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How did you tell your partner you want to see her sleep with other men?

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My relationship status there says I am a single male, I'm not. I'm also not on these boards to find sex outside my relationship without my partners consent, that's not what I want.

 

What I am looking for is advice on how to tell someone you love that you have the desire to swing. I'm a good looking male and I've had many good looking partners but I've always had this burning desire to watch my partners sleep with other men. I know its a common fantasy as I read about it a lot and I know I'm not alone.

 

With the huge majority of girlfriends I've kept the fantasy a total secret for fear of being made to feel weird. The ones who I have gently suggested it to in the past have looked at me in sheer disgust when I even mentioned the possibility that I may not mind it so much.

 

I wouldn't want my partner to do anything she didnt enjoy, but at the same no matter how I look at it I cant see what im offering as anything but a golden ticket. All I want is to be involved in passionate threesomes with the woman I love and for her pleasure to be maximised. I'm entirely straight too by the way. The fantasy for me is all about basically seeing my partner fulfilled.

 

This fantasy has gone on for so many years and been deep routed with every partner Ive had, its like my fantasy NEEDS to be fulfilled to the point where I think I need to be with someone who would want to do this. But how would you meet someone you felt comfortable enough to tell them this? I cant even approach the subject with my current partner I can almost guarantee she would be outraged.

 

Help and advice is greatly appreciated.

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The only true way to found out is to bring the subject up. If you never bring it up, you will never know. Sometimes spouses can surprise you. Five years ago, I would have bet a million dollars my wife would never have even considered being involved in swinging. She thought it was very, very wrong that I had played with a married woman with the husband's permission. Fast forward to today, and my wife has had many swing partners, and thoroughly enjoys the lifestyle. You just never know.

 

You can't convince a partner into swinging. All you can do is suggest the possibility. Some will be disgusted. Some won't. Some will find it appealing, others will run for the hills. There isn't a 'type' of woman who is more or less likely to be receptive to swinging.

 

But, unless you ask, the answer is (by way of silence) a guaranteed no.

 

Also, to you it might be a golden ticket. She can have her cake and eat it too. But, it isn't that way for some. Some feel their partner doesn't love them very much if they are wanting to sexually share them. It can damage a relationship.

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If it's your desire to be in a relationship with someone who swings, you gotta find out if they're interested somehow. You may put this relationship at risk by proposing the idea... but if it's THAT important to you then you'd better find out sooner than later.

 

I'd tell you to start off by pointing out good looking guys. Or maybe actors/athletes/celebrities... there's got to be a guy out there that turns her on. Going the celebrity route, she knows it's unattainable, so maybe she'd admit to wanting to do someone famous. Talk about it, get her riled up about it and have some hot sex.

 

Then maybe one day after mentioning celebrities, you bring up the guy at the coffee shop... bringing it a little closer to home. Along the way you can judge her acceptance level.

 

Plant the seed, then give it time to grow. You've been thinking about it for a long time, but likely she hasn't. Maybe to your surprise she has thought about it.

 

Good luck.

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I'm torn between telling her and risking losing her or telling her because ultimately I feel it's something I need to try before I die and if it's not with her then it has to be with someone else.

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You know, if you keep important secrets from your partner you're going to cause harm to the relationship eventually anyway. Secrets have a way of getting out, and if they're big ones your partner is going to rightfully feel betrayed for you holding the secret in for so long. It's obviously very important to you.

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I would add that if you can't openly communicate about this then you won't be able to communicate about the bigger issues that come up. Bridging this conversation is the tip of the iceberg...really.

 

It may seem like a big deal now but wait until you actually begin swinging...there are so many conversations that come up, before, during and after play dates (when you are new, especially) that require you to be able to articulate how much you still love your wife or she still loves you. They are required to reassure you both that you are still each other's true love even in the MOST committed relationships because we are wired from birth that is the way marriages should be and it takes a bit of deprogramming.

