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adamszekely

How to ask my wife about swinging?

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Hello, as the title suggests, I am very curious about the swinging life, I think it can offer a experience that everyone should feel in their lifetime but I have no idea how to approach this subject with my wife which is a little jealous (the kind of jealous that checks my computer when I get into the shower).

 

I do not accept or accepted her behavior but I guess I am waiting for a change over the time? I don't know. Point is I want to try swinging and I am afraid that if I mention anything she would flip and it would make things even worse. Did anyone else had the same problem? How do you tell your partner about this? What options do I have in this situation?

 

Right now, writing this, I feel like I am doing something wrong and if she knew what I was doing she would feel very betrayed. Am I betraying her by being curious about this?

 

What should I do?

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It really depends on how you have structured your marriage, how you communicate with each other, what your values are. Swinging is not for everyone or, for that matter, every marriage.

 

If being curious about others' choices constitutes betrayal in anyone's mind -- yours or your wife's-- there are deeper issues to be resolved before swinging makes it to the conversation. One of the three tenets of just about every secure marriage is the confidence that both can communicate openly on any topic.

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Hello, as the title suggests, I am very curious about the swinging life, i think it can offer a experience that everyone should feel in their lifetime but i have no ideea how to approach this subject with my wife which is a little jealous (the kind of jealous that checks my computer when i get into the shower).

 

That's pretty jealous.

 

I do not accept or accepted her behaviour but i guess i am waiting for a change over the time? i don't know. Point is i want to try swinging and i am affraid that if i mention anything she would flip and it would make things even worse. Did anyone else had the same problem? How do you tell your partener about this? What options do i have in this situation?

 

So what's the worse thing that can happen if you have this talk with her? You know her and don't. Does your feeling for exploring the lifestyle overwhelm the worse she can do? Do you desperately want to explore it with her, or do you just want to explore it, with or without her?

 

 

 

Right now, wrinting this, i feel like i am doing something wrong and if she knew what i was doing she would feel very betrayed. Am i betraying her by being curious about this? What should i do ?

Why do you think she would feel betrayed? Why do you feel you are doing something wrong?

 

Sorry not a lot to work with, if you can tell us more it would be helpful.

 

Welcome to the board.

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. . . a little jealous (the kind of jealous that checks my computer when I get into the shower). . .
Had anything happened in your lives that would make her want to do this?
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Hi, adamszekely, and welcome to the forum. I agree with cplnuswing, if you feel like she would see this as a betrayal and flip out if you mentioned it, then that's probably how she'll feel and react. I wanted to ask a question though because you wrote the following:

 

 

I have no idea how to approach this subject with my wife which is a little jealous (the kind of jealous that checks my computer when I get into the shower).

 

Is there reason that she is this distrustful? Has there been a breach of trust between you two or an act of infidelity? You don't have to answer this here if it makes you uncomfortable but if there has, then there's a reason for her behavior. Trust and communication need to be rebuilt in order for the relationship to become healthy again. Once that has occurred, maybe you two can talk about swinging in the future.

 

If there is no past reason for her to be behaving this way, then there are still issues within her that are causing her to act this way. Perhaps it was a past relationship where a boyfriend cheated on her or she has seen her father cheat on her mother. What ever the cause is, there is this wall between you two and you both need to address it, tackle it together, and work through it. Whether swinging is in the future or not, it's best for the relationship to deal with this "jealousy issue".

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My guess is that you are way ahead of the curve, Adam. You and your wife need to be able to talk about anything without fear of reprisal.

 

On our second date, my late wife Laura and I agreed that we would never become angry because a question was asked. We further pledged that we would always discuss any question until it was resolved in our minds.

 

The best way to phrase a question is (in my opinion): "How do you feel about..." Mexican food? Drinking? The United Nations? Mongolia? My technique of cunnilingus? Our ability to communicate? These questions require some thought and cannot be answered by "yes" or "no." It may take a while.

 

It would be best to "condition" her to this type of question. Ask about Mexican food and the United Nations long before asking about swinging.

 

Laura and I had talked about sex a lot and developed our ability to reply truthfully long before I asked, "How do you feel about swinging?" Her answer was "It sounds like fun to me!"

 

Alura

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Had anything happened in your lives that would make her want to do this?

