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JAPrufrock

Performance concerns

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This is Mr Prufrock. Mrs. Prufrock let me borrow her profile to throw a question/concern out there to those who have been where I am right now once in their life. So my wife and I have not had a swinging experience yet, but the possibility of one gets closer all the time. I am incredibly excited, but I have one concern that I'm sure the fellas will know all about.

 

How long am I going to be able to last?

 

Before I met Mrs. Prufrock I was not a great lover or sex machine of any sort, as sad as it is to admit it. Over the years of being with my wife I have honed my skills, like someone who goes off into the mountains to learn kung fu from a master, and I can outlast the best of them now. I'm not going to use the term "Fuck-Ninja"...but I learned a thing or two. I try my damn best to make sure she is satisfied before cumming myself. In fact, it enhances the experience when I know she's satisfied.

 

The experience of soft or full swapping with another couple, though, is uncharted territory. All the new and unexplored sights, sounds, smells, etc., could be so intense that I worry it will send me right back to my teenage-virgin years and I will contribute a measely 2 minutes before spending my sad load if I'm lucky. Just the thought of watching my wife with someone else is really intense. Having sex with another woman while my wife watches or joins? A gentle flick of the tip could make me cum at that point.

 

Am I doomed? Have others had experiences of less-than-stellar performance on their first try? Any advice? Obviously there's the "don't-go-out-there-with-a-loaded-gun" approach, but that could be wrought with a whole other set of lousy performance concerns. Quite the opposite problem entirely. Or am I just overthinking it?

 

Thanks!

 

Mr. J

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Dear Mr. J (as in J. Alfred??)

All of us have had one or the other of the problems that concern you. One of the solutions may be having a little blue pill in your pocket, just in case.

 

I have had the problem of the whole event being so overwhelming that my Little Mister fails to make an appropriate appearance and performance. When back alone with my wife, there is no problem, but with the audience and heightened stress, no performance.

 

I don't know about others, but most people are not too surprised. Apparently it happens, and it happens frequently. So, yes, you are probably over-thinking it and if it happens, you will be distressed far more than anyone else. The solution is to "get back on the horse." Practice, learn from the master...grasshopper.

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Just a thought here. But maybe wearing a condom may help to slow you down a little.

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So for going off unexpectedly early I had a pretty simple solution.

 

I had sex with my wife before we went out. That certainly slowed things down later. That was great until we got a 'twofer', back to back and I couldn't really recover in time. So I don't do that anymore. Yeah I am easily good for a twofer or fourfer, so getting one in to delay the inevitable really helps.

 

For performance anxiety, I just ask the wife to lend a helping hand. I have asked other women to give a hand too, with mixed results, some are nicer about it than others.

 

I hope that helps.

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Yes, we've been where you are at, and your concerns are things that we well remember feeling, and in some ways, still do on occasion. I don't think you will have a problem with a quick trigger. If anything, I suspect your desire to not be too quick will result in maybe not getting there at all. More often than not, I won't cum with a playmate, and it's kind of that thing where once you've fought off the urge a few times, then you're good to go, as in can't do it even if you want to until you take a break and reset things.

 

When two people like a husband and wife have had sex so many times, you develop your normal rhythm and effortlessly fit together. You do it like this, you do it like that, and for about the same amount of time, and then done. Your body gets attune to that rhythm, it's a practiced motion. When you are with someone totally new, the rhythm is going to be thrown off, way off. In certain positions, it's almost comical at times even trying to get it in and keep it in without fumbling around like a nervous teenager in the back seat for the very first time. You'll be thinking "Damn, this is embarrassing. C'mon, figure it out, it's not like you haven't already done this a few thousand times in your life." That not being able to just put it on cruise control will have your attention focused more than usual and that will serve as a good distraction away from cumming.

 

Which leads to....sometimes it's too good of a distraction and things don't work like you want them to. It totally sucks and it can get in your head in the worst way, but just know we've all been there before too. Doesn't make it any less sucky, but it's not uncommon. It's not a case of not being aroused, it's the exact opposite, you're so amped up with everything going on around you your system just goes into overload. It's easy to say here now, and I certainly have issues following my own advice, but the best thing to do is to just put it out of your head and don't worry about it. Focus all of your attention on making her feel good with your fingers, tongue, toys, or anything else she wants. If you start doing that and still don't put it out of your head, then nothing is going to change. If you start doing that and are totally so into it that you forget that you are supposed to be mentally kicking your own ass, then when it does finally come to mind it will be because you just realized you have hard-on and didn't even know it.

