Swinging and The Self: Body Image and (In)security

Okay, even anonymously I'm going out on sort of a limb here. It was not a hard decision considering the openness and honesty I've found all across this board. But it is a bit different publicly opening up where even Google can find it.

I need some help...

Dirty Red (my pet name for wifey) is sitting right here, a bit unsteady, as I type this. We were talking earlier and she sort of let it slip out that one of her biggest concerns was us ending up with a couple of twenty-somethings, some time at some venue. (I just turned 40 last week, and she recently celebrated the 8th anniversary of her 30th birthday.)

After some more talking, she sort of let it out that she is quite interested in exploring play with others, but maybe not with someone younger and hotter than her. Now, that's not really a problem in my eyes (though, I suspect it might be a more common concern for others in this joyous lifestyle.) Also, I know that weed can easily grow on both sides of the fence, especially for those who have not prepared or have overestimated their own strength or level of security (I don't mean that in a mocking sense, just calling like it is.)

Here's the problem... SHE'S A F*CKING GODDESS!

How's that a problem, you ask? Well, for some God-forsaken reason of terrible humor, she just can't see it. (And discount my 8+ years of trying to convince her because my opinion is apparently biased.)

Seriously, she's got curves like a Ferrari. She's not a big girl (though, I wouldn't complain if she was -- Hey, bones are for dogs, a man needs meat!) But (thankfully) she's not a stick figure, either. She's worked hard to slim down a bit over the last year or so (somewhat to my dismay) but she looks and feels great for it. Which means she doesn't feel bad about her body, but she just doesn't have a lot of confidence in it either. She has confidence and poise in every other aspect of her life except for her body. WTF?

Now, I'm wanting to head in to this (just like her) purely for fun. Life is short, get out and live, right? So, I harbor no twenty-something fantasies or whatever else. Just take it as it comes. But I'd sure like to know that she felt a lot more confident, no matter who we might encounter, under any circumstances.

Finally, I don't think it's a fear of losing me or my affection to some twenty-something, either. We have worked hard to build a rock-solid and open relationship. And based on today's conversation, it seems more like an issue of, "How do I stack up against this person or that person?"

Look, I'm not terribly good at translating thoughts in to written form, which why my posts often turn in to small novella's, but by now somebody out there has to know what I'm trying to express here. I want her to feel confident about her body (whether we ever play or not.) And, if we do go out to play, I don't want her to miss out on anything because she might be more focused on the comparison of appearances rather than the issue at hand, so to speak.

Anyone else have a similar experience before? Anyone else heard of this? (I'm sure there's probably something here in the forums, but we've been doing sooooo much reading as of late...)

-

Challenging as it has been, she has sat right here and watched me type this the whole time, and she's approved of every word - and I love her so much more for that strength.

There are three convolved threads in your post that might benefit from being unwound.

(1) Bodies change as we age. Something you have seen in your marriage. Happens to everyone who looks in the mirror, us included. What matters is what you do with what you've got, and how you think about what you've got. Body confidence increases and body shame tends to go away when playing with real people. The only question that matters is interest and chemistry.

(2) Most folks prefer playing close to their own ages because a significant disparity moves someone into the age band of someone else's kids--attitudes, appearance and so on. Now there comes a point about 20 years past where you are right now that the age thing matters somewhat less, only because 50/60/70 are all "older".

(3) How we feel about ourselves varies a bit from day to day and place and time. Context matters. Looking forward to an event, finding time for the mani-pedi, new outfit/underwear, having time to primp etc all affect self-perception. Goes for us guys too--making sure that there's not a hair out of place, snazzy shirt etc. Being the "hot couple" starts with planning to be the "hot couple".

Hey you married my wife it seems.

This sort of thing seems to be a common issue with women and body insecurity. If there is a way to cure it, let me know, because I've tried everything with her and it just doesn't stick. Its one step forward, one step back. I get her comfortable and instead of building on that, she quickly goes back to her old ways. On one of our cruises some of the guys had a name for her "Hot (insert her name here)" and still that doesn't sink in.

In my wifes case I don't think it will ever change so while I can't help you, I can commiserate with you.

and she sort of let it slip out that one of her biggest concerns was us ending up with a couple of twenty-somethings, some time at some venue.

This part of it, I can assure you, is not going to be an issue. If anything the issue with swinging is that the couples are older, or out of shape in our age range (same as yours). Now we HAVE ended up with some hotter couples and 20 somethings but its not the norm and we had to put the effort in to get there

Here is what you do, join sls, look at the profiles with pictures with her and trust me, her fears of "uber hotties" will be gone.

