Sexting, flirting - how do you do it when with swingers?

Hey Guys,

The wife and myself are ready to dive in head first and fast into swinging. We're both very secure, sexual and feel this is long overdue, you have no idea, Well you probably do. Anyways, we had some questions

about swinging in general and what is expected.

1. When exchanging numbers, is it proper to give out both of our numbers? Sexting with the other couple's opposite appropriate prior to meeting?

2. When out on our first date, should we flirt with the other couple half? ie; myself flirt with couples wife while my wife flirts with husband. Is it pretty much just like a normal date? i.e. start kissing while dancing etc etc. or is this some sort of permission based thing? Obviously permission based takes away from the lust and in the moment...I would never ask to kiss a female if I was out on a single date, would just do it, but thinking maybe different circumstances when there is a husband around.

3. Sexting with the other couples opposite appropriate or not after a play date leading up to another? or is it more of a thing where the men make the plans and only communicate with each other. I could see some guys being insecure and would have an issue with this, but figured I would ask what the standard is.

4. Do you find most couples that do full swap are one and done types? i.e. just there to meet and fuck as many couples as possible rarely seeing the same couple twice?

5. We've read a lot about people being flakes. Is this more common than not? We obviously don't want to waste our time dealing with people that cancel, no show or say they will call us to break the ice (an to voice verify) and than just vanish. We're hoping to not chase people around, we have a profile on sls and hoping to find people are more mature about finding sexual couples that don't think act like their still in college and play the phone game. What's the general experience here? if there is one?

I think that's it for now...Thanks a bunch you sexy people

Welcome to the Swingers Board!

Keep in mind that there are as many ways to swing as there are swingers, but I'll tell you what we do and I don't think we are too far outside what is typical.

1. We usually just give out one or the other number, and that just for letting them know you're running a few minute late, etc. Since we figure by the time we might have need to do that, they're together, and we're together, no need to confuse things with a bunch of different phone numbers. No, we don't sext before we have met them because we don't know yet whether we would even want to sext with them. Someone trying to sext with us before they have even met us would put up a red flag.

2. Yes, similar to dating, but yes, always ask permission. I will say I have kissed without asking first, but I didn't just dive right in on it either. Kissing is one of those things by the time we are adults we have probably learned how that works. If you are on the dance floor and kind of ease towards a kiss, you should be able to tell if that's a good idea or not before you've even committed to it. Be careful there though, there's always a chance you think you are reading someone right and you aren't. If you ask first, then you don't have to worry about it.

3. Sexting afterwards varies. Used to we didn't at all, now we will if it is a couple we are really comfortable and good friends with. Again, everyone is different, but I'd just say tread carefully there.

4. It depends. Some prefer that style, other will pair up in exclusive type relationships where they only play with one couple. Since you asked about "most", I would say that most fall in between. Someone they had a really good experience with and connect with well, they will likely want to see again. If the experience was ok but not a lot of other connection there, then probably just once. So it just depends, I think most people do a mix depending the circumstances.

5. Yes, there are plenty of flakes, but they are pretty easy to identify and I think how you write your profile can go a long way toward weeding them out before you even have to deal with them contacting you, much less meeting them. The more serious and adult sounding your user name, profile, etc. come off, the less attention it gets from flakes. We've always taken the approach we would much rather have fewer but good contacts than lots of contacts. I'm sure we've missed some great folks doing it that way, but we get to swing as much as we want to and have yet to had anybody stand us up, suddenly vanish online, etc. and we have a pretty good batting average on those we actually get to the meet phase with being someone we are glad we have met.

Hope that helps, and any more questions just fire away. We well remember how that was when we first started too

Thanks a bunch, what you said makes sense.

Welcome to the lifestyle, and to this excellent forum!

You've already gotten some great answers to your questions. Here are just a couple additional thoughts.

We usually exchange numbers in advance of a first meeting (for coordinating with the other couple), rather than immediately on making first email contact. We also generally give only one of our numbers out at that point- it's sufficient for the immediate purpose, and halves the potential problems if the other couple turns out to be stalkers or something! We probably would not do any sexting with a couple we hadn't met before- too many potential problems lurking there. On the other hand, we have done plenty of sexting lately with a few couples that we are good friends with, and who are playful people. We just try to be open with our spouses about it, lest any jealousy creep in. We also stay sensitive to the privacy needs of our friends, for example not sending the really juicy stuff to the people we know are at work, or having their grandchildren over!

