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How to tell wife about swinging?

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As a guy when you bring up the idea of swinging, how do you do it in a way that doesn't look like a deal where it's about a you getting to sleep with other women?

 

As the guy it is a lot about actually wanting to see our lady being satisfied and the rush of her with another man... but how do i effectively convey this idea.... and not her thinking that the reason u allow her to be with other men is because you want to be with other women too.

 

Of course i'd love to be with other women too but that's not the only reason... so how do u have this conversation?

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You need to be really subtle. Have you seen A Christmas Story? If so, recall how Ralphie left the Red Ryder BB Gun ad conveniently tucked into his mother's magazine? Do that.

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I think the way many people have that first conversation is as a hypothetical. It may be initiated by a tv show, news report, finding out that some acquaintances are swingers, or whatever. Talk it through as a hypothetical "what would we do?" in that same situation, and what you find out from each other may be surprising, even if the answer isn't "let's do it!"

 

Another way is to do what you have done and come here :) Just share with her you found this really interesting website with lots of info and food for thought, and use the topics here as something you can discuss, again as hypotheticals. Keeping things hypothetical isn't meant to be sneaky, but demonstrates that as the previous poster explained, this about about the two of you, and not one of you. Any couple has spent time discussing things that may or may not ever happen - should we move, should we change jobs, should we have kids or more kids, etc. On all of those, you discuss it together just as something that might or might not ever happen, and there isn't a set answer you are working towards, but it worth the time to discuss nonetheless. That same approach works with swinging too.

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For us it started with reading erotic stories. Expressing support for her positive responses to the themes where the wife experiences other men was a beginning. Between reading stories and our pillow talk I began to move from fantasy to bucket list thoughts. This wasn't planned or with intent, it's just how it evolved. Our tipping point was on vacation at a resort that had a few swingers there. An edgy atmosphere but not blatantly in your face. We learned that swingers could be people just like us. On the same trip we met a couple. The Mrs. was absolutely in lust with the husband. Nothing happened, but my support of her emotions and desires led to some crazy fun in our bed. It took her quite a while to be able to return the feelings of compersion. A lot of reassuring and a lot of me doting on her and expressing that she would always be the most special person in my life. Now two years later we're more solid than ever and living a life that we never could have imagined.

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This is such an important topic. The hard part, I think, is the verb.

 

We have known each other (the FLs) for four decades. Early on in the relationship, we made many mistakes on communication. One can ask/tell about what happened at work that day. "Ask/tell" doesn't fit the larger questions in our lives--children, jobs, housing. Here's an example of where I (Mr FL) made a mistake. This was three decades ago, a couple of years after we had married. We needed a new car, had visited several dealerships, taken the test drives etc. There was a great deal of "Tell me what you think about this choice..." and valid responses. It was August, end of model year, there were deals to be made but cars were disappearing off the lot. So one afternoon, I went to the dealer and made the payment. Went home, "Honey, I paid for the car, let's go pick it up."

 

Silence. Look that could freeze boiling water. Every man in a relationship that has lasted more than 6 months knows this look. Sometimes accompanied by "Wow", loosely translated as "I had no idea that you were capable of this level of insensitivity."

 

At the dealer I offered her the existing car that we had shared (and she liked) and said that if she hated the new one after she drove it to the gas station and filled the tank, I would drive the new one and she would never have to deal with it. Got to the gas station, offered her the keys to the old car and was quickly told that she was going to drive "her new car". She loved it, of course. However, it took a while to get past my error.

 

So the problem was that "ask/tell" was the wrong strategy. We needed to get the topic out into the open, look at it shoulder to shoulder and make sure that our views were in alignment before proceeding. We do this much better and much faster today. This includes LS conversations. Here are some things you might find useful.

 

1. Regardless of how the conversation is started, non-monogamy is a very unfamiliar and scary destination. In the context of a marriage or other committed relationship, the mere suggestion of sex outside the relationship raises two anxieties: (1) "I am not (good) enough for you" and (2) "You want our relationship to end". What other posters have mentioned--reading a magazine article, watching a TV show,... and using that as a framework for discussion--is a pretty good strategy. However, starting the conversation that way will not address the anxieties around non-monogamy. If your relationship is insecure on any level, if you feel a need to somehow test your relationship, both the conversation and the LS itself are going to be uncomfortable.

