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angelkin

Second guesses and self-doubt

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I sent some long time swing friends an email recently and when they didn't reply back within a couple days, I wondered if I had done something that had offended. I began to rack my brain for anything I could have done that would have been misconstrued. Silly me :rollseye:, they (finally! geesh) replied back in a more than reasonable amount of time - but I often find myself falling into this self-doubt thing and not just in swinging.

 

How often do we as normally confident people second-guess our actions or words? What allows that sort of feeling to creep in if we've been genuine, kind and intelligent in our interactions with others?

 

Am I the only one that has these sorts of feelings? Care to share your example?

 

While we're at it, are others bad with patience in swinging? I mean, a couple days is a very reasonable time to answer an email, why did I get all ansty about it? Is our high tech world of instant gratification (tivo, i phones, internet) sapping our ability to wait?

 

Sorry for rambling, LOL.

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Get out of my head! :)

 

I think we all have those feelings at times, even if they are fleeting. I have them sometimes in similar situations as the one you describe, as well as with interactions at a club setting. Hell, I even have them after I make some of my smart ass posts on here. ;)

 

Usually, I deal with it by stepping back and looking at it rationally and with a little reason. That works about 95% of the time. As for the other 5%, I usually just say to myself "Fuck it, it's not a big deal as far as the universe goes anyway".

 

As far as patience in general with swinging, I am still fairly patient. Of course I'm generally patient in general, so I guess that follows.

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I sent some long time swing friends an email recently and when they didn't reply back within a couple days, I wondered if I had done something that had offended. I began to rack my brain for anything I could have done that would have been misconstrued. Silly me :rollseye:, they (finally! geesh) replied back in a more than reasonable amount of time - but I often find myself falling into this self-doubt thing and not just in swinging.

 

How often do we as normally confident people second-guess our actions or words? What allows that sort of feeling to creep in if we've been genuine, kind and intelligent in our interactions with others?

 

Am I the only one that has these sorts of feelings? Care to share your example?

 

While we're at it, are others bad with patience in swinging? I mean, a couple days is a very reasonable time to answer an email, why did I get all ansty about it? Is our high tech world of instant gratification (tivo, i phones, internet) sapping our ability to wait?

 

Sorry for rambling, LOL.

 

This is totally me also! I know they read my mail, did I say something wrong? Are they no longer interested?

 

I do have a bit of a dark sense of humor and I can be pretty blunt (moreso online than in person), so I do sometimes worry people will take me the wrong way.

 

I also get impatient, right now I have a group event posted for three weeks out. Only one person has signed up. I am freaking out! (That is unusual b/c usually a fair number of people in the group rsvp right away so I think I do have reason to freak!). It is hard to be patient when you can see who has read mail, who is online, etc. Of course I need to keep in mind, couples plan together and most people don't plan too far ahead.

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I have this theory that everyone has a crap loop, something that operates at a constant low hum and is full of every negative thought you've ever had, every less than pleasant thing anyone has ever said, every misheard or misunderstood comment that puts you in a bad light. I'm not talking about your monkey mind, the thing that jitters around like a flea on crack, especially when you try to empty your head of thoughts, but something far nastier and harder to overcome. In moments of less than perfect security, the volume on the crap loop turns up and a little bit of crazy happens. That's my theory, anyway. ;)

 

I'm really patient, partly because I'm lazy, but mostly because I'm really absent minded and once I've sent out a mail or whatever, I forget about it.

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Sending an email to a sexual partner, or prospective partner, is so much more personal and revealing of yourself than any other sort of communication. I think we all hesitate before hitting the 'send' button and then worry a little about what you wrote after you send it. I believe it's for that reason that you are nervous until you get their response.

 

And, it's probably those same reasons that the response is delayed at times. The person wants, and needs, to contemplate what the email said and consider a response.

 

There's something wonderful about the complete open honesty involved between swingers. But there's also a degree of vulnerability too.