On the flirting question, we try to gauge the mood at a first meeting, generally keeping the flirting to a minimum in a first get-together (we also state up front in our SLS profile that we generally do not play on a first meeting, although it has been known to happen with a couple that we really click with). That said, we try to arrange the seating so that the Mrs. and I are seated next to the opposite number of the other couple. That way we can do a tiny bit of getting closer (I'm talking about a casual arm touch here, rather than going in for a make-out session!) if things are going well and our play partners seem OK with it. Now on a subsequent meeting, one where everybody is thinking that this is likely to be a play date if we all click, the flirting definitely happens. Casual arm touches turn into a light stroking of the arm, then maybe an arm around, then a hand on a thigh... well, you get the idea. This has really helped us to make that otherwise awkward transition from talking about our kids and jobs, to getting naked! Some kissing on the dance floor would not be out of line there, if the object of your kissing seems to be up for it. I will tell you that a polite request of the other couple's spouse at this point, rather than being awkward, will probably score you big points and let them know that you are respectful of both members of the other couple.

We are often NOT one-and-done people, and we hope that the couples we choose to play with are the same way. That's not to say that we have had repeat play dates with everybody we've played with- sometimes we find that it's just not working for both the Mrs. and me, so we do not reach out for subsequent play dates. But what we are looking for is a group of continuing friends with benefits, not just notches on the bedpost!

So, yes- we have had a few odd situations with people, people who we are writing back and forth with and then just disappear, or other weird occurrences. But those people have been the exception, luckily for us. We have had the occasional oddball, or the couple you seem to really like on paper, but who turn out to be really bizarre in person, or the couple who you should be perfect with based on profiles but who give you the "no thanks" when you invite them out. But we figure that a little of this kind of experience is just the "cost of doing business", and we try to be thick-skinned and just move on. All the fun experiences we've had (in the six months we've been at this!) have definitely been worth the occasional weirdness or disappointment.

Good luck in your entry into the lifestyle, keep asking questions, keep talking with your spouse, and let us know what happens next!

Welcome, I will just add a little to what has been said.

I have sexted before playing with someone. It is a bad idea. You've heard the phrase, "Your mouth is writing checks your ass can't cash," right? That is the scenario. If you meet and you're not feeling it, or they aren't all they say they are it can be really awkward if you've exchanged a bunch of steamy texts. It's just not worth it, trust me!

Flirt, but don't be over the top and read body language. If in doubt, ask.

We are not typically one and done, we've had the same friends/play partners for years. However, swinging is about variety and everyone is on the look out for something new. We don't play with the same people too frequently, generally we play with someone 2 or 3 times a year. that works for us, not to get attached and to have time to do other things. Out of hundreds of couples we know, we actually don't know anyone who adheres to one and done. Some are definitely more prolific than others, but if there's chemistry, everyone we know will go again. If things don't go well, many people don't go back for seconds.

Yes, there are flakes. We got cancelled on last minute all the time the first year. Now we only meet people at a club or an event.

Welcome, I will just add a little to what has been said.

I could not have said it better than this. Our feelings are almost exactly the same. This realization comes from experience.

I'm hoping I can hear some stories, experiences from the younger crowd as well. We're late 20's early 30's and I must say, I think the younger crowd may differ from the older crowd. Than again it may not, but after doing some searching on this site and reading, I've found many people actually do sexting, however, they didn't mention their age or circumstances ie; new partners vs friends.

Welcome to the forum, prinmattus!

I'm hoping I can hear some stories, experiences from the younger crowd as well. We're late 20's early 30's and I must say, I think the younger crowd may differ from the older crowd. Than again it may not, but after doing some searching on this site and reading, I've found many people actually do sexting, however, they didn't mention their age or circumstances ie; new partners vs friends.

I wasn't going to respond because you have already gotten quality responses from others but I figured I'd ring in since we started swinging 3 years ago in our late 20s and now we're in our early 30s (well, I am anyways).

1. When exchanging numbers, is it proper to give out both of our numbers? Sexting with the other couple's opposite appropriate prior to meeting?

 

2. When out on our first date, should we flirt with the other couple half? ie; myself flirt with couples wife while my wife flirts with husband. Is it pretty much just like a normal date? ie; start kissing while dancing etc etc.. or is this some sort of permission based thing? Obviously permission based takes away from the lust and in the moment..I would never ask to kiss a female if I was out on a single date, would just do it, but thinking maybe different circumstances when there is a husband around.

