Would the MFM threesome helped save my marriage?

Hello. About two years ago I brought up the fantasy I had of having a threesome. Mmy wife didn't say much but the sex that night was wild, so I thought she would be interested. For a couple of months we would both bring it up during sex but it never left the bedroom. Then one day she was online and asked me if I was serious about a threesome? I said yes, but we have to talk about the details.

A couple of weeks later out of the blue she said she would be willing, so we talked about our fears and rules. She said she would look online to see if anyone would be suitable. One night after dinner, she told me she wanted to show me a couple of candidates. After looking we decided on one. She sent him a message and we started messaging him. I could see how excited she was getting. He agreed to come over the next night. My wife was excited. I could see it in her face.

My wife is very attractive. One of my biggest fears why I was deployed over the years was her leaving me, but now I was going to have another man join us. My head was swimming also, this felt so unreal.

Anyway, the night came, so she sent him a message to see what time he would arrive. He said within the hour. An hour went by then two. She sent another message and no reply. He never showed. I could see the disappointed look on her face.

For the next couple of days she looked depressed. I told her we could try again with someone else. She said she didn't want to anymore.

To make things short...she was on her computer a lot more, and there were times I would walk into the the room and on a couple of occasions I swear she would pull her shirt down, or would click off, being very suspicious.

Then two weeks before Christmas, she said she wanted to leave, no explanation. She refused talk about why. By that New Year's Day, she had moved out to be with her new boyfriend...it devastated me.

Now I think back and wonder. Did the threesome thing start something? If it would have happened, would it have helped hold the marriage together by living a fantasy? Or it would have ended that much sooner?

Now I am in a relationship with an amazing woman way younger than me and who I feel is out of my league...and I know to keep my thoughts to myself or I might start something and lose her also.

First woman was gone before she agreed to the threesome.

In order to be successful in swinging, you have to first have a rock solid relationship where you have great love, awesome communication, and an incredible amount of trust. Couples that come into swinging thinking it will save their relationship...are going to be disappointed. Some couples try swinging because they are looking for their current significant others' replacement (sounds like what happened to you). Unless you already have a great relationship, swinging will only make the flaws and shortcomings much more apparent. If one of the parties are already looking for an out, they will find one no matter what happens. I'm sorry for what happened to you but learn from this. Make sure that you are always working on improving your relationship with great communication and trust and who knows, maybe the second try will be the one where you join the ranks of swingers (if the two of you mutually decide this is where your relationship should go). Good luck and best wishes.

Hi, since it seemed to turn her on I think in the hours of waiting something happened and you could have maybe discussed it then. She likely had her feelings hurt and was more comfortable dreaming about it. Instead of being suspicious, maybe you had a window to discuss openly but it seemed to pass. If you dwell on this, you will just live in the past. I recommend you get out there and find a lady that is interested in similar things. Good luck!

Thank you for your replies. I have beat myself up about this since the divorce. I blamed myself a lot for starting the ball rolling.

I did try to talk to her after the no show, but she would not open up. I did think our relationship was strong, having survived my multiple deployments, some as long as eleven months.

I still have the thoughts on having a mfm threesome. I am just afraid to go through it all over again.

I will work on my current relationship and hopefully one day it will be strong enough to actually take our first step. But first I will put the advice I have received here to work...rock solid communication and trust. And if her answer is no, at least we will have a solid relationship.

You're right. That ship is long gone.

I did take some time to work on myself. I wrote and published three books...kept my mind busy. I even want to write one on the lifestyle but how can I write about something I know nothing about?

With my current relationship, she is the exact opposite of my ex. Very outgoing and always positive about everything. One night we were at a nightclub dancing and I said what would you do if this was a swingers club? She said, "strip for you and fuck you in front of everyone." That blew my mind.

Since then I haven't brought up the subject. I'm afraid of a repeat of what my ex did, but I realize everyone is different.

What would be the best way to bring up the subject? Should it be little questions or a full out discussion?

Author,

First, there are many good books on the LifeStyle. As you well know, you should have a good handle on the subject before writing about it. So if you're serious, you need to jump in for a good dip in the pool before writing.

