Prospective Swingers-Wife (me) doesn't orgasm easily

Hello all. I am a 32f. Husband is 35m. We are interested in trying swinging but something is giving me pause. I am not an easy lady to bring to orgasm. Completely alone with my own hand I can come in 5 minutes. Oral by my husband on me, takes maybe 30 minutes (if it works at all). Vibrators don't do much (not even the Hitachi, but sometimes they do. It's a crapshoot). And I don't orgasm vaginally.

I am nervous that my inability to orgasm will turn playmates off. How would you react if the wife of the other couple could not orgasm? Would it be off putting if I were to try to bring a vibrator into bed? Would it make you less likely to swing with us again?

I do enjoy sex and the excitement of the whole adventure, my biology and mind is just such that orgasm is hard for me around other people.

Hello,

It wouldn't turn me off if I couldn't get you off and I love using toys on my wife on occasion so I wouldn't give up easily. General attitude towards the events at hand can help you also. How you relax and enjoy it. I told my wife that when we bring in a couple or another man into our bed that she should let loose. Release. Vent. Don't hold back and most important, enjoy yourself.

I don't know what to say. Is the spark there between everyone in the room? I know I used to obsess with having everything just right to the point that I could not focus and would end up stopping. No more. I learned to embrace everything about our newfound sexual gratifications and these new adventures and the sensations they will bring everyone involved and really enjoy myself.

Best of luck to y'all!

Of course everyone you tell that story to is going to take it as a personal challenge to make you come. You might be better off faking it! OTOH, maybe just a change of scenery is all you need.

My wife is the same way actually. Very difficult for me to get her to come but she can please herself just fine in no time. She says it's always been this way for her. Our first swinging experience however, the other guy got her to come pretty easily with oral. Like the above poster said, if you tell people, they will take it as a challenge to get you to and you may just end up being surprised yourself!

Thank you! My "problem" is only a problem to people who get angry that it hasn't happened yet, and take it as a personal rejection, or to those men who say fuck it, and completely give up because they figure it isn't going to happen anyway. I'm not sure if I've been completely relaxed. I'm sure if I'm not with my husband, then I probably won't be any more relaxed with a few other people in the room.

Hello,

It wouldn't turn me off if I couldn't get you off and I love using toys on my wife on occasion so I wouldn't give up easily. General attitude towards the events at hand can help you also. How you relax and enjoy it. I told my wife that when we bring in a couple or another man into our bed that she should let loose. Release. Vent. Don't hold back and most important, enjoy yourself.

I don't know what to say. Is the spark there between everyone in the room? I know I used to obsess with having everything just right to the point that I could not focus and would end up stopping. No more. I learned to embrace everything about our newfound sexual gratifications and these new adventures and the sensations they will bring everyone involved and really enjoy myself.

Best of luck to y'all!

The faking it thing is sometimes easier. So sad. It's the personal challenge thing that makes it so high pressure. I am curious as well if the change of scenery may help.

Were you offended that another man helped your wife orgasm when it was difficult for you to help her? I could see this bringing resentment. And I would love nothing more than to be surprised in that way.

My wife is the same way actually. Very difficult for me to get her to come but she can please herself just fine in no time. She says it's always been this way for her. Our first swinging experience however, the other guy got her to come pretty easily with oral. Like the above poster said, if you tell people, they will take it as a challenge to get you to and you may just end up being surprised yourself!

Speaking from personal experience, you will be fine. I think it's better not to tell people up front, and just see what happens. For the first year of swinging I did not come with other partners. It was not a big deal. Then for whatever reason I did, during intercourse, which I never had before. Now that happens quite a bit and with my husband, too.

You can always touch yourself while playing and make yourself come if that suits you. Many people find that really, really sexy. I do it quite a bit and get good reactions.

From my experience there is very little anger, offense or "fuck it" in swinging. The people we associate with are loving and fun. If you sense someone is a dick or a douchebag or the female equivalent stay away from them.

