is what has allowed us to make friendships. Having friendships opens many doors with likeminded people.

 

But, we'll always have people who pop on and expect to get laid "this weekend" :lol:

 

The bottom line is - the Swinger's Board isn't a place to "hook up", but it is a great place where some of our best friends are.

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I think this is a great thread and for me, came in a very timely manner. Being a single male I am "under a stronger microscope" than couples. I feel I have had a fair success in the swinging world. And, let’s be honest. People choose to play with another couple or a single for many reasons, one of them being a lack of red flags. Perception of a lack of discretion is a huge, huge, red flag and one that no single male can afford to fly.

 

I hadn't thought of this aspect, but you are right.

 

I can definitely see where as a single you would have to be much more discrete than the rest of us.

 

That would make a great thread in itself!

 

Another thing in your post that struck me was when you mentioned that a couple has each other to talk to and a single has only themselves. One of the real charges we (as a couple) get out of swinging is the increased energy we have for each other. We "relive" our experiences over and over. As a single, you have the same experiences, but none of the outlet.

 

That makes two interesting topics...

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The thing that I think is great is that in the long run, those who get it, get it (those who don't never will), but in the long run, this place is about fostering friendships. And while I'm fairly sure there are some hook-ups going on, I think that those who do meet in person from this site probably find themselves developing a much stronger sense of friendship than what you would find on a standard swinger site.

 

That is so true; we have made some great friends on the board over the last few years. I think even more so than people we have met in person. The reason for that I think is that the regular people on the board get to interact with one another on an almost daily basis. Additionally, through their posts it seems that you get a much better understanding of a persons inner personality and the way they look at things than you do with someone you only see once every week or two.

 

As far as using the board to hook up with people for sex though, I think it is an inefficient way to go about it. So much so, that I don't see how it could ever be considered a place to hook up, and that’s a good thing. A hook up sight lacks the friendship building and camaraderie of a site like this, which I think, will always make it a very separate thing.

 

One of the high points of my life was when I flew all the way across the country for the Memphis meet up. I think every one that was their had the feeling that we were more like life long friends than people who had only known each other through their posts for a couple of years. That was one thing we came away from the meet up with that was a pleasant surprise. And as far as hooking up for sex at a board meet up is concerned, who would have the time? I didn't have enough time to just visit with everybody as much as I would have liked as it was.

 

It's probably a good thing that I am not independently wealthy, because I think it wouldn't take long for my friends on the board here to get sick of seeing me. And I'm not talking about sex here, I would just like to see you. In some ways, the world is just too darned big. :)

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It's probably a good thing that I am not independently wealthy, because I think it wouldn't take long for my friends on the board here to get sick of seeing me. And I'm not talking about sex here, I would just like to see you. In some ways, the world is just too darned big. :)

 

You make a great point here GT. How many of us have our clubs and internet finds that we can have sex with short of flying half way across the country? We go to meet ups and travel great distances to see friends. Friends that are likeminded and that we can be ourselves with. Friends that through this board we have gone through good times and tough times together. Those times could be about a great playdate they had :fun: or about their adult kids walking into their club. :eek:

 

Spoo and I talked about this very thing today. We don't travel for sex....we travel for friends. Friends that we just love to hang out with and if sex occurs then you have found what I think a lot of us look for in the lifestyle.

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Interesting and thoughtful discussion. Reading it, I could see myself in several of the points made and examples given.

 

Like most, we assign a very high value to discretion, both given and received, but I can recall times when talking to other swingers in person where I've held back on telling a funny story of something that happened, a fun weekend somewhere, etc. Held back just for...reasons. ZERO chance that even if names were used anyone would know anyone, and no bedroom kiss and tell aspect at all to it. But still, discretion is so drilled into us, that it's almost like it takes away some of the fun :confused:

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