 

2. Conversations are, by definition, two-way. You will get an initial response. The most important thing is to keep the conversation going. Keeping the conversation going means keeping it open ended. "What do you think about (aspects of the lifestyle).." is much more likely to keep the conversation going than "Would you ever consider...".

 

3. Bear in mind that, different from conversations about kids, jobs, houses, this is a conversation that best remains private within the couple. Anxiety that leads to further conversations with {sister|hairdresser|friend} about the topic tend to go negative fairly quickly, see anxieties listed above. Every couple has a different way of creating and maintaining a "safe haven" where what happens between them remains truly private. What's important here is that "safe haven" not be between the sheets for the purposes of a reflection about the LS. LS reflections and conversations are typically out on a walk, or at the kitchen table after the kids have gone to sleep, etc.

 

4. Now that the verbs are clearer: converse and discuss and reflect versus ask/tell, the next most important element is the pronoun. There is only one workable subject: "We". There is only one workable object: "Us". The relationship is more important than the LS.

 

5. The LS has lots of dimensions. Different dimensions appeal to different people differently. You know your significant other better than anyone else. What is there that s/he would like to do with you that you are uncomfortable doing? Get you to dance? Go to a costume party? See that movie? LS people are people first. They tend to be social people. Doing those things with people who like to have fun with other people can be an important entree/catalyst to the LS. With Hallowe'en coming up, a great time to to go to an adult party in costume, if only to people watch and then go home erotically charged.

 

6. Take it slow. The only expectation you should have is around your partner's pleasure and happiness. Set boundaries and anticipate that there will be some mistakes and miscues along the way. Above all, never let there be any doubt as to the identity of the most important person in your life.

 

Hope these insights are useful, good luck.

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We both life with the belief that you should try to learn from your past mistakes. When we first started dating, we were trying not to repeat past errors so we tried hard to be open and honest with each other. Eventually (as in as time passed and we both became more comfortable with being honest and not getting punished for saying the 'wrong' things) we worked our way around to our fantasies and past sexual exploits. She told me the story of how (in an effort to 'save' her marriage) her and her ex, another couple they were good friends with, too much wine, and a jacuzzi had led to too little clothes and more than a little touching. She said that she didn't mind what happened, in fact it was enjoyable...especially with the other woman (although not much other than kissing and fondling had happened). However when it happened her and her ex were just about done with each other (and shortly afterwards he left her for a different woman and the other husband involved told her that he would leave his wife for her if she wanted him). I jokingly replied that if she ever wanted to have sex with someone else (especially another woman) it was fine with me...as long as I get to run the camera. A couple of weeks later, she asked if I was serious with what I said and the next thing I knew we had started down this path...

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As a guy when you bring up the idea of swinging, how do you do it in a way that doesn't look like a deal where it's about a you getting to sleep with other women?

 

As the guy it is a lot about actually wanting to see our lady being satisfied and the rush of her with another man... but how do i effectively convey this idea.... and not her thinking that the reason u allow her to be with other men is because you want to be with other women too.

 

Of course i'd love to be with other women too but that's not the only reason... so how do u have this conversation?

 

 

I feel that is one of the biggest hurdles to overcome when bringing up the idea of other people in your bedroom! It's a natural conclusion to assume you are just bringing that subject up so you can fuck other people.

 

The way I feel about things with my wife, and how I got her to understand my truthful intentions when asking to bring other people into the bedroom was I told her exactly how I feel and what turns me on. In my case, I legitimately love watching my wife fuck other girls and ESPECIALLY other guys! I told her this was my fantasy and that I think about it a lot and it turns me on a lot! She, like any normal person suspected that I wanted to sleep with other girls and that is why I was bringing it up. We just had to discuss the topic many times, in bed, out of bed, be patient, for a couple of years, and now she understands that I don't care if I ever sleep with another woman. It is not a tit for tat kind of situation. I get off watching her fuck, that is my turn on.

 

Now all that having been said, I am like you, if my wife ever decided that she would like to watch me fuck another girl or swap partners with another couple, I would be way down for that, but I didn't allow her to fuck other people just so I could fuck someone else and she understands that. She has been with one girl and two guys so far and I still feel completely fine with that and the fact that I haven't played with any other girls.

 

I think you have to be honest, but if you honestly would be okay with her playing and you not, that may be a good way to start. That would prove to her you aren't just doing this for the reason stated above. You just can't get upset that she gets to fuck someone else and you can't otherwise it wouldn't work.

