My wife is afraid of shaming

Hello! Male part of couple here.

So... We both are interested in sexual adventures, I have experience in lifestyle in previous relationship. She really is turned on about it, we pretty closely got it clear what she wants and I am wiling to give her that in our first time.

Because of her youth in half religious sexaphobic environment she is afraid of what "others" might think about her sexual behavior. Not just public in general but the people we intend to have sex with. So her long time fantasy is mmf and thats no problem for me. And shes so afraid that the other guy is going to say something, think something and that scares her more then her desire to try it out at least one time.

We been talking this around and around. As I cant understand her deep fears maybe here somebody have some tips for us?

Thank you!

In my experience changing someones fears and beliefs is a very difficult subject.

Trying to change someones fears and beliefs is not a quick or easy process.

My first bit of advice would be DO NOT RUSH

DO NOT focus on trying a threesome, do not focus on trying group sex, your girlfriend is obviously worried / frightened by the idea of having group sex, SO take a few steps backwards.

Do not focus on trying a threesome, do not focus on trying group sex, but instead DO FOCUS on your girlfriends confidence levels / beliefs about sex.

Don't even mention group sex anymore, instead focus on the things about sex that scare or worry your girlfriend.

Your girlfriend needs to understand that sex is not a crime / sex is okay / sex is fun / she is allowed to have sex and fun in her life, once she has learned those things, then ask about a threesome later.

In short....

Focus on your girlfriend, not on group sex and threesomes.

HOW WOULD YOU DO THIS?

Well what are your objectives?

Your main objectives are to:

- Increase your girlfriends sexual confidence.

- Show your girlfriend sex is an okay and fun subject.

- Open your girlfriends mind to the possibility of different sexual things.

- Involve your girlfriend in more sexual practices so she has less fears regarding sex.

- To increase her sexual confidence, and to lower her sexual fears.

Just about every subject in life takes training / practice / preparation / learning.

To give you ONE EXAMPLE I would say:

"Think about a champion boxer / champion fighter"

Does a champion boxer / champion fighter simply stand in the ring and fight?

NO THEY DON'T - In fact a champion fighter often trains for many hours, they attend gyms to improve their muscles, they go running and preform endurance training to improve their stamina, they attend boxing or martial art classes to improve their fighting abilities, they often stop or abstain from bad habits such as smoking or drinking, they begin special diets, they see physio therapists, massage therapists, they they spend many hours reading about their sport, they spend many hours practising their sport, they practice the same fighting moves for weeks and months on end, they practice in the ring with training staff, they study other fighters by watching films, and so on.....

To become a champion you don't JUST stand in a ring and fight, to become a champion takes many months or even years of hard work, practice, effort, understanding, training, preparation.

Asking your girlfriend to HAVE A THREESOME?

Is a bit like asking someone to step inside a fighting ring and be a CHAMPION?

So rather than asking your girlfriend to have a threesome / to explore group sex, you need to step backwards and first focus on the training and preparation. Rather than just asking her to jump into bed with other people, you need to make sure she is ready to jump into bed with other people, that she has the relevant training, understanding, the preparation that is needed.

OKAY SO HOW WOULD YOU DO THIS?

- The best way to achieve this is by increasing sexual subjects in your girlfriends life so that her fears about sex become less of a problem, so she begins to understand sex is okay.

1: SEX TOYS: One of the first things you can do is to BUY a range of sex toys such as blindfolds / sexual ropes / wrist restraints / dildo's / vibrators and use these with your girlfriend on a regular basis. I would advise buying a variety of dildo's / vibrators, some of them very small "Bullet Vibrators" and some of them bigger normal sized vibrators. Buy the better models, do not buy cheap ones, buy good models in various different sizes, small, medium, and large.

Using these toys together will help open your girlfriends mind to "Other Things" been in your sex life together. It is no longer just YOU & HER in bed, now it is YOU, HER AND TOYS. You have added a different option into your sex life. The vibrator you use together now is a representation of another man, it is simulating another man.

Remember if your girlfriend can not use a vibrator / dildo in front of you without been shy or nervous then how do you expect her to have sex with a real man in front of you without been nervous? If she can not use a FAKE PENIS in front of you, how will she ever use a REAL PENIS in front of you?

Make sure your girlfriend has access to these sexual toys at all times, even when your at work, even when your not there. But please remember this is not a QUICK FIX you can not use these toys once or twice and then forget about them. You need to use them on a regular ongoing basis, use them at least once or twice per week for 12 months and keep using them.

2: PORN FILMS: Another good tool to use is porn films, in fact you basically need to become your own porn director.

