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Dealing with insecurities around swinging

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When first starting off what did you do to deal with the insecurities/fears of swinging?

 

For example

- As a guy what if I'm not good enough in bed to please the other woman?

- What if my wife feels the other guy(s) is better?

- I'm not in the best shape so will the other girl be turned off?

- I'm a business professional so what if some how the word spreads that I'm sharing my wife?

- What if some time later my wife really likes it and wants to continue but i want to take a step back from the LS?

 

Would love to hear your thoughts :)

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For me, it's pretty much down to cultivating a positive attitude...

 

- As a guy what if I'm not good enough in bed to please the other woman?

 

I've heard it said that sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's ok. The truth of the matter is sometimes you will find someone with whom it turns out you just aren't sexually compatible for whatever reason. When that happens, you either "expand your palette" or you chalk it up to a learning experience and get on with your life.

 

- What if my wife feels the other guy(s) is better?

 

I've never found it a question of being better, only of being different. When I've watched my wife going nuts with another guy, I get off on the fact that she's getting off. Later, when we reconnect (which is to say fuck like bunnies, turned on by the memory of swinging :) ), it's sweeter for the experience. Heck, sometimes I learn something new.

 

- I'm not in the best shape so will the other girl be turned off?

 

It's possible. In that case, you don't hook up with her. The hardest part of swinging is learning to deal with rejection. It will happen. A lot. The key, I've found, is not to take it as a judgement of you. Just move on the next couple.

 

- I'm a business professional so what if some how the word spreads that I'm sharing my wife?

 

If that is a serious concern for you, you might want to be very careful. In general, all swingers are in the same boat... every club I've been to has a basic rule that what happen at the club stays at the club.

 

- What if some time later my wife really likes it and wants to continue but i want to take a step back from the LS?

 

A basic rule of swinging is that a couple should move at the pace of the slowest member. If one member of the couple wants to step back, the other member should respect that. Communication and honesty are key.

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Question 1 and 2 are related, and different and better are both the same and not the same. With someone new, things likely won't go as smoothly as they do between you two. Only makes sense, you've had sex together many, many times, so everything just sort of naturally fits where it should just through practice. It probably won't go as easy someone new, and that's where the different comes in, and it can be both awkward and hugely exciting at the same time. You may not feel like you're doing a good job, but the being different has things so ramped up that you are and just don't know it.

 

It's hard to know what someone means by not in the best shape. If you have worries since you are less than a rock hard Adonis, then don't worry, you aren't going to find many of those in swinging. If you are so far out of shape that it is getting in the way of confidence and your own self-worth, then it may be somewhat of a problem, but more because of the latter than the former. As Lionheart says, rejection happens. The way we try to look at it is just like we don't feel the necessary chemistry to play with some folks, no reason to expect that everyone or even most see that same chemistry just because they are looking at us.

 

Discretion is always an issue. Apply some common sense though and things will be fine.

 

Most couples have an agreement that if one wants to stop, then you stop, no matter what, which is how it should be. The only caveat I put on that though is there is a difference between stopping because your beliefs or whatever change, and stopping because of one person's frustration with a bad experience, it didn't live up to their expectations right off the bat, or whatever. When those feelings are held by one and not the other, then I think it's worth talking through ideas on what maybe can be done differently to fix the problem. There might not be a fix, and so you stop, but I think there would be less resentment having talked through those options instead of just putting up a sudden stop sign with no further discussion or explanation.

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Everyone has insecurities and they will also vary depending on the situation, sometime you wont even know you were insecure about something until you're put into a situation. For me its always about fun and fantasy. If things get awkward I inject a little humor which always has a way of reliving tension.

 

As far as your wife feeling the other guy is better, so what. I enjoy it when another guys can do something for my wife I have not done before. I may or may not try and repeat it for her but usually we make sure we don't lose the guys number. LOL Playing in the lifestyle has actually removed a lot of insecurities I had. She always come home with me!!!

 

As for quitting. We have a no questions asked policy. If either of us say no to anything there is no discussion. Done, no looking back. We have both used this "power of veto" a few times and it has never failed.

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- As a guy what if I'm not good enough in bed to please the other woman?

 

Practice, practice, practice.

 

- What if my wife feels the other guy(s) is better?

 

As long as she is still going home with you, it's all good. So what if someone else is 'better' at sex, they're not better at love and she LOVES me. Would you leave the woman you love for another woman who was 'better' at sex? Don't think so.

 

- I'm not in the best shape so will the other girl be turned off?

 

This is an old joke that for some reason has always stuck in my mind: I may be fat but you're [ugly/stupid/short/insert your favorite remark here] and I can always go on a diet.

 

When we started swinging, it gave us motivation to improve ourselves...started working out more, working on sexual technique, communicating more, giving feedback to each other, and more. We still loved each other, but people tend to get complacent after time. This gave us incentive to work on things that we wanted and/or needed to work on which made things between the two of us even stronger and better.

 

- I'm a business professional so what if some how the word spreads that I'm sharing my wife?

 

Everyone (almost without exception) shares this concern to some degree. The thing is anyone who sees you at an event is at that same event most likely for the same reason as you are. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I haven't really heard of anyone getting 'outed' who wasn't involved in helping it along (volunteering information to vanilla friends or the like).

 

- What if some time later my wife really likes it and wants to continue but i want to take a step back from the LS?

