Long way to go!

Hello! I have recently joined this site as for quite a few years I was having this fantasy (growing out of my jealously I think) of watching my partner having sex with another man. I wasn't jealous with all my past partners but only for the ones that mattered to me.

Nowadays I have my own family, married for 8 years. My wife (37, me 42), although she has a great sex drive, she has been worn down by the daily routine (work, kids, household etc). All these add up to her conservative character.

However my fantasy is still growing and although I know that here in Greece is (still) a very difficult place to start swinging, I am trying to find a way to bring the subject on the table. She knows me since her early teens as I was older and womanizer... She did have a few experiences with various partners but nothing great! What worries me is that she was always asking me how I was going out with all these girls without feeling for most of them and that for her sex is all about feelings! And this is exactly my worst fear.

How I can open to her that I would love a MFM? I have read a lot in here and although some views match my case I don't think they can help me. The only step towards this direction I have taken is that I booked a weekend at a spa hotel for the two of us without kids after long time! But still there is a long way to go...

Any input is welcome!

I think you are correct in that there is still a long ways to go. As they say, the longest journey starts with the first step though.

I believe you are on the right track with the weekend getaway, not that you are going to bribe her into anything, but that it's hard, actually make that near impossible, to be find time to be thinking about sex, much less swinging, when you are constantly worn out from taking care of the kids, work, etc., etc. So, making her life easier, whether that's by helping out more yourself, or hiring someone to help out if that is an option for you, will start to give her some breathing room to start to feel like a sexual woman again instead of a mom/wife frazzled by trying to keep up with everything, and then maybe you can get to the point of really starting to have open and honest talk about it between yourselves. It doesn't mean that ultimately leads to swinging, because the simple fact is most people aren't cut out for swinging, and that's perfectly ok. But, I guarantee you that if there is a hidden swinger inside her just waiting for the chance to come to the surface, it's never going to happen unless she feels loved, valued, supported, and has enough time/freedom to let herself evolve on her own pace.

Hope that helps.

The first step is to talk with her about this. Easiest way to open this door is to discuss your fantasies and see if she is even interested. The only way to be successful in swinging is to have an abundance of love, trust and communication. Start working on all three and talk. Having a young child around, however, will not make her more receptive since she is currently in 'mom' mode. Realize that it may very well take several years until your child is more self sufficient and she has the chance to catch up with her rest. It will probably take awhile, even if she is receptive, but there's never a better time to start than now. Good luck.

I’m from the UK and have been to Greece about 5 times, in my experience its a really nice country and the Greek people have always been welcoming, friendly, and relaxed towards us which is great.

However my advice would be……

DON’T talk to your wife about this subject yet.

If you ask swingers and people interested in the group sex lifestyle what are the most vital things you need to explore this subject? Then two of the top answers you will see are “Communication” and also “Patience” and in this instance I’d strongly suggest been patient and waiting before rushing in.

You see many swingers who explore this lifestyle will say “COMMUNICATION” is the key, talking to your partner about this is vital, good communication between you and your wife will make this subject work, some people will say communicate, communicate, communicate, that talking to your wife about this subject is the way to succeed.

However let me ask you…..

What good is communication if you don’t really understand what your communicating about?

What good is communication if your partner is not actually ready to communicate about that subject?

Okay so lets look at “PATIENCE” the option of been patient and waiting?

Well patience give you a chance to study this subject more, to find the answers you will need, to research how, where, when this lifestyle happens. Patience will give you time to formulate a solid plan, it will give you time to figure out how your going to speak with your partner, how you are going to communicate with your partner, and trust me that is not a bad thing.

In this lifestyle been patient plays a huge roll in things, for example it can often take months or even years worth of communication between a couple to settle this subject between them. It can often takes months or even years to research this subject, to find the answers to the questions you have, it can also take many months or even years to meet someone you feel comfy enough with to fully explore the subject of group sex with, the entire process can take a long time and been patient plays a big role in this lifestyle.

In my experience of group sex I have seen / heard a lot of men rushing in head first and asking their wives to consider this subject? They run into communicating without really knowing what they are communicating about, for example:

They do not know their reasons for wanting to explore this subject.