I think this is very, very common with women (and yes, I'm sure men also have their own body concerns, too)--whether it is when they are starting in the LS or established swingers. I remember our first time at a swing club and I was put at ease that there were many different types of body shapes and sizes. It was very comforting to see the normal bumps, rolls, marks, etc. on other people that we normally see airbrushed off of models in magazines. However, I did notice that after a few days of seeing naked normal people, I would revert back to my self-doubt and even shamefulness or hatred of my own body. So, I don't have any advice about overcoming it either other than that I know it is something that only we can conquer on a deeply personal level. I would recommend perusing the Body Image portion of the forum. There are lots and lots of threads there that all share the same thought process and might help alleviate the concern in that your wife isn't alone in struggling with this sort of thing.

Hmmmm... Seems I have an uphill battle with evolution on my hands!

I suppose the only way we're going to get through this is to step up to the plate, take our best swing, and hope for the best. But I feel better knowing that we're not alone on this. Perhaps a social event will help to temper some things when we get see the many variations of people in attendance.

Chicup said:

Here is what you do, join sls, look at the profiles with pictures with her and trust me, her fears of "uber hotties" will be gone.

Oh brother... I spent 10 minutes or better just now trying to register an account on that God-Forsaken website, only to find out it has limited privileges unless we want become paying members (which I can't understand for the life of me why I would just take their word that it's worth paying for!) And after the pain and suffering of dealing with their registration process -- As someone who used to make a living coding sites, their registration process does not inspire a whole lot of confidence in what that site might have to offer other than maybe "losing" our credit card number.

My apologies for the rant. Poorly done websites are just a real bad issue for me. We're looking at another one called Swinger Zone Central that was also suggested to us, and is supposed to be pretty popular for our area. And we have a few other suggestions to try out.

As always, we appreciate the feedback. Seems like the time to dip our toes in the water is getting closer.

sunbuckus said:

I would recommend perusing the Body Image portion of the forum

Thank you! We decided to spend some time in that section reading some stuff together next.

Oh brother... I spent 10 minutes or better just now trying to register an account on that God-Forsaken website, only to find out it has limited privileges unless we want become paying members (which I can't understand for the life of me why I would just take their word that it's worth paying for!) And after the pain and suffering of dealing with their registration process -- As someone who used to make a living coding sites, their registration process does not inspire a whole lot of confidence in what that site might have to offer other than maybe "losing" our credit card number.

 

My apologies for the rant. Poorly done websites are just a real bad issue for me. We're looking at another one called Swinger Zone Central that was also suggested to us, and is supposed to be pretty popular for our area. And we have a few other suggestions to try out.

 

As always, we appreciate the feedback. Seems like the time to dip our toes in the water is getting closer.

SLS members complaining about SLS is what makes SLS, SLS. Its a horrible website which, while it has changed in the last 10 years, you would never know it. You join it solely because of the people on it, not its technology. Its only saving grace is that its the ONLY website where a free member can actually do enough on to find other couples, even if they limit you. As such its BIG in numbers, and swinging is a numbers game.

The trick with swinger websites is that everything is local, to paraphrase some politicians. We are members of three sites, SLS, LL and Kasidie. SLS has a lot of local people, quality is iffy. LL has a lot of local pretty people, for better and for worse. Kasidie I joined out of a recommendation from people we met traveling and is damn near useless locally.

Other sites like SDC and SZC are, at least in the past, pretty crappy here but I hear bigger elsewhere. So it doesn't matter which one you join as long as its where the "crowd" in your area is.

We're looking at another one called Swinger Zone Central that was also suggested to us, and is supposed to be pretty popular for our area. And we have a few other suggestions to try out.

I'd highly recommend SZC if you found sls to be less than stellar. I think they will allow access to most of their features for free for a short trial period. We do sls and szc and consider szc our "main" site. We like the forum activity, the party announcements, and the webmaster is always trying to improve the site.

I have to echo the comment that we must have clones for wives, since I hear the exact same comments from Mrs Trophy about her looks and her age.

No matter how I compliment her and the evident attention she attract from other males in her presence, she does not feel comfortable and confident in her beauty. At her age and after having two children there are a lot of young women in the twenties that would die to have her body. Yes, we know that we are not perfect 10's but she still has the looks and best of all, she is not afraid to use them to enjoy herself sexually.

