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  1. #1

    Default MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    Hello everyone, my husband and I have talked for years about bringing a second man into the bedroom so that we can have the experience of this MFM fantasy. We’ve never worked up the courage to try, but the kids are grown and out of the house and we’ve decided it’s time to open that door again. In the past I’ve stated that it would have to be a stranger, but as I’ve gotten older, this makes me uncomfortable. It is a very small gene pool in our area, and everyone seems to have huge mouths! I couldn’t trust a local in this. We have a long time acquaintance/friend of over 10 years, who I would consider to ask for this. In all fairness, he is very close friends with mutual friends of ours, and this makes both of us a little nervous as we don’t want to disrupt the friendships. That being said, I have developed a friendship with him a bit more than husband has over these years by being more involved with activities of the group of friends than husband has been. As husband doesn’t know him personally too well, and so doesn’t trust him, he does not want him to be involved. I do believe, if this were to happen, he would be discreet, although I do think that a few of the group already recognize the flirting, but with discretion, the rest could be kept quiet.

    It was about a year ago that, out of nowhere, that we started up with some subtle, friendly flirting back and forth. He lives several hours away and only comes to our area 4-5 times a year, so all that has happened is just that, a little flirting. (I would never cheat on Husband! Never have, never will!) The flirting has gotten stronger over the year, but I’ve compartmentalized this in my head-it’s just fantasy. I might like to see this become a “friends with benefits” situation in the future if it feels right. My heart is straight, I love my husband more than I could ever say, and I know, for me, this would just be sex. I told husband about this fantasy about 10 weeks ago and he was understandably upset. He is worried because he see’s the flirting and recently, more obvious actions and comments that indicate that this friend is into me too. Husband is worried that he is falling for me, or already has. I don’t think this is the case, he has been in a 20+ year marriage himself, although I don’t know much more than that. I’ve been told that his wife is not too supportive of him (this info comes from the mutual friends, not him). Husband stated he would consider this man if he was able to form a friendship with him & learn to trust him, but rescinds that frequently, not only because of the friend being who he is, but because of husband’s religious upbringing and other factors of his upbringing; there are things he needs to work through for himself before we did anything with anyone. So, obviously we would not be extending an invitation the next time we see him. We have talked about “the long game”, where husband tries to get to know him over the course of the next year or so when he is in town. I understand his fear, but I think husband would feel this way about any man that was a possibility until he experiences it for the first time. Also, I thought it might be best to test the waters for an MFM with someone other than this man as a first experience, and since we will be traveling soon, I thought I would compromise and I suggested that we might just find a stranger in another state to invite in to make sure husband can handle seeing me do another man. Our communication is great and I know there is a way to figure this out. What do you all think? Am I crazy?

  2. #2

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    You know, most of our swinging episodes were with friends and it never became an issue after the fact. But then, they were all experienced too so we all knew what we were doing. Them being friends first, did make the experience more enjoyable and relaxed for all four of us.

    We met one single man through a meet and greet. He had a girlfriend who was often his partner with couples. We had one experience with him and his girlfriend and it was good. The next time we had planned on seeing him, his girlfriend had moved away. I know that he was hoping that we'd invite him by himself and, looking back, I certainly wish we had. I know that my wife liked, and enjoyed, him and I really liked him too.

    So, what I'm thinking, you might look for a couple who swings together and separately. This way you both could find out how you feel seeing your spouse with someone else. And, if it goes well, then ask the husband if he'd do a threesome with you and your husband. If that also goes well, then you might be ready to consider this friend of yours that you really want to be with.

  3. #3

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    I would not do it with a friend, especially with your husband's attitude about this particular man.

    You're talking about the 'long game.' It's likely that feelings will develop, that his wife will find out and raise a shit-storm, that your husband would develop hurt feelings. In the end almost the best you can hope for is that you will have regrets, the worst would be the breakup of one or both marriages.

    I understand you live in a rather small area. If you can't find 'safe' swinger couples, save it until you can get out to town.

    Good luck!

  4. #4

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    NWlovin’ ... I see that you are very new to this BBS... Welcome!

    You are for sure in the right place if you want to expand your knowledge of the "Lifestyle" (LS).

    I do not think you are "crazy" for wanting to fulfill some of your fantasies, especially with your husband being on-board, and a fully cooperative participant. Maintaining full, open, and honest communication with your partner is paramount in the LS. Trust is a big deal too, all the way around.

    You sound pretty patient... describing setting up a situation in the course of a year or so. Patience is a good thing, especially in the LS.

