Feelings?

My wife (13 years) and I have discussed many fantasies. She is very shy and I tend to be very open. She has a hard time describing her fantasies, mainly because of how shy she is and raised to believe it's is wrong to fantacize. She knows how bad I want to try new things, and she says she wants to as well but she's nervous. She has mentioned many wonderful fantasies but doesnt know if she has the courage to carry them out. We have discussed involving another guy,which was my idea and the idea very much turns us both on. For me, I would do it tonight however, she is still very unsure. She mentioned to me one of her concerns. For her, sex is very emotional and she is worried that if we brought in another guy she may develop feelings. For most women in this lifestyle, is it natural to develop feelings as long as they are controlled, or is it supposed to be just fun sex, where feelings would be a problem?

I believe feelings are natural and the commitment to a relationship is a choice. Am I Wrong to believe that people can have feelings for other people without disturbing the marriage?

Yes it is possible for your partner to grow feelings for someone else.

However there are also ways to help stop that from happening / ways to drastically reduce that risk.

The first question in my mind is simply "How do we grow deep feelings for someone?"

I mean does your average women have sex with a man and then instantly decide they are in love with him? NO

When we start a brand new relationship do we simply have sex a few times and then decide is true love that is going to last forever? NO

Do women generally pick their boyfriend or husband purely based on his dick size or sexual abilities? NO

Generally in my experience I have found that "Feelings" begin to grow when we get to know the person / when we talk with the person / when we spend time alone with the person / when we flirt and share messages with the person / when we see the person a lot / when you have time to relax with the person / tell jokes with the person / share secrets or deep meaningful conversations with the person.

Lets says for an example that you were a single man, that you went out partying one night and met a new women, after a brief half drunken chat you end up at her place fucking her all over her bedroom, the sex is really nice, her body is really nice, her pussy is both clean and tight, she is good in bed, she is very attractive, and then about 30 seconds after you cum she jumps on top of you and says.....

"I love you, I now have really deep feelings for you"

Then what you would think? That actually you only met this women a few hours ago, you have just had sex together for the first time and 30 seconds later she is saying she has feelings for you.

Well in 99% of cases life doesn't work like that, instead you would meet that girl, you perhaps would sleep with that girl, then after you would head home, you would message her asking to see her again, asking to take her on a proper date, then if she replied you would arrange to meet her for a coffee or drinks, during that time you would both be on your best behaviour, you would be in "Dating Mode" and trying your best to shine a good light on your life and personality.

You would then leave for the evening and hopefully if the date when well this women would message you back which is usually followed by a few text messages been exchanged, from there you would perhaps arrange to meet again, a second proper date during which you would probably be more talkative, probably chat with this women for longer, start uncovering things you have in common, probably make her laugh a little, you would share stories about your past, present, and hopes for the future, you would be more relaxed and begin getting to know this new person in your life, and sure if allowed you would take her home and spend half the night fucking her all over the bedroom.

Probably for the next few weeks you would message each other a lot / share emails / chat on online / make further requests to meet up for dates, from that point it can take a number of weeks or even months before you became "Boyfriend & Girlfriend" and a bit longer for any real feelings to grow.

WHAT IS MY POINT?

My point is that "Feelings" generally begin to grow when we spend "Time Alone" with someone, when we spend hours talking to them, when we spend entire days laying in bed with them alone, when we are messaging them on a daily basis, when we can freely send them emails, text messages, or talk on line.

In that case my questions would be.....

If you and your wife fucked another man, then would this other man actually be spending a lot of time with your wife alone?

If you and your wife fucked another man, then would this man be messaging your wife everyday?

If you and your wife fucked another man, then would this other man be taking your wife out on dates every week?

If you and your wife fucked another man, then would this other man even have your wife's email address or chat program details?

My honest guess is this man would NOT be spending time alone with your wife, would NOT be spending all day laying in bed alone with her, would NOT be messaging your wife everyday or even have her phone number, would NOT have her email address or chat program details, so it would be a lot more difficult for feelings to grow between them.

Perhaps a better way of putting this would be.....