They do not know what they hope to gain by exploring this subject.

They do not fully understand the risks attached to this subject.

They do not know who they would like to explore this subject with.

They do not understand the fears their partner may have about this subject.

They do not know where they plan to explore this subject.

They do not have any ground rules or boundaries figured out.

They have spent very little time thinking of safety precautions.

They do not understand the changes they make have to make to their lifestyles.

They do not really know how to meet other people interested in this subject.

The list goes on……..

They then ask their wife / girlfriend about this subject and come over as a sex crazed idiot who doesn’t really know what they are talking about which often puts the women straight off this subject and make her view the entire subject as a silly dangerous unplanned idea.

NOW as it stands your in a good position, you haven’t asked your wife, you haven’t rush in a made lots of mistakes, you have not shocked your wife by asking her about this subject, so for now I’d suggest been patient and entering into a phase I like to call….

PREPARING YOUR LIFE AND YOUR PARTNER TO COMMUNICATE ABOUT GROUP SEX:

For what its worth here is my advice:

1: Understand It May Never Happen: The first thing I’d ask you to understand is that your wife might not like this idea at all. Your wife might be dead against this idea and she might say “NO” and might never want to explore this subject. That actually your partner might respect you / your relationship / your family / your future too much to put that in danger by sleeping with other people.

My suggestion is that you do NOT build this fantasy up in your own mind, do not give your dreams and hopes to this fantasy or else it will hurt you a lot more if your wife says “NO WAY” so please understand no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter what you try there is a good chance your wife will say no. The best way to avoid that is simply by learning what your asking, learning about this lifestyle, having direct good information to speak with your partner about, having the correct answers to the worries and fears she will experience about this subject.

They often say “Preparation is half the battle won” that been prepared makes things a lot easier on everyone involved which is why I’d suggest been patient and taking this time to prepare.

2: Swinging Starts At Home: Secondly I’d ask you to understand that swinging / group sex isn’t just about inviting someone else to have to sex with you. In fact some of the most successful people who enjoy the swinging lifestyle are those couples who have taken care of their relationship and life at home long before trying swinging.

Lets look at this logically….

IF your wife is feeling tired / stressed / over worked / under appreciated / if she is feeling down / feeling depressed / constantly worrying about money / constantly worrying about the home / that she gets very little time to rest and relax / that she often feels bored or worn out by the every day grind of her life / that for some years she has wanted to decorate the house again / that she is worried about friends or family members / that at times she feels sad and overwhelmed.

Then how do you think she is going to react when you ask her to consider swinging?

My honest guess is that she will not react very good, she will view the suggestion as more stress, more pressure, she will view it as a difficult task that requires even more time thinking about.

Okay, so lets turn that upside down.

If you partner is feeling happy / relaxed / excited / cared about / that problems with the house have been solved / that for now problems with money have been solved / that your partners health and the health of her friends and family is good / that she does have time to relax and unwind / that she perhaps has a freshly decorated house / new hobbies to explore / that her life of late has been filled with positive energy / that you and your partner have been getting on well with no arguments or stress / that your partner feels loved and secure in your relationship.

Then how do you think she will react when you ask to consider group sex?

In my opinion there will be a much higher chance of her saying yes or viewing the suggestion as been exciting or positive.

How Can You Make This Happen?

Well the key point it to make things better at home, and better for your partner, so.

- Take The Pressure Off Your Partner: If your partner always washes the clothes then once or twice a week YOU wash the clothes instead so your partner can have a break and relax instead. If your partner always cooks the food, then once or twice a week YOU cook the food instead so your partner can rest and relax instead. If your partner always cleans and vacuums your home, then once or twice a week YOU complete these tasks instead to take pressure off your partner. If your partner always washes the dishes after food, then once or twice a week YOU wash the dishes instead, this will allow your partner to rest and relax more, will free up your partners mind and lower stress levels.