 

As previously said by others, this is a team sport. If she ever wants to stop, I would stop in a second with no regrets and some fantastic memories. She is MUCH more important than anything that has happened because of the LS.

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This is what is really cool about this site. We get to talk about insecurities. Hell most people will never put themsleves into a postion where they really have to deal with these feelings on such a intimate and core level. Sharing with others how we overcome them is what, in my opinion makes this a site that I keep returning to.

 

I think that proves you are human. I had the same feelings as you. I learned that I do not have to be the best for my wife for her to love me. Yes their are better looking men than me. Yes that young stud is going to make her moan like you have never heard before. She probably do things with another lover she does not normally do with you. It happens. I just make it a point to enjoy her enjoying herself. Focus on the woman you are with while your wife is with another. People can make mistakes. Rules might be stretched. In the end I have found that I had a great time and for some reason my wife always seems to have the most fun. Women can take much more sex than one man can give. God just made them that way.

 

Good luck ... stay positive and enjoy yourself while she is enjoying herself.

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I think these are the things that you must talk about openly before engaging in the lifestyle. You sound genuinely concerned and I think that is wonderful. Talk about these things and you should be fine...

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When first starting off what did you do to deal with the insecurities/fears of swinging?

 

For example

- As a guy what if I'm not good enough in bed to please the other woman?

 

Ran into this once. My wife and I were having fun with another couple. The wife of the other couple was attractive enough, and I liked her, but in bed she was...rather lacking. She was insanely vigorous, and I felt like I was in a car wash or something. Try as she did, I just couldn't get it up for the car wash. Disappointing. Things wrapped up with my wife and the husband of the other couple, and after a few minutes of chit-chat, we beat a hasty retreat. The evening bothered me for sometime. You just get over it and move on. You can't please everyone, and not everyone can please you.

 

- What if my wife feels the other guy(s) is better?

 

Awesome!

 

Seriously.

 

I've heard sounds coming from my wife while she's having sex with other men that I've never heard before. At first, it kinda boggled me in a subtle negative way. But, that quickly passed. I was happy she was enjoying it so much. The point of swinging is to have fun. I don't want to tell my wife "Hey, have fun...but don't have too much fun!" Umm, excuse me? Hey, if the other guy is better than I am, then I hope she gets to have sex with him lots and lots and lots. Our relationship is far more than sex. If she can get better girlfriend advice from her girlfriend, wouldn't I want her to get better advice from her girlfriend? Same goes for sex. Ok, it's not that interchangeable but you get the picture. There are zillions of facets of our relationship. Sex is just one of them, albeit an important one. A sex partner isn't taking her away from me. She loves me, values what we have, and wouldn't dream of damaging it or walking away from it. If she gets better sex from him, great!

 

- I'm not in the best shape so will the other girl be turned off?

 

*shrug* See #1. You can't please everyone. If they're attracted to you, they're attracted to you. I'm not attracted to every woman that walks past me, and I'm sure it's likewise for them. That's just normal life.

 

- I'm a business professional so what if some how the word spreads that I'm sharing my wife?

 

It's a concern. But, the chances are small...especially if you keep your mouth shut about it to people who are not already swingers themselves. An answer I often see here...Ok, so you run into Joe and Jane. Jane's a co-worker of yours, and you've met Joe before at company socials. OMG! THE HORROR!!! WHAT IF THEY TELL?!?!?! Umm...tell...how? "Hey everyone! I've got some juicy gossip! I saw Jim and Sarah at a swinger's club!"...um, Joe and Jane just admitted they go to a swinger club themselves. Kinda hard to share the gossip, eh?

 

If it still concerns you, don't post face pics on any swinger site, don't use your real names when swinging, don't play at your home. People get worked up about this enough to never play unless they are hours from home...and we still hear stories of people running into co-workers and what not, even so.

 

 

- What if some time later my wife really likes it and wants to continue but i want to take a step back from the LS?

 

That's easy. You both stop. Swinging isn't a his and hers kind of thing. It's a couple thing. If you're not on the same page, if you're not roughly in the same place, you shouldn't proceed unless you discuss it more and make sure everything is kosher. I.e., if you want to stop but you're ok with your wife and she wants to, then she can continue. If you're not ok with it, then it stops...else she's cheating on you. Vice versa applies too.

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When first starting off what did you do to deal with the insecurities/fears of swinging?

 

For example

- As a guy what if I'm not good enough in bed to please the other woman?

 

If you are worried about performing you will most likely not perform. A good woman will take an equal part in the experience. You are not her slave.

 

- What if my wife feels the other guy(s) is better?

 

I'm thinking you are hoping your wife enjoys the experience. A new cock/body/personality is going to feel exciting and refreshing the same way a different woman feels to you. Have fun and when the night is over you are both still married.

 

- I'm not in the best shape so will the other girl be turned off?

 

Most people are not magazine models. In my experience woman are the most insecure about their appearance. Confidence is sexy.

 

- I'm a business professional so what if some how the word spreads that I'm sharing my wife?

 

That would not be good. Or it may lead to more opportunities. Maybe an advancement :) Be as discreet as possible and choose your playmates wisely or this is may not be for you.

 

 

- What if some time later my wife really likes it and wants to continue but i want to take a step back from the LS?

 

Respect your wife and she might respect you.

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