    HOWEVER... The situation you are mostly describing sounds like a colossal train-wreck waiting to happen. Pulling a married guy into your bedroom for play-time activities without the knowledge, consent, or support of his wife... especially since he is part of a larger circle of your friends... has disaster written all over it. I am hard-pressed to imagine a bigger violation of trust, and a breakdown in communication (especially concerning his wife).... No one in their right mind, especially on this BBS, will ever advise you to pursue such a course of action.

    Keep in mind that this is a "Team Sport"... mostly with you and your partner, but also including all the guest "Teams" you play with. Anytime a player is excluded, the opportunity for trouble and excessive drama looms large.

    So... "What do I think?"

    I think you would be wise to spend a bit of time on this BBS. You do not seem to be in a real big hurry, and a few months spent grazing the forums here (especially together with your partner) could be fun, as well as informative.

    Pay attention to who is making posts that resonate with you. There is a wealth of knowledge, experience, and wisdom here. Take advantage of that. Continue to post questions... make comments. And there is always the option of connecting with folks here via a "PM" (private message) through their "SB" profile.

    For me it is more about the journey, than the destination... and I suspect most folks here would agree with that.

    Enjoy the journey.

    Let us know how it works out.

    Be Well... Have Fun!

    "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle."

  5. #5

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    Vi, Thank you for your advice. I’m glad to hear that your adventures with friends has worked well for you. In reading the posts, they seem to run about 50/50. I am thinking of this particular man because he is familiar to us and because I believe he would be discreet, respect us and our marriage, and because he lives far away and is constantly traveling for work, would only be around a few times a year. A FWB that I get to play with hubby & him once in a while. My husband, at this time, has no interest in being with another woman. We had a FFM many years ago, so we have traveled this road before. I’m not sure, at this time, that I could watch him with another woman and we have no desire to go our seperate ways in this adventure. He loves the idea of seeing me handle himself and another man. I know that there may come a day when he changes his mind and wants to do a couples swap or an FFM, as nothing is set in stone, and through communication we will figure that out. I may be into it at that point too. I have asked him, in our current scenario, if he could handle an MMF knowing that I may never be comfortable with another woman, and at this point he has accepted this. If/when he changes his mind, we will talk and we will figure it out. Our #1 priority is honoring ourselves and our marriage. After all,we are walking this path together until the last page of our story is turned.

  6. #6

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    AdamGunn, husband wants to say that he appreciates your understanding about his feelings on this scenario. We are not looking to break up his marriage or ours either. Part of our “long game” is to get to know the second man better, including his situation at home, as well as giving Husband time to come to grips with the stigmas that his upbringing has ingrained in him. He loves the idea of the MMF, but needs to learn how to let go of the guilt and shame he was taught to feel. As for man #2, he travels constantly for work, so he and the Mrs. may have an understanding, but maybe they don’t. These are things we need to know before we would proceed with this man. As for me developing feelings for him, we have known him as an acquaintance for over 10 years, and after a year of me fantasizing about him, I have not had even a tickle of anything but sexual desire for him. I’m perfectly happy at home, Hubs is my best friend and will be the whole of my heart and soul for life. I’ve been with him since I was a girl & I’ve got wrinkles and silver hairs now!😊 I do respect your thoughts on this and appreciate your support in wanting us to find a safe path on this journey. Thank you.

  7. #7

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    luv2was, you say to pay attention to people who post things that resonate with us. Funny that you should say that as we, husband longer than me, have been reading the posts here and have found that YOU are one of a few who we both feel gives sound, considerate and honest feedback, so we both appreciate hearing your thoughts. Even your advice to others has been taken into consideration by the two of us for our own growth in exploring this lifestyle.

    You call my specific MFM scenario a ”train wreck that is waiting to happen”, and husband is concerned about this also. I, too have heard your words and, although I, in my rose-colored vision, think that with time, respect for everyone involved, yes-even the 2nd man’s wife, then this might work. If not, it was just a fantasy a few months ago, and no harm if that is all it stays. I’ve stated this to Husband many times since we started talking about it all.

    I do hope that through the “long game” we can find answers to whether he would literally be a cheater, which I agree with Husband in that we don’t want to break up a marriage. I would never want to be THAT WIFE, the one whose hubby is messing with another woman while I sit at home alone. 2nd man travels for work and is away frequently, so part of our journey is learning if he and his wife have an understanding. If they do not, then the whole scenario must be reassessed. We agree with you that this IS a team sport, and that is so true wth the both of us. We have been each other’s best friends since we were so young. We’ve had ups and downs, goods and bad’s, all the things the wedding vows say you’ll go through. We always have come out stronger on the other side, and we have been through some stuff!

