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Question about safety

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Hi there,

This is my first time here. My husband and I have become mildly interested in going to a sex club, not necessarily to have sex with other people right off the bat, but just to see what all goes on and if it is something we would like to indulge in. If we go a couple times and decide to indulge, then I have one HUGE issue--I am terrified of getting a disease. I know that condoms are usually provided for and you should always bring your own anyway, but I really don't know how this works, especially when multiple people might be involved? My second husband (we didn't swing) gave me an STD that was thankfully something cured with antibiotics, so I am really afraid of something happening again and it being something I can't get rid of. I was married to him for 25 years and went straight from #2 to #3 so I really don't have any experience with condom usage, when one should be used, etc. I've pretty much been married since before AIDS was prevalent. Anyways, I'm not trying to be rude, but this is a big concern of mine. Other than that, I am super open to most anything.

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First of all, WELCOME TO Swingersboard.

 

My experience with clubs is that the people who consistently use condoms are a minority. But they are not considered out-of-line for using them. Your concerns about STIs are well founded. No form of protection guards against all health hazards. Not long after first starting I learned that I had HPV and withdrew from the lifestyle for a while. Condoms do not guard against things like HPV so you really do have to ask yourself how you might feel if something happened.

 

Going to a Swingers' Club party having no plan for sex is a good way to start. You will gain a feeling for what it is all about. Oh, and do avoid calling it a sex club. Swing Club is now the conventional description.

 

And good luck.

 

~Michael

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One of our non-negotiable rules when swinging is that condoms are an absolute requirement. I will always wear one with a women and my wife always requires men to wear one for penetration. While a couple of guys have looked disappointed and at least one woman has insisted that it wasn't necessary, we've politely but firmly stuck to our guns. No one has ever refused us on this.

 

Ideally speaking, condoms should be used for any sort of sexual contact (including oral sex) but in my experience most people only use them during vaginal or anal penetration. However, if you are really concerned about disease, you may require them for oral. (A trick one lady I know had, which you might want to practice with your husband, is unrolling a condom over a man's penis with your mouth... it definitely throws the whole "condoms kill the mood" concept out the window.) Always make sure a condom is completely on, rolled down to the base of the man's penis. Condoms may tend to "shift in use" especially as a man's erection may fade and return during extended play, so it never hurts to check and make sure it's still on properly (I had one partner whose vaginal muscles tended to pull condoms off when she climaxed... we had to pause and reset it every once in a while). If you having sex with multiple partners, switching condoms between partners is recommended. I've seen guys change out condoms frequently even having sex with only one woman. Nothing wrong with using several during a play session. Invest in a value pack at the pharmacy and you'll be good. Finally, remember that condoms are not 100% effective but, truthfully, nothing is 100% effective.

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If we go a couple times and decide to indulge, then I have one HUGE issue--I am terrified of getting a disease...Anyways, I'm not trying to be rude, but this is a big concern of mine.

 

You and Mrs. EastInWest both.

 

We're hardly authorities, we've only recently indulged after years of being all talk, but early on we decided that neither of us had ever used condoms for oral, and we weren't about to start now. I second what Lionheart said.

 

I think the statistics support that condom use for vaginal/anal penetration, combined with good judgment (hygienic, sane partners who demonstrate good judgment themselves) is reasonably safe. With that said, STIs are real. HIV is among the less prevalent, especially among heterosexuals who do not use intravenous drugs. If we got the impression that a potential partner had a drug problem or seemed to expect to have unprotected intercourse with someone they'd just met, we'd probably not be doing anything at all with that person, condoms or not.

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First off, welcome to the site!

 

Condoms significantly reduce the risk, key word there being reduce. Nothing is 100% foolproof other than total abstinence. I hope you don't consider this too forward or take it the wrong way, but you went through a really bad deal with your former husband, and I'm sure that is something that will be on your mind for a long time. But, you have remained sexually active and remarried, knowing the same thing could happen again. Not making any insinuations against anyone at all, just saying that unless someone totally abstains from sex, it can happen. I expect though that when you balance out the love you have for your husband and the relationship you share, when you decided to enter into that relationship the benefits you saw there far outweighed any thoughts of that you were putting yourself back into a place where it theoretically could happen again. That's kind of how most swingers look at it I think...from a strictly analytical standpoint they understand they are putting themselves in a place where it could happen, but after having assessed the risks and taking whatever steps they feel appropriate to reduce it to the level they are comfortable with, in the end they feel the positives outweigh the negatives. Nothing is totally risk-free, nothing fun anyways :)

 

I think swinging is like a lot of things when it comes to perception of risk. Leading up to it and when first starting out, you overplay the risk. Once you've done something a while and are sort of in the middle, that's when I think your risk assessment is most accurate. Then after you've done something a good long while with no issues at all, then you start downplaying the risk. Just human nature I guess.

 

Condoms and oral...I'll pass. Everyone is different and certainly entitled to their own opinions, but if I'm worried about something that much, then I'll just go the abstinence route and not do it thereby avoiding the risk all together.

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. . . If you having sex with multiple partners, switching condoms between partners is recommended. . .
Very good advice.

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We sometimes insist on condoms and other times we don't, but we are always respectful of other playmates who insist on condoms. And I believe any partner worthy of playing will do the same. Don't feel awkward telling your play partners to put on a condom. I like to get that right off the bat and let that be known in the beginning, but I've also said it after giving oral without a condom that he needs to put on a condom if he wants intercourse. But like others have already said, condoms don't prevent all STDs and nothing is 100%.

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Your second husband was cheating...keeping secrets and doing things he shouldn't be doing with people he shouldn't be doing it with. Swingers are mostly couples doing this together and nobody wants to come home with anything they didn't expect. There's no secrets or sneaking around. IF a couple (or person) ends up with 'something', word usually gets around rather quickly since everyone shares the same concern. Condoms are just an additional insurance policy. While things do happen, it is usually very rare, but still using that ounce of prevention adds a larger buffer to mitigate any risk.

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