Making a Choice

Hello, I'm glad I found this website. My husband and I have been married 20 years and about 5 years ago he came to me asking for sexual exploration. I am now at a crossroads because since then we've gone to sex therapy and realized that we are definitely not comparable in this area. We both agree that our sex life is great. He is amazing and wants this to be a shared experience. He says he has no desire to do any exploration by himself so swinging is on top of his list. The problem is that I have no desire to sleep with another man, the thought alone makes me feel sick to the stomach. We went to a swingers club one time and I had to get drunk just to have sex in a room where another couple can watch. We have several friends who are couples that do swing and my husband knows this and has even suggested that we play with them. I love my husband with all my heart and would hate to see my marriage end because of this situation. I don't have any problems with a swingers lifestyle - it's just not the thing for me. I think in the long run my husband is going to ask me to make a choice. The whole thing is just really sad. - Any thoughts?

Explore the antecedents. Make a choice about whether you love sex or sex with a particular person. If you love sex, it doesn't matter who you have it with. If you love sex with a particular person, then you love the person and sex is just a tool to keep that person interested in you.

I see that you have recently become a member so let me say WELCOME to Swingersboard.

Your married relationship seems not at all in the right place for either of you to consider swing. And you should do your swinger friends the favor of not getting them tangled in any attempt you might make. My thoughts? I’ve typed a couple of them but I will add one: seek a good marriage counselor. You have either expressed your feelings inadequately or your husband is not listening.

I'm interested as to why you would come on a swinger's board looking for thoughts or advice when it's something you are not interested in in any way.

Are you trying to understand what it is that your husband is looking for?

Hello, I'm glad I found this website....

I gather from all this that you are very new to the concept of Swinging. When first approached, the "Lifestyle" (LS) is an idea that is often misunderstood, so learning more about it, the qualities of it that truly make it work, may help you. However... Many (even most) folks are not "wired" for this Lifestyle. So if you choose to not participate, even after getting well informed, then you will be in the majority of the population. (So nothing to feel ashamed about there.)

... The problem is that I have no desire to sleep with another man, the thought alone makes me feel sick to the stomach. We went to a swingers club one time and I had to get drunk just to have sex in a room where another couple can watch....

Ouch! This confirms that you are for sure not ready to venture into the LS. Not now anyway. The suggestion made above to NOT get your friends involved is a good one.

Even if you did decide you wanted to give the LS a try, if you ever at any time felt pressured to do something you do not want to do, then you are with the wrong people.

... I love my husband with all my heart and would hate to see my marriage end because of this situation. I don't have any problems with a swingers lifestyle - it's just not the thing for me....

This bit definitely gives me the feeling that you are not "wired" for this, and may never be. .... I applaud your open minded approach though. You do have some sense of acceptance about all this, and that is a good quality to have.

... I think in the long run my husband is going to ask me to make a choice. The whole thing is just really sad. - Any thoughts?

I am sure that all would agree that you are currently facing a very painful choice. I too would urge you (both) to get some additional counseling, either together, or on your own (or both).

I also question how well your husband is listening.

If your husband gives you an ultimatum, Swing or Divorce, my bet is that he will soon come to regret that decision. The reality of participating in the LS is seldom as fruitful as the fantasy. IMHO: For many the LS is a transitional phase, that soon grows old. There are very few people that have what it takes to make it a lifetime endeavor.

I hope that you will find Peace with this... for both you and your husband.

If this is something that really makes you unhappy, then don't do it. If he loves you, he'll understand, if not, then you had nothing to lose.

And, coming to this site was smart on your part. Understanding always helps. Good luck to you and good luck in your marriage. It almost seems like this is your only, real, incompatibility. I'm guessing that with a wife like you, he'll realize that you're worth more than his fantasies.

Could it be that you are associating sex with kive

I'm interested as to why you would come on a swinger's board looking for thoughts or advice when it's something you are not interested in in any way.

Are you trying to understand what it is that your husband is looking for?

You answered my question in another post you made. You are trying to understand why your husband is interested in this lifestyle. I can't answer for him specifically but I can tell you my reasons.

I've related this several times on the board.

I was married for many years but it was unfulfilling. I won't go into all the problems we had but I'll tell you I knew I wanted more. More sex more variety. Bringing it up was a disaster. It made her feel inadequate. She was very insecure and couldn't understand and I wasn't able to express my desires any better because I didn't totally understand them.

After my divorce I played as a single male some. I saw the incredible relationships that couples who are in this lifestyle had. The openness, communication, honesty, not just with each other but within the community. The relationship they each seemed to have with each other though was what I came to realize I was wanting. They could talk about what they wanted without guilt or fear of being judged. They could share their sex with others yet maintain and strengthen the bond that was already strong. Strong enough to accomplish this. They loved each other so much that they only wanted to see joy and happiness for each other even or more especially if that came from allowing them to explore their sexuality in an otherwise committed and emotionally monogamous relationship. I didn't learn what I wanted until my marriage was over, I wasn't able to experience it until then so that I could understand. Had I been able to communicate that in this way to my then wife it may or may not have made a difference. I don't think so because she was so insecure to begin with.

After a couple of short term relationships I found someone who had an interest in the lifestyle. We have that relationship. We do this as a hobby more than a lifestyle. It's not every week or even every month. We both acknowledge we like variety. We aren't insecure about it so neither of us feels that there is anything inadequate about ourselves or each other. We just like variety. I like steak, my wife is Filet Mignon to me. I don't want steak every night of my life from here on out. I like Italian and Mexican and sometimes breakfast for dinner. For me to expect her to be all those things to me and satisfy my every craving is unrealistic and unfair to her.

On a shallower level, as I described in another thread, I like knowing my wife is desired by other guys. They find her sexy and desirable. She likes it too. She likes the flirting and the chase and she likes the attention of other men. That doesn't make me jealous, it validates that she is hot. The reclamation sex we have after swapping or a threesome is incredible. It's showing whoever we've been with, "yeah, you got to have a part of this but you'll never have what we have."

Compersion is finding joy and happiness in someone else's joy and happiness. It's the opposite of jealousy. Swinging as a lifestyle or a hobby isn't for everyone. Some people aren't wired that way and that's fine. Swinging isn't easy either. It takes communication at a very bare and raw level. It can be uncomfortable at first but if you get over the hump of the discomfort you can talk about anything. 1/2 the marriages end in divorce in the US. It's probably similar within the subset of successful swingers but it's most likely not to do with anything sexual. Swinging won't fix anything, it will only put problems under a microscope.

I'm not trying to convince you one way or the other. You seemed to be asking why he wanted to explore this lifestyle. I've given you my experience and my reasons. Others have their own. If you explore the site enough you will probably have even more questions. Please, ask away. It's obvious you love your husband or you wouldn't be here. I encourage you to build on that in whatever way makes you comfortable.