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I get like this as well. Some of mine is habit from what I do daily. I work on the net so I literally read and write for hours a day. In between work, I am chatting and checking personal boards and mail. My mindset is to process what I read quickly and formulate response. I communicate like this all day but I forget that others don't. Even if they read a mail that I send, they may want to think about it, get together on it and then carefully write a reply.

 

So I take a breath and remind myself that it's probably OK.

 

The Rose

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Interesting to see how common the 'second guessing' is in the LS. Those of a certain age (read: "old like us") remember rushing to the (physical) mailbox to see if there was a response to a love letter, and staring at the (rotary) phone waiting for it to ring when we were youngsters in the dating game. When the mail didn't appear and the phone didn't ring, the self-doubt surfaced. The only difference was the time-scale before the wondering started.

 

We--and we imagine others who have added to this thread--put a fair bit of thought and edits into notes before we hit "send", especially in the first contact/first impression note. We look forward to receiving notes that also reflect care in their writing. For this reason, we neither anticipate nor promise an instant response. Our correspondents in the LS world seem to be okay with this approach.

 

Still, when logging into SLS our initial glance is at the upper left corner of the screen: the birdie makes for a smile.

 

(P.S. Feel free to send us a note!)

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I think the excitement and anticipation, the fantasy of what might happen, makes it hard to wait. I want it and I want it NOW! :lol: Some people are busy and don't check their messages often. They may not be interested and don't know how to say it without offending you. I've had the same feelings when I thought I had found the perfect guy for my wife but for whatever reason things just abruptly stopped. I'm guessing that sometimes people push their fantasies to the edge but when it comes time for reality they cant take the next step. I've learned not to take it personally. It's that one time that things finally happen that makes the effort worth it.

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I get that feeling a lot of second guessing myself after sending off a e-mail

expecting a quick response and not getting one.It's called lack of patients

I'am terrible with this so I can no your pain.

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I realized that no matter what I do, there is this self-doubt element in most aspects of my life. I need to just learn to ignore that niggling voice in my head!

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I'm the same way :( I hate it. Going through it now. We met an awesome couple at the last social and thought things had really hit off. I messaged them after with our #'s (as promised) and got no response. They were brand new (at least she was) so I'm almost hoping their lack of response is related to her newness (and possibly her own second guessing) and less to them changing their mind about interest in us. We got the impression they were ready to go that night, but the combination of her brand-newness and my not feeling 100% great made us opt out of playing that night. After 0 response in over a week I went ahead and messaged them a second time (just in case the first got lost in the SLS black hole), and still no response. Guess we lost our chance on that one.

 

I think that's one thing I'm hating about socials... it's difficult to play AT the social (or at the connected hotel, rather) and often if you pass on a chance that night, you don't get a second one. So now we are left with nothing but second guesses & self -doubt. Maybe it was them... but maybe it was us :(

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UGH, this aspect of the lifestyle has been KILLING a lot of the fun for us!

 

We've met a TON of people in the past year... a TON! At dinner / drinks / clubs we keep hearing them say, "Wow, you two are so cool, easy-going, fun, normal, down-to-earth, sexy, awesome!" We will often hang and chat with these other couples for hours... sometimes until the weee hours of the morning. We go away thinking "How wonderful! We have two cool new BFF's with benefits in the lifestyle!!

 

... crickets ...

... crickets ...

... crickets ...

 

What happened!?!? They don't return our SLS / LL / Kasidie messages or our texts!

 

Then the second guessing sets in, "What did we say wrong?!" "Did we misinterpret their feelings and comments?!" "Were they just being polite and really didn't like us like we thought they did!?!?"

 

We just can't fathom how people go from seemingly so interested to ZERO! Sure we can write off some of them as having relationship problems and getting out of the lifestyle, but what about the ones that you see CONSTANTLY logged into the lifestyle sites, they've read your emails, but still... NOTHING?

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UGH, this aspect of the lifestyle has been KILLING a lot of the fun for us!