 

I really made a point to stress to my wife that my turn on is seeing her get turned on, by me and especially by another person! Compersion is the term I believe.

 

It is such a rush to watch my wife fuck another guy! I love it!

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For us, it really is about the two of us together, rather than just one of us or even each of us individually. That is not always easy to communicate, but if you two are starting from a place of trust, sensitivity to each other, and open communication, you are in a much better position to broach the subject without hurt feelings.CoupleInMD79

 

This is so true! It has to be about you two at all times! Well said!

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I see no advantage in pretending that it's not about wanting to screw other girls when really it is. I would not recommend starting the conversation by asserting this intention. But then again, it's hard to deny without seeming insincere. If you sit in front of her with a serious look on your face and tell her, "I am doing all this for you," she will look right past your frown and slap the smile off your face.

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Well, I realize a lot of people feel differently from me, but I honestly don't care if I EVER sleep with another woman other than my wife. I am NOT pretending! I am being honest! So I am being completely honest with her, not hiding any intentions. I did not ask her to fuck another person so that I could in some underhanded, dishonest fashion "trick" her or "guilt" her into letting me sleep with another woman!

 

There are A LOT of people out there that derive pleasure from WATCHING/PARTICIPATING in sex with their wife...it is focused on my wife.

 

 

Maybe that is hard for some people to understand, but I LOVE watching my WIFE get pleasure. People don't seem to think I mean that when I say that on here!

 

I guess also what I'm saying is that you can't control what your wife's fantasies are, if she isn't into seeing you fuck another girl, then you probably should never do that! However you said it IS a turn on for you to see your wife fuck someone. So if that is the case, then at the very least you could fulfill part of your fantasy by watching her fuck people.

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This is a verrrry dangerous minefield you're entering here, so be warned. What you are talking about doing is proposing the quashing of one of the most traditionally sacrosanct foundations of marriage. You're also about to tell her that she's not enough for you. That may not be reality, but this is going to be the first place her mind goes. If she gives you a two-thumbs-up right out of the gate, be suspicious. This might be the deer-in-the-headlights thing where she feels she needs to be all adventurous for you and learn to love it as she goes along, or risk losing you.

 

I have a few recommendations.

 

1. Be 100% honest with her. "So you want to sleep with other women, is that it?" Don't even flinch, don't blink, just admit it point-blank. Yes, that would be nice. You can let her know that that's only part of it, but don't try to sell her on anything, because that just makes it seem like you are hurrying her.

 

2. Do everything in your power to make her feel save and loved. You do this by assuming a belly-up position, letting her know that you feel pretty vulnerable even proposing this to her, because you know there's a risk she'll think poorly of you for it. You also don't move forward an INCH without her leading the way. Show her the websites, the magazines, the videos, let her feel her way through them. Answer her questions simply, without assuming that her curiosity is a green light.

 

3. If she says yes - especially right away - slow her down and ask her if this is what she really wants. You need her to be okay with it before moving forward, because you value her feelings and your relationship with her. This does a couple of things. It makes her feel safe, knowing that you have her back, and it shows her that you know the meaning of self-control. I can't tell you how important it is to exercise self-control. How is she supposed to trust you if you can't even trust yourself, right?

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I wish I could help but it was something that evolved for us. Her curiosity about toys, g-spot orgasms, squirting... Any idea or thought she had she would google. I would get an e-mail with links that said " We should try this". I simply went along with all her if I was comfortable. There were very few things I was not willing to try. LOL

 

She did not have an agenda hoping for the end result would be swinging. She simply wanted to try some new things and it has been a lot of fun.

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I wish I could help but it was something that evolved for us. Her curiosity about toys, g-spot orgasms, squirting... Any idea or thought she had she would google. I would get an e-mail with links that said " We should try this". I simply went along with all her if I was comfortable. There were very few things I was not willing to try. LOL

 

She did not have an agenda hoping for the end result would be swinging. She simply wanted to try some new things and it has been a lot of fun.

 

IMO, I think this is how it has to go...the woman takes the lead, always. What you can do is, from a place of honesty, tell her what your deepest darkest fantasies are and maybe plant the seed. Don't force her to think about it, but open the door up for future discussion on the topic when she feels comfortable with it. In the end though, you can't fuck other girls if she doesn't feel comfortable with that or like it. The best you could hope for in that regard is maybe someday she will change how she feels about it, but don't bank on that.

