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jldsgirl

Getting past jealousy?

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I would like to give swinging a try, as hubby and I both have fantasies of threesomes and full swaps. Hubs says he has no reservations at all in regards to me being with another man, whether we play together or solo (he has even said he is ok with me having a regular guy to play with). I wish I could say that I'm that comfortable with the idea of him with other women. While I have full confidence in my husband's love for me and his commitment to our marriage, I am terrified that I will lose him to another woman. It sucks, because I think it would be amazing to have another woman join us to fulfill his fmf fantasies, and even to watch him with another. BUT, when I try to think about this really happening I am overcome with anxiety. I just can't seem to let go of my insecurities and jealousy, even though I know that my husband loves me and would never leave me. He has also expressed a desire to have playmates when he is working out of town. That I don't think I will ever be comfortable with, as I know I will drive myself crazy wondering what and who he's doing during the week.

 

Sorry for rambling on, I just really want to be able to be okay with him actually touching another woman. When we talk about it, it seems so sexy and fun, but then my mind goes to worst case scenario... I might also add that I was my husband's first, and he has only been with one other woman since (I cheated several years ago and we separated for a few months ). We worked hard to rebuild our marriage and are happier as a couple than we have ever been. How can I get past my personal reservations so that we can fulfill both our fantasies??

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Almost all of us have been at this exact place before so don't feel like you are alone.

 

Love, trust, communication. Work on all three since you need them all to be successful...in swinging or in a relationship. You can never have too much of any of the three. Right now you are just looking at the end result...hubby with another woman and the chance of losing him. There are LOTS of smaller steps that will allow you to see how you feel along the way. When I was young, I was INSANELY jealous. I was sure that it would once again make itself known when me and the Ms. started our trip. But as we moved along and discussed things, the jealousy just never appeared. Instead, we grew even closer together. Of course your mileage my vary, but if you have a good relationship based on love, trust and communication and can really talk about everything, then it can minimize the jealousy issue. Simple rules that we had/have that seemed to help us:

 

Never move faster than the slowest member is comfortable with

Never do anything that wasn't agreed upon beforehand

If anyone says no or stop, then it's no or stop for everyone...without any reprisal or punishment later

NEVER 'take one for the team'

Don't put your partner into an uncomfortable situation...you are a team and should stand together in all situations

 

Start slow and see how things progress. You might not experience any jealousy at all...or you might quickly find that this just isn't for you at all (and if it is the case, walk away and don't look back). The fact that the Ms. wanted to try this means more to me than anything else we can get from doing it. If she were to say she wanted to stop today, we would and I would have some unbelievable memories and the knowledge of how much she trusts and loves me to even go here in the first place.

 

There's no rush, no end goal, just a great time (hopefully) for you both to SHARE. Take your time and enjoy but also don't be afraid to leave if you are not enjoying it. Please let us know how you are doing...and keep asking questions.

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The previous post is right on the money, every bit of it. The main point I was going to make in my reply before I read GoldCoCouple's was there are many steps in between thinking about swinging and actually doing a full swap. Sign up for one of the swinger personals sites like SLS, you can even do a profile for free. Spend some time looking at profiles together and see how that feels. Go to a club or swinger social, just meet other swingers and see how that feels. Try some innocent flirting with others and see how that feels. If still ok, maybe some dancing with others and see how that feels. Then add some kissing in with the dancing, and so on.

 

You have the interest in it, just keep taking baby steps towards it and your emotions and feelings will let you know if and when you should stop. There may never be a problem, or you may reach some step at which the negative feelings start to overcome the positive interest, and that's where you will want to halt things. Fear of the unknown is a powerful thing too, so as the unknown starts to become the known, I think you will start to find yourself feeling much more comfortable and in control of the situation too.

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Full swap isn't the only game in town. There must be at least 50 shades of grey here (oops, wrong movie) with full swap being in the high 40's. Take it easy and slow but just don't assume that you are going to go all the way. Like Cpluswing said, set up a profile and maybe meet some people. Go to a club or house party (there are NO expectations when you go and everyone is usually very respectful). Then if you feel comfortable, maybe have same room sex with another couple...no cross touching at all. The first couple that we met, this is all the further we ever got (and all the further they were comfortable with going...and it was great). Take one step at a time and stop (or take a step back) if you are having difficulty with anything. There are thousands of couples that enjoy swinging but haven't ever had a full swap (or even want to).

 

Bottom line, this is supposed to be fun and sexy and something that the two of you do together. Remember that and if you are not having fun, feeling sexy, or doing this together, then stop...but it can really be a LOT of fun, VERY sexy and something that you really enjoy doing together as well.

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Although many disagree with me, I'm of the opinion (from my own experience) that if the mind says "yes" but the emotions say "no," that you should give it a try, and if it is all that bad, just stop. It's like jumping into that cool pool, you hesitate at first, but then you're glad you did. That's the way it was, and to a small degree still is, with me. I now enjoy the jealousy and have become addicted to the "burn" of it, like a good, hard run. And the reclaiming sex afterwards is amazing. Your husband won't leave you, he will love you move for giving him the gift of amazing sex few enjoy. Good luck and let us know how your journey develops.

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Thank you all for the replies, they are very helpful. I plan to talk to J this weekend (he works out if town all during the week) about expectations and see where we want to go from here.