What does this mean? Well it means YOU watch porn films, you find the porn films that your girlfriend would like to see, you find the porn films that would help your girlfriend, you find the type of porn films that would make your girlfriend feel more comfy about sex, then you download those porn films and watch them with your girlfriend before / during / after sex.

Lets say for example that your girlfriend is a romantic person, she likes soft, slow, romantic sex, then okay find porn films which are slow, passionate, romantic. Preform internet searches for things such as "Romantic Porn / Passionate Porn" do NOT show her hardcore rough porn if that is not what she likes.

If your girlfriend hates ANAL SEX, if your girlfriend really does not like anal sex, then do not show her porn films that include anal sex.

If your girlfriend does not like a man cumming into her mouth, if she is against the idea of a man cumming into her mouth, then do not show her porn films where men cum into the girls mouth.

If your girlfriend is worried about been caught, worried about people finding out, then show her porn films that look safe and secure, do not show her porn films that are made outdoors, in public, or with people watching and taking photos. Instead show her a secure scene, show her a couple having threesome sex in a private bedroom, with the door shut, curtains shut, a private situation.

If you want your girlfriend to explore group sex with another man, then show her films that involve 1 women and 2 men.

If you want your girlfriend to explore group sex with another women, then show her films with 1 man and 2 women.

Remember if your girlfriend can not watch porn films with you, if she can not watch other people having sex on a TV without becoming shy or nervous, then how will she ever have sex with you and other people in real life?

DON'T just pick porn films that show young 20 year old models, instead pick porn films that show older people, bigger people, not as attractive people, show your girlfriend that people of all ages, sizes, backgrounds do have threesomes. You don't need to be a 20 year old stunning porn actress to have a threesome, that anyone can have a threesome.

3: MASSAGE: Another good thing to try is to find the local spars / posh gyms / nice hotels who offer body massage services and book appointments for you and your girlfriend, or even your girlfriend and her best friend. During these massages your girlfriend will have to undress in front of other people, she will then get a massage from a stranger, someone else will touch her, someone else will give her a professional massage. If you do this enough, maybe once a month, once every two months then slowly your girlfriend will get use to the idea of someone else touching her.

The first 2 or 3 times she might be nervous or shy, but if you persist, if you keep booking body massages then sooner or later she will begin to feel more comfy about someone else touching her / seeing her body. I'd suggest trying 3 or 4 different gyms, spars, posh hotels so that over the months a variety of different people give her a massage. Once she has found the place she likes the best then send her there once a month until she becomes more use to been semi naked around other people, and use to someone else touching her.

4: SEMI NAKED SPORTS: Another good thing to do is start a sport / hobby where your girlfriend has to be semi naked around other people. For example swimming requires you to wear a swimming costume, it requires your girlfriend to show off her bare arms, legs, tummy. Joining a gym that has public showers / public changing rooms / swimming pools / hot tubs / often means your girlfriend will be getting undressed, showered around other people this again will get her use to been semi naked around other people.

During this time at the gym / swimming / showering / sharing a hot tub she will see people with better bodies than hers, but also with worse bodies than hers, she will see smaller people, bigger people, older people and will get use to seeing other peoples skin, to seeing other people semi naked. It will help raise her confidence levels.

5: SEXUAL STORIES: Another good way of introducing someone to sexual subjects is to have more sexual literature / sexual stories. For example you could buy a few self help books regarding threesomes and group sex and hide them away with your sex toys. You could print off some literature from the internet about group sex, or even just passionate fun stories / horny sexual stories.

Some years ago now I spent about 2 days searching the internet to find what I called "Positive Swinging Advice" or "Positive Group Sex Advice" I found the top 10 or 15 websites that gave the best positive advice about swinging and threesomes, I printed off all of the good positive advice from other people and let my girlfriend read that. I used literature to give her a more positive view about things.

6: OUTDOOR SEX: Once your girlfriend starts to become a little more open minded about sex inn general then you can perhaps move on to other things, for example you could start showing her porn films where people have threesome sex outside, in the woods, in a field, ect. Either than or YOU can start having sex outside, start been more romantic outside, kiss her in public, hold hands in public, have a picnic in the country and have sex together in the woods or fields. Using porn films begin to show her that sex isn't something that has to be locked away and hidden, show her that people do have sex, do enjoy watching sex, show her films about nudist beaches where everyone is naked ect.

WHERE ARE WE SO FAR?

So far my advice is to work on your girlfriends sexual confidence, to slowly open her mind to different things such as porn / toys / other people touching her / been semi naked around others, but what else can you try to ease your girlfriends worries?

Well.....