- Do Up The House: If your partner has issues with the house you live in, maybe your partner really doesn’t like the kitchen, maybe your partner has been asking to redecorate the bathroom for sometime now, maybe your bedroom looks cluttered, old, tatty, not as nice as it once was. Then don’t be lazy but instead solve those problems, re-paint the entire house if needed, buy new carpets if needed, aim to make a cleaner, nicer, better looking and safer house for your partner and again this will help create a lot of positive thoughts and feelings in your partners mind, show your partner than you can change things to make them even better.

- Let You Partner Talk: In life we often need people to talk with, someone to listen about our bad days at work, some people would call this “Venting” letting off steam, that just having someone to listen to you can make you feel better and more secure in yourself. So yes it might be boring as hell, it might even be stressful, but let your partner talk at you, let them ramble, let them off load their thoughts and baggage, ask them how their day at work has been, and each time they off load their feelings and thoughts the better they will feel about themselves and about you.

- Make Your Partner Feel Appreciated: Okay maybe your wife has been cooking your meals for the last 10 years, maybe she does clean the house every week, maybe she works really hard at work. However do you make her feel appreciated for all of those things. Make sure to say thank you for the things she does, make sure to buy her the odd special gift or nice food, make sure to let her know that her love, loyalty, efforts are all appreciated.

- Take Your Partner Out: It doesn’t matter if you take your partner for a drink, meal, walk, day trip, often escaping from the house is a very welcome break that will allow your partner to focus their minds on something else but work, something else but the house, something else other than the problems you face in life. You could even arrange a “Date Night” where once every few weeks you go out somewhere together.

This list could continue, but the point is if your partner is happy, secure, relaxed with your home life and with your relationship together then your partner will have a much more open mind about trying new things with you, new things such as group sex / threesome sex.

3: Study: By all means spend more time studying this subject, read these forums, read what other people have experienced, read the good parts and the bad parts of this lifestyle.

When you finally ask your partner to consider trying group sex with you then more than likely your partner will have a lot of questions and a lot of fears regarding this subject, been able to answer those questions and fears using real knowledge and direct responses will put their mind at ease a little.

When you first ask someone to consider a threesome with you the list of questions and worries in their mind can be very long indeed, some of the questions that instantly spring to your partners mind could be things like:

- You want to have sex with other people, why am I not good enough for you?

- If we had sex with someone else you would end up leaving me?

- Isn’t a threesome just cheating?

- Where would we have sex with someone else?

- Who would we meet to have sex with?

- What would you expect me to do?

- I’d not be good enough sexually?

- My body wouldn’t be good enough?

- I’m not good enough in bed for that?

- What of this other person tries to steal you, or tried to make you leave me?

- What if you or me got jealous of this other person?

- What would happen if our family or friends found out about this?

- How would we meet someone to do this with?

- You want to share our love, share our relationship with someone else?

- Why do you want to do this?

- What are you hoping to gain by doing this?

- What about diseases or sexual infections?

- What about the risk of pregnancy?

Again this list could go on and on……

It is not uncommon for someone to have a LOT of questions and fears about this subject when they first get asked to consider it. The way you can combat this is simply by studying, planning, thinking, figuring out what questions worries and fears your partner might have about this subject and having the correct answers waiting, that knowledge about this subject is power.

Like stated above a lot of people rush into asking their partners, they rush in with hardly any knowledge, hardly any answers, and they end up looking like a sex crazed cheating idiot who only cares about sex and their partner does not react well to that.

One of the keys things I have found is not only having the clear and direct answers to your partners questions and fears, but also to let your partner know that no one is expecting them to be a porn star. No one is expecting them to be a super model, that the vast majority of people who do explore group sex are just everyday normal people like you or me.

That actually people who explore group sex are just human beings, they make mistakes, they sometimes pass wind, they sometimes sneeze, they sometimes make a fool of themselves, they also get tired from work, they also have worries, problems, money issues. No one is expecting your partner to be a sexual guru or porn star, just a normal everyday person with issues is fine.

4: Your Sex Life: One of the ways to prepare your partner to be asked about group sex is to make your own sex life better and more exciting, you can achieve this in various ways:

- Talk more about your own sex lives together, show your partner they are able to speak with you about naughty sexual things.

- Buy your partner some new sexy underwear to use in the bedroom.

- Have sex outside, I’m not talking about public sex with people watching, I’m talking about fun outdoor sex in the woods, in the fields, on the beach.

