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angelkin

Couple to single to couple again - experienced but now oddly curious like a newbie

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It may seem odd to hear me say that I'm curious about swinging (again) - after all, I've dabbled in swinging a long time, having my first threesome in high school. I feel completely experienced, but now I am nervous all over again.

 

Swinging when I was younger was just fun and casual, I didn't seek it, but enjoyed it when the opportunity presented.

 

Fast forward to my last marriage where we successfully and happily navigated the lifestyle together. That was my first serious foray into swinging and I learned so much and had a great deal of fun. We divorced, nothing to do with the lifestyle, just differences that we couldn't repair.

 

After that, I was a swinging single and it was a completely different experience than being coupled because I only had to consider my own desires, my own feelings. It was freeing in that way because when I was married, he and I viewed the lifestyle differently and we each compromised what we wanted within reason to align with the other.

 

Now, I am in a "new" relationship and very happy. We talked early on about non-monogamy and agreed that we'd get there someday. We've been together over a year and do want to take some baby steps soon - going to a club, exploring with a trusted friend, or soft swapping (or tamer similar activities). Here's the rub...I find myself very nervous. This is the best thing that's ever happened in our lives, I am grateful everyday that we met and fell in love. I am worried about screwing things up, doing things that can't be undone.

 

I know I/we have all the tools in our toolbox to work with if common issues like jealousy, disagreement, or styles don't mesh. We are great communicators, very much in love, and foremost have the other's feelings in mind at all times.

 

I don't necessarily want to swing for the sex, I miss some of my old friends, I miss the sexy atmosphere of being with like-minded people, I miss doing things polite society might consider taboo.

 

I think the thing I struggle with the most is that I feel like a newbie all over again. Negotiating styles and rules, needing to check how the other person is doing at each step (he's a true newbie other than a couple casual experiences in college). I am not looking forward to the angst, the negotiation and compromise, the seeking compatible couples.

 

Has anyone else ever started swinging over with a new partner and care to offer some advice?

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This is a tough one. I have not been in your situation, but I like to give advice, haha.

 

Personally, I would wait until you do want to do it for the sex, when you both are wanting variety when the newness of each other wears down a bit. One year is a short time and you have plenty of years ahead of you. I wouldn't rush it. In a few years you'll know each other better, have been through some tough times, have more tools in your relationship toolbox to deal with the ups and downs of swinging.

 

You can still explore naughty times together. Go to clubs, have sex in front of your friends, go to nudist areas.

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I've not been in the same situation, but I do have one thought that might help. Couples swinging is a team sport, so it is indeed like you are starting over and you rightfully have many things to be both curious and concerned about. Sure, your experience will help navigate the curves in the road a little more smoothly than if neither one of you had any experience, but the whole, the team, is different so there will be the same learning curve that any couple faces when getting into swinging.

 

I think the example on a smaller scale would be playing with someone new for the first time versus someone you have played with several times. The first time always carries a lot more worry and anxiety, but then once you get to know each other and how you fit together, both mentally and physically, then that anxiety goes away. Any time you introduce two things together that are as wonderfully complex as humans are and try to make a team out of that, whether it's a team for an hour for swinging sex, or a lifetime team of two people committed to each other with swinging as part of their relationship, it's not an easy thing to do.

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funcoupledayton said:

You can still explore naughty times together. Go to clubs, have sex in front of your friends, go to nudist areas.

 

These are exactly the baby steps we're considering :) More along the lines of same room sex, exhibitionism, and general exploration. Sounds like we're headed in the right direction. And you're so right, a year is still very new and we're not in a big hurry.

 

I realized in posting in this post that trepidation is not the sole reason we haven't made any real effort to jump into the swinging pool. Our time alone together is valuable to us and we don't get much of it.

 

I appreciate the advice from both you and cplnuswing even though you haven't been in my shoes. I should have asked for general comments instead of specifically from those who have been where we are now.

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We did it!! It was with a trusted swing friend and we'd been all talking about it off and on for weeks. It was organic and wonderful. No issues after, no regret, no jealousy.

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. . . It was organic and wonderful. No issues after, no regret, no jealousy.
I am pleased to know. Sending my best wishes that it continues this way.
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We did it!! It was with a trusted swing friend and we'd been all talking about it off and on for weeks. It was organic and wonderful. No issues after, no regret, no jealousy.

 

You're going to need to change your "status" on your profile. :)

 

Glad it went well.

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I have swung both as a couple and a single lady. I enjoy it more as a single because of the reasons you mentioned. It is so much easier to negotiate my needs. It's much harder trying to find a couple where the four of us get along and the attraction is there.

If I was going to date again, I would look for someone in the lifestyle and been in it for years or familiar with the etiquettes.

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