I want my husband to be more open-minded

Hi everyone. I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this but I really don't know where else to turn. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to get my husband to open up to the idea of me sleeping with other men.

I feel like I missed out on a big part of my sex life. I'm 27 years old and I've only slept with two people. My husband and my boyfriend in high school. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I understand there are probably lots of women who would be happy with that. And I'm not saying that I want to be a total slut and just sleep around with lots of guys. It's just that this is not how I pictured my sex life would be. When I went to college I had this list of things I wanted to experience and I never did any of them. I met my husband my freshman year and we dated through all four years of college and got married after we graduated.

When we first started dating everything just seemed so much more wild and free. My husband was the first (and only) guy that I've watched porn with. We had sex in public a lot. And we talked about our fantasies all the time. We even did role-playing during sex. I won't say that I expected that we would be swingers, but he knew my fantasies before we were married and I guess I thought that fulfilling these fantasies together by inviting others into our bedroom would be part of our marriage.

He wants nothing to do with any of it though and he doesn't even like talking about my fantasies anymore. I almost feel like that the man I married is not the man I dated. I realize all married couples go through slumps in their sex life, but it is more than that. The more I want to spice things up the more he wants to keep them the same. When we were dating and I would tell him some of my fantasies he would say that it really turned him on. He even asked me several times if I would ever go through with them. When I said that I would he would tell me how hot I was. But now it's like he forgot all of that.

I don't want to divorce my husband but I don't know that I can go the rest of my life without fulfilling at least some of my fantasies.

What do I do?

First of all, welcome to the forum, Ashley1987! Second of all, there's nothing wrong with being a "slut". We don't view that word in a derogatory or negative way here.

As for you and your husband...perhaps you can see what has created this change in him? Something must have occurred from then to now. If he is religious, it might also play a hand in viewing sex in the manner he does now versus then. For some people, they see marriage as being a time to "tighten up" where the marriage bed has to be kept pure. He might also be stressed out from work, have some family issues that are bothering him, or health issues. Other than this, are there other marital issues?

Sex within a marriage can often be dependent on all of the above variables as well as others. Once the marriage and sex is in a healthy and loving place, only then can an exploration into fetishes, fantasies, etc. be done in a healthy way that is good for the relationship. To try fantasies/fetishes/etc. under pressure, ultimatums, or as a last resort to fix a relationship is a recipe for disaster.

Make this about him and your marriage and go from there. If you can get him to open up to you on what may be bothering him, support him, communicate, and give him time...then perhaps it will open up a new chapter in the relationship that may lead to fulfilling those fantasies together. Best of luck and I hope you keep us updated!

First, I want to welcome you to Swingersboard.

Is there significance in the fact that you have posted your question in the Open Marriage / Swinging Separately forum? How have you been characterizing "swing" to your husband? Is it "let's meet people as a couple" or is it "I want to go out on play dates with guys and if I do that, you can go out on play dates with girls?" Finally, has he described to you his reasons for being reluctant?

Hi! First of all: welcome!

One question from me to understand the situation better: did you discuss your feelings with him, does he know how much you miss that side of your sexuality? Another thing that comes to mind is the large open space which can lie between sharing fantasies and fulfilling them. If my wife and I are really horny, we can describe very heavy stuff we wouldn't do for real in a million years. We both know that so it's ok. That's why it is important to (also) have talks about what you (and he) wants outside the bedroom too. Without the heated sex environment and in the cool living room couch atmosphere. Maybe he saw your fantasies you shared (even the talk to do it for real) just as that, fantasies. And role play underlined that maybe.

So. Does he knows? Does he really knows you want to do that in reality? Did you discuss this outside the bedroom?

MrDiscover

Welcome to the Swingers Board, great to have you as a member!

You may be thinking you came here for answers but what you are getting are questions, but that's because people here sincerely do want to provide the best answer they can, and to do that takes understanding the situation the best we can. Sometimes being presented a question causes the answer to reveal itself all on its own too.

What does your husband perceive swinging to be? Swinging in urban lore and swinging in practice operate quite differently. He may have a totally incorrect perception of what swinging is and how it works. In fact, I would guarantee he does, and probably you too at this point. Everyone does going into it, it's just a matter of how far off the mark you are. Spending some time doing some posting and reading here will go a long way toward filling that perception vs reality gap, but it may be a case where he thinks swinging is no holds barred mass orgies where anything goes, whether you want it to or not. Or he may think there aren't any swingers like yourselves in terms of age, interests, etc. Trust me, there are in fact swingers just like yourselves; any demographic you can think of, there's some swingers in it. But, if you think you are going to stand out like a sore thumb as being "different" from the rest of the group, then it's hard to get too excited about wanting to be part of that group.

So what I am saying is educate yourself and along the way, help educate him to give him good info to work on. Having those conversations can also lead to good communication about some of the other issues that have been brought forward. Swinging may or may not be in the cards for you two. But what is in the cards I think is you are 27, so still young, and feel sexually unfulfilled. That's not a good combination. If he's smart, he'll realize that's not a good combination either. That doesn't mean swinging is the solution, but a solution does need to be found and worked on for the long-term health of the relationship.

Welcome Ashley1987.