    “It’s about the journey and not the destination”.

    luv2was… Amen. We have had so much growth during the past few months of talking about this with each other and the information we have learned here has been, at least for me, clarity. A tug to the blinders I may have on. In a perfect world, this man who I have known as an acquaintance for over 10 years, (a friendship developing for one or so); who lives far away and only comes to our area a few times a year and so eliminates the “desire of a quick fix”; and again, in a perfect world- has an understanding with his wife AND would not cause ripples in the pond of our mutual friends—this man, would be a perfect candidate. But damn! That is an awful LOT of stars to align for this to work! That is why it is, perhaps, just a fantasy.

    I hope that our long game provides the answers that we need.

    And thank you, again, for your guidance to us and others. You really seem to have it together

  8. #8

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    I'll just chime in support of adamgunn and luv2was, in that there are many, many ways this can go wrong.

    I've screwed around with plenty of married/attached women before, but it's like traveling to a hazardous place. I'll do it if it's just me and I'm only accountable for myself, but I wouldn't encourage a loved one to come get into that potential mess with me.

    Especially when it's something that is socially taboo, like group sex. What happens if the wife puts you all on blast on social media?

  9. #9

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    Quote Originally Posted by NWlovin’ View Post
    luv2was, you say to pay attention to people who post things that resonate with us. Funny that you should say that as we, husband longer than me, have been reading the posts here and have found that YOU are one of a few who we both feel gives sound, considerate and honest feedback, so we both appreciate hearing your thoughts. Even your advice to others has been taken into consideration by the two of us for our own growth in exploring this lifestyle.
    And thank you, again, for your guidance to us and others. You really seem to have it together
    Oh, my! I am both humbled and honored by your kind and thoughtful words. Thank you! ... Chalk one up for the single guys I reckon. (Nice to hear that I'm getting something right, too.)

    In reviewing your responses here it sounds like y'all are doing everything right, and approaching the situation in a realistic way, without any extraordinary expectations.

    There is a first time for everything. Y'all certainly seem to be cautious and thoughtful enough about this pursuit. As well as properly doing your "homework". I'm inclined to now say: Stay the course, and see what happens.

    Part of my alarm is based on an experience I had in my mid 20's (I'm pushing 60 now), as well as information I've picked up off this BBS.... I was THAT GUY one time. I used my little head more than my big head, and allowed myself to be seduced by a woman who was part of a couple that I was friends with. I found out later that I was not the first to fall victim, and I came to the conclusion (confirmed by others) that I was just being used for some drama, as a part of that couple's problems. It only took once. Never again. .... The resounding lesson learned is: "Never exclude anyone involved from the communication loop."

    Another thing, that seems worth mentioning... Though I suspect you already know this, since y'all have been reading on this BBS for a while.... One of the better nuggets of wisdom I have received off this site is the call for patience in finding partners in the LS. The idea being to measure the difficulty in getting just two people together, who mix well, and then add a 3rd, or 4th, or more. It seems like an almost impossible feat at times. (All those "Stars to be aligned".)

    The good news is the testimony of the folks here who have made it work. It can be done... You just have to be prepared for fact that everything will not work all the time. (Kind of like what Abe said, or at least made famous.)

    Again, from what you've posted here, it sounds to me like y'all are well on your way to a better (healthy) understanding of the Lifestyle... (and I greatly appreciate your confirmation that I seem to be on the right path as well).

    There are a lot of fish in the pond however, if just one man is all you are looking for.

    I get that it is an exhaustive process, trying to separate out the wheat from the chaff, in finding play partners... but life is short, and who knows, you may also find a suitable play partner through other means (while you are waiting for your current situation to resolve itself).

    At the same time I am also sensitive to the "small town blues" aspect of your situation, which adds a little extra complication, and almost certainly means that some travel will be required. I live in such an area as well, and am sometimes almost envious of those "big city" dwellers... they seem to have a lot more choices. (But I am OK with the trade so far. I just love where I live now.) Anyway... It makes me understand more, the appeal of the man you currently have your sights on.

    Bottom line is... I still don't think you're crazy... and I also think you are approaching the Lifestyle in a sane fashion.

    Fantasies are great too. Sometimes the thrill of the chase can be just as rewarding (and a lot less complicated), even if it is just chasing after an idea.... That can be a lot of fuel for the fire, and there is nothing wrong with stoking that (in a safe, harmless way).

    And as you've pointed out, the whole process can help add clarity. That (pretty much all of the above) is for sure a big part of how I've gotten to where I am now.

    Be Well... Have Fun!
    "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle."