As far as your current girlfriend goes, it seems she's group sex positive. In a moment of passion, I might ask, "Remember how you said you'd act at a swinger's club? What else would you like to do there?" Listen, very carefully, to her answers. Then expound upon them - "You say you'd like to do this . . . while that's going on would you also like to do that?" In other words, get her talking about her fantasies. If she asks you for your fantasies, make sure your answer dovetails with hers.

Then, a few days/weeks later, ask, "So, would you be interested in going to a swing club and seeing if we could get these fantasies to become a reality?"

And, of course, you've been burned once. With this girlfriend, until she's committed you have a chance of losing her. I don't think that if you do it will be because of group sex, it will be because there's other issues. (And they may not be revealed until later.) This is the hazards you sign up for when you're in a relationship.

Good luck!

Should it be little questions or a full out discussion?

Yes. Shouldn't be just one discussion, should be part of an ongoing discussion that covers...everything. If you can't talk to her about anything and everything, then you need to work on that until you can.

I want to thank everyone for your advice. We talked last night a little, she said she would like to be watched while we have sex. But just us no one else. That's why she said that at the dance club.

She said if ever anything went further, it would be like a same room soft swap, where there is only kissing and touching. But no oral or penetration...she said that would be for us to do only with each other in the same room. Is there such a thing as that? And will it be hard to find couples that would accept those rules? She wants me to write the book about the lifestyle. But I will do it by interviewing couples in the lifestyle...by phone or email or messages. I think it's a good idea to write it first. That way I can write without adding my personal opinion.

Thank you all for being so kind and understanding.

Hi

I've seen this before with a few friends over the years, good friends left standing there scratching thier head saying WTF happened - and most of them did not have the same things going on as you did.

As the others have said - the 3some was not the problem and you should not think it was. the problem is there was no talking when she was thinking of going let alone when she left.

If you only take one thing from here then let it be that communication is the number one thing two partner need - whether your in the ls or not.

i do not think the split was about sex with others ever - it was just one of the many things that surfaced because of a underling problem.

Now go and find a great girl that will love you for you, that you can talk too and that you listen too as well (important that one )

enjoy eacth other and if down the road you find that you even want to include others in your sex life then have fun but all ways communicate.

Good luck

...she said she would like to be watched while we have sex.

Try out a club for this one. Most of the time people will ask before touching (or anything else). Just be aware that you might have to say no to others that may want to participate. Usually that is all it will take and they will listen.

It would be like a same room soft swap, where there is only kissing and touching. But no oral or penetration. Sshe said that would be for us to do only with each other in the same room.

Yes, it's called a soft swap.

And will it be hard to find couples that would accept those rules?

No, just make sure that everyone is aware of the rules before hand.

Update. My girlfriend talked to me last night. She said she doesn't want to swing in any way. The fantasy of it is great, but she said she wouldn't feel right actually doing it. I told her everything is fine. If she doesn't want to I support her feelings.

The one thing I have learned here is communication is key to everything. Our relationship has grown a lot in such a short time. Our relationship comes first. Every relationship no matter if it's normal or in the lifestyle needs strong communication and trust. As for writing my book on the lifestyle, that is now on hold. I was going to use interviews to gather information but no one has responded. I even posted in here.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone for your advice. It has helped my current relationship so much. Maybe soon we will be married. Due to our communication we have never been closer.

Maybe in the future things will change (or they may not, who knows) but it sounds like your priorities are in order.

Firstly, sorry to hear about your relationship breaking up, however it sounds like it would have happened if you mentioned swinging or not, I don't think talking about swinging made her leave.

Secondly, perhaps this comment will SEEM LIKE its a little paranoid or controlling but please believe me it simply comes from a place of safety and security, but basically if we are looking for another MAN then I make sure it me (The Male of the Couple) who does all the talking and communication. That from past experiences I have learnt NEVER to give another man my girlfriends phone number / email / social networking sites / last name / or any other detailed information about my girlfriend such as where she works / what hours we work / where my girlfriend hangs out, ECT.

