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Desdemona1980

He's feeling more and I'm caught in the middle

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I only swing in on-premise club settings. My boundaries have been to swing with couple or if I had the consent of the spouse to play alone. I don't swing with the same people more than 2-3 times because I don't want friendships because I worry about feelings creeping in.

 

Last fall I met a couple at the club and we all hit it off. We danced, talked and eventually played, all of us. She found another guy that interested her after our first go around, and she went off with him and said she was okay with her husband and I playing alone. The night went great and I exchanged numbers with the wife.

 

Two days later I got a text from the husband. He and his wife wanted to meet fro dinner and drinks, and we were able to schedule that for a couple weeks later. In the meantime he continues to text me, and I decided to make sure it was okay with his wife, and it was. We met for dinner and I went back to their place (I've not done that before), and she didn't want to play so he and I played alone.

 

There was more texting and phone calls. We met again at the club and we ended up not playing but talking all night. He asked me out on a "date" and I said no. It was fine if his wife was around but I didn't want to blur the lines with dating. He was disappointed but no big deal. We played several times over the next two months, sometimes with his wife and sometimes without. The last time we played it was he and I. This time felt a little different. He was more romantic, more cuddling, more whispers and then during intercourse he whispered in my ear that he loved me.

 

I froze and then asked him to stop. We talked and I told him I was not comfortable with what he was feeling and he needed to tell his wife. I also told him we could no longer have contact of any kind.

 

It's been 10 weeks since that night, and I don't know if he has told his wife, but I am continuing to get texts and emails from him. Some mundane, some flirty and some way over the line.

 

My questions are;

Do I call his wife?

Do I MYOB and keep ignoring him?

I haven't returned to the club because I'm afraid to run into him, which is a bummer because it's the only decent one in the area.

Where did I go wrong?

I feel awful and I feel like by me pushing my boundaries about friendship and how many times I play with the same couple that I've brought this on myself. I'm sad and I'm afraid to jump back in. I don't want to be the girl that causes issues.

 

I need help. :confused::(

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I've had similar experiences and, no, it has nothing to do with playing multiple times. Some people's emotional needs can cause them to fixate.

 

I'd suggest texting and emailing your disinterest in a way that is very clear and then going back to the club. If he tries to talk to you there, tell him one more time to leave you alone. If he persists, ask your club hosts for help.

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You might also want to tell him that from this point forward you are going to set your Text and Email programs to automatically forward copies of his messages to his wife. Then make sure you do it. It then will be in his hands has to what his wife finds out.

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How about texting the wife and checking yalls schedules to make sure yall dont converge at the club at the same time? You shouldent have to do that tho as youve done nothing wrong. That would be going out of your way. Maybe you could text the wife "Im going to the club on wendsday from 9:00 to midnight. So yall fuck off during that time. Bitches.". :D

Maybe that is a bit extreme....but, ya get the picture.

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Guest screaminggood

Have you been explicit enough? "Thanks but I am finished playing with you. I'm moving on to other people and suggest you do the same."

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Are you sure he hasn't told his wife about everything? Perhaps she's ok with it. That doesn't change whether you're ok with it or not, but it certainly changes whether talking to his wife is a big deal or not.

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Okay, I thought I had been clear. I have told him I am no longer comfortable playing and would not play with him (or them) again.

 

I don't know if he has told his wife, which is why I don't know if I should forward texts/emails to her, or if I should MYOB. I'd like to go to the club this weekend, so maybe I'll go and see what happens, chances are they won't be there.

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I'd leave it the way things are - MYOB is a good rule to follow in most cases. If they are at the club and confront you, tell them both together. Otherwise, be cordial but clear in your message "hands off".

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I'd leave it the way things are - MYOB is a good rule to follow in most cases. If they are at the club and confront you, tell them both together. Otherwise, be cordial but clear in your message "hands off".

 

I agree with Angelkin here. Just go and enjoy yourself. If the issue is forced deal with it by talking to both of them together, then go on about your enjoyment of the evening.

 

I didn't see if you said you had answered any if his texts. Hopefully you have been ignoring them and you should continue to do so since you've already clearly told him you don't want any more contact. Replying, even to the mundane ones, will send the wrong message.

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Where did I go wrong?

(

 

This is the part that bothered me most. You did nothing wrong from what you have told us.

