Your start as well as boundries now and then.

We are hoping this thread could be used for swing origin stories. If there is already a thread like this please let us know.

Where you started and how you dealt with feeling. What you limits were and how they've changed.

It may be alot to ask but it would be helpful to know how long you were together before swing and how long you've been doing it.

Possibly some horror stories if you like. Anyone lost a relationship?

We found this site while trying to get our act together. We both want to try but like many are having trouble with that first step. Hoping others stories could help us understand where to start.

We had been dating for less than a year when we started but note that this was the 2nd time around for both of us; I was a widow and had been divorced for about 5 years after 20+ years of marriage. The topic hadn’t been discussed at all until a couple we met at a resort raised the issue for us with an invitation. We talked and found that both of us had some interests in exploring the possibilities and we both had some fears. My biggest concern was that the other woman was bi and thought of bi activity with another woman was very foreign to me. So,through our discussion, we were able to agree that if we ever did this, I would want to start with MFM rather than another couple. That opportunity came about 3 months later. After a few, then we added swaps and expanded accordingly along our trip. The no bi rule has remained. The absolute on condoms has loosened a great deal but is still a general policy. The no anal rule with other men, I wanted to drop that because I wanted to try the intensity of DP. We have stuck with always together, no hot wife dating type of thing. He may not be participating but is always on site with me. No horror stories, its all been good. He says and I agree that I am much more sexually confident since we started and I would say its all made me much more confident in dealing with men even in a business environment.

First off let me say hello, DoubleTeam, and welcome to SwingersBoard!

I can't point to a particular other thread where all your questions have been answered. Your excellent list of issues have inputs and valuable contributions scattered throughout many different forums here! I hope you get some good comments here of course, but I also encourage you to poke around the forums.

The Mrs and I have known each other for 38 years, and have been married for almost 23 of those years. About two and a half years ago, the Mrs and I started watching a reality TV show on Playboy TV called Swing. On the show each week, a newbie couple has their first lifestyle experience, spending a couple of days in a house with a half-dozen experienced swinger couples. That show is generally a great model of the best of swinger behavior and attitudes, and really opened our eyes to the realities of swinging. We enjoyed the show, and would often talk about the situation of the newbie couples. At one point, and we cannot remember which one of us said this, the question changed from, "how do you think that newbie couple will do?" to "how do you think we would do in that situation?" We both reacted positively to the notion!

At that point, we were off to the races- I started researching lifestyle things on the Internet (including, by the way, finding an excellent information and discussion resource- SwingersBoard!), we booked ourselves at the lifestyle resort for five months hence, and I signed us up on SLS. We heard from many interesting couples, and also heard about a group in our area that runs meet-and-greets. We attended, and got a continued good, comfortable feeling from the people we met there.

We also began meeting individual couples for dinner. After one of those dinners, we liked the couple so much that we decided to ask them for a second "date". This turned out to be our first play date- a full swap with a wonderful, experienced couple in their home.

I forgot to mention rules and limits. Like many couples, our limits have decreased over time, as we gained comfort and confidence. We have been a full swap couple from the start, but we began with a same-room rule. That went by the wayside after our first play date, as we discussed with our more experienced friends the merits of playing in separate room.

We've been having a great time since then! I hope it works out well for you as well.

My wife and I had a start easier than most but I will tell you something about it that I believe might help. We'd both heard about swinging. But what we thought we understood was all wrong. The big ah-ha moment for us was that swingers were not jet-set people who resembled movie stars. This encouraged us. We created on-line profiles at swingers Web sites. Took a year but it finally paid off. But here's the thing. We both had a pretty firm feeling that it would be something fun to do. That allowed us the endure the one-line foolishness and reach a goal.

Have you both decided that this will be something good for you?

Wow, so many stories...

My wife and I never considered ourselves monogamous, but it took us a while to the hang of it.

There was the party where my wife ended up sitting around in her underwear, for no particularly good reason, and which very nearly turned into group sex with me, my wife, my ex-girlfriend, her girlfriend and her crush... but instead my wife and I left. It wasn't until we were halfway home that we realized that we both would totally have gone for it, but we'd left because we each thought the other wanted to. We went back, but it was too late. The mood had been lost.

There was the party where I ended out making out with a nice young lady while my wife, the young lady's boyfriend and basically everyone else watched. The young lady and her boyfriend described themselves as polyamorous (first time I'd heard the term) and we all kind of hit it off. Never went anywhere beyond heavy petting for a variety of reasons and didn't work out in the end.

There was a first visit to a swingers club shortly thereafter (internet research on poly had led to research on swinging which, after some talking, led to a trip to a local club). No clue what we were doing, what our rules where or what we wanted. Like the party with my ex, a lot of "but I thought you wanted/didn't want to..."

Eventually, we got the hint and started talking. We figured out our basic rules, goals and desires and we've been learning and growing ever since.

Thanks to everyone for the responses.

Have you both decided that this will be something good for you?

No, it isn't. It is something we both have interest in but are worried about hurting what we have built together. That is why we are trying to learn all we can beforehand.

Emotional issues abound.

What if its better with someone else?

What if you fall in love?

What if, what if what if...

Dealing with other emotional beings in one of their most primal/enlighted states is not something to take on lightly.

At some point you just have to jump in or go home I guess.

Double Team, yes, eventually you have to fish or cut bait.

Before you get started, find out what each of you are interested in, and what you're worried about. Make 'rules' that are the most restrictive you dan. (For example, let's suppose that he would love to see the wife with a man, but he's worried that he'll go bananas if the other man actually puts it in. Voila! You're both soft swap for now.)