- Have sex in different rooms of the house, don’t just have sex in the same bedroom, have sex in the living room, have sex in the kitchen.

- Increase the amount of foreplay time you have, play with your partner more, give oral sex to your partner more, try different sexual positions.

- Try sensual massage, use massage oils, burn incense sticks, try creating a more relaxed romantic atmosphere, play nice music, dim the lights.

The overall idea is to get your partner thinking differently about having sex with you, to get your partners mind to open up to new possibilities, new sexual positions, new places to have sex, new experiences. To show your partner that sex with you can involve different things.

5: Sex Toys: If your wife can not use a sex toy in front of you such as a vibrator / dildo then how do you ever expect her to feel comfy with another man shoving his penis inside her with you there? If your wife can put a fake penis inside of herself with you there, how will she ever put a real penis inside of her with you there watching?

My suggestion is to order a variety of sex toys, order a blindfold, sexual rope, wrist restraints, and a variety of vibrators / dildo’s. When your buying these vibrators / dildo’s make sure you buy at least one very small “Bullet Vibrator” and some different sized ones as well. Basically buy some small ones and some bigger ones, buy at least 4 or 5 different ones and DON’T buy cheap ones either, in many cases you will see cheap vibrators packs, instead by the better more expensive ones.

Get your partner use to using these toys with you, and even without you. These sex toys don’t just add to your own sex life, don’t just get your partner to become more open minded, but they are basically acting as another person. For now the vibrator / dildo that you are using is very much like the other man you want to have a threesome with, for now its a replacement person. It represent something else, someone else been in your sex life.

6: Threesome Porn: This can be a little difficult to arrange, but again if your partner can not watch someone else having sex on a TV then how do you expect your partner to have sex with you and someone else in real life? My suggestion is that you get a TV / DVD player for the bedroom, or a computer with a large enough screen and that you watch porn together.

This means YOU can find porn films that are specifically suited to you want you desire. For example if you want your partner to try threesomes with other men, then pick porn films where there is 2 men and 1 women. If you want your partner to explore with you and other women pick porn films where there is 2 women and 1 man.

However you need to be careful at this stage, remember some threesome porn films are fairly scary / hardcore / brutal and you don’t want to put your partner off this idea. For example if your partner does not like rough sex, then don’t get porn films that involve rough sex. If your partner does not like anal sex, try and avoid porn films that show anal sex, if your partner does not like male cum in their mouth, try and avoid porn films that show male cum in peoples mouths.

At first you may consider doing a search for “Romantic Threesomes / Passionate Threesomes” films that show very normal, easy, nice sexual scenes. What some people might call soft porn. Show your partner that their can be a nice romantic side to threesomes, then if your partner is okay with such porn films, once your partner has got use to such porn films you can then move onto the harder porn films that due show more hardcore action.

Yes this might take some time, it might mean you searching online for appropriate threesome films, you might have to learn how to download these films, how to copy them to a CD. You can even learn how to edit your own films, Windows on a PC generally has video editing software that is fairly easy to use. However this means you can make tailor made videos for you to watch as a couple, with scenes and images that will make your partner feel more comfy about this idea.

It also might help if you find certain porn films where the porn actors involved are actually worse looking that your partner, older than your partner, fatter than your partner, have smaller breasts than your partner. Show your partner than people of all shapes and sizes do explore sexually, that your partners body is better than some of these people staring in porn films. Try to avoid porn films that have 20 year old models in them with perfect bodies, try and avoid porn films that would make your partner feel insecure, jealous, scared ect.

OVERALL.

I better shut up because I have typed more than enough.

But if you can open up your partners mind to new things, if you can use sex toys, porn films, and get your partner use to see that then it will be a lot easier to ask them about group sex after that.

Remember make your life with your partner good, make your partner feel respected, happy, relaxed, give your partner some free time, help your partner with the house work, open your partner mind to different sexual possibilities, wait until your partner is in a good relaxed mood, wait until your partner has had a good 3 or 4 weeks, wait until your partner is well rested, not stressed and then ask about group sex, be patient and pick the right time to ask your partner.