 

The main thing she mentions is that I was still with my ex girlfriend which she knew about when we were first dating. I traveled overseas and I had in mind to cut ties with my 4 year girlfriend of the time and that's how I met my wife which I have been ever since. I never did anything stupid, always rejecting women who are hitting on me and I always told her that X or Y hit on me and so on but that doesn't seem to make any difference in her mind. Sometimes I searched on facebook for my EX and some other women I work with out of stupid curiosity to see how people live in USA and generally how people I work with are outside of work with no bad intentions behind it whatsoever, but she checked my facebook account (which I gave her my password in order to make things as transparent as possible) but she saw the searches and hell broke loose. (let me tell you that I never had a single time when I added some girl on facebook as a friend that she would not get weird and ask me stupid questions and in the next fight we have she would mention that I am interested in some random girl I added on facebook that I don't even remember doing it)

 

She told me how all her boyfriends betrayed her in some way and since the beginning I was very firm about it and told her that I don't have to pay for other people's mistakes and I tried to make her understand that I won't tolerate being punished for what happened to her in the past but it doesn't seem to change anything. I am in an impasse and out of ideas of how to make her trust me and how to make her not check my phone or anything.

 

I wonder myself many times what did I do wrong to make her so jealous and paranoid about me. I ended up with the conclusion that I am guilty of meeting her.

 

P.S I am not from US, I live here now but my english can be challenging.

 

 

 

 

I used to be VERY jealous early in my marriage. It takes a great deal of work for a person to overcome their insecurities enough to feel comfortable swinging, and it takes a lot of patience on the part of her partner/spouse. The other thing is that she would really have to WANT to get over her jealousy. It's not something that can be forced.

 

I probably jumped ahead of time a little too much to swinging considering her issues about little things that can make someone jealous (like adding someone on facebook). It probably won't be anytime soon where I can come up with the approach of swinging. Funny thing is that my ex girlfriend was all OK about bringing a girl with us to play with but we never did because we couldn't find anyone.

 

Problem is that I know her for 3 years now (living together for 2 and a half), and we are married for a year and I don't see any improvement coming from her, she keeps telling me how she has issues with men because all men in her life gave up on her (including her dads). What can I do about it, I told her she should seek therapy on the matter but she won't do anything about it.

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That's pretty jealous.

 

 

 

So what's the worse thing that can happen if you have this talk with her? You know her and don't. Does your feeling for exploring the lifestyle overwhelm the worse she can do? Do you desperately want to explore it with her, or do you just want to explore it, with or without her?

 

 

I don't think I can do it without her, I would feel guilty for cheating and is not even about the sexual act but about the experience of being in a room with married couples that are fine with doing this yet I am not even close to be able to ask her about it and be scandal free. I am not interested in this because of the sexual act alone, I think there's more than that. I hope you get what I mean, I don't know how to explain.

 

Also, isn't it creepy when a single dude is wandering around the swinging club? I may be wrong, I have no idea how this works.

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...she keeps telling me how she has issues with men because all men in her life gave up on her (including her dads). What can i do about it, i told her she should seek therapy on the matter but she won't do anything about it.

 

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves first. She has to be the one to want to seek help, address those inner issues that are inside her, and then improve from there. The only thing you can do is to continue being supportive and patient until she gets to that point (or she may never get there) or decide to walk away because you were honest with her from the beginning--that you weren't going to "pay the price" for others misdeeds in her life.

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Considering your description of her current state of mind, DO NOT bring up swinging. She will only see it as you wanting to be with other women. It sounds like that's not the case, but she won't see it that way. Like Sunbuckus said, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. The only thing I can say is talk with her,continue to show her through your actions that you are not going anywhere. Yes, you made it clear that you weren't going to pay for others' mistakes, but you also married her knowing who she was, for better, for worse.

 

I was jealous when Mr. Prufrock and I first got together. I think a part of me felt he was too good to be true and I kept looking for signs he was about to realize he could do better. We've been together for 10 years, I now know those fears were stupid and unfounded. what I'm trying to say is it took time for me to get over my insecurities. Talk with her, work out why she feels the way she does, and then show her through your actions that you are committed. Also, I'd consider just deleting your Facebook account. Those stupid things cause more marital strife, whether real or imagined, than they're worth.

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I don't think I can do it without her, I would feel guilty for cheating and is not even about the sexual act but about the experience of being in a room with married couples that are fine with doing this yet I am not even close to be able to ask her about it and be scandal free. I am not interested in this because of the sexual act alone, I think there's more than that. I hope you get what I mean, I don't know how to explain.