I supposed it can be related to the mass media and the image of the so-called perfect female body. However, from my own experience, the so-called perfect bodies never really enjoy themselves or express their true sexual desires as there is fear that this may cause them to lose their perfect looks.

That my friend.....is the reason why the so-called perfect 10 female does not interest me. I rather prefer a good looking women who enjoys expressing her sexual desires.

I have to echo the comment that we must have clones for wives, since I hear the exact same comments from Mrs Trophy about her looks and her age.

 

No matter how I compliment her and the evident attention she attract from other males in her presence, she does not feel comfortable and confident in her beauty. At her age and after having two children there are a lot of young women in the twenties that would die to have her body. Yes, we know that we are not perfect 10's but she still has the looks and best of all, she is not afraid to use them to enjoy herself sexually.

 

I supposed it can be related to the mass media and the image of the so-called perfect female body. However, from my own experience, the so-called perfect bodies never really enjoy themselves or express their true sexual desires as there is fear that this may cause them to lose their perfect looks.

 

That my friend.....is the reason why the so-called perfect 10 female does not interest me. I rather prefer a good looking women who enjoys expressing her sexual desires.

The country with the worst body self image for women is, you won't ever guess this, Iran. I think its not the media who is entirely to blame. I spoke to an Iranian woman I know and she said that it was the women who were very hard on each other in their country.

As for those with perfect bodies not enjoying their sexuality, I have to beg to differ from first hand experiences. My three most enthusiastic partners in the lifestyle had damn near perfect bodies. I wish that talks about body image didn't become a denigration of those who are very good looking. Its not being fair to people you don't even know, and seems to be a defense mechanism.

Its only saving grace is that its the ONLY website where a free member can actually do enough on to find other couples, even if they limit you. As such its BIG in numbers, and swinging is a numbers game.

Well, gee, I guess when you put it in to a perspective like that...

That site was quite annoying, but perhaps if I just set my holier-than-digital attitude aside long enough to see what they have to offer, well, perhaps we can reap some of the benefits that do exist there. I have a feeling that it might help her quite a bit to actually get a better idea of who's out there.

I'd highly recommend SZC if you found sls to be less than stellar. I think they will allow access to most of their features for free for a short trial period. We do sls and szc and consider szc our "main" site. We like the forum activity, the party announcements, and the webmaster is always trying to improve the site.

SZC is next on our list. Perhaps tonight, if time permits us.

I rather prefer a good looking women who enjoys expressing her sexual desires.

Apparently we have the same wives and the same tastes!

UPDATE: Holy crap! Just took a quick stroll over to SLS again and did a basic quick search... The first 22 ads are from right in our little suburb! The remaining 28 were all within 2 freakin miles of us The search didn't go past 50 (one of the limits of a free account, I believe.) Wowsers! I realize some of you pointed out Ohio as a great place for fun, but do ya think anyone might have understated things just a little?

Now we have to decide if we should really be looking in our own backyard... Too many implications to mention. And we haven't seen that thread on the forum yet, so if anyone knows where it's at, could you point it out for us, please? (I know there has to be a topic in here somewhere about locations close to home, etc, we just haven't found it yet. So much reading left to do, lol.)

Now we have to decide if we should really be looking in our own backyard... Too many implications to mention. And we haven't seen that thread on the forum yet, so if anyone knows where it's at, could you point it out for us, please? (I know there has to be a topic in here somewhere about locations close to home, etc, we just haven't found it yet. So much reading left to do, lol.)

Hopefully one of the mods will point out some good threads to you but there are two basic thoughts about location in relation to playing/playmates.

1. Some don't want anyone in their home town to know that they swing because of work, close-knit community, family, etc. To solve this problem, they only swing away from their own town/city. Some may go out of state or even out of the country to do any swinging.

2. Others accept the risk or say to-hell-with-it and swing closer to home.

Those who go with option 2 can minimize the risk of being "outed" by doing the following: no face pictures online (or only in private folders to verify with other swingers), they can put a misleading zip code location on their profile, make sure no pictures are taken of them, they may swing in intimate locations instead of in public swing clubs, limit amount of information they share with others (job, family, etc.). I'm sure there are others but I can't think of them right now.

Some really good comments going here.

We have been going at this now for five years and the worst critics are ourselves. Even after losing 20+ lbs, wife losing 40+ lbs. I don't think there is a point where there isn't something we can't find about ourselves that we would like to improve. I think it's human nature but setting that aside, there is a difference between always wanting to improve and not being happy with your self-image. If you can't find happiness with your self now, you won't find it 20 lbs lighter, trust us. Happiness starts on the inside.

