Would like to swing, but wife not so sure

Wow, lots to read here. I thought I would post just in case there is more info out there that someone can give on this topic that has been beaten to death 4 times already.

My wife and I have been together for 20 years (we are both early 40s). We are both each other's first. Sex was pretty vanilla for the middle of those years, but last year started to play with toys, and have tried quite a few. Anal sex was always on my radar, and since she has taken to watching pornhub, she tried it and ended up liking it. Experimented with DP, and I love it - she also likes it, but not as much as I, I think.

Never thought of wife sharing before, but damn those porn videos, it does turn me on. Talking about it as a fantasy also turns her on.

However ... I would like to move on from fantasy and really do it. I have already told here that I would like to have MFM or even to watch her with another man or men (or woman, but she nixed that one) and that a swing club could be the place to go. While the talk turns her on, she says she doesn't think so. Not a flat out no, but a 'no' nonetheless.

It seems she is concerned that I would want sex with another woman and she couldn't handle that. I would be quite fine with going to a swingers club and watching her or MFM (ideally) and setting up rules around me. Another hangup is meeting others whom we know, and not being comfortable with herself.

I would like to take her to one of the two clubs here just to check it out as I can't and shouldn't go alone. But I don't want to be pushy and figured I should let the topic rest for a couple weeks.

Now the last time I mentioned this last week, I woke up pretty aroused and told her about my 'dream' of her and another man and then made it serious by saying I would like to actually see that. She said I don't think so, but I assume that she was thinking about it, as she came home early and asked me to do the same for some fun with toys and role playing with dirty talk. She had never done that before. I usually initiate (which I would like to change, by the way.). Even with this, though, she did not want to talk about her swinging.

Thoughts?

You are quite right in not pushing the topic too hard. Your wife needs to develop reasons of her own to join you in the lifestyle. I hope that you have admitted to her that you do want sex with another woman but assure her that you will continue to love and cherish her and that will never change. If you feel comfortable about it, bring her here to see that we are all very normal people who are fulfilling very normal desires.

I will add that MFM is not always to right way to start. If a swap with another couple is the ultimate goal, admit that to yourselves. It is the more difficult path but the more satisfactory fath.

Thanks for the fast response.

I will have patience, obviously. As stated before, though, my fantasy is with sharing her, so that is the goal, not a full swap. I actually do not have a desire for that, at this time. If it developed into that should her comfort level allow it, I'm fine, but the real turn on for me is having her getting the fun.

MFM not good to start, though, huh? Still ok, as seeing her with another is pretty darn exotic.

Cheers

Until your relationship is strong enough that she is willing to talk more about this, all you can do is continue the fantasy with her in private. Love/trust/communication...you need all three in abundance. Work on that for the time being and keep the fantasy going and see what may happen in the future. Don't, however, try to push or force things that she isn't comfortable or willing to do.

Assuming that she was open to the idea, another question would be is how likely is it that at a swingers club she would find another man to play with while I take a backseat (no play with other's wife). Is that common? Or even MFM later down the road?

You see, I only envision a swingers club as the way for this to occur.

Thoughts?

I should clarify that I see a swinging club as a safe place vs online or craiglist. Am I wrong?

Cheers

A club or a meet and greet is much safer than craigslist...not on line so much as long as you use common sense (which isn't so common anymore). Then again, IMHO ANYTHING is better than craigslist. Once again, however, don't try to get her to do anything she isn't willing to do. There's nothing but problems and drama if you do...

I will mention that there are online options that are way better than Craigslist! Many Web sites are devoted to,helping swingers to meet. And, unlike a swinger's club where there will mostly be couples in attendance, these sites have a lot of single or solo guys available. That said, there are also some creeps out there, so I'd recommend screening carefully to find guys who sound like respectful, three-dimensional gentleman. I'd also suggest meeting up for dinner or drinks in a public place first, and giving both of you a chance to get to know the prospective third in your MFM scenario. You can even state up front that a first get-together will be just to talk- no playing on the first date. That will weed out the one-track-mind horn-dogs!

Now, having said all that, I will also say that I think that the kind of pursuit I outlines above is way, way premature in your case. If I read things right, your wife has consistently and clearly stated that she is not interested in having sex with anyone other than you. You asked a question, "assuming that she was open to the idea", but every indication that we have so far is that she is NOT open to the idea. Perhaps the time has come to let the topic rest. Continuing to discuss the idea, after she has told you her feelings, may only serve to make her feel like you're pushing. And that can't be good for the two of you!

Understood. I would like her to come on here to read the comments as well for herself and see what the community is like, so keep your thoughts coming.

Cheers

After out last talk, it is pretty much body image that is causing her insecurity, but sex with another man is also a hang-up. We are each other's first, so she has never been with another man. Besides body image, she can't quite put her finger on it, though. She is also concerned that she would not be able to perform to please someone else.