I recall three different experiences that happened to me years ago.

1: JD: I was dating a girl who we shall call JD and we had spoken about threesomes and group sex at length and decided to meet another man, she was very very eager about that idea, she even said she would agree to be gang banged by 4 or 5 different men. Well I thought all my dreams had come true, this girl was super into the idea of group sex so I decided it would be good if she joined a swingers site and picked the men she liked, that she chatted to these guys alone, that it would give her chance to talk with the guys / get to know the guys / feel more comfy with them. So she spend a few days looking around the swingers site after which she said "I have picked my favourite men on that site" and had saved them to the "Hot List" so I decided to take a look at the men she had picked.

There was about 30 different men saved to the "Hot List" and I was shocked about her choices because basically they were all tall muscle bound men with HUGE DICKS, some of them very clearly looked like thugs / heavy hitters / wild player types. I explained that maybe it would be best to pick someone more like us, shorter, not super weight lifting champions / someone who doesn't look aggressive. I mean the vast majority of men she picked was muscle bound skin head types, and just about everyone had a 10 inch cock or more, really I wanted someone who matched our own confidence and experience levels.

It soon dawned on me that what she had done was PICK THE MEN SHE FANCIED, picked the men she would date if she was single. My approach would have been to pick a man who seemed passive / safe / genuine / clean / and who matched our own experience levels / matched our own body sizes, that I'd have tried to find the SAFE OPTION. But basically she had just picked a bunch of hunky model looking types with six packs, huge arm muscles and massive dicks, I don't think any of them was below 6'2ft tall and most of them were 35 / 40 years old where we was in our early 20's.

Basically she had picked the people she would date in real life, she had picked the men she fancied rather than thinking about any safety options, rather than thinking about what would be safe, what would match us well, she just picked the very best the site had to offer. That concerned me because basically I wasn't 35 / 40 years old, I wasn't some weight lifting guru, I din't have a huge 11 inch cock, I'm not over 6ft tall so it made me wonder if these are the men she really likes why is she with me?

It actually turned out that she had been cheating on me all along, that perhaps the reason she was so eager to explore group sex, why she was willing to jump straight into gang bangs was because she didn't even view our relationship as serious, that behind the scenes she was already seeing another guy as fuck buddies which came out shortly after seeing us break up. That experience taught me that (A) I personally would pick the safest most genuine option where a women sometimes just picks the men she really fancies and would date in real life, and (B) that if a girlfriend is too eager to jump into this lifestyle then maybe there is a reason why, if she is just willing to jump in without much talking, without much convincing, without any safety worries then maybe she doesn't view your relaitonship as that serious.

2: JB: Sometime later I began dating a girl called JB and we dated for a good while and began talking about threesomes which she was a little nervous about, this time I decided to find 4 or 5 different guys that I thought would be suitable and asked her to pick one to chat with. I still thought that maybe my girlfriend chatting to this guy would help her feel excited, help her feel connected, that it would allow them to get to know each other so basically she picked a guy and she began talking to him. She explained that we was a couple looking for a threesome, however the very second this man figured out he was speaking to the female half of the couple he simply asked her to cheat on me / meet him alone / have sex alone / meet 1 on 1 / cut out the threesome subject totally / cut me out of the picture.

In essence the man tried to steal my girlfriend away, tried to get her cheating on me, wasn't really looking for as threesome at all but was simply looking to bang women on his own, so from that point he got blocked and I tuck over looking for a suitable person which we met shortly after and I still know him to this day.

3: SJ: This actually happened many years later, perhaps 10 years later I was dating a girl called SJ at the time, we had tried various threesomes together and she was a really open minded girl, in fact for many months she happily let me explore MFF with her, and MMF. However 10 years had passed since the incident above and I was with a much older and more confident girl so I deiced to try again letting my girlfriend pick a man / chat with him alone / get to know him / flirt around alone a little. She found a guy on the swingers site and began chatting, I left her to it and for 3 or 4 days they chatted happily until I asked what was happening? Within the space of 4 days he has added her to face book and got her personal mobile phone number, really we had only ever agreed that she should chat to this guy on the website but instead they swapped face book details and phone numbers and he had began texting her all day at work.