It must be so frustrating and scary for you, thinking that where you are now is pretty much how it's going to be for the duration. Well it doesn't have to be. I remember myself only a few years ago... We were in our late 30's early 40's, raising two toddlers having been married happily (sleepily) for 8 years. And I would think about our sex life in exactly the same way that you talk about yours...in the past tense. For us there was a 5 year gap of a sexless relationship...we kept the ball rolling but it was pretty vanilla. We were both silently unfulfilled and busy with life and if at anytime MR G brought up any kind of scenario, fantasy or desire, even watching a porn movie I would shut down instantly and not even want to talk about it. I was intimidated, inhibited and I would think to myself that I wasn't good enough that I must be boring if he desires more than what I give. What i'm saying is there must have been a period or in my case a chasm where there was disconnect. Where the ball has just been kept rolling. And now one of you is bringing up scary stuff like sharing and acting out fantasies because like you say 'It's just that this is not how I pictured my sex life would be.' which probably scares or maybe puts pressure on him. He could be feeling anything from inadequacy to intimidation or fear that he's going to lose you. This was the number one thing that crossed my mind when we opened ourselves to just talking about our fantasies. The dialogue for me was...I'm not (x) enough, he wants someone else someone who's more (fill in the blank), So I buried my head in the sand and hoped I wasn't right.

Well I wasn't right in fact I was so far off the mark.

But your approach needs to be slow and positive if you really want to build something and that might not be in the LS or it might be, who am I to say. But Coming from a place of love, connection, intimacy and having the desire to create something together rather than what sounds like you being upset and regretful is the way to go. When I read your post it sounds like you're at the end...had enough...can't take it anymore and even throwing the D word around. Take swinging off the table for now and concentrate on the two of you. For us the lifestyle came once and only once we had reconnected, learned to trust each other again, and felt the intimacy that had been missing for so long. The husband I have now is not the same one from 5 years ago or even 10 years ago. You need to find each other again which in most cases I've found to be more fun than actually swinging.

Welcome to the board!

Tim recently read the 50 Shades Trilogy written by El James as it was written from a woman's point of view not the mans he found it really educational and my big macho man found a depth in him he did not really know before. One big lesson learnt was that we women need to be given permission from our men to go for the naughty kinky fuckery sides of our nature as we are reticent to do this incase we frighten off our man. We also like to be "made" to do stuff during sex rather than take the lead. All the same we want him to take the lead and know what we want. No wonder men get confused sometimes!

My point? Bear in mind what I have said above talk to him remind him how you used to play and you want him to play with you again, don't go near swinging yet. Once he is back into role plays start to introduce some more fantasies and further on maybe suggest you add a third person into the fun. Go for a women he will love seeing you two together and give him permission to fuck her if it goes that far. The next time maybe another couple so it is even for both so you get your fucking as well.

Tim said the other night do you remember when we were first together and were away for a loving weekend. He got me drunk on red wine which made me as horny as hell I turned round and said to him I am as horny as hell I want to be your slut bitch so fuck my arse really hard! He spanked me for talking dirty then fucked it hard it was wonderful and we never looked back. If all else fails stick your finger up his butt and massage his prostate the results are usually spectacular.

Apologies if I have been a bit too frank, private message if you want to chat

M x

Lots of good advice here. Some of the key take-aways are to not attempt swinging until you get stuff sorted out (REALLY sorted out), to talk to one another about the real underlying unspoken issues (insecurities, assumptions, fears, and outright aversions), and to come at this with an attitude of loving-kindness for one another. The priority is convey that your relationship is the most important thing. If it's not, then swinging is like pulling the pin on a hand grenade. Don't do it.

You want to find out what's changed between then and now (dating vs. marriage), and why. Ask him this with the sole intent of finding the answer to the question...not to manipulate him into changing his mind or feelings about it. His feelings are what they are; you are much better off accepting them as they are and respecting his right to feel as he does. Listening to him and coming to understand why he feels this way is the best thing you can do.

I'm 27 years old ...it's just that this is not how I pictured my sex life would be.... I guess I thought that fulfilling these fantasies together by inviting others into our bedroom would be part of our marriage.... But now it's like he forgot all of that....I don't want to divorce my husband but I don't know that I can go the rest of my life without fulfilling at least some of my fantasies.

Ashley,

Life has an interesting way of turning out different from what humans expect. Some events turn out to be pleasant surprises. Some events turn out less so. None of us know precisely how a marriage is going to turn out. Only you --with your husband--can decide if you want to spend your lives together. It's a conversation that needs to happen. Couples change. Expectations change. The question is whether the partners want to change and find satisfaction and joy in changing together.

Worrying about how many sex partners you've had at age 27 is less important than whether you find your partnership with your husband--in all its dimensions--fulfilling. If not, you probably owe it to each other to try counseling so you can open up to a third party about where you feel the marriage is falling short. That third party is important, because it can be painful and hurtful to tell the one you love where you feel shortchanged. Counseling may help you open that line of communication. Folks in the LS will tell you that being able to honestly express "I want" and I need" and know that your partner will continue to love you is foundational to their relationship.

Some couples in this world get by one or both suppressing their fantasies and living quiet lives. Some couples turn out to be so mismatched in expectations and desires that splitting up is the kindest thing they can do for one another...but they have to be prepared to be alone for a very long time. A few couples find ways to accommodate and even prioritize their partner's needs and desires above their own and find joy in doing so.

Ask him what his greatest desire is.

Swinging is a magnifying glass: If the relationship is good it can make it spectacular but if it isn't it can end it as it magnifies the problems. Also, the LAST thing a guy wants is for his wife to say 'we need to talk'. Try to reconnect and return back to where you were, then start taking those small steps...start with the fantasies, then role play, and work towards more from there. I don't know if you are open to it, but there's not very many guys who would say no to their wife asking if they can have a threesome with another woman...