 

Yes, it would be cheating to go it alone. No matter how bad things are, one should never do that. You owe it to other person to tell them what the problem is and what position you feel it has put you into and what plan on doing. That may be the end of the relationship, but at least you were honest with them and gave them what they needed to make their decision, whether it is to work on what the other sides sees as shortcomings, try to convince the other side those aren't fair or realistic expectations, or just end things. That's the point it will get to eventually no matter what, so better for all that it comes earlier with honesty rather than later with deception since the deception just adds a whole another huge layer to have to work through to get down to the problems.

 

Yes, I think you do understand what you mean. You know enough about swinging that you recognize those who successfully do it have great communication and trust. It sounds like both of those are sorely lacking in your relationship, and you are aching for them. Unfortunately, even if somehow you did convince her to swing, it isn't going to bring those two things, they have to be there first. Yes, swinging can enhance those skills if you already have them, probably because it's like anything else, the more you use it the stronger it gets and the more skilled you get at using it, but they do have to be there first.

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I was jealous when Mr. Prufrock and I first got together. I think a part of me felt he was too good to be true and I kept looking for signs he was about to realize he could do better. We've been together for 10 years, I now know those fears were stupid and unfounded. what I'm trying to say is it took time for me to get over my insecurities. Talk with her, work out why she feels the way she does, and then show her through your actions that you are committed. Also, I'd consider just deleting your Facebook account. Those stupid things cause more marital strife, whether real or imagined, than they're worth.

 

This is very interesting what you just said because she is under the impression that I am somehow too good for her and that I can do much better. Also she mentioned that "if I disappear you would have me replaced in a second". This phrase explains a lot and it's very frustrating because I want to be with her and she wants to be with me BUT she is so afraid that I can do better than her that she destroys our relationship because of her imaginary fear that I will leave. The paradox though is that if she doesn't stop this destructive behavior she will succeed into pushing me away completely forcing me to leave her. Me leaving her, would translate in her mind as exactly what she "expected" this whole time. I recommended couples therapy as well and her reply was "we either get along or not, no therapy bs" which I find puerile. I guess I hoped that after we got married and we have a serious relationship she won't bug me with stupid childish jealousy crisis, but oh boy I was wrong...

 

If anyone has any ideas on how to proceed, I would be grateful because unlike your case, I'm not sure I will last 10 years in this rhythm. It is clear to me now that I won't be able to bring anything related to swinging anytime soon.

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I can say it definitely did not take me 10 years to get over my fears, and I was never paranoid, just insecure. It sounds like she has some serious trust issues. I'm sorry that she won't try therapy. We obviously don't have the whole picture here, but from what you are telling us, it sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with her. It's not fair to you that her fears leave you feeling more like a captive than her husband. Tell her exactly what you told us, that you have no desire to replace her, but her paranoia is pushing you away. Then ask for couples counseling again. If she refuses, you'll have to evaluate your marriage and your life and figure out where you want to go from there. I hope that she will consider the counseling.

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The main thing she mentions is that I was still with my ex girlfriend which she knew about when we were first dating. I traveled overseas and I had in mind to cut ties with my 4 year girlfriend of the time and that's how I met my wife which I have been ever since. I never did anything stupid, always rejecting women who are hitting on me and I always told her that X or Y hit on me and so on but that doesn't seem to make any difference in her mind. Sometimes I searched on facebook for my EX and some other women I work with out of stupid curiosity to see how people live in USA and generally how people I work with are outside of work with no bad intentions behind it whatsoever, but she checked my facebook account (which I gave her my password in order to make things as transparent as possible) but she saw the searches and hell broke loose. (let me tell you that I never had a single time when I added some girl on facebook as a friend that she would not get weird and ask me stupid questions and in the next fight we have she would mention that I am interested in some random girl I added on facebook that I don't even remember doing it)

 

She told me how all her boyfriends betrayed her in some way and since the beginning I was very firm about it and told her that I don't have to pay for other people's mistakes and I tried to make her understand that I won't tolerate being punished for what happened to her in the past but it doesn't seem to change anything. I am in an impasse and out of ideas of how to make her trust me and how to make her not check my phone or anything.

 

I wonder myself many times what did I do wrong to make her so jealous and paranoid about me. I ended up with the conclusion that I am guilty of meeting her.

 

P.S I am not from US, I live here now but my english can be challenging.

 

Your English is doing just fine. :)

 

There's this theory that people treat us the way we teach them to treat us, and that we attract people to ourselves according to what we believe. The cheated-on attract cheaters (usually). The abused attract abusers. People-pleasers attract narcissists. Etc, etc. We have energy patterns, or behaviour patterns that attract other energy/behaviour patterns; sometimes those pairings are negative and unbalanced. If she wants to stop the cycle, it sounds like she's got the ideal partner with whom to do that, but it needs to start with her. She needs to get in touch with her inner diva and realize that, as your wife, no other woman can compete with her. She needs to find her confidence in her self-worth, and recognize what a force she is in this world!