 

What bothers me a bit about your post is your thought process of if you can't swing with your current wife that there is a possibility you may have to swing with some other future wife. :eek:

 

It's an ultimatum thought process of we are either going to do this or I'm going to do it without you. No matter how much you justify it in your mind (such as you want to see her pleasure maximized) you assume that she requires more than she already has.

 

Make no mistake about swinging that very, very, very few people can do this successfully and even those of us that are here today seemingly successful at it...there is no guarantee what our future holds. ANYTIME you add something into your relationship you are altering it's dynamics.

 

Be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it.

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I agree that the OP's communication with his wife need to be strengthened.

 

Develop a habit of asking questions (about anything y'all discuss) phrased in a way that they can't be answered by "yes" or "no." For weeks or even months, ask her questions about day-to-day situations that arise. For instance, "How do you feel about using mushroom soup as a sauce?" or "How do you feel about texting while driving?" The goal is not to get an immediate answer but to start a discussion.

 

As this sort of discussion becomes commonplace, ask her questions about your own sex life. "How do you feel about the way I kiss your body?" or "How would you like me to improve my technique?" "How do you feel about sexual fantasies?" or "How do you feel about telling me about your sex life before we met?"

 

Your communication will improve your sex life. Eventually, you will feel free to ask something like, "How do you feel about recreational sex?" "... group sex?" "... swinging?" "Having sex with another man while I watch?"

 

Change these questions to fit your own needs and work on learning how she thinks, not how to convince her to swing.

 

Alura

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We have talked about it in a very coy way, more so from her part. She has a very good upbringing and has deep morals. What is important to remember is, this isn't my wife we have been together about a year. I do love her, but my ongoing unfulfilled fantasies have gone from relationship to relationship... always leaving me the desire for it to be fulfilled.

 

I personally think despite it being a year its too soon to talk about it... perhaps ever with this girl. I've managed to talk and fantasise about the scenario with other girls. But this particular girl I don't really think she would ever go through with this, ever.

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What is important to remember is, this isn't my wife we have been together about a year.

 

Well, I sorta leaped to that conclusion...that makes a big difference, lol. My fault but everything I said still stands about the communication ;)

 

As far as moral issues, those are the hardest as when we do something we feel is against what we feel is morally right, we self inflict a huge amount of guilt that is very bad on ourselves.

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Now I'm not saying that this relationship can't make it but it sure looks like you need to make a decision. In fairness to you both.

 

Tell her exactly what you've told us and let her decide. She might just surprise you.

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If you are having sex with someone, it's not too soon to talk about your fantasies... in fact, IMO, as soon as you are at a point in a relationship where sex is on the table relationships should also be. ESPECIALLY, if swinging is one of those fantasies (or if swinging is something you want to be a part of the relationship now or in the future). It's important to get those things out there early on.

 

As others said, ask her what her fantasies are. Or, bring an adult movie into the bedroom - one that showcases your fantasy and use that as a means to bring it up or at least see what she thinks. You can always use "misdirection" by bringing by saying that a friend of yours told you that he had a threesome (describe your fantasy as his actions) and see what she says. Chances are if you go that route, she's likely to give a shocked or disgusted reply (at least initially), that route is best used as a way to plant a seed in order to get her thinking about it so you can bring it up again later.

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I just joined here, my wife and I haven't done it either. Like you I would love to see my wife with another man. We've been together for 15 years. I'm not sure how it started, but other people came part of our sexual fantasy world.

 

When we met, my wife was very moral, not so much religious, just strong morals. We actually dated 8 months before sex. Sex was good, because she's a beautiful woman, very graceful and elegant, but I was rather kinky, she was not. I slowly worked her into my fantasy. Don't get me wrong, she would do most anything in bed, but I didn't tell her about wanting to see or have sex fantasy with other men, this went on for sometime, what a waste of time.