It would not bother me one bit as long as you were enjoying yourself and I am with a woman who is multi orgasmic! It doesn't make you any less of a woman are any less of a play partner. Don't over think it and go with the flow. As others have said many guys would enjoy the challenge of getting you there. Touching yourself or using toys is sexy as hell to many out there so that should not be an issue either.

My wife is the same way actually. Very difficult for me to get her to come but she can please herself just fine in no time. She says it's always been this way for her.

Same here, and it has never seemed to hold her back as she is quite fond of intercourse, orgasm or no orgasm

Speaking as the guy to a few of your questions - no, it would not bother me at all if a toy was involved, in fact I would think that was hot and lot of fun. The second is I'm not going to see you as some sort of challenge or special project to try to make you come. I want you to feel good and be happy, so I'm just going to follow your lead; if you say don't stop then we won't stop, if you say that was fun but let's take a break then we take a break. One of my favorite swinging truisms is never have any expectations other than to have fun since expectations only lead to disappointment and disappointment isn't fun. Focusing on having an orgasm is an expectation, so just don't set that threshold for yourself and instead just enjoy whatever happens, orgasm or no orgasm.

Mrs. Sublue, I would enjoy playing with you if we found that e liked each other, if we had some chemistry, and if you w're enjoying yourself, whether you have an orgasm or not! And I would give it the old college try, because

I'd want to give you as much pleasure as you give me. But if it wasn't happening, and you were happy and satisfied nonetheless, then I would not get nutty about making you cum. I wouldn't want things to turn toward a single-minded obsession- because then it REALLY won't happen, and we don't want one or both of us to be frustrated.

I would not mind at all if you wanted to use toys or fingers while I was working on you, or in between, or whenever! I would get excited seeing and hearing you get excited, by whatever means. And I would be happy to help in whatever way works for you, be it fingering you while you use the toy, concentrating on your breasts as you masturbate, or just watching and listening.

I have had some women friends tell me beforehand that it's very tough for them to cum from intercourse, or from oral. And I didn't mind hearing that- it made me feel like less of a schmuck if I didn't bring her all the way to the promised land! But if I DID bring her to orgasm, well, THAT was a special night! And that has happened from time to time, maybe due to the excitement of the encounter, some little difference in technique or equipment, or just the stars aligned that day!

So, the bottom line is this- come out and play, relax, and don't worry! Everyone will have a great time!

Thank you, you answered my question before I could ask regarding if I should disclose before, or not. I agree if people are laid back, then I won't become someone's challenge and we can all live and let be. I just didn't want to offend anyone of it didn't happen.

Speaking from personal experience, you will be fine. I think it's better not to tell people up front, and just see what happens. For the first year of swinging I did not come with other partners. It was not a big deal. Then for whatever reason I did, during intercourse, which I never had before. Now that happens quite a bit and with my husband, too.

 

You can always touch yourself while playing and make yourself come if that suits you. Many people find that really, really sexy. I do it quite a bit and get good reactions.

 

From my experience there is very little anger, offense or "fuck it" in swinging. The people we associate with are loving and fun. If you sense someone is a dick or a douchebag or the female equivalent stay away from them.

I would have absolutely no problem as long as you were honest and didn't fake one. Just relax and enjoy. Communicate what you like, don't like, and feels good. I don't know your body or your signals if this is our first time together. I want you to enjoy so I need you to communicate with me. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work but it won't be because we didn't try.

No pressure as long as you enjoyed yourself. Of course I would prefer to give you so many orgasms that you can't get off the bed but that is not what makes or breaks the night.

As far as my wife getting more pleasure from someone else than me.... Well that's sorta why we are in this game. If she doesn't there wouldn't be much point to it. What I give her none of her playmates can. She gets fucked by the. By I get to make love to her.

First, welcome to the forum, Sublue! Second, thank you for asking this question...it is one that isn't asked often and I can't say that I recall seeing it before!

I can't answer your questions based on how a male would feel but I can answer the opposite side for you as a female who also doesn't orgasm vaginally or easily with others, if at all. Like yourself, I can achieve an orgasm easily if I do it myself but once others are introduced, it is almost impossible.