"If you keep this man away from your wife, if you make sure your wife can not meet this man alone, if you make sure your wife doesn't swap phone numbers with this man, make sure your wife doesn't give out her email address / work details / chat program details / that she doesn't spend time alone with this man, doesn't get to chat with this man whenever she wants"

Then sure that will drastically reduce the chance of any feelings growing between them.

Another way to look at this would be....

Sure I love having MMF threesomes, I really enjoy seeing another man sticking his big clean cock up my wife, but does that mean this man needs to meet my wife alone? NO IT DOESN'T.

Yes I proper enjoy seeing my wife riding a different mans dick, love to watch them enjoying that new sex together, but does that mean this man needs my wife's phone number? NO IT DOESN'T.

Sure thing I will happily spend hours giving my wife two hard dicks at the same time, but does that mean this other guy can take my wife out alone on dates? NO IT DOESN'T.

If for whatever reason my wife began to grow feelings for this man then can the friendship end with that man? YES IT CAN.

I mean please don't get me wrong I am NOT SAYING don't have fun, I mean sure you and your wife can meet this new man together / you can all have drinks together / you can all meet up and talk together / you can all have a laugh together / you can all fuck each other. In fact all I'm saying is a "Professional Distance" or even a "Secure Barrier" between this other man and your wife should be put in place.

HOW CAN YOU PROTECT YOUR WIFE AND STOP FEELINGS GROWING?

1: PHONE NUMBER: The first thing is simply to make sure this man does NOT give his phone number to your wife, and that your wife does NOT give this man her phone number, that they do not swap or share phone numbers with each other. In my experience a lot of issues begin when you let another man take your wife's phone number, in a good percent of cases if you have a threesome with a man and then give that man your wife's personal phone number then he will message her within a few days asking her to meet him alone for sex, asking her to cut out the tricky threesome part and just meet him alone.

Failing that this guy will probably spend everyday for the next 3 or 4 weeks flirting with your wife via text message, that some new guys will send your wife 20 / 30 / 40 / even 50 text messages per day, that by giving this man your wife's phone number you are allowing them to have a full on private conversation without you even been in the loop. In a lot of cases if a man has your wife's phone number then he will use that time to impress your wife / make your wife laugh / make your wife horny / he will flirt with your wife / he will make himself sound like the better more exciting lover / he will ask your wife out on private dates without you / he will find out even more personal information about your wife, and really all of this is the danger zone, that is how affairs begin, how feelings begin to grow.

I have an understanding with my girlfriend that if we do meet another man then for safety reasons, for the security of our home, lives, and relaitonship together that my girlfriend DOES NOT have this other mans number, or give out her number. That I (the man) do all of the communication with this other guy. That if were going to meet this other guy, then its me who arranges that meeting. That if we need to message this other guy, then its me who messages him. This helps create a professional distance between this new guy and my wife, that if they can not message each other everyday then its going to be much harder for them to arrange any private dates without me, much harder for them to start growing feelings or starting some flirty emotional affair.

Remember that to start with your looking for a FUCK BUDDY your not looking for a man to become your wife's new best friend, your simply looking for a nice clean guy who you can spend an enjoyable evening with and have some sex with, your not looking for a new best friend who needs to know every detail about your lives. In reality this guy doesn't even need your wife's phone number.

2: EMAIL / ON LINE: Really this is exactly the same as above, that actually you can have a threesome with another man, but that doesn't mean that man needs your wife's personal email address / chat program details / Face Book name / Twitter address and so on. I make sure that my girlfriend doesn't share such details with a man, and doesn't take his details either which again creates a security barrier to stop any private flirting or dates from happening.

3: WORK: Generally you will have to remind your wife about this on 4 or 5 different occasions, but basically I strongly advise that you DO NOT tell another man anything at all about where your wife works. For example if your wife works in the local super market then simply tell this new man that your wife works in retail. Don't tell him which shop, don't tell him where this shop is located. If your wife works for the police then simply tell this man your wife works in the government sector, do not tell him where she works or about her job role.