 

I slowly worked her into it. For one we have perfect trust, we would never cheat, never have in all these years. I would bring toys, we would watch porn and I found her to be openminded, but I didn't rush it. I can remember the night I did. We had watch some porn of a pretend man watching his wife get fucked by another man for the first time and while having sex I started rubbing a dildo over her mouth. I didn't say anything about another guy, just did it as we often played with toys. I started making comments how great it looked to watch her suck while I fucked her and she did, but I didn't mention it being someone else. She was just getting good at dirty talk. That went on a few more times and I could tell she was turned on so I would make comments that I loved seeing another cock in her mouth and I slowly turned it into a third guy, like when I'm really going at it and she's sucking it with me making statements like..."I want to see you make him cum" It wasn't long that we opened up about fantasy. I didn't want her to think I was perverted, just I loved to see her work, hear her talk and the thought of another guy with her turned me on. It worked out great, slower, but later anything went. We have enough trust with no jealousy that she can tell me what man or she tells me to pick one, she knows it turns me on and says the real turn on for her is to see how it gets me going. There is a great looking man that lives across the street, I know she thinks of him some, we even have a vib named after him. She is now so good at it she can talk and make me cum without touching.

 

I think after dildo's, we got one of those squirters, a toy you fill with your favorite love edible juice. She loves to feel that as we both play talk another man is cuming in her mouth or whatever.

 

Certainly it wasn't part of all our love making, but it became a large role. We started playing the other night, more of a quickie and one of those times I was having a hard time getting there, wasn't long she started the talk, said she needed a cock in her mouth and placed my finger in her mouth, she would suck a lil, then take it out and tell me how she was going to make him cum down her throat in such a sweet elegant voice.......BOOOMMM.

 

I think the issue is trust, once you have that and both are secure then you would be surprised what dirty thoughts we all have and want to do. She tells me women want things just as much as men.

 

These slow events got it. After some of our wild sessions pretending she is with other men, I sometimes ask her does it bother her, she just replies that she's a lucky girl.

 

However, we still haven't crossed the line, even though we talk about it, but mostly when having sex, once we cum, it's basically a mute issue. We have discussed it and it could probably happen if it was the right situation and it just happned, but like you I want to move it to the real thing. I know it's a great turn on for her, but we never do it.

 

Hopefully we both can make it cum true soon......I don't know we could go swing, but we have been talking alot recently about just visiting a swingers meeting, so I think she would. My wife is hot even at 45, great face structure, modeled when younger, a former Winston Cup girl... I'm sure with her grace and charm of a 30's hollywood actor, she would have plenty of guys to choose from.

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You know, if you keep important secrets from your partner you're going to cause harm to the relationship eventually anyway. Secrets have a way of getting out, and if they're big ones your partner is going to rightfully feel betrayed for you holding the secret in for so long. It's obviously very important to you.

 

I couldn't have said this better myself. It needs to come out and I commend you for taking that first bold step in bringing it up to her. Now that she's let you in to her fantasy (preferring a threesome with another woman) the lines of communication have opened and your relationship is now that much more likely to make it! That being said another poster mentioned a great idea in bringing a porn movie into the mix. My husband and I did that when we were still dating and just starting to become intimate. We learned based on the kind of movies we'd pick out what the other's likes and dislikes were. I also agree with the idea of bringing in a toy to the bedroom to kind of open your partner up to the idea of another man. Her letting you know that she is more receptive to the idea of having another woman might be her way of offering you a golden ticket though :D

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This situation is still pretty well where we are at. I so want to gently move things along but am afraid to bring it up. I thought it might be neat to seek out some lifetsyle people to socialize with and gradually see what might open up. Perhaps this is a backdoor way of opening up doors to new experiences. I do have a real gut feeling my wife would go for it once things move along. Are many lifestyle couples interested in meeting vanillas in a non swing situation or would they see this as deception? I guess having some friends and gradually moving things ahead is a natural way to enter into the lifestyle. This gradual way might seem like a natural evolution of a relationship. I am trying to work things out to ease us in as my wife is a very open and spontaneous and sexy woman with a large appetite for sex. MAYBE THSES MUSINGS ARE OFF BASE ---who knows?

