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robel12550

Why didn't they say there was no chemistry sooner?

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Hi folks,

 

We've met quite a few couples through "the lifestyle" in the past several years and have some we continue to carry on friendly relations with. But the last couple we met handled things a little weird we thought.

 

We met them at a nightclub for a "one-to-one" and our conversation progressed quite well and easily. After a couple hours, the club started getting noisy and we suggested another place to continue our conversations. They readily agreed and we had a lovely time talking at a nearby restaurant/lounge until the place closed. It was, we thought, the best first meetings we've ever had. There was much we had in common. We left it that we'd be in touch and all went home.

 

The next day we got on SLS and sent them a follow up message along with their first cert identifying to others that they're "legit". We were expecting to get together with them, as non-family time became available, for various activities in the future. They wrote back (basically), the following to us:

 

"Last night was great. We are happy we met last night and picked your brain about the lifestyle. Your insight will definitely help us.

 

As you realized from last night our family keep our weekends packed.

 

I'm sure we will see each other again. We could always catch up at an event."

 

To us, it sounded like at worse we could socialize with them. So we kept them updated on our "free time" when we'd have liked to see them again. We were hoping to invite them over to our house for dinner sometime. Three other times they responded with replies that stated they had family activities that conflicted, so we thought we'd just keep them informed of our free time.

 

Then we get the following to a subsequent message we sent about possibly attending a local club's event we saw they were signed up for on SLS:

 

"We are sorry but we didn't think there was any chemistry between us. If you guys do go we will be happy to say hi."

 

We followed that somewhat back handed message with:

 

"Your message is kind of confusing considering after we met you wrote that you had a good time with us. In any event, we'll not bother you again."

 

Since they had obtained other certs on SLS, we removed ours since they don't really "need" it (and, quite frankly, somewhat feel they've "traded up" using our initial cert). We also didn't want to possibly dissuade other couples from contacting them if they didn't like they were somehow connected to us.

 

So the big question we have is why they didn't just write initially (like others) that they had a nice "social" time, but we're not folks they'd like to screw and therefore, since they have unlimited other people they associate with outside of the bedroom, they have no use for us and are only looking for FBs? We'd have felt a lot better and less of fools wasting time trying to find time in our schedules to connect with them again. Do they really think they were trying to be "nice" about letting us down with such convoluted messages?

 

What are your thoughts?

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People are funny and you'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out others' motivations. If it were me, I'd just move on and not give a cert so readily next time if you feel that was their reasoning.

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I think you're reading into to it to much. If there were interested, I'm not sure there would be much doubt. It sounds like they're trying to be respectable and let you guys down easy. I wouldn't pressure em to much, I think doing that leads people to start ignoring folks altogether as they rather not deal with the hassle of explaining every response to you. If I were to get the message, I would know off the bat they aren't into us as much as we are into them. Also, since they are new perhaps they aren't up to speed or perhaps just more respectable to say something like "We're not interested in a screw".. Not everyone thinks that way or will say that.

 

Although new to the LS, I think it's not different than interest if you were going out to meet a date when you were single. You'll know when they're interested.

 

The fact that you have no pics on your profile and you state you don't show photo's on yourselves would make me think they had no idea what you guys looked like prior to meeting and just didn't any attraction towards you guys. Personally, we would never make plans to meet without seeing photo's, just to avoid that scenario.

 

Just keep on moving on, plenty more where they came from ;)

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"Last night was great. We are happy we met last night and picked your brain about the lifestyle. Your insight will definitely help us.

 

As you realized from last night our family keep our weekends packed.

 

I'm sure we will see each other again. We could always catch up at an event."

 

 

First of all, I'm sorry this was a weird situation for you guys. And yes, I think it was a "nice" way of saying "no thanks" without being so blunt about it. What I find coincidental is that Mr. Sun and I recently had a slight disagreement about how, "Maybe we'll see each other at a party," sounded to other couples.

 

The majority of the messages that we get on SLS, we usually respond with a "Hey, maybe we will meet each other at a party and see if there's an attraction," because our ability to go out isn't all that regular. Sometimes we can go out about twice a month and sometimes we won't be able to go out for months. And since most of the time, attraction isn't guaranteed until we meet, that's about the most non-committal way we go about it since we can't schedule most of the time and we don't want to promise that we are attracted enough to play with them.