If you tell a man where your wife works then there is a chance this man will turn up at your wife's workplace hoping to chat with her alone, hoping to arrange sexual meetings alone, in some very very extreme cases if you tell this man where your wife works he might stalk her / follow her / spy on her / or even jump out on her and attempt to rape her. If your wife wear any work uniforms / work I'D badges / paper work connected with her job / anything from a hat to a bag that bears her work logo then make sure this man doesn't see such things, where your wife works should be a closely guarded secret.

4: WORKING PATTERNS: Another good bit of advice is to NEVER let another man know your working patterns, or your wife's working patterns. This man does NOT need to know that your wife leaves for work everyday at 8am, he does not need to know your wife arrives home from work everyday at 16:30, he does not need to know that YOU the husband has every Monday and Tuesday off work.

This man does NOT NEED TO KNOW:

- When you leave for work

- When you return from work

- What days you have off work

- What your working rota is like

- What days you go shopping

- How you get to work

- How you get back from work

- What days you have visitors

- What days you enjoy your hobbies

- What days your on holiday

- What days you go on business trips

- What time you go to bed at night

- What time you wake up in the morning

- What days your baby sitter is busy

- What restaurants you usually eat at

- What bars or clubs you usually attend

- ECT, ECT, ECT.

In some cases if you let a man know about your working patterns as a couple then they will use that information to build a picture in their minds, they will begin to ask themselves questions such as:

What time is the wife alone in the house? If the husband leaves for work everyday at 9am then that means after 9am the wife is in the house all alone? If the husband plays golf every Thursday night then that means his wife is left alone? If they shop at the supermarket on West Street then if I began to shop there as well then it wouldn't be long before I ran into his wife alone? If they usually eat at this certain restaurant then maybe I'll see his wife there one day? Hhhmmm they told me they always go to a certain bar, maybe I will start going there as well, maybe I can see his wife alone?

This is totally true but in some criminal cases a person has made small talk with someone, that they have told someone "I can't wait until next week, I fly to Greece for two weeks on Monday" and then the following week that person goes to their home a breaks in to rob the place blind. In some criminal cases a man has made small talk with someone, he has told someone that he works Monday to Friday from about 10am until 18:00 in the evening, and then a week later the person they told breaks into his house whilst he is at work and rapes his wife.

The police say themselves that a lot of burglar's or home invaders will watch your home for several days, they will figure out when you leave for work, they will figure out when time you return from work, they will figure out what car you drive to work, they will figure out how many people are in your house, they will figure out what time the postman comes, they will figure out what time you walk the dog, what time you do the school run with your children, and then they will use all of this information to figure out the best time to break into your home.

If a man asks you what hours do you work? Simply say "Oh it changes all the time, sometimes I work mornings, sometimes I work afternoons, sometimes I work evenings, sometimes I work nights, it changes day to day, sometimes I get to work and am not needed that day so they send me straight home"

If a man asks how you get to work / what car you drive? The say "Well it really depends, sometimes I drive to work, sometimes I catch the bus to work, sometimes I walk or jog to work, sometimes I get a lift from my work mate, sometimes my family give me a lift into work, really it all depends on the day or time"

5: INVITE ONLY: If you meet a new man and after getting to know him a little you decide to invite him to your home for some sexual fun then make sure he knows that he is ONLY to come to your home if you have invited him first. If you invite another man into your home then in some rare cases that man will come knocking on your door without been invited, that he will knock on your door when he thinks your wife is in the house alone, that really he is looking for sex and thinks banging on your door without even a warning or invitation will get him some sex, they will often use excuses such as....

"I was just in the area so thought I'd pop by and say hello"

"Last time you invited me around I think I forgot my hat / think I forgot my phone charger / think I left my wallet so I was just popping by to collect it"

Really this guy would be much better simply saying....

"Hey look my dick was feeling tingly and I enjoy banging your wife and thought she could be in the house alone, so really my plan was to knock on your door without been invited and without even giving you a warning and was kind of hoping your wife would answer the door and that she would let me in your house where I would spend the next 2 hours trying to convince her to fuck me alone. I didn't really forget my hat, I didn't really lose my wallet in your house, all of that was really just an excuse to knock on your door and see if your wife fancies my cock today"

From word go let this man know that you DO NOT WANT any uninvited guests / uninvited knocks on the door / and that if for whatever reason he thinks he has left or even lost something in your house that he should message you and that you will search the house and let him know. One thing I always say to a new man is.....