1: MEET STRANGERS: Your girlfriend is worried that if you have a threesome with someone then other people will find out, that the other person your having a threesome with will judge her, she is worried about the security and privacy of the situation. In which case it would help if you had a threesome with someone who doesn't know your friends, who doesn't know your family, who doesn't know your lives, who doesn't live too close.

If a person doesn't know your friends, then who can they tell?

If a person doesn't know your family, then who can they tell about your threesome?

If a person doesn't live near you, then how are they going to tell people you know?

Meet someone who doesn't know your life, who doesn't know your friends, family, workplace and it will help you stay more secure.

2: MEET A NEW FRIEND: One thing you could try is simply meeting a new friend, meeting someone that you do not know and becoming friends. Do not introduce them to your other friends, do not introduce them to your family, but instead just hang around with them, share a hobby with them, play games with them, eat, drink, laugh, get your girlfriend use to been around this person even just for a few months. Then once your girlfriend feels comfy around that new person then ask about the subject of a threesome.

A good way of meeting such people is to start a new hobby with your girlfriend, swimming, dance classes, social hobbies, even just going out to clubs can work. The main goal here is not to meet someone to have a threesome with, but simply to meet someone your girlfriend can get to know before having a threesome with them, to take it slow, give your girlfriend time to get to know the person a little.

3: GUILT & RELIGION: This is perhaps a very difficult area to cover. On one hand you do not want to insult / defile your girlfriends religion, but simply remind her that perhaps God intended us to have sex. If God did not intend us to have sex then why did God give us sexual organs?

In all fairness the Bible and most other religious texts have been changed dramatically over the years. We are now living in a world where Christianity accepts gay marriage, we are living in a world where priests are now allowed to get married. Religion is changing and it won't hurt to point out examples of that to your girlfriend.

In the USA there is a Christian church / foundation who believes strongly in group sex, do a internet search for Christians involved in group sex. You will find a lot of religious people have practised group sex, you can even find videos about it on YouTube.

I'd strongly suggest doing a internet search for other people who are interested in swinging but have partners who feel afraid / guilty about it. See what other people have to say, see what other people have done to solve the issue.

I have to go, but hope this has helped or given you some ideas.

Try a club that has options in a safe and open environment. Know that you will most likely never see any of these people again. Let HER lead the way and find her comfort zones. We found that most people at the club we started with are not judgmental and anything can happen but respectful when the "connection" just is not there. Set some rules and be able to change expectations and the rules since you may find yourselves changing. We did and glad that we did.

See/read: 1st post, 1st time WOW.

Religion has done more to screw up peoples minds than anything else (myself included...church three times a week, religious high school, and rather strict religious upbringing). Search Religion and there's several threads that talk about this very subject. Also work on increasing her trust. The second person (after herself) whose opinion matters to her will be you. She needs to KNOW (as in deep down in her soul) that you support her and will back her up (even if that someday means she can't overcome her upbringing and wants to walk away). Take it slow and easy, one step at a time. There's no rush and no pressure. You may even have to take a step backwards every now and then, but that's okay as well. It can be overcome, but it will take trust and time to get there. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

Thanks.

I am not pushing her. I just gets frustrating sometimes if somebody has irrational reactions to reality.

She is not religious. She knows that all of that is medieval superstitions. Its just plain fear of doing what you want in sex. Because of her family who were whore shaming anything and anybody. Shes really beautiful woman and her parent made sure she dont get pregnant in hi-school not by introducing condoms and explaining things, but by introducing ultimate fear and shame by religious and any other means. Worked real good. Almost no sexual experience and boyfriends till 18 years old.

She understands that shes afraid of imaginary, fictional, outdated values. We are slowly going forward to get her free.

I just was hoping that somebody has somehow similar background and how did you moved past that.

This was my wife's biggest fear going into this. Her experience with the men though was so positive that the fear changed pretty quickly. She was afraid of being slut shamed but instead she was constantly praised for her open attitude about sex and how the world would be so great if everyone had her attitude.

The end of several trysts was a talk to my wife about how incredible the experience was for them. She would be close to tears listening to this. Her attitude changed 180 degrees. She started seeing herself as providing a very valuable service.

Does she understand she is not alone in having these desires? Does she want to move from fantasy to reality? Encourage her to read the board about others' experiences.

This is why she needs to be able to trust you completely. She doesn't want to later hear that she is a slut because of anything she could have prevented on her part. Once she trusts you completely, you can then start slowly introducing her to different experiences and see how she reacts and/or enjoys them. One step at a time, this barrier can come down. Just don't try and bulldoze it all at once...just a brick at a time.