For me, I don't ever tell anyone upfront that I hardly orgasm. In the 3 and a half years we've been swinging, I've only had one couple ask me directly if I orgasm and I told them honestly that I rarely do. They did try to encourage me to "let go" and if we had stayed longer, I am sure they might take it as a challenge. Overall though, as long as the sex feels good, I'm making noises and movements that please whoever I am playing with. To me, I find it much more gratifying to get a man (or men) off.

I think the only thing that would turn others off is if seems like you aren't enjoying yourself. Then, of course, it would be logical that you wouldn't want to play with them again if you weren't enjoying yourself either. Does that make sense?

Anyway, as you can see, you aren't alone.

Thank you for the empathetic replay, Sunbuckus. I wasn't sure what the etiquette was in regards to lack of orgasms. I don't think I would like being told to let it go. Reminds me of someone beating someone, telling them to just relax lol. I think I will keep mum about it and just try not to worry about it either way.

First, welcome to the forum, Sublue! Second, thank you for asking this question...it is one that isn't asked often and I can't say that I recall seeing it before!

 

I can't answer your questions based on how a male would feel but I can answer the opposite side for you as a female who also doesn't orgasm vaginally or easily with others, if at all. Like yourself, I can achieve an orgasm easily if I do it myself but once others are introduced, it is almost impossible.

 

For me, I don't ever tell anyone upfront that I hardly orgasm. In the 3 and a half years we've been swinging, I've only had one couple ask me directly if I orgasm and I told them honestly that I rarely do. They did try to encourage me to "let go" and if we had stayed longer, I am sure they might take it as a challenge. Overall though, as long as the sex feels good, I'm making noises and movements that please whoever I am playing with. To me, I find it much more gratifying to get a man (or men) off.

 

I think the only thing that would turn others off is if seems like you aren't enjoying yourself. Then, of course, it would be logical that you wouldn't want to play with them again if you weren't enjoying yourself either. Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, as you can see, you aren't alone.

That's very sweet, Mgbdallas. You are a giving soul.

Thanks, coupleinmd. It seems you prefer to be told if a lady doesn't orgasm so you can just not stress about it. It seems like opinions are split on telling vs. not telling. I think more men prefer to be told, and more women prefer not to tell.

Thanks, coupleinmd. It seems you prefer to be told if a lady doesn't orgasm so you can just not stress about it. It seems like opinions are split on telling vs. not telling. I think more men prefer to be told, and more women prefer not to tell.

Really, I am good either way, and certainly if you don't quite feel right volunteering that kind of information, that's cool, too! I will say that I generally have a conversation with a woman about her preferences, likes and dislikes, rules, limits, etc., before we play. So it's often out there beforehand if the woman does not orgasm easily, or if she prefers clitoral stimulation vs. vaginal stimulation, that kind of thing.

It happens the other way around too. A guy we have played with for years has no problem getting and staying hard but he has a lot of trouble actually having an orgasm during the play. At first it bothered my wife a little, but not now. He makes my wife orgasm very easily and multiple times during a every play date. This happens both when we are having a threesome with him and when he and my wife are playing alone at his house. It does not bother him and he always gets himself off later while thinking about it or especially while watching the videos he makes of the playtimes.

Were you offended that another man helped your wife orgasm when it was difficult for you to help her? I could see this bringing resentment. And I would love nothing more than to be surprised in that way.

No, not at all. I actually found it pretty damn hot. In addition, the guy was able to give me a few pointers. While he was showing me on my wife I was practicing on his and got her off.

I have a one play partner who gets to a climax only occasionally and another who never gets there. I assume that both gain pleasure from sex based upon the evidence that both come back to me for more and both seem to enjoy sex.

I also want to tell you about a woman who started out telling me, "I like orgasms and the only way I can acheive an orgasm is to do it my way. Just lay back and relax and I'll do all the work." And it does work -- beautifully -- and for both of us. Do you think you might be a person like this woman friend of mine who if allowed to do just the things that build to orgasm you would be able to reach that peak more often or more consistently?