 

We've met a TON of people in the past year... a TON! At dinner / drinks / clubs we keep hearing them say, "Wow, you two are so cool, easy-going, fun, normal, down-to-earth, sexy, awesome!" We will often hang and chat with these other couples for hours... sometimes until the weee hours of the morning. We go away thinking "How wonderful! We have two cool new BFF's with benefits in the lifestyle!!

 

... crickets ...

... crickets ...

... crickets ...

 

What happened!?!? They don't return our SLS / LL / Kasidie messages or our texts!

 

Then the second guessing sets in, "What did we say wrong?!" "Did we misinterpret their feelings and comments?!" "Were they just being polite and really didn't like us like we thought they did!?!?"

 

We just can't fathom how people go from seemingly so interested to ZERO! Sure we can write off some of them as having relationship problems and getting out of the lifestyle, but what about the ones that you see CONSTANTLY logged into the lifestyle sites, they've read your emails, but still... NOTHING?

 

We get this too, but more often than not it works out with patience.

 

One thing I would suggest is emailing them with a specific date and plan in mind.

 

Another thought, as I reread your post. When you are chatting until the wee hours, are you assessing chemistry by kissing, dirty-dancing, touching, talking dirty? Sometimes people are cool and fun, but there isn't chemistry. If you are with people a few hours and it's going to work sexually, things should be getting steamy. That's just my opinion, and how it works for us. We never meet people and think BFF, we think hot sex.

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Self doubt, our constant companion--it's a human thing, I think. And when we put ourselves out there with the potential for rejection I think it's even more likely for those of us more prone to it (like me) There's also the antici . . . pation of it all. Sometimes the best we can do is look at ourselves in the mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, other people want to fuck me."

 

Keep that chin up!

 

=)

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I have this theory that everyone has a crap loop, something that operates at a constant low hum and is full of every negative thought you've ever had, every less than pleasant thing anyone has ever said, every misheard or misunderstood comment that puts you in a bad light. I'm not talking about your monkey mind, the thing that jitters around like a flea on crack, especially when you try to empty your head of thoughts, but something far nastier and harder to overcome. In moments of less than perfect security, the volume on the crap loop turns up and a little bit of crazy happens. That's my theory, anyway. ;)

 

I'm really patient, partly because I'm lazy, but mostly because I'm really absent minded and once I've sent out a mail or whatever, I forget about it.

I absolutely LOVE that. "Crap loop"! I'm using that one and will take the credit too. Sorry...lol

We also have a hard time when people don't respond, in what we consider, a reasonable time frame. We also answer very promptly so we just don't get it. I have a theory that in a lot of cases the gentleman in the couple is the one who is using the website or checking the swinging email and needs to work up his courage to tell his wife that someone actually wants to meet them. But, I think my crap loop is very loud lately...

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I absolutely LOVE that. "Crap loop"! I'm using that one and will take the credit too. Sorry...lol

We also have a hard time when people don't respond, in what we consider, a reasonable time frame. We also answer very promptly so we just don't get it. I have a theory that in a lot of cases the gentleman in the couple is the one who is using the website or checking the swinging email and needs to work up his courage to tell his wife that someone actually wants to meet them. But, I think my crap loop is very loud lately...

 

You can take credit if you want. ;)

 

In our case, I'm the one reading the emails. I then ask M. what he thinks and...it's either crickets or he starts talking about something else entirely and I forget. So, honestly, although we'd happily have sex with compatible couples, I'm sure we've caused a raise in volume for a crap loop or two.

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Another thought, as I reread your post. When you are chatting until the wee hours, are you assessing chemistry by kissing, dirty-dancing, touching, talking dirty? Sometimes people are cool and fun, but there isn't chemistry. If you are with people a few hours and it's going to work sexually, things should be getting steamy. That's just my opinion, and how it works for us. We never meet people and think BFF, we think hot sex.

 

Hmmm... interesting thought! We had just finished having sex with them before having the super long conversation, so we assumed that was part of the reason things didn't progress to sex. With that said, maybe the sex wasn't great for them but the discussion was and they just aren't interested in getting together just for non-sex fun.

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