As far as the site go, we are on SLS, Kasidie and LifeStyleLounge. In 5 years, none of them have lost our credit card numbers but never say never. They are all poorly programmed and I hate to think that my cc is stored somewhere in a db unencrypted. I work in IT Security Software sales and I see HUGE companies with shitty security. It's surprising that this isn't more rampant than it is. That's why I love my Visa card that doesn't hold me liable for fraudulent charges.

Lastly, we have found that the more we sleep with others (as sexy as it can be) the more we come to appreciate what we have. There are some nutty people out there and I know the people we have slept with might be saying the same about us, lol. Age only matters in pixel's. When you meet others, 20 somethings, 30 somethings, 40 somethings, it's all about the connection. When you find one, don't over think it.

Appreciate and enjoy. At the end of the day, that's what's most important.

This is one area where I think swinging helps people A LOT. Many (women moreso) find that while they start out with a mid-low self-esteem a few visits to a club and getting hit on by strangers can really up said self-esteem.

That said, I've had a few really bad days where I should not have been in public, let alone at a club, and on those days it didn't matter how many guys hit on me, my self esteem was in the gutter. If someone hit on me on those nights my thoughts were constantly "they aren't into me, they just want to get laid....." and down that trail. Now, granted that may be true on some occasions, but looking back on one night in particular, I know it wasn't the case. These were people that I'd say are my friends, not just some random strangers trying to get a piece of action.

A few months ago we took a SF to our local club for her first visit. Going in she was a little low on the self-esteem side of things. She'd just come out of a bad marriage, and while she'd managed to hook up with our local stud (and that word fits him on all levels) which had helped a little bit, she was still dragging. The idea of dressing sexy was very hard for her because she didn't have confidence in her body and in the idea that she could attract others with it. One night and she had turned that whole idea on its head.

I wonder if it has an opposite effect for males though from what I've read here over the years.

We have lost weight and gained weight during our time swinging. We have colored hair and let the gray show. And it has rarely mattered in finding playmates.

People want to have fun-we are fun and sensual and that seems to be all the matters in the end.

I'm sure some of the folks only looking for whatever look attracts them avoid us but we are not aware of it cuz we are busy enjoying ourselves.

Starting out, just avoid the young hotties and as you both discover your own strike zones, maybe your own looks will be less of an issue. Maybe not. Only time will tell for you and your wife.

I can relate to this. I'm not a size 0 but I'm not a BBW and I'm a little insecure about letting it all hang out, if you know what I mean. Especially if you walk in and there's all these gorgeous people. I guess beauty is really in the eye of the beholder.

If you can't find happiness with your self now, you won't find it 20 lbs lighter, trust us. Happiness starts on the inside.

Spoken like a poet!

They are all poorly programmed and I hate to think that my cc is stored somewhere in a db unencrypted. I work in IT Security Software sales and I see HUGE companies with shitty security. It's surprising that this isn't more rampant than it is.

Lastly, we have found that the more we sleep with others (as sexy as it can be) the more we come to appreciate what we have...

 

Appreciate and enjoy. At the end of the day, that's what's most important.

A man after my own heart!

The idea of dressing sexy was very hard for her because she didn't have confidence in her body and in the idea that she could attract others with it. One night and she had turned that whole idea on its head.

Well, I certainly hope we find that one night for my wife. She deserves to feel better about herself (and if one good night can make that happen, then it can't happen soon enough.) She's not here while I'm typing tonight, so just for the record: She is a sexy and amazing woman who has made me the happiest man on this planet (and there is nothing I will not do or give in my attempt to see her just as happy as I am.) Bring on the local stud, please!

I'm sure some of the folks only looking for whatever look attracts them avoid us but we are not aware of it cuz we are busy enjoying ourselves.

I'm pretty sure this just became our mission statement!

-

Ya know, we've covered so much (from cloned wives to awesome feedback) and I am very grateful to all of you. As I said elsewhere, just our participation on this board has made our relationship even better than it was a day before we landed here. I'm pretty sure things will only get better as we progress in to deeper waters (in real life!)

My warmest thanks to all of you!

I can relate to this. I'm not a size 0 but I'm not a BBW and I'm a little insecure about letting it all hang out, if you know what I mean. Especially if you walk in and there's all these gorgeous people.

Yikes! Not trying to be critical, but BBW's have all the fun.