Eventually, the guy will find out that either a) he doesn't mind that the woman goes all the way, or b) he finds he's really jealous. Once the couple figures out what's what, they can then talk about expanding or tightening the rule.

What if it's better with someone else?

The greater the number of people you encounter, the greater that chance of that happening. Given time, it is a virtual certainty. The feelings of inferiority soon fade.

What if you fall in love?

The chance of this happening diminished with your chronological age.

What if, what if what if...

What if the Earth was struck by an asteroid?

DoubleTeam:

It's great that you are both taking this so seriously. We were the same as you are...what if? It's a Pandora's box that once open cannot be reclosed. Take your time deciding, and, if you both decide to proceed, set your rules and boundaries (we started with just same room sex with no cross play and proceeded slowly from there) and stick to them. If you decide not to proceed, think about how much stronger your relationship is for even being able to THINK about going here. 95% of the people never even get to the talking about stage.

What if its better with someone else?

It might very well be...but even the best sex isn't as good as making love with your partner. It IS really fun and exciting, but I don't know of anyone who ended a relationship because the sex was better with someone else. It's almost like saying someone else is a better cook. There are plenty of great cooks out there, just take what you learn from them and teach your partner what you learned.

What if you fall in love?

We are already in love with each other. We don't allow either guy to communicate directly with the other woman to help prevent this, but if you love each other and this is just something that you two do together as a team, then you usually aren't looking to find love. If you have a great relationship, then this is rarely a problem.

What if, what if what if...

Great question...only the two of you can answer. If you decide to move forward, take small steps. Start off slow and see how it goes, talk about it, and then decide if you want to go further. No need to jump into the deep end of the pool, there IS a shallow end and you can always turn around and go back. Whatever you both decide is exactly what you need to do. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

What if its better with someone else?

I had a friends with benefits who totally rocked my world. Our sexual interests were very compatible, moreso than my wife and I. Really, we had fantastic sex. It didn't change the fact that I loved my wife and wanted to continue spending the rest of my life with her. Good sex, even amazingly great sex, is just that... sex.

What if you fall in love?

Did that too. Ended badly. Didn't actually change how I felt about my wife in any way. Falling in love... it's literally chemical. It's intoxicating and a bit addictive. The trick is remembering that that neurochemical rush is nothing more or less than your body's way of saying "have more sex, make babies, perpetuate your genes." Remember "falling in love" and "loving someone" are completely different emotions. I can fall in love with women I meet on the bus but I love my wife.

What if, what if what if...

All good questions... fear is healthy, but at a certain point you have to decide. If the fear of the dangers is greater than the desire for the benefits, don't do it. You don't have to. Swinging isn't for everyone. It probably isn't even for most people. If it's a good idea for you, you'll know it. If it's not, you'll know that too.

In my experience, we actually make the decision we're going to make in the first few seconds of being presented with the idea or opportunity. We then spend anything from minutes to years second guessing ourselves - trying to justify that decision or deny it or simply make sense out of it. That isn't a bad thing, but in the end we need to own up to decision we made in those first few seconds, either embrace it or reject it, and deal with the consequences.

You are looking for a lot of information but I just wanted to say that our first experience was not planned and there were no limits. We had only been together for about a year, not married.

We started while on a vacation. Not planned. I would say no boundaries were discussed. And we still don't discuss boundaries

When we first met, there were no boundaries per se because, I guess, we were friends with benefits who were pretending we weren't falling for each other. We talked openly about our situations, other partners fell off the radar, and aside from a fun night watching her give head in the back of the car, we eventually settled into the obvious, that we were deeply in love and seeing each other exclusively. That took everything off the table by default, without specific discussion.

Fast forward some years, we started visiting the topic in bed. I always knew that it turned me on, and wanting to watch her suck cock again was a recurring theme. We started exploring some scenarios in conversation, settled on loosening up some boundaries about things like encouraging her to flirt, dress more provocatively, or go topless when we're out of town, which escalated a few times to some touching and kissing on the dance floor but she would shut herself down there. Not so much because of "what ifs" about us but because it just felt like something she wasn't supposed to do.

We've been over all the "what ifs" ad nauseum. At some point, it's just talk, and as others said, you have to just go see for yourself. The club scene seemed a little too intimidating to her, but she was receptive to it as a way in: we kept picking clubs that looked promising in cities we'd visit, then never follow through. We finally pulled the trigger when a female friend she trusted invited us, resolving to at least hang out and see what their little party was like, and to talk before we crossed the existing boundaries about "very soft" play. She was intimidated at first but ended up getting her first "spitroast" with me behind her, and we met the inviting couple again the following night and did our first full swap.

The "what ifs" are all designed to prevent you from screwing up a good thing. Taken too far, they'll keep you away from good things, too. You guys are the only ones who can decide what you actually want to do, but if you both agree that it sounds like fun as a couple (as opposed to with selfish agendas), that seems like a good sign. I knew for certain going in that oral was a non-issue to me, she wasn't sure how she'd feel but she could see how it could be sexy for me to receive from another woman. Somewhere in there we had to own that whatever happens happens and sex is just sex and if we don't like how it makes us feel, we don't ever have to do it again.

We'd like to do it again.

New to swinging but my potential boyfriend has been in the lifestyle for years. We actually went to a club on our first date. He asked me at dinner if I would be interested. Well it was great and I was comfortable.

Now he seems to really want a relationship with me is that normal. What should I expect.

He explained I would always be first and he will take his time with me.

Can a lasting relationship start this way?