 

It sounds like you're doing everything right. You are keeping things transparent and open, you are being honest, and you are very grounded about not being willing to take the punishment for the pain another man caused her. The pain, and all its problems, belong to her. You're willing to help her sort it out for herself, but not willing to take it on as your own. That is completely fair.

 

I probably jumped ahead of time a little too much to swinging considering her issues about little things that can make someone jealous (like adding someone on facebook). It probably won't be anytime soon where I can come up with the approach of swinging. Funny thing is that my ex girlfriend was all OK about bringing a girl with us to play with but we never did because we couldn't find anyone.

 

Problem is that I know her for 3 years now (living together for 2 and a half), and we are married for a year and I don't see any improvement coming from her, she keeps telling me how she has issues with men because all men in her life gave up on her (including her dads). What can I do about it, I told her she should seek therapy on the matter but she won't do anything about it.

 

I would suggest the first step is to get her to recognize that this problem belongs to her, not you (you are not actually cheating, and not behaving abnormally). The next step is to help her decide to change that by seeking help. A word of warning however: if she starts seeing a therapist, don't bother bringing up swinging. I could be wrong, but I think most therapists professional opinions are that swinging invariably damages relationships. It's incorrect, but it would be an uphill battle all the way.

 

Although it might be a little harsh to actually say to her, when I put myself in your shoes as she say those things to you, my gut reaction is to respond with brutal honesty. "Yes, I am attracted to other people. And so are you, if you were honest. We can't help that. But being attracted to other women doesn't make me love you any less, or feel less attracted to you. And I'm not hurt that you are attracted to other people, too, because I know it doesn't change how you feel about me. Am I wrong?" And "I am not those other men, and I am not giving up on you. You are scared to death and you are pushing me away. I'm telling you that you can trust me whenever you are ready. I'll be here, and I am patient. I know it's scary, but you will be glad you did, and you will be angry with yourself that you wasted time being afraid."

 

Open, honest, compassionate communication is the best medicine for a marriage. If it's an uncomfortable topic, it's exactly what you need to talk about.

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I agree...the first thing you need to do is really start working on your communication with her. Try and find out why she is so jealous...what happened in her past to make her this way. Most important is to just get her to start talking about it. It WILL take awhile to make much headway, but what other option do you have? Believe me, been here, done this, got a divorce (after staying 20+ years in a bad relationship). Once the communication starts, it will only get better (as long as it continues). Eventually you can work your way to discussing fantasies and sex...but that is a long way off. One step at a time. First start the conversation and do it without passing judgement or condoning anything. The only way to keep her talking is to let her know that she can say anything without fear of judgement from you. As she learns that she can trust you more she will communicate more and learn that she can love you more...all good things. Be patient and take your time, but you need to start somewhere and sometime. Good luck.

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Thank you all for your responses. The reason I want a swinging relationship is because my situation right now is not a very satisfying one, where my wife treats me as I am a cheater and not trustworthy.

 

Obvious for me now is that swinging is very far from accomplishment in my situation but my dream is that I will be in a relationship where me and my partner are so deeply connected to one another that the physical desires that come naturally would not interfere with the love we have. I think that traditional marriages are behind us and swinging is a natural evolution to a stronger and deeper relationship.

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Swinging will never save a bad or damaged relationship...quite the opposite. You need to have an excellent relationship in order to successfully swing (IMHO). The relationship must come first, everything else (especially swinging) is a bonus, and should always be treated as such.

 

Read this. Read it again. Commit it to memory. Most important, commit: "The (marital) relationship must come first."

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If you connected with your wife you need to get that back. Talk to her and find out her fantasies, get her to talk to you and do not mention other people. Be ready to share your fantasies first and be sure and tell her that without her it would not be any fun. Buy her flowers for no reason. Move slowly and plan to go to dinner, neck and get her to fall in love with you ll over again. After a while she should open up, get her to talk about what she likes. It is a long road, but I think it will be worth the journey. You connection to her is weak and she is afraid. If it takes a couple of years, so what? You will have a much stronger marriage and a more satisfying one.

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:ditto:

Love, trust and communication...that's all any great relationship needs to have (easy to say, hard to do). Still, you do have the rest of your life to get there.

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