first time at swingers club (onsite) question

Hello all,

First post here and looking for advice on a few questions.

My wife and I have decided to attend an onsite club on August. First time, no past experiences of any sort just something we have agreed to explore to add a little something different and some spice. My wife is not at a point where she is comfortable with the idea of soft or full swap, (I am but have realized by reading up on this forum that the name of the game here is to go at the slowest partners pace so thats my intent, no pressure on her) so our intent is to go and have a great time and just be with each other sexually in the play area.

My question is when it comes to the dancing section of the party (pre play room). If we switch partners dancing what is the norm with touching etc. I haven't discussed this possibility yet with the wife but would like to know what is the norm? Hands roaming, kissing etc. Is it ask first? Is it considered acceptable as soon as one agrees to "dance"?

Obviously we have discussed limits in the playroom... any other advice or tips anyone can give would be most appreciated!

I welcome any questions at all...any information that I can provide to get the best answers!

Thank you in advance!

While it isn't true of all people (especially single men) it is the norm to ask permission before you do anything. Don't just expect everyone to honor this rule, but one word from her usually will put a stop to anything that is going on.

While it isn't true of all people (especially single men) it is the norm to ask permission before you do anything. Don't just expect everyone to honor this rule, but one word from her usually will put a stop to anything that is going on.

Thank you appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Hello all,

 

My question is when it comes to the dancing section of the party (pre play room). If we switch partners dancing what is the norm with touching etc. I haven't discussed this possibility yet with the wife but would like to know what is the norm? Hands roaming, kissing etc. Is it ask first? Is it considered acceptable as soon as one agrees to "dance"?

 

First and foremost, welcome to the community. Second, keep the questions coming, they are all good.

It's well to understand that the dance floor at an on-premise club is a bit different than the dance floor at vanilla event. There is an understandable assumption that everyone at the on-premise club is interested, on some level, in the LS. Both of you are, otherwise you would not be planning to attend. You interest at this point may be interest in looking and watching. That's fine. What's important is to not send mixed signals.

Let's assume that your wife (and you) have "put your sexy on". Well groomed, attractively (if not provocatively) dressed. You (plural) are in the dance area and one or both of you is approached by a couple and invited to dance.

1. It is perfectly okay to say 'no thank you' at this stage. (It is perfectly okay to say 'no thank you' at any stage, more on that in a moment.) If you (singular or plural) do not want to dance with him/her/them, just say 'no thanks, we're going to sit this one out'. No one will take offense.

2. Alternatively, let's assume that you (plural or singular), have at least some curiosity/interest in dancing with this couple and say yes. You have just agreed to some level of physical contact in an on-premise club. Dance is, after all, something that is done with a partner, and you have agreed--on some level -- to a partner exchange. In a vanilla setting, there is an explicit limit to how far the contact will go. In an on-premise club, there is no explicit limit.

3. In principle, escalation should occur only with clear consent: "May I touch/feel/kiss you?" (True gentlemen in the LS develop ways of asking such questions gracefully, sexily, exquisitely, yet clearly. Practice on your wife. She will tell you what sounds reasonable and even endearing. ) Sometimes, there is an alternative statement, "Please stop me if I say or do something that makes you uncomfortable." More often than not, the man will simply explore the boundary until he is--gently or firmly--asked to back off, stop, or whatever. Your wife should be prepared for this. And she should feel absolutely no discomfort in saying "no" at any time. That is part of the social contract of the LS.

4. Touch is often used as a surrogate for asking permission. A light touch on the arm that is not gently pushed away, an arm around the waist that is not pushed away is a signal of comfort. Pulling the "toucher" closer is a signal to continue.

5. A light kiss is hardly unusual and might even be expected.

All of this is readily manageable.

Here is what is likely to happen, assuming the other couple is more experienced than you are. This might not happen with the first couple you dance with. Or the second. Or the third.

But it will happen.

One or the other of them might invite you to have a drink with them after the dance. One or the other of them might ask if the two of you might like to find someplace 'more private'. Among experienced couples, it may well be the wife who says something to you. Really. Women run the LS.

What has happened is that the other couple has already somehow communicated that they like you enough to 'get to know you better', and they have just thrown the ball into your court.

At this point, you have a decision to make. Stop. Or continue the exploration.

This is easy if there are no sparks, there is no chemistry felt by even one member of the foursome. But remember, they asked you to dance, so they already have shown at least a flicker of interest. And by whatever prearranged signal, you agreed that you found them attractive. And then you danced. So there is some probability--again, maybe not in the first or second or third couple but at some point --that all four of you found your dance partners interesting, intriguing, attractive.

Here is where it gets interesting. You wrote:

You have already established that you are comfortable being in the play area and playing in the play area, and others will be watching in the play area.

To a high degree of probability, both you and your wife are thinking--"it would be really nice to have this couple be the first to watch us in the play area, as opposed to some random strangers".

So here's the advice:

1. Make sure that you have some prearranged non-verbal signals to verify that BOTH of you find a particular couple attractive enough to want to dance in the first place. Both of you should have veto power, no questions asked. And practice declining gracefully.

2. If you are invited to have a drink or more, again make sure that you have some prearranged non-verbal signal to verify that BOTH of you want to move forward. Again, BOTH of you have veto power, no questions asked.

3. When you decide you want to go to the play area, take advantage of your newbie status and say--quietly and clearly--"This is our first-time in an on-premise club. We'd like you to be the first to watch us." If the other couple is at all experienced, they will say "Sounds wonderful. Would you like to head to the play area together or meet us there?" This gives you a chance to confer with each other one more time, if you want.