  10. #10

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    You are not crazy. Our first forray into the lifestyle was also visiting an out of town, out of country club to test it out. We visited a club and then eventually hooked up with people through a friend in the LS. Worked out fine.

  11. #11

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    Correction to earlier post by me: Hubs loves the thought of an MFM, not MMF.

  12. #12

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend


    For me this entire situation screams danger.

    Firstly: This man has flirted with you knowing you are married.

    Secondly: This man has flirted with you knowing he is married and has been for over 30 years.

    So basically this man is NOT BOTHERED about respecting your marriage, or his own marriage.

    If this man is willing to lie to your husband.
    If this man is willing to lie to his own wife.

    Then do you REALLY think he won't be lying to you as well?

    He is probably already having 1 or 2 different affairs that you know nothing about, I mean do you think YOU are the only married women he flirts with?

    You have said that you know this man, and then in the same breath say that he has been married for over 30 years and that is all you know, that he has hardly explained a thing, so he is obviously not been very forthcoming with information, he is obviously keeping the reality of the situation away from you.

    Like stated above if he is willing to lie to your husband, if he is willing to lie to his own wife, if he is willing to flirt with married people, if he is actively looking for sneaky affairs, then no he will not think twice about lying to you or anyone else that is involved, to me he sounds like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

    You have also said that he lives a fair distance away, that he lives several hours away from your home.

    Well are you actually sure he lives there? Have you been to his house?

    Its not uncommon for men who are looking for affairs to lie about their real names / to lie about where they live / to lie about their wives / to lie about their current sexual partners.

    There is also an old saying.....

    "Don't shit on your own doorstep"

    In other words this man doesn't want to cause shit where he lives, he wants to drive to the next town / drive 2 hours away to the next city to find his affairs, in other words he doesn't want to leave the shit on his doorstep, he wants to leave it on your doorstep instead.

    If this situation went wrong, if this situation turned bad, if local people or your friends find out about this affair or threesome like deal then sure he can jump back in his car and drive 2 hours away and leave all that crap behind for you to deal with.

    That sure if this goes wrong HE can drive back 2 hours away and sit cuddled up with his wife like nothing has happened, whilst you and your husband are there frantically trying to pick up the pieces whilst been the gossip of the entire town. Your life doesn't matter to him, your home, your mortgage, your children, your social standing, your job, your friendship, NONE of that matters to him, he doesn't care if all of that explodes in your face because he can jump in his car and be sat back home like nothing happened at all.

    I have dealt with cheating men many times before and usually YOU are not the only person they are seeing, usually such men will have 2,3,4, or even 5 other women just like you dotted around the place, I have also heard various cheating men openly admit they use prostitutes.

    Near my office there is a street where 3 or 4 hookers walk up and down the road, every night I walk back home and see them standing their, the type of street walkers who are using drugs, the type of unclean street prostitutes who have slept with 5 or 6 different men that night without even stopping for a wash, and honestly every person I see picking them up are all middle aged family men, they drive up in their family cars, some of them still have child seats in the back.

    Young healthy men don't use these hookers, its all middle aged family men who pick them up, and 30 to 60 minutes later they are back stud in the same spot and another married man pulls up next to them.

    I know one cheating man very well indeed and such men create excuses to leave house, they get jobs where they can travel around, they start hobbies where they can leave the house for hours, and sure they then cheat as much as possible. The cheating guy that I know has a lovely wife and 2 children yet every weekend he goes out and picks up 18/20 year old girls from nightclubs and fucks them, during his work he travels around the country and fucks married women, at any one time he has about 3 or 4 different women on the go.

    My honest guess is if this man is flirting with you behind his wives back then he is probably flirting with, or sleeping with 2 or 3 other women that you know nothing about.

    Regardless one of the golden rules about swinging is NOT to explore with people you know / people who know your friends / people who know your workmates / people who know your family.

    I mean lets say you did have a threesome with this man, lets say you explored a MFM situation with this man, then do you really think your husband is going to be okay with you wondering off to these hobby meetings and seeing him alone? Do you really think your husband is going to let you have sex with this man then see him on your own once every few months as well? More than likely your husband would want you to stop that hobby, more than likely your husband wouldn't want you going there anymore.

    In my experience cheating men do become good at flirting, they become good at telling women what they want to hear, they become good at reeling married women into the net, what you view as a connection could actually just be a well practised cheating man who knows what to say and do to interest married women.

    For me its a NO.

    If this man is willing to lie to his wife.
    If this man is willing to put his marriage at risk.
    If this man is willing to flirt with you behind your husbands back.
    If this man is willing to put your marriage at risk by flirting with you.