Well the moment he had her phone number the same thing happened, this guy asked her to cheat / meet him alone / have sex alone / cut me or a threesome out of the picture, that again this guy was on a threesome site but didn't even want a threesome he just wanted to fuck women alone. We tuck a strong stance together as a couple and said "NO THANKS" were looking for a threesome not an affair. We thought that would end the situation but the man actually kept on messaging her. For several months he would send her date requests, ask her to meet up for meals, ask her to meet him alone for drinks, to chat, for sexy fun and so on. Sadly my girlfriend phone didn't have a "Block" option so we had to change her number which was very frustrating for her.

OVERALL:

My personal experience (I am sure others have different experiences) but in my personal experience it has proved to be a very very bad idea to put other men in direct contact with my girlfriend, I mean sure I can trust my girlfriend to the moon and back, BUT that doesn't mean I can trust the intentions of these other men. You know some guys a very clever, they are expert at talking their way around women, some men are experts at throwing spanners in the works and taking down other peoples relationships, some men know exactly what to say to a women to get her against her boyfriend.

I think when a women chats / flirts with a man alone its very easy for her to get caught up in the NRE (New Relationship Energy) that sure you have been dating this girl 5 years and all of a sudden a new man comes along and within a week the women is making sweeping comments like....

"He is such a good listener, he pay me much more attention that my boyfriend"

"He is so respectful and nice, I really trust him"

"He has such a great body, I know we have never actually met in person, but his body is amazing"

"He seems so fun and cool"

The new relationship energy can easily sweep a women off her feet, they believe this man they have never actually met is PERFECT, when in reality he is simply a player type hoping for some pussy, he is telling your girlfriend the things she needs to hear to open her legs, really the man could be a liar / cheater / dangerous person, the girl doesn't know who he is or what is real intentions are. But sure during that first few months, during that honeymoon period, during that new relaitonship energy anything that man says or does seems perfect.

I'm NOT saying all women are like this, I'm NOT saying women should be controlled, I am NOT saying a women is my property, I am NOT saying women are dumb and get sucked in easily. I am simply saying I don't blindly trust a new man, that often the men you meet online have hidden intentions and motives and putting your life partner in direct contact with that man is perhaps not always the best idea unless you have known that man for a long time and totally trust them.

From that point on I have totally avoided other men been in direct contact with my girlfriend and its worked out fine, we can still meet people, we can still explore, but there is no need for a man to have my girlfriends personal details. In my experience the first time you give a man your girlfriend personal details is the first time he asks her to meet him alone for sex and cut you out of the relationship.

I honestly find a lot of men on swinging sites don't even want threesomes, they simply figure threesomes are an easy way to bang someone else's girlfriend, an easy way to fuck women. I now make sure that if a man wants a threesome with us he has to contact me not my girlfriend.

Guess I'm trying to say as a MAN it might better for YOU to pick 4 or 5 other men that you feel comfy with, and then see which one your girlfriend likes without the need for your girlfriend to be in direct contact with these guys. By all means have 2 or 3 social meetings so she finds the right guy, so she can chat and get to know him, but no you don't need to give a guy your girlfriends personal information, such men do not need your girlfriends phone number / email / networking sites ect. You handle that bit and make sure to keep a secure distance from him and your partner.

It doesn't stop you having threesomes, it just stops this man asking your partner to meet him alone.

Sometimes its difficult to accept the problem was never, ever you. You can fix yourself, you cannot fix someone else. As someone already wrote, she was already gone. Nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Perhaps some counseling may have helped, yet the ship, at this point, has sailed well past the horizon line.

I hate to say this, but I strongly suspect she may have cheated on you while you were away. Regardless, it's best that it is over and you now have a great new relationship. Water under the bridge, let it go and stop beating yourself up about it. Move forward and enjoy your future without dragging the unpleasant pass along with it.