She is more comfortable to make out with another woman (oh la la!), than sex with another man at this point.

I want us to both go to a newbie night at a swinger club to see the sort of folks that go - no commitment to do anything, just hang out and watch what goes on (I really don't know either what goes on). She is embarrassed to go, but might be amendable to going if it is only to see and nothing more (fine with me). She is not saying that she will go, but wants to think about it more. She is perfectly fine with parking nearby and watching the people that come and go from the club, lol.

Time to drop it for a bit and let it sink in for a while.

I was going to suggest a club to help with the body image issue. Do a search and there are DOZENS of threads that discuss body image. There will be EVERY body type imaginable there...not just the 'beautiful people' and they will all be getting attention. BTW, visiting a club does not mean that you are there to play, it's perfectly okay to just visit and watch. Yes, walking thru the door for the first time is not easy (just because it is unknown and therefore it can be frightening or uncomfortable), but after you do it the first time you will both most likely laugh about how cautious you both were before compared to the reality you actually experienced (but this is one of those things that only works in hindsight).

As for sex with another man...so that is the only option? You can't start out with limiting interaction with soft swap? Oh wait, you CAN limit things to only soft swap. If fact, you can limit things to only girl/girl play if you want and you would still be able to find other couples willing to participate in that. This is not an all or nothing choice...you can (and should) set limits in advance and stick to them. If she is willing to just park and watch from the outside, then take her up on her offer and start with just that. Don't move any quicker than she is comfortable with.

Bring her around here...let her read and ask questions. It's all good. There shouldn't be any rush, there is no finish line that has to be achieved. This should be something that you both want to experience together and at the same time should draw the two of you closer. Let it do just that, you can always stop at any time either of you wants.

We may go to a newbie night on the 21St or 17th just to check it out.

Interestingly enough, she would be more comfortable with a masquerade type gathering.

I would highly recommend it. There's a HUGE difference between being told how something will be and actually SEEING how it is. The masquerade thing leads me to believe that she is afraid of seeing someone she knows...so try a club that is out of the area. There's never any expectations of the people there and one visit will either win her over or keep her away (I'm guessing win her over). Let us know how things progress and good luck!

Well, she has admitted that she fantisized about another man fondling her.

But I have been having issues communicating with the 2 local clubs here, as I have outlined in another thread.

Finally heard back from one of the two clubs here, and will be going next Friday. Getting excited.

Good luck and report back how things went!

Do, both of you, have a good time.

For some couple swinging brings a lot of good videos and feelings to their relationships but for some new couples it could potentially be disastrous, especially if your wife still isn't sure about it. Better you have some serious conversation with her about it and meet some couples who are already doing it - just for coffee or dinner. Joining this forum, reading and posting shows that you are already on the right path.

Get to know what are hr fantasies and what she would be comfortable with. Tell her what you like and what you would like to do. Set some boundaries and respect eachother preferences.

I suggest you just start out slowly. Don't need to rush things.

Good luck!

Well, we went last night and were disappointed that there were only 4 people, and 2 were employees that were off work. It snowed yesterday, so the weather may have kept people back.

We stuck around and played pool and chatted with those that were there. We will go again tonight when it is couples only and see if more come.

Well, we went again last night, and there were 30 people. Still a slow night, they tell me. We talked with a couple, and they told us what expectations are.

At midnight they allowed people upstairs to the play area, and some went. We then left at 12:30.

My wife was a little disappointed. She was expecting a more flirtatious atmosphere, but she found it mundane. Very much a typical social club with normal socializing and a lack of sexual tension.

Not sure what to tell here. She admitted that she may have been willing to do some light play, but she wasn't feeling it in this place.

Then by all means, try someplace else. One of the issues with clubs are that the usual people all know each other and things can become "comfortable" (for them at least). Try a different club and see if that one isn't a better fit. Also, the same can be said about house parties as well. Sometimes you 'click' with them and sometimes it's a miss. Some nights can be smokin' hot and other nights...luke warm.

Have posted on a swing site and are now messaging with a guy. She is now quite ready and wants to do it, so great.

But... I am not sure, I feel a club is a safer environment. I certainly would not bring him to our home, so hotel would be it.

I understand your hesitation- you've never met this guy, after all! This is why I recommend that you meet first in a public place, a bar or restaurant. Spend some time there, and get to know him, and develop a level of comfort. Heck, you can even set a rule that there will be no playing on the first date- that alone may weed out some of those who might choose to be disrespectful. And the hotel idea sounds good, at least until you feel you can trust the guy.

Can always invite him to meet at the club too. That's always a good option. If chemistry doesn't work out then you've still got the club patrons to mingle with.

I like the idea of meeting at the club better.

No shortage of guys responding - few everyday so far.