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I thought it might be neat to seek out some lifetsyle people to socialize with and gradually see what might open up........ Are many lifestyle couples interested in meeting vanillas in a non swing situation or would they see this as deception?

 

It sounds like an off-premise social is just what you are looking for. Get on one of the swingers websites that is popular in your area and you should find plenty of them. Most in attendance are going to be swingers, and since it is off-premise, socializing is really more the focus than say at an on-premise club. Not surprisingly, swingers don't like feeling they are on display like animals in a zoo, so I don't know that you will find many willing to come to a purely vanilla event just so they can be the main exhibit. But, even at a swinging event, as long as you are up front early on that you are new and just trying to get a feel for things, I think you will find that you feel welcome. People that may be intent on playing that night may move on quickly once you tell them that, but there will be plenty others who are just looking to socialize right then, nothing more.

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Acrually what you are saying is interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of getting to know individual swinger couples as friends in a social sense and gradually seeing where things might lead once my wife was comfortable with them as friends. Knowing people in a social sense without expectations and then once a connection or possible attraction is there maybe allow fantasies to move to a physical connection. Remember I have not brought up the subject of swinging although my wife is very sexual and would like the experience once we get there depending on the couple. I feel if we naturally moved towards this it might work for us. Really this could happpen as an extension of a friendship. I guess it is a backdoor way of introducing things to my spouse. She would be more open if things moved along as a friendship gone into more. Perhaps it is like we accidently fell into the situation if it felt right. I wonder how many swinger couples would meet people kind of on those terms?

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Acrually what you are saying is interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of getting to know individual swinger couples as friends in a social sense and gradually seeing where things might lead once my wife was comfortable with them as friends. Knowing people in a social sense without expectations and then once a connection or possible attraction is there maybe allow fantasies to move to a physical connection. Remember I have not brought up the subject of swinging although my wife is very sexual and would like the experience once we get there depending on the couple. I feel if we naturally moved towards this it might work for us. Really this could happpen as an extension of a friendship. I guess it is a backdoor way of introducing things to my spouse. She would be more open if things moved along as a friendship gone into more. Perhaps it is like we accidently fell into the situation if it felt right. I wonder how many swinger couples would meet people kind of on those terms?

 

I think you would be much better being open and honest with your wife at the start. People who accidentally fall into swinging like you are describing tend to end up with more drama and guilt because feelings and expectations are not laid out ahead of time. I have seen sls profiles describing what you are talking about, and we won't touch that with a ten foot pole. When we meet couples one of the first things we ask is, "How long have you been doing this (swinging)?" I would think your wife would be confused if this happened and you didn't tell her first that people you are mtg are swingers. Are you going to pretend you met them at an online gardening site? I think starting out with deception is a big mistake. Just talk to her!

 

I know it sounds hot to just fall into bed with some close friends, but if you don't talk ahead of time you will have many more stressful talks after. Your wife may feel like she or you has cheated, she may feel like sex is inextricably tied to love, etc. If you have honest conversation up front, then you are much more likely to have a fun experience and loving aftermath. Swinging is all about communication. I really think you need to be able to be honest to do it successfully.

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I don't know anyone who identifies as a swinger who would go about befriending someone with the goal of eventually convincing her to have sex with them/him/her. You may very well make some actual "vanilla" friends one day where things happen organically like that, but trying to set it up without her pre-approval is pretty sneaky.

 

Why haven't you brought it up to your wife? You claim she would enjoy it once you get there, but you can't talk to her about it? That seems a bit off to me. If you two can't talk about it openly and honestly and move towards swinging together, how are you supposed to deal with any number of issues that arise because of it? So many people experience jealousy (either minor or major), differences in attitudes/expectations, differing fantasies that change expectations, etc. These are all things that should be addressed at some point to make sure you two are ready to be in that type of situation together.

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