I know that my jealousy is unwarranted, because this man has loved me at my most unloveable, and when he had the opportunity to be done with me he still chose me (and I certainly did not deserve that second chance). We have an amazing connection and the sex couldn't be better. We truly are rock solid, and i know he would not do anything that might harm our marriage. So I suppose on some level I KNOW that my fears are irrational. Sorry I'm rambling again..

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It's okay to ramble here. :) I look forward to hearing more from you about how things progress.

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I ramble all of the time...it helps me sort things out in my head by getting them out of there in the first place. Good luck and let us know how things go...

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My gf is still nervous about trying a threesome with another girl, even though we know our relationship has a timer on it and will have to end. I think some feelings are tough to get around, even when everyone is perfectly logical and reasonable. I want to give my gf a gangbang and be part of it, but I don't want her with another guy or girl without me there. She on the other hand is fine with me seeing other women (I'm still monogamous though, because idk how to sex-without-relationship lol), but she isn't even rdy to talk to another woman about that, let alone rdy for a threesome. I have no advice to give though, since I'm probably the biggest noob on this site lol.

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Hubs says he has no reservations at all in regards to me being with another man, whether we play together or solo (he has even said he is ok with me having a regular guy to play with). I wish I could say that I'm that comfortable with the idea of him with other women.

 

I realize I'm late to respond but I would like to toss in my two cents. I would not assume what your husband says and reality are in fact the same thing. My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for years. We have had a few full swap encounters but we really have moved at a slow pace. Slow to always move at a pace that my wife was comfortable with. When we would go to clubs or a resort my wife would always describe me as being the ready one. She is the one moving at a slower pace. I am as you describe your husband, no reservations at all.

 

Recently we were on vacation at a lifestyle resort and we meet a very attractive, much younger than myself, single male. My wife was smitten with this man. They flirted none stop for days. He asked to fuck and she spoke to me about it. I said no!

 

We have sinse talked it through. I admitted I was insecure. They were showering each other with attention and I felt left out. Looking back on it I really wish I would have aloud her to play with this man. He was/is a ten in her eyes. The dude has a six pack! She is still on cloud nine that he chose her. Anyway I said no and she told him no! That was the end of that. We have talked it through and I'll be better equipped to deal with these kinds of feelings in the future. She better understands that I need attention during this courting process. More so than normal lol!

 

My point is your husband can be 100% confident he is fine with you being with another person (even saying you can have a regular guy) and that can change in a moment. You need to know what you are feeling is NORMAL. Communicating is key. I wasn't jealous until I was! When my wife seen I was uncomfortable with the situation it was the end of the situation. Now I know it's her and me and the rest is just a little fun. She will shut down a perfect 10 if I need her to. The next time these feeling s come up I'll be better equipped to continue on. Knowing she would pass on an opportunity like that because she see's I'm upset gives me the confidence to know we're in the right place. She is ready to be with a single guy alone.

 

I'm rambling on. Feeling jealous and insecure is part of swinging. Working through this and communication is also part of the lifestyle. Don't assume because your husband says it's all good that he won't in fact need you to reassure him in the future. He is likely feeling more like you than you imagine.

 

Good luck, enjoy the fun and sexy times ahead.

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First off, let me congratulate you both on overcoming the trauma of infidelity. Although it leaves scars, it can be a catalyst for unbelievable growth in a relationship, if you allow it to be. It sounds like this is what you have done, so I just wanted to spotlight that.

 

I just wanted to give my view of what jealousy actually is, because I think it's feared like a demon under the bed, some kind of intangible specter that always waits to nail us in the ass with its green-eyed monster when we least expect it. Jealousy is actually a creation in our own minds. It is something we hurt ourselves with, and it is up to us to remove it from ourselves. Jealousy is not actually the problem: it's just the symptom of the problem. So don't fear it. It's like a 'check engine' light on your car. Don't ignore it, because it's there for a reason, and the problem is real. Otherwise you wouldn't feel anything. If you feel jealous, it's a sign that you need to slow your row and start asking yourself more questions. Don't call it 'jealous'. Use other words instead: Angry? Resentful? Embarrassed? Inadequate? Abandoned (emotionally or physically)? Threatened? Or are you just feeling out of sorts because you're out of your comfort zone and don't know what else to call it? Be honest with yourself. Once you get your labels sorted out, start asking yourself why you feel that way, and don't stop until you figure it out. Then take your discovery to your partner and share it. Ask for help to resolve it by first of all owning it as your own problem, not his. Then, after saying 'This is what I am seeing, feeling and perceiving.', ask him, 'Is this true?' He will then clarify what is really going on. You will need to trust what he says in order for this to work. Usually what we perceive and subsequently think and feel are the product of not having the whole story and letting our (vivid) imaginations fill in the blanks in the most horrendous, hurtful way possible. This happens because when faced with doubt, that slimy little negative voice in our heads is only too happy to help us out with possible scenarios. Fucking bitch. She's like a motherfucking cockroach that just won't die. But I digress...

 

The conversations you will have that are prompted by jealousy are some of the most vulnerable and emotionally empowering ones you will have with your mate. You have to be vulnerable with one another, and this vulnerability seems to spur a deep desire to care for and protect one another. Although it can feel uncomfortable at times, it is a necessary part of the process, and is balanced out by the relief of feeling those fears evaporate...for good. So trust the process, and don't be afraid of the bogeyman. Drag that bastard out from under the bed, put a saddle on him and put the spurs to him. Make him dance.

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