 

However, there are times when we both know we aren't at all attracted. Recently, I happened to be the one replying to messages and asked him about a certain couple. He said, "Just tell them that maybe we'll see them at a party." I asked him if he was at all attracted and he wasn't. I then asked why we would say our usual line and he said, "It's more like, 'We will just say hi,' and that's it." I felt that responding with, "Perhaps we'll meet at a party," could give a false sense of "we are attracted and might want to play" vibe so I was upfront in our response in stating that there wasn't a 4-way attraction but wished them well.

 

In all, some people just have a hard time being blunt and desire a much more gentler way to saying "no thanks" but sometimes the gentler way can lead to misunderstanding.

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I agree with the other replies so far, so I'll just add one extra comment. You are more experienced than them, so that means you probably decide quicker if there is interest or not, and second, you are more practiced at conveying that. I can easily see a scenario here where they thought they might be interested but not being as experienced with this needed a little extra time to make that call, and then when they finally decided that they weren't interested in playing, they tried to convey that in the easiest way they could.

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I agree with much of what has been said. People are weird and it takes some time to get to know what you're looking for when you first get started.

 

I know the first people we played with there wasn't a strong attraction. We learned over time what we're looking for. So maybe initially you seemed like a good choice, but as they met more people they became self-aware, that you weren't what they were looking for. Sorry, that happened to you. I would feel hurt.

 

We use "We'll see you at a party," if we're not completely sure about playing with someone. I like it because it's non-committal. There have been people that initially I wasn't interested in, but things changed over time. Being social and not turning anyone down keeps from burning bridges in a small community. If we do want to play we are more aggressive about setting something up. If someone declines a few requests without a concrete reason (ie, busy with family...) we move on.

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When we first started we were so bad at all the critical elements of swinging -- especially communication, both with each other and with other couples. The discomfort of potentially hurting people's feelings really got in our way of doing the right thing and being straight with them.

 

A couple of times that meant we played when we really weren't terribly interested. A couple of times it meant we did a lousy job of letting people down. One couple in particular -- they were very friendly, a nice looking couple, we enjoyed meeting and having drinks with them. We were both attracted to her and I felt I should be attracted to him but I just wasn't. I kept thinking as I got to know him the attraction would build but it was the opposite, something about him just creeped me out. We let that play out longer than we should have until we just sort of skulked away hoping they wouldn't notice *eye roll* and I'm sure they found our signals very confusing and frustrating.

 

We've learned to be honest with as much kindness and grace as we can, and just tell people when we don't feel that physically chemistry. Which does happen sometimes even when we truly enjoy their company socially. Having been at this a while we have also more than a few times been on the receiving end of those confusing and unclear signals ourselves and yes it's very annoying and we wished they would find the balls to just be honest. You have to be willing to read and accept people's nonverbal cues, generally they are conveying exactly what we need to know.

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There was one couple that we met awhile ago...everything felt great. Had great conversation, talked about everything, had lots in common...they even said at the end of the evening that they were looking forward to seeing us again. Then we got the email that there just wasn't a spark (heck, we were seeing sparklers). It hurt for a few minutes but we quickly moved on. Some people just don't want to hurt others feelings, especially in person. Don't take it personally, just move on and if you do see them at an event, say hi before looking for something better.

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Swapping can be so darn complicated when you think about it. You have 4 people, and it only takes one of the four to not feel like the swap partner is for them, and it basically screws up the whole opportunity. Hey, personally, I have to be turned on by who's sitting across from me ... and it could be just about anything that could kill the deal with me ... hair, attitude, teeth, weird accent, etc etc. So I can't fault them for not desiring to go further. One day they'll probably meet a couple they want to be with and the exact same thing will happen to them. Some people just can't be open and honest for fear of confrontation or whatever. So, I wouldn't take it personal. Also, at least with my wife and me in the past, we've wanted to establish a friendship before getting down to "business", and that sometimes required more than one casual meeting. We prefer 3-somes more ... both MMFs and FFMs, although I've found in half the FFM cases, the other woman had the hots for my wife and not me, and my wife is not really into other chicks. So as they say "it is what it is" ... try to end future conversations with a friendly "take care" and just move on. Mac

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