We haven't hit the club scene yet, but just from everyday life I know full and well that gorgeous people (of the magazine-cover grade) are about... Okay, I'll refrain from being negative. But I will say that "gorgeous" people make me run away (fast!) And it's not because I feel inferior or lacking.

I guess beauty is really in the eye of the beholder.

That it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth! I don't know you personally, but I do know that many people have an innate ability to be beautiful long before looks ever come in to the equation. Back in the early 90's I spent about two years working a few strip clubs downtown and down in the flats. So, maybe I'm biased, but I learned long ago just how ugly physical beauty can be. I'm sure there are beautiful people out there whom also have exceptionally gifted looks or physiques however, I assure you, they are far and few between. Real beauty comes from how a person treats their waitress when they go out to dinner or what someone does when they think nobody is looking.

Uh-oh, I'm doing it again... My apologies.

Well, if you're anything like my wife, all that goes in one ear and out the other, lol! I just told someone else tonight that life is short and we are easily biodegradable (translation: Get out, live, and make the most of it!) I truly believe that Tribbles said it best:

I'm sure some of the folks only looking for whatever look attracts them avoid us but we are not aware of it cuz we are busy enjoying ourselves.

Words to live by!

Ugly personalities are not restricted to beautiful bodies.

I wonder if it has an opposite effect for males though from what I've read here over the years.

Chicup, curious what you are asking here. Not sure if I picked up exactly what you meant?

Chicup, curious what you are asking here. Not sure if I picked up exactly what you meant?

We haven't hit the club scene yet, but just from everyday life I know full and well that gorgeous people (of the magazine-cover grade) are about... Okay, I'll refrain from being negative. But I will say that "gorgeous" people make me run away (fast!) And it's not because I feel inferior or lacking.

Just the vibe I'm feeling

Ugly personalities are not restricted to beautiful bodies.

Very true!

But that begs the question: What is a beautiful body?

I can only speak to my experiences over the years, experiences which are relative and do not actually equate to anything factual overall. But the fact that I have found some people to have deeper, kinder, and more meaningful personalities than others does guide me when I seek out things such as companionship or conversation. People like what they like.

Overall I agree with you. I believe that ignorance, evil, and ugliness can manifest itself in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Further, I apologize for the above post (only because it seems to me that I have derailed this thread) and I do not want to turn a thread full of great insights in to a rant about judging books by their covers. I was only trying to be supportive of the above poster that I responded to, but I seem to have used more emphasis then I should have. I'm still learning!

Ugly personalities are not restricted to beautiful bodies.

Very true!!! There have been many times where I've seen attractive people but once you talk to them they have very nasty personalities. I don't care if you look like Kate Upton, if you have an ugly soul it makes you ugly. Maybe that's why I was never attracted to supermodels

Very true!

 

But that begs the question: What is a beautiful body?

Confidence! Doesn't matter the size, if you love yourself, that's all that matters.

Every single woman i know is insecure to some degree. Hell, most days I loathe my image in the mirror.

One of the keys with this is that most women simply do not see themselves the way anyone else does. I can look at a woman and go 'damn i wish i looked like her' and have several people look at me like i am crazy because apparently, i tend to see other women through rose colored glasses.

To be blunt, the best thing I have found for it, is just being exposed to every shape and size, in the nude, and realizing everyone has their flaws and their great points and that physical beauty winds up meaning not a damn thing when someone is as asshole.

Being exposed to it really is freeing to a degree. Also, honestly, my experience is that most women who express what your wife has, have, at some level, a very natural fear that you'll go nuts over the younger/hotter model and ignore her. So, don't do that. I know, sounds simple, but really, it's just making sure you go at her pace and let her know you think she is a goddess. That said, bending over backward because of the insecurity, and never ever pushing a boundary, can wind up just feeding it. so, find a balance.

To be blunt, the best thing I have found for it, is just being exposed to every shape and size, in the nude, and realizing everyone has their flaws and their great points...

This is one area where looking through personal ads on various sights has helped somewhat. (We got that advice here!)

...you think she is a goddess.

The sun rises and sets with her.

To be blunt, the best thing I have found for it, is just being exposed to every shape and size, in the nude, and realizing everyone has their flaws and their great points and that physical beauty winds up meaning not a damn thing when someone is as asshole.

 

Being exposed to it really is freeing to a degree. Also, honestly, my experience is that most women who express what your wife has, have, at some level, a very natural fear that you'll go nuts over the younger/hotter model and ignore her. So, don't do that. I know, sounds simple, but really, it's just making sure you go at her pace and let her know you think she is a goddess. That said, bending over backward because of the insecurity, and never ever pushing a boundary, can wind up just feeding it. so, find a balance.