 

You can only control how you feel and you can be honest with her about your feelings...that is where it should start. I don't think most women would be mad with their husband for opening up, talking and sharing their true feelings and emotions with them.

 

Just my opinion

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...and don't judge. If she is brave enough to tell you something that comes from a very far back dimly lit corner of her mind, don't ever say anything negative about it. Let her know that she is safe to say anything and you will still be there and say 'we'll have to try that...'.

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Such great advice, I have nothing to add (but, as always I DO have something to say).

 

 

Reiterating what was said through several posts above: be honest in admitting that you, as well as she, would enjoy sexual variety. But make it clear that she can go first with no expectation on your part of reciprocity. She goes first, at whatever speed she wants, in whatever way she wants. If something isn't working, then you can backtrack, adjust, try again, or even abandon the entire adventure. No matter what you will love and admire her for trying. If your wife finds that she likes it, and thinks that it would be good for you to do enjoy other women, only then will you do so.

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You could just try to fall into it like my ex-wife and I did (we divorced for other reasons than sex. LOL). We happened to have a couple we knew that we all flirted around with each other all the time. One night at a party 'he' said how badly he wanted to be with my wife sexually and commented back how if he got my wife I got his. Well the rest as they say is history! That night we swapped wives and then later that weekend did it again but in the same room and my wife and watched each other have sex. From that moment on we were hooked. Everyone has a couple or friend that hits on the wife you could see how things go if you happen to take someone up on.

 

Later my wife admitted she wanted to try swinging but was afraid I'd say no...which always leaves that fabled door of 'conversation' open...

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Later my wife admitted she wanted to try swinging but was afraid I'd say no...which always leaves that fabled door of 'conversation' open...

 

And so, many couples live lives of quiet desperation, never sharing their innermost thoughts and secrets with their spouse for fear of rejection, of damaging the relationship. Unfortunately, it's how most couples operate. Rather than being completely in to each other, and completely open to each other, they live their relationship like a venn diagram; there's him, there's her, and there's the overlap where their relationship exists. Anything that's not in that overlap just isn't discussed. I find that sad. Not that it's easy to break out of this, but it is sad.

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And so, many couples live lives of quiet desperation, never sharing their innermost thoughts and secrets with their spouse for fear of rejection, of damaging the relationship. Unfortunately, it's how most couples operate. Rather than being completely in to each other, and completely open to each other, they live their relationship like a venn diagram; there's him, there's her, and there's the overlap where their relationship exists. Anything that's not in that overlap just isn't discussed. I find that sad. Not that it's easy to break out of this, but it is sad.

 

So true!!! Well said!

 

It is sad! When you marry someone, you should be able to express your deepest, darkest secrets and feelings with that person and feel that you will be heard and not judged and ultimately still loved no matter what! That, to me is true love and what makes a relationship really strong, being able to confide in one another and discuss your feelings with no fear of the other person thinking your weird or thinking less of you for some reason.

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And so, many couples live lives of quiet desperation, never sharing their innermost thoughts and secrets with their spouse for fear of rejection, of damaging the relationship. Unfortunately, it's how most couples operate. Rather than being completely in to each other, and completely open to each other, they live their relationship like a venn diagram; there's him, there's her, and there's the overlap where their relationship exists. Anything that's not in that overlap just isn't discussed. I find that sad. Not that it's easy to break out of this, but it is sad.

 

You hit it dead on the nail. My wife and I watched the Playboy show Swing, and it started the discussion. From there we started to discuss fantasies, especially while having sex, and some of each of our fantasies included another person. We haven't done anything yet, but having that option there when the opportunity arises has helped our sex life.

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I thought that "Swing" show was a great way to bring up the topic with my wife, we both enjoyed watching it!

 

Is that still on? We saw like the first season...I don't know if there are more.

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I thought that "Swing" show was a great way to bring up the topic with my wife, we both enjoyed watching it!

 

Is that still on? We saw like the first season...I don't know if there are more.

Yup, there have been four seasons, I think, and the show appears to be going strong.

 

CoupleInMD79

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Another couple raised the issue of swinging to us. We talked about a lot, both of us were intrigued but I couldn't separate the idea of swapping with another couple from a foursome. Basically, I had no interest in touching or being touched by another woman. As hubby went though my somewhat irrational thoughts, he suggested, ok, lets remove the other woman, would you want to do me and another guy. Oh yes, I'm in for that. So we did a four or so MFM events, I became more comfortable with the whole environment and then moved to swapping and other play.

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