Not "out"

We are brand new and have never done more than talk about swinging, but the talks are serious. My biggest hold up is that we live in a small conservative community and we don't want it to be known to our family and friends that we are doing this. We would be going 30min away to a club to start, but chances are we will at some point run into a friend-of-a-friend or what have you.

I don't think our situation is all that unique, but idk. Do you find that most people are not openly swingers? What, if anything, do you do to protect your privacy?

Well, since you play in a small community, you're likely to get caught.

If you go to a club 30 minutes away, you're getting away from your small community. The chances are slim (but not impossible) that you'll bump into someone you know.

And remember, if somebody recognizes you at a club, you're going to recognize them. If they out you, they'll out themselves.

It's really not a worrisome as it seems.

It's a common and valid concern, but I think that the risk of meeting someone you know who will not only recognize you but will also deliberately cause you trouble afterwards by spreading the word or whatever, is quite small.

There is a concept in nuclear strategy that also applies to swinging: mutually assured destruction. No one would “out” you because it would out them. 90-99% of Swingers are in the closet because it is a scandalous hobby. We’ve met people we know at nudist and swinger events. After some nervous laughter, we move forward. We would never out anyone and we hope for the same courtesy.

Thanks for the responses. Hopefully we can get a few tries under our belt before running into that particular brand of awkward, but the anecdotes around the board are reassuring

This is a perennial concern. Here is the situation.

1. What happens among consenting adults is a lot less scandalous than the usual reported behaviors: cheating, sex for money, etc.

2. Taboo becomes mainstream over time. For example, going to a nude beach or resort used to raise eyebrows. Not so much any more. People are increasingly open about various aspects of sexuality.

3. A bit of discretion goes a long way.

So there are really two issues.

1. You might run into someone you know at a swing venue. Or someone who knows someone you know. They are there at a Swing Club or event for the same reason. There's no percentage in 'outing' you. Just have a plan--quietly acknowledge their presence (so they know that you have spotted them), exchange a simple "good evening" and move on. Pretend they are not there.

2. You find a couple you like, you end up seeing each other and you are at a restaurant or some other public place and someone you know (co-worker, neighbor, pastor) comes up to you and says" hi". Just introduce your new friends. If asked how you met, give the standard response "Oh, John and Mary are friends of friends."

Bottom line, be respectful, be discreet. People pay you little mind. It's especially true if you're a little older and fairly conservative in dress and manner. Candidly, your biggest risk is outing yourselves. People will ask why you're so bouncy and happy on Monday when they have had an ordinary weekend. Just smile and respond "quality time with my spouse!".

Most swingers are not openly swingers for the simple reason that potential playmates might be concerned about being outed and steer clear. Once and again, discretion matters.

Our favorite couple that we played with were friends before. In fact, the husband was the contractor building a house at the time. We discovered we were both swinging by pure accident and all four of us were elated. None of us gave any thought to the possibility of outing each other. We simply expanded that friendship in a very enjoyable way.

adamgunn said:

Well, since you play in a small community, you're likely to get caught.

 

If you go to a club 30 minutes away, you're getting away from your small community. The chances are slim (but not impossible) that you'll bump into someone you know.

 

And remember, if somebody recognizes you at a club, you're going to recognize them. If they out you, they'll out themselves.

 

It's really not a worrisome as it seems.

I often wonder. With everyone traveling 30-40 miles to party, what makes everyone think that their neighbors aren't going the same thing.

We met a couple at a lifestyle friendly resort about 200 miles from home. They live within an easy five minute walk from us.

This isn't the first thread on this because it is something that almost everyone is concerned about when starting out. If or when it does happen it really isn't like the Mutual Assured Destruction option as suggested, it instead becomes more of a dirty shared secret between the two couples. You both know something very private but sexy about the other. Usually it will lead to secret smiles whenever you see each other. It may happen, it may not. The question is are you not going to venture out to the party because of something that might happen. If that is the case, you might have an accident on the way, or you might win the lottery, or a giant asteroid might hit the earth destroying everything. Now if the asteroid thing happens wouldn't you rather spend the last few seconds of your live remembering about that night you went to the swingers party with your SO...?

If you are committed to an experience I would advise going farther away. More than 30 minutes. If you run into a friend of a friend after making the effort of traveling more than thirty minutes the chances are that they are as apprehensive about running into you as you are running into them.

It is kind of like relating to someone that "Hey I saw them at the dildo store" as if them being at the dildo store is irrelevant.

This was a big issue for us too in the beginning. After much discussion and strategizing, we deciding that if it ever did happen there would really be nothing to be embarrassed about. They are there for the exact same reason that you are. They’d probably respect you more.

And yes, mutually assured destruction will ensure that no one else will hear about it.

It can be pretty amazing who you run into. A couple years ago, the wife and I made our first visit to New Orleans, over 1,000 miles from home. We decided to go to Collette's on Friday night. After the tour of the place, we headed to the bar for a couple glasses of wine. My wife was sitting on a stool and I was behind her. There was a guy on the stool next to her, and his girl was behind him and beside me. They were young enough to be our kids, so I thought it was so nice of her to speak to me. The four of us proceeded to have a nice chat. They were on their way from Florida to California and stopped in New Orleans on the way. It turned out that the guy had gone to the school district where my wife taught for years, and was also the college roommate of one of our son's best friends. Crazy! When all this came to light, I almost couldn't stop laughing. I'll bet many in the lifestyle have similar stories.