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  1. #1

    Default Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    Sigh. I have come across so many posts describing men that have struggled for years to entice their wives or girlfriends.
    So when my partner recently commented that "he doesn't want another guy marking his territory", well- I found myself a little stuck as I haven't come across this response in any of the articles I have read.
    He isn't completely disinterested. There have been times when he has been jazzed at the idea.
    Nor do his concerns present as insecure, fearful or suggest an aggressive, worrisome sort of dominance.
    Just simple.
    Matter of fact-like.
    As this territorial concept seems to have become more and more rigid I find myself at a bit of a loss.
    I have consistently read that communication is the key to living this lifestyle. But also never wanting to coerce, pressure or verbally manipulate your partner into doing something they aren't ready for.
    Any suggestions on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated

  2. #2

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    My wife and I keep talking about visiting our first swingers club. We have also discussed that if the right opportunity arose in life, we would both be OK sharing each other with another couple as an experiment.

    My wife is younger, social/flirty, gorgeous, but completely devoted to me and I know that. The fact that I am so sure about the strength of our relationship, allows me to feel comfortable with her experiencing any fantasy she has, as long as it is not behind my back (she feels the same). Also, there are no secrets....ever.

    As a man, there are rules that I would insist on. First, if I share my wife, that person has to be highly respectful of both myself and my wife. I doubt this would be a problem because neither of us can tolerate egos or assholes. Second, any man that would be with my wife, would need to know that I am an alpha male, not a cuckhold. The way I see it, I have been blessed to be with this gorgeous person for 7 years, why not let somebody else that is a good person enjoy her for a special event if she is OK with it. Also, if we share with others, it would need to be in the same room, at least at first (we both insist upon that).

    I do not think that most men are both confident in themselves and confident in their relationships. I think in order for this to work for you, your husband would probably have to be both. The biggest problem that I would have sharing my wife would be with a guy who is disrespectful. Other than that, I think that I would (or will) be fine with that. I would bet that is true of most husbands.

    Anyway, I thought I would write as we are still in the "thinking about it" mode and this is from the perspective of a guy that is OK with moving forward, under the right conditions.


  3. #3

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    If he really feels this way then there's probably nothing you can do. But if you found a couple with a husband your husband likes and trusts and that other husband had a wife your husband thinks is hot, well he just might change his mind under the right circumstances. But make darn sure that anything that happens is your husband's idea and he and the other wife play first.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    I felt the exact same way your husband feels for most of our marriage. "Marking his territory" is probably his way of saying "I am not good enough for you, you will leave me for him" There isn't a way to magically make him feel secure with you. Pushing a swinging agenda will only reinforce his feelings. He has to gain the security in the marriage.
    Many marriages have one partner that would love to be a swinger. Almost every one never gets past the initial conversation, if that even takes place. It may be a little unusual for your situation since it's almost always the husband that is looking for this, not different though. Be careful, for his sake,

  5. #5

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    Love trust communication. One (or more) needs to be made stronger. We both KNOW that we are going to be together no matter what...not think, not hope, KNOW. Neither of us are going anywhere. There isn't anyone good enough in bed to lure us away (in fact, we have both learned new 'tricks' from others that did things differently and shared them with our partner). Since he is interested, there's still a chance for you both. He just needs to KNOW that you are forever, and that comes from love, trust and communication (there's never too much of any of the three). Work on them and the worst thing that can happen is your relationship grows. Maybe some day he will be ready, but don't rush or pressure him (always move at the speed the slowest person is comfortable with). This isn't a race, it's just play, fun, excitement, whatever, but it is not going to fix any problems that may exist. This will never be more important than US. Good luck and let us know how things progress.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  6. #6

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    i have seen many posts and talked to many guys that just do not want to "share" there partner - i do think as well it comes from a deep if UN-acknowledged fear of not being as good as what you will find if he agree's to swing.

    Now that may not be how you think but some guys just think Oh crap what i see she is really saying is that i don't please her like she wants and now she's looking else where. once again you may not think that.

    So if you ever want to go forward then you need to go backwards 1st - find the problems - it could be he thinks a wife does not act that way or crap i'm a bad screw ( there could be many reasons you need to find them in a loving way )

    While your man may not say why lets face it - the world today tell both women and men that they are no good at sex and need a pill or to get bigger tits,dicks and god knows what, and if you don't then how can you please your partner - this says to those that get worried about it that they do not messure up and then along comes there partner and says hey we should try swinging lol. Once agian this may not be how you see it but it's hard on some one that lets this kind of crap into there thinking.

    You and him are doing nothing wrong so just take time and build each other up and take GoldCoCouple advice as it is the truth of the matter.

    Good luck we hope it goes well.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    Even if you know you are solid in your relationship there can still be many insecurities, knowing your partner is going to be with someone new. The first time I seen my wife with another man, I felt sick to my stomach, and I was the one that encouraged it to begin with. Even now, I still don't enjoy watching or knowing she is with another guy. For me it was the 'my property' mentality that was the biggest hangup with sharing her. It is the passion we feel and the 'reclaiming' of her that is the big turn on for both of us.

    I am very confident in my abilities, so it wasn't a fear that she was going to find someone better at sex then me. If I didn't have that confidence, there is no way I could have shared her in the first place. I'm a very competitive person, and the lifestyle has made me "up my game" especially after seeing her get fucked good a few times.

    The insecurities can be real. It's a big step that shouldn't be pushed upon someone or taken lightly.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    I was a husband who was on the fence. Our first was with friends. I would recommend if you have friends who are of a like mind it can be a great experience. That being said I felt hurt that my wife and friends conspired to get me to go along with doing this. I just wanted to watch the wives play and more thought of my playing. I was afraid of watching her with another man. I have replayed seeing my wife with our friend in my head and I am just happy we got past the first time. My suggestion is to talk it out. You need to be in agreement.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    As in everything... communicate. When he says he doesn't want another guy to "mark" his territory, that actually could mean a few different things. My SO and I have had this discussion in detail, for similar reasons (I'm more excited/comfortable with the idea of swinging, he wants to do it but is also more hesitant). For us, the concept of "marking" plays a role, but we both define it in a very physical sense... it's not the sex acts that leave a mark, but rather the guy's cum if left behind in/on my body. Both of us feel like that's "marking," and we're not comfortable with it because of that. So we set our boundaries. No one cums in my mouth except my SO... no one cums on my body except my SO... and for vag sex, condoms are required anyway, so even if a guy cums in me, it's in the condom and nothing is left behind.

    The thing is, though, people often realize that something bothers them, but they honestly don't know exactly why it bothers them until they are pushed to have a conversation that teases out all those tiny little threads. Your SO may be bothered by another guy's cum in/on you, but not even realize that is the part that actually bothers him... he just thinks the whole thing bothers him. Or, he may really be bugging about the whole thing, it's entirely possible. But communicating about it can help clarify just what it is that's bugging him, and then maybe you can find a way to set your boundaries and rules to address his concerns.

  10. #10

    Default Re: Female Excited, Male Partner On The Fence?

    I am very confident in my abilities, so it wasn't a fear that she was going to find someone better at sex then me. If I didn't have that confidence, there is no way I could have shared her in the first place. I'm a very competitive person, and the lifestyle has made me "up my game" especially after seeing her get fucked good a few times.

    I'm curious about your comment regarding "up my game" and "seeing her get fucked good." What exactly did you do to up your game and what was different or special about getting fucked good?
    Cigarettes and squirrels are harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

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