 

Another thing is condoms, they suck. If you aren't used to having sex with a condom, then just having to stop the foreplay and find one will be a distraction, trying to put the damn thing on will be a distraction, thinking how "lifelike feel" is total advertising BS will be a distraction, and so on. If you haven't used them in a while, it might not be a bad idea for some condom trial runs with you and Mrs. JAPRufrock just to try to get a little reacquainted with it. I think I mentioned it in another one of your threads, but all condoms are NOT created equal, so that would be a perfect time too to do some trial and error and find what works best for you.

 

Just try not to worry about it either way and it will be fine. Men are thought to be ready anytime, anywhere, with anyone. It doesn't really work like that. The more comfortable you feel with your partner and your surroundings, the more relaxed you will be, and the easier it will be. Just like anything, once you do it a few times you start to feel more confident and get better at it. That doesn't mean down the road you can't get thrown a curve when you least expect it for reasons totally unknown, but in general, it gets easier.

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I have most of these problems while swinging-- coming too soon, taking too long to come, losing my erection in the condom. Meanwhile, with my wife, I am 10,000 for 10,000 in well-timed, mutually enjoyable sessions. I guess it is a combo of pressure and unfamiliarity.

 

We notice we do better with recurrent partners. Condoms can slow you down, ED meds can pump you up.

 

I think you just have to hang in there. I think most swingers realize it is not easy.

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The biggest piece of advice I can give you is that as long as you continue to do you best to please your swing partner, even if you have popped early, you'll do great. Don't disappear, walk off, or be so temperamental about it that it ruins the moment. If you've explained that you're newbies, I'm sure your swing partner will be pleased as punch that you were so excited and "amp'ed up" that you couldn't hold back (at least, that's how I would see it). Just speaking for myself, I'm actually a lot happier when a swing partner is able to cum than not. I know some men like to hold back so they can play with multiple women at a party but, for me, I like knowing that there's evidence that the male was sexually excited to be with me.

 

Also, welcome to the forum, Mr. JAPRufrock! Don't be afraid to ask any other questions you may have. :)

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I definitely agree with Sunbuckus, I am absolutely more pleased when I am able to get my play partner off. I don't get upset with one that wants to save his load but when a partner gives such a clear show of satisfaction I am a happy girl. The timing doesn't matter either just like she said hang around there are other things that can be done.

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My thoughts are this: Anyone you play with who has an issue cuz for them playing is all about the hard on, is not much of a playmate. They might be an awesome gangbang girl tho :D

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Have you considered soft swapping a few times to just see how your parts respond? It might even desensitize you a bit to the excitement and help you know what to expect and if you're experiencing any performance issues without the actual pressure of sex. Just a thought.

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Our first experience was 2 yrs ago, and random hookup with another women while traveling. Hubby took FORVER to cum. He said he was nervous and the condom felt weird.

Our first FMF in the swing world, he came embarrassingly fast. Like we all had plenty of forplay, but once the actual sex started, he was only there for about a min before he started pausing trying not to cum, and it was over 30 seconds later. He was so embaressed he threw his clothes on and grabbed me and we kinda ran out of there. It was actually very rude of us but hubby was freaked out and that was my priority.

 

He actually was kinda scared to do anything again for awhile. We talked about it and slowly worked our way back up. We recently had our first MFM experience, and Hubby was a rockstar, he didn't cum for hrs. He said it was a pride thing, lol. Men and their ego's.

 

It happens. Most people I have seen in swinging struggle with it. It eithers happens to fast, or not at all. The advice above about attitude is spot on. Just because you cum or not doesn't mean it's ''over''. You can continue either way to play. Good luck!

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@ebonylehigh...would love to make you a happy girl!...couldn't resist.:blush:

 

I completely welcome that!! From your posts I am pretty sure we would have a very fun time!!

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. . . It happens. Most people I have seen in swinging struggle with it. It eithers happens too fast, or not at all. . .
When you say, "it happens", you speak truth. But I must say that no woman with whom I have become intimate had ever made a comment or complaint about too soon or too late.

 

Now, I can imagine a woman feeling neglected if a man ejaculates, takes this as a sign that "it's finished", jumps up, puts on his pants and leaves. I have not seen this but have heard first-hand accounts. As I'm sure you know, a tongue, fingers and battery-operated toys can continue and advance an experience. And if a toy has a long-life battery, a man's "Energizer Bunny" can recover and return to work in about twenty minutes.

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