4. Expect the other couple to be playing nearby in the play area.

For the first time at a club, we would suggest that you two stick together as a couple. If there is no couple that you connect with on visit 1, do not fret. It will happen on visit 2.

Enjoy the journey.

First and foremost, welcome to the community. Second, keep the questions coming, they are all good.

 

It's well to understand that the dance floor at an on-premise club is a bit different than the dance floor at vanilla event. There is an understandable assumption that everyone at the on-premise club is interested, on some level, in the LS. Both of you are, otherwise you would not be planning to attend. You interest at this point may be interest in looking and watching. That's fine. What's important is to not send mixed signals.

 

Let's assume that your wife (and you) have "put your sexy on". Well groomed, attractively (if not provocatively) dressed. You (plural) are in the dance area and one or both of you is approached by a couple and invited to dance.

 

1. It is perfectly okay to say 'no thank you' at this stage. (It is perfectly okay to say 'no thank you' at any stage, more on that in a moment.) If you (singular or plural) do not want to dance with him/her/them, just say 'no thanks, we're going to sit this one out'. No one will take offense.

 

2. Alternatively, let's assume that you (plural or singular), have at least some curiosity/interest in dancing with this couple and say yes. You have just agreed to some level of physical contact in an on-premise club. Dance is, after all, something that is done with a partner, and you have agreed--on some level -- to a partner exchange. In a vanilla setting, there is an explicit limit to how far the contact will go. In an on-premise club, there is no explicit limit.

 

3. In principle, escalation should occur only with clear consent: "May I touch/feel/kiss you?" (True gentlemen in the LS develop ways of asking such questions gracefully, sexily, exquisitely, yet clearly. Practice on your wife. She will tell you what sounds reasonable and even endearing. ) Sometimes, there is an alternative statement, "Please stop me if I say or do something that makes you uncomfortable." More often than not, the man will simply explore the boundary until he is--gently or firmly--asked to back off, stop, or whatever. Your wife should be prepared for this. And she should feel absolutely no discomfort in saying "no" at any time. That is part of the social contract of the LS.

 

4. Touch is often used as a surrogate for asking permission. A light touch on the arm that is not gently pushed away, an arm around the waist that is not pushed away is a signal of comfort. Pulling the "toucher" closer is a signal to continue.

 

5. A light kiss is hardly unusual and might even be expected.

 

All of this is readily manageable.

 

Here is what is likely to happen, assuming the other couple is more experienced than you are. This might not happen with the first couple you dance with. Or the second. Or the third.

 

But it will happen.

 

One or the other of them might invite you to have a drink with them after the dance. One or the other of them might ask if the two of you might like to find someplace 'more private'. Among experienced couples, it may well be the wife who says something to you. Really. Women run the LS.

 

What has happened is that the other couple has already somehow communicated that they like you enough to 'get to know you better', and they have just thrown the ball into your court.

 

At this point, you have a decision to make. Stop. Or continue the exploration.

 

This is easy if there are no sparks, there is no chemistry felt by even one member of the foursome. But remember, they asked you to dance, so they already have shown at least a flicker of interest. And by whatever prearranged signal, you agreed that you found them attractive. And then you danced. So there is some probability--again, maybe not in the first or second or third couple but at some point --that all four of you found your dance partners interesting, intriguing, attractive.

 

Here is where it gets interesting. You wrote:

My wife is not at a point where she is comfortable with the idea of soft or full swap, (I am but have realized by reading up on this forum that the name of the game here is to go at the slowest partners pace so thats my intent, no pressure on her) so our intent is to go and have a great time and just be with each other sexually in the play area.

 

You have already established that you are comfortable being in the play area and playing in the play area, and others will be watching in the play area.

 

To a high degree of probability, both you and your wife are thinking--"it would be really nice to have this couple be the first to watch us in the play area, as opposed to some random strangers".

 

So here's the advice:

 

1. Make sure that you have some prearranged non-verbal signals to verify that BOTH of you find a particular couple attractive enough to want to dance in the first place. Both of you should have veto power, no questions asked. And practice declining gracefully.

 

2. If you are invited to have a drink or more, again make sure that you have some prearranged non-verbal signal to verify that BOTH of you want to move forward. Again, BOTH of you have veto power, no questions asked.

 

3. When you decide you want to go to the play area, take advantage of your newbie status and say--quietly and clearly--"This is our first-time in an on-premise club. We'd like you to be the first to watch us." If the other couple is at all experienced, they will say "Sounds wonderful. Would you like to head to the play area together or meet us there?" This gives you a chance to confer with each other one more time, if you want.

 

4. Expect the other couple to be playing nearby in the play area.

 

For the first time at a club, we would suggest that you two stick together as a couple. If there is no couple that you connect with on visit 1, do not fret. It will happen on visit 2.

 

Enjoy the journey.

Ohh my gosh!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that out! You just lessened my and more so my wife's nerves by a huge amount! We will definitely follow your advice and greatly appreciate you putting forth your experience to better ours. So excited! Thanks again!

Edit: My wife just chimed in and commented how thoughtful and articulate you are and how much she appreciates the time you took to detail all of that out!

Let us know how things progress...

Will do! Thanks so much!

We are in Long Beach, CA. If you find it is a good club, let us know how it went, and which one. Always looking for good clubs near us.

We are in Long Beach, CA. If you find it is a good club, let us know how it went, and which one. Always looking for good clubs near us.

Not too near you...Club Twist in San Francisco...but I will let you know how it is....might be worth a mini vacay!

We are long term residents of Long Beach, but very new to the lifestyle. We are still trying to find out how everything works and also the best places to hang out.