This advice is quite brilliant and I hope Mrs. Methos reads it and takes it to heart. The only thing I'd add is that if she really pays attention to how much you cherish her body and then observes how the same things happen with other men and the women they cherish, the voices in her head (they lie, btw) might quiet down. Yes, there are men who are only interested in a very thin, fit woman. Conversely, there are men who are only interested in very large women. Most tend to be accepting and uncritical of the bodies of their lovers and playmates, more interested in how nice it feels to have your legs wrapped around them and totally unaware of that little patch of cellulite that has been causing you grief for years.

I went into swinging with what I feel now is a "novice" point of view of "what's the point of doing this unless I do it with someone who is younger and hotter or at least as hot as my wife?" So I spent the better part of 10 years ONLY entertaining situations where the female fit that bill. Well, as you can imagine it limited my opportunity to find a genuine connection significantly.

Here's the thing. Over the years and through many various trials and errors I found that my body didn't quite give a fuck what the person looked like and found myself facing a great many lovely women with nothing but my awkward smile to share with them. SOMETHING was missing...even though I thought I SHOULD be into them...I wasn't REALLY in to THEM.

Eventually...by dumb luck...a few happenstance encounters led me to some amazing conversations with some women that were...let's just say...not girls I would have picked out of a line up by looks alone. Those turned out to be some of the most amazing connections I ever had and chemistry was off the charts good. I was at first ASTOUNDED that everything was working so well, and hence so much more enjoyable, with these girls that had all sorts of "flaws" or maybe a few extra pounds, or were 10 years older, or had nursed 2 children, or had gone through tummy tucks and bore the scars, etc, etc, etc...

So now...after 11 years in the lifestyle we are 6 months in to an amazing exclusive relationship with a couple that's 15 years older than us...and we're 37 and 40! They are in GREAT shape for their ages and at the same time they are still mid 50s. Blows my mind. But we are head over heels and NEVER felt such an incredible attraction. Sex is off the charts...chemistry is unchartable.

So DON'T limit yourself. DON'T judge yourself. Just go out, meet people, be open and TRUST that when things are right you will know it and nothing else will matter...because however you feel about your doubts and fears...you'll want what you will find more than you will care about letting those doubts or fears hold you back.

It won't happen over night, but if you put yourself out there it will happen in your own good time.

We've found one of THE hottest things a couple can bring to the table is their confidence in who they are, not who they think they should be or who they are worried other people are. If a couple is connected to each other, and confident, then add about +3 to their looks on a scale of 1 to 10.

That being said, there are alot of 9's and 10's who you can subtract 5 "looks points" from due to how unkind, unnice, drama filled, or just plain boring/ick they are.

Also, exceptional hygiene awareness is a big add on, as is attire and personal grooming, for us at least.

We've found one of THE hottest things a couple can bring to the table is their confidence in who they are, not who they think they should be or who they are worried other people are. If a couple is connected to each other, and confident, then add about +3 to their looks on a scale of 1 to 10.

 

That being said, there are alot of 9's and 10's who you can subtract 5 "looks points" from due to how unkind, unnice, drama filled, or just plain boring/ick they are.

 

Also, exceptional hygiene awareness is a big add on, as is attire and personal grooming, for us at least.

Yes...something I have come to dub as "Shallow Hal Syndrome" referencing a movie and also HIGHLY appropriate in this lifestyle.

Get the Mrs. to a nude resort. That will cure ANY mis-perceptions. When you see just how "ordinary" or even "not so hot" the hottest clothed girl in the room looks when she's nude it certainly does wonders to reset the ole perception meter. Plus just to hang out with people of all different shapes and sizes you get to see people out from behind the "screen of pretentiousness" (mostly) and not too long after you realize that we spend way too much time hiding behind our facades. Hotness is not clothing or even skin deep. It's to the core.

I went into swinging with what I feel now is a "novice" point of view of "what's the point of doing this unless I do it with someone who is younger and hotter or at least as hot as my wife?" So I spent the better part of 10 years ONLY entertaining situations where the female fit that bill.

From what I can tell this is a pretty common theme in swinging. Trying to trade up is a losing proposition.

Self acceptance is amazing how it will show up in all areas of your life. Not just in the realm of swinging.

Below is a Youtube clip that really points it out and drives it home about how critical we tend to be on ourselves.