 

3. Sexting with the other couples opposite appropriate or not after a play date leading up to another? or is it more of a thing where the men make the plans and only communicate with each other. I could see some guys being insecure and would have an issue with this, but figured I would ask what the standard is.

 

4. Do you find most couples that do full swap are one and done types? Ie; just there to meet and fuck as many couples as possible rarely seeing the same couple twice?

 

5. We've read alot about people being flakes. Is this more common than not? We obviously don't want to waste our time dealing with people that cancel, no show or say they will call us to break the ice (an to voice verify) and than just vanish. We're hoping to not chase people around, we have a profile on sls and hoping to find people are more mature about finding sexual couples that don't think act like their still in college and play the phone game. What's the general experience here? if there is one?

1. When we first started swinging, we would exchange both numbers if we were comfortable, whether we met them before or not. However, just as funcoupledayton eloquently explained, it's not a good idea if you haven't met them yet. Picture attraction is one thing, in person is another. Pictures can be fake. Pictures can be old. They could be photoshopped, good lighting, etc. You don't really know 100% if there's an attraction until you meet them in person and chat with them. Sometimes, people can be great texters but not much fun in person. Sexting before actually meeting them in person is a lot of teasing and expectation that you can't take back if you find that you aren't really attracted to them once you see them in person. It's best to just avoid that type of situation by not engaging in sexting until after you have met them and 100% sure you want to play (or have played) with them.

2. Whenever we meet another couple, whether it's at a party or one-on-one, it's not necessarily a "pairing up" but everyone is involved in the conversation. Sometimes, the men will chat and the women will listen. Sometimes vice versa. Sometimes it's mixed and everyone is contributing. It really depends on what is being said and the personalities of those involved. Some people are quieter than others while some are more outgoing.

As for permission, definitely make sure everyone is okay with the situation. During our first experience, I can not be more grateful in how our first couple asked for permission every step of the way to show that they respected us as a couple. Just imagine if you weren't okay with the other male starting to having sex with your wife and he doesn't ask permission. Would you create a scene? Would you keep it inside but then blow up about it at your wife once you guys are home? Wouldn't you much rather avoid either of those options and prefer that the other male asks first? In other words, be the respectful male that you would like your wife to swing with.

3. Once you know a couple and have played with them, sexting differs from couple to couple. Some couples want to keep swinging separate from the rest of their lives and don't want texts/sexts from couples during non-swinging times. Other couples don't mind mingling the two. Then there are couples who only do sexting with couples they are really comfortable with. And, yes, you will find that some couples only want the men to text with the male half and females with female.

4. Again, this depends on the couple and it could just be a case-by-case thing for them as well. We have done one-and-done with some couples and multiple times with others. Sometimes you will find that after playing with a couple, you don't really want a repeat. There are couples that want quantity and others that want quality. Some like both or perhaps go in phases. It can be easy for new swingers to go toward quantity because everything is exciting but then change into wanting quality.

5. If you go strictly with the online profile process, you will find a lot more flakes/fakes. If you don't want to deal with a lot of that, then I would highly recommend doing swinger clubs, parties, and maybe some meet and greets. Those who go to clubs/parties/M&Gs are much more serious and aren't just hiding behind their computer screen. Will you still come across couples who aren't into swinging but there to watch? Yes, but that's just how it is. They might just be testing the waters and be new to swinging--taking a slower approach. For example, the first few times we went to a swinger club, we didn't swap with anyone and only engaged in exhibitionism. Did that mean that we weren't serious about swinging? No, we were just going slowly and making sure we both were comfortable with the environment and having sex with others around us before going any further (not to mention we were a bit shy about interacting with others).

Regarding 3: we and a couple use group texting. Every text is going the three other members. It's real fun & creates (more) bonding and it is really useful and quick to make an appointment by a few texts by and to all if we want to get a drink e.g. It also prevents one of us feeling left out. We use WhatsApp for this.

For us I usually give my number to the other female, we make the plans for the first time, we generally talk to both of them on the phone a few times and we meet for coffee one day and get to know each other.  If we hit it off at coffee, we set the date.  I am a shamless flirt and enjoy sexting with both the husband and wife but generally don't do any of that until the first date.  While on the date, if the chemistry is there I am very flirty with both of them, cause its who I am and  I find it eases the tension.  Once we have had sex with a couple we generally exchange numbers with all of us and if they like we create a group chat and flirt there.  That way all of the setting is out in the open.