    Then he really doesn't care and will lie to anyone including you.

  13. #13

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    First, what Sun & Moon said times ten. Yet, it's much simpler, you only Swing with people who are in a healthy marriage/relationship.

    This man's marriage is not healthy. Sex, with other women, may well be revenge for his wife being unsupportive. Also, the reason she may be unsupportive, is she knows he's flirting (and perhaps cheating) and it's her form of retribution. Truth is always a three edged sword.

    What they may need is a divorce, but they're living in an unhealthy relationship with motivations that are their own. These motivations could be as simple as, she gets half his stuff in a divorce. Or, they think their situation is normal. What people feel is normal is often pretty odd. Desi Arnaz, when confronted by Lucille Ball about his affairs looked at her and said,"I do not understand why you are mad. They're just hookers". Enough said.

  14. #14

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    Mr. NWlovin’ here. I would like to reach out to everyone here who has taken the time to read and post your thoughts on the matter. Your thoughts and words of wisdom has brought a lot of clarity to the Mrs and I in this matter. We’ve been reading the boards and learning a lot about this LS. We’re so glad that we found this forum, it’s a great community of people. So a great big Thank You for bringing clarity to this!

    I would first like to express that my initial concerns with the acquaintance still hold true today and will not change in the future after some recent reveals. I had reservations and a feeling in my gut about him from the beginning. He is a married man who I’m sure has a loving and caring wife at home who does not know of what started out as innocent flirting between Mrs.NWlovin’ and himself, and I suspect his wife would not agree to this LS. I was unaware of the flirting for sometime myself, I believe that his wife deserves the respect to know of this flirting, no matter what. Which I believe that he is responsible to communicate that in his marriage as we do ours. I also see in him something that could be seen as stronger feelings for my dear wife, (she is quite a catch you know). Either way, I firmly believe that he recently chose to behave in a way in front of myself and the Mrs that was crass and disrespectful, breaking the unspoken code of men. Innocent, friendly flirting is one thing, but you don’t, in a round about way, proposition another man’s wife. (Which Mrs. quickly put him in his place for). Also I strongly agree with the code of the community, no swinging with people you know or people who know of your friends and family. KEEP IT OUTSIDE! No need for a “head on” social collision.

    I have the most loving wife in the world by my side (“she’s the one and always will be”) and for myself and her the idea of a MFM is a total turn on for us. I have for many years thought this would be something I would want to experience. This is a hot fantasy for me and for her too and I know that I would love to show her off and see her being the center of attention. I’m also working on getting rid of some of those stigmas that the Mrs was explaining about earlier, it’s something I’m trying to shake off, and they are slipping away as the days go by.

    So in conclusion I just wanted to add a little of my thoughts to this and express my gratitude to the forum.

  15. #15

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    Myself and the wife have been together for over 30 years now - and i can tell you that if i had your feeling as you have put them on here - there would be no more talk of this guy - we would just move on to someone we both felt good about no buts or maybe's

    Also if she said lets stop, that would be it as well - my wife is the most important not others or my wanting them to screw around with. and she is the same with myself.

    If any thing close to what you both posted here came up - (and over the years it has, others are a novlity to us.) then it stops - we are love each other and realize sometimes you just stop and move on.

    bottom line Who is important in your lives - the two of you? no disrespect to your wife but if she is still thinking of doing this after you have told her of the concerns you have with this guy then stop swinging now.
    And if it were you instead of her i would say the same thing to you.

    lastly why the hell would your wife entertain this still knowing the way you fell - sorry but this is a big red flag

  16. #16

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    I wouldn't recommend doing it with a friend. Looking past the initial hurrah, in time you may want to slacken off with this particular friend, and he may want more of your time. That could lead to threats of exposure, etc. that might prove to be an embarrassment to you and to your husband.

    With so many strangers willing to get between your legs, why not pick someone you and your husband are BOTH comfortable with in the stranger's company, without the possibility of revelations to your friends?

  17. #17

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    If you like to try a MFM i think it is the best to go to a swinger club and see if you like it. It can be nice to have a threesome with a friend but i would not do it..

  18. #18

    Default Re: MFM with an Acquaintance/Friend

    All the literature and experienced people tell you not to play with friends. And, with some experience, I tend to agree, especially when you first get started. But, we did 10 or so MFM and start swaps in there somewhere so after several, hubby encouraged me to do MFM with a common friend of ours and it worked great. Along the way, we added a couple more guys, these were more his friends then mine, but again, I enjoy the interaction with guys I know than I did with strangers. It’s been several years now, the first guy moved to FL but we still go visit him when we are down there. So, for us, it works.

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