"Hey this is a bit of a strange subject but just so you know we really can not have any uninvited guests, you see one of my brothers and my uncle are both in the police force and they often visit our home with their families, they generally pop by 2 or 3 times a week and been police officers they get really suspicious if people they don't know are here or knock on the door. There has been various occasions where my friends have been here and my brother or uncle have ended up interrogating them and asking them loads of questions such as who they are / what their names are / why they are here / where they work and so on. It really would be best if you only came round if we have invited you, please don't knock on our door without been invited"

This helps to stop the guy knocking on our door without been invited first, it makes them think our family has "Police Back Up" that one phone call from us and my big brother and my uncle will come crashing through the door with half the police force behind them. If you tell a man what hours you work and do not explain that you don't want uninvited guests at your door then within a few weeks he will probably be knocking on your door and asking your wife for sex whilst you are at work.

Usually when I meet a new man I send him a message on line letting him know one of our core rules as a couple is that we do NOT WANT uninvited guests, that we do not want him knocking on our door under any circumstances unless he has been invited by me first. I let him know that my police brother and police uncle often visit, I let him know that my parents and my girlfriends parents are here a lot, I let him know our other friends often come round, I let him know our neighbours are really nosy and always see who is coming and going. THEN after sending him a message we will meet the guy and then I tell him the exact same rule to his face, this way he has been warned in writing and in person and can not say we didn't tell him about that rule, he has been told twice.

6: POLICE: I began doing this many years ago after an incident that happened with my ex girlfriend, however do NOT be scared to tell a man that....

"I'm not been rude, I'm not threatening you or anything like that, but please be aware that if we receive any trouble from you whatsoever, if you harass me, my wife, our home then we will not hesitate for even second on calling the police. What we are doing "Swinging / Group Sex" is not illegal and we are not scared to discuss that with police if this became out of hand. Forgive us if that sounds harsh but we do have our lives to protect / relationship to protect / home to protect / and are not here for our lives or relationship to be damaged. If for whatever reason me or my partner are put in danger / harassed / stalked / followed / asked for affairs then we will not hesitate to contact the police who will issue harassment warnings, if they are not obeyed then they will arrest the person and we will have injunctions put against them and are happy to act as witnesses in court and as we know several police officers the police will be on our side"

The above perhaps sounds really harsh but it is an effective way of scaring off predator styled men who are simply looking to steal your wife / stalk your wife / start affairs with your wife. If this man was to cause you trouble and the police got involved then it may cause his life serious difficulties, it may cause his job or chances of future employment difficulties, it may blacken his name to friends and family, it may see him labelled as some sexual predator, and the promise of police action will stay in the back of his mind and perhaps scare him away from trying anything against you as a couple.

7: WATCH FOR LIARS & CHEATERS: If your worried that your wife may begin to grow feelings for another man, worried that another man may try and start an affair with your wife, may try to steal your wife away, then its a good policy to identify the type of people who are okay with lying and cheating. Generally in life there are people who obey the rules, and people who break the rules, for example....

If a man is willing to cheat on his own wife, then what makes you think he wont lie to you and break your rules as well?

If a man openly admits that he is a cheater, a sexual player who is happy to sleep with anyone, then what makes you think he won't try and get your wife to cheat?

If a man is willing to lie to people / have affairs / cheat on people, then such a person won't pay much attention to your rules, he will also be happy to lie to you, also happy to cheat on you. For example if you ask a man why his last few relationships ended and he replies because he keeps getting caught cheating then you already know he looks to break the rules.

HEALTHY BUT HONEST FEAR:

Another good tactic to stop your partner from growing feelings for someone is to use simple honesty mixed with fear, to simply be honest with your partner about the situation, for example you can say things like:

"Yes darling we can meet a nice clean guy and have sexual fun together, it can work, it could be great fun, we can do it safely, BUT please remember babes that some guys might try and steal you away, some guys might try and break up our relationship, some guys might ask you to cheat / run away / leave me. BUT lets be honest how many relationships that start by cheating actually last? Most relationships that start by lying / cheating / affairs end up crashing and burning within a few months. That sure this guy might say he loves you, he might say he wants you to run away with him, to meet him alone for sex, but actually 90% of the time what he is really saying is that he wants to bang you alone for a bit, that such relationships very rarely last, that people run away with such men, they give up their homes, give up their partners, give up their lives and then within a few months the new man turns out to be a total idiot and the relationship ends anyway"

"Yes darling we can have fun with another guy, we can meet him, have drinks, have social nights, even have sex together, HOWEVER I please ask you that you do not give him your email / phone number / face book name / chat program details ECT, and that you don't take his details. I'm not been paranoid, I'm not trying to control you, but lets be honest if you share such details with him then chances are the man will ask you to cheat, he could potentially try and damage our relationship. Yes we can meet him and have lovely nights, we can chat with him, can share drinks or food, can try sexy stuff together but it would be a lot safer if this man didn't have your contact details, and you didn't have is. That would help create a safe distance and stop feelings from growing"

"Yes babes we can meet a man for sexy fun, but just remember darling if this man asks you to cheat, if this man asks you to leave me, if this man tries to break any of our rules, then you already know if you ran away with such a man, a man who is willing to lie, a man who is willing to break us up, a man who is willing to destroy relationships, then what on earth makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you six months later? A man who is willing to do that to us would only do the same to you if you ran away with him"

"Hey baby I am perfectly happy to explore with another guy but please, please, please remember that if this man comes to our home without been invited, if he turns up asking you for sex then its those type of people who end up been pushy stalkers, those types of guys who end up raping women. I'm happy to do this, I'd like to do this, but its vital that we pick a guy who keeps our rules, that if a guy comes calling you are NOT to unlock the door to him, you are not to let him in the house because for all we know he could hit you around the head with a hammer and rape you. Yes we can do this, yes we can make this safe, but I always need to be there if were playing with anyone"

"Yes baby I'm sure we can meet a really nice guy who is clean and decent, BUT please remember babes a lot of guys will TELL YOU ANYTHING to try and get you to have an affair, a lot of guys will tell a women anything, they will tell her they love her, they will promise her the sun moon and the stars, they will try and impress her, will try and push boundaries, will try and break our rules, and really all they want is to bang a women on their own for a bit. Sure a lot of guys will tell a women they love her when really all they want is to fuck her for a few weeks. Remember babes if a man tries to ask you to meet him alone / have sex alone / meet to chat with him alone / if he offers you his number / asks for your number then really his intentions won't be good, if he is willing to break the rules he will be willing to break peoples hearts as well"

"Remember babes that some men who are into swinging want to steal a swingers wife, the man thinks if he steals a wife who is willing to swing then she will let him fuck lots and lots of other women. Sure a man might say he love say he loves you but in the back of his mind he is simply thinking if I steal her away, if I can date her, then I will convince her to let me have lots and lots of other girlfriends as well. She is happy to fuck me and her husband, so all I need to do is convince her to date me then I'll be allowed lots of other women as well, she won't mind me cheating like my other ex girlfriends did. That they will assume if your happy to explore with two men that your okay sleeping with plenty of women as well and will try and steal you just to get that"

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying scare your wife to death, I'm not saying scare your wife away from this subject, but simply reminding her that a lot of guys might not have the most honest intentions, that some guys mighty try and break the rules and that such things only lead into damage / upset / pain / drama / distress. That really a lot of guys would try and break up your relationship just to get in her knickers, break up your relationship just to fuck you a few times alone.

That sure you CAN DO THIS / IT CAN WORK but if that guy tried to break the rules then 99% of the time such things lead off into the women been used / lied to / messed around / heart broken, that IF a man does try and break the rules or steal you away that such relationship crash and burn within months, that sure if the safety precautions are met, if the rules are kept this could be great, however if the rules are broken on anyone's side then there is a huge chance it will only lead off into disaster for her.

Really you are not lying at all, you are simply offering her some honest facts. I mean sure some guys might ask your wife to cheat, some guys might say anything to your wife simply to try and get sex with her alone, however if your wife also has a small amount of honest fear about that subject then sure it will help stop her growing feelings.

In a lot of cases if you met a man by swinging / threesomes and he tried to steal your wife then what is that man really wanting? In many cases he won't be wanting true love, he won't be wanting a family, he won't be wanting romance, basically he will be wanting a swinger wife who lets him bang other women. That such men probably don't love your wife, they love the fact she says yes to swinging. The actually reminding your wife that guys who ask her to cheat, guys who try and get her to have affairs, guys who promise the world in the hope of getting sex with her probably don't have very good intentions at all.

OVERALL:

If the man in question has your rules clearly explained to him on several occasions, and also has a little fear about trying anything against you or your wife.

If your wife understands the reason for your rules, and also has a little healthy fear about been sucked in by such a man.

Plus if you keep a safe distance between this man and your wife, for example he doesn't meet her alone / doesn't have her number / doesn't have her email / doesn't know where she works, ECT.

Then sure you can discourage feelings from growing.

Thank you so much for your amazing response! You have so many great points and great advice. I knew I came to the right place to ask my question. I hope many people read this thread and gain as well!

.. I believe feelings are natural and the commitment to a relationship is a choice. Am I Wrong to believe that people can have feelings for other people without disturbing the marriage?

There's nothing wrong with having feelings and caring about someone you're having sex with. Plus, it will enhance, not diminish, the feeling that she has for you as well.

After many years of talking my wife into trying it she finally agreed. Our first time couldn't have been more perfect.

She fell in love with him. It was as if she had two husbands. Great sex can cause great emotions. At least it was that way for her. I didn't mind. I was happy that she was enjoying it. It was my fantasy come true!

I like my playmates. I love my wife. I believe my wife feels the same. If your spouse loves a playmate under modern lifestyle theory, Houston, you have a problem. I think that you are in polyamory territory. While that is fine, it is a different pursuit.

Tend to agree with njbm above. If you're into polyamory, that's cool, but casual sex is something else. Yes, all sex is emotional, but if you form an emotional dependence/bond with the other person, you're drifting into a different dynamic. If those boundaries are unclear, that's something to talk about before it becomes a challenge, not after.

In our case, if anything, the bond between the two wives has been more important than any bonds from sex. They've known each other for thirty+ years and that did a lot to keep our first experiences running smoothly, in a "oh, I don't care if she blows him"/"this will be harmless fun" way. We came into this from two very different backgrounds (I'd been with a number of women, almost all non-monogamously and maybe 1 in 5 were emotionally significant to me, where she'd married early and never had sex outside of a relationship until right before we met), so having that helped her see orgasms as something that really can just be for fun, something she really had trouble believing I was on board with.

She has mentioned many wonderful fantasies but doesnt know if she has the courage to carry them out.

You don't have to jump into the deep end of the pool. You also shouldn't be putting undue pressure (either real or perceived) on her to feel like she needs to 'do' this. Start out with one of her more 'vanilla' fantasies (preferably not one that includes swinging) and fulfill that one. Show her that fantasies are okay and fulfilling them doesn't hurt anything. Take your time and make sure that you don't pressure her. This is supposed to be fun for the both of you, make sure it is.

For me, I would do it tonight however, she is still very unsure.

Never move faster than the slowest member is comfortable with. This isn't a race, enjoy the trip.

For her, sex is very emotional and she is worried that if we brought in another guy she may develop feelings.

Work on improving the trust you both have in each other. There is no such thing as too much communication or too much trust. She needs to know it's just physical when you get to this point (she is nowhere near ready for this yet however).

Baby steps. Make your relationship rock solid, keep the communication going, slowly show her that fantasies can be fun, also not all fantasies have to be made real. Take your time, there's no trophy for getting there the fastest. Enjoy the journey, whatever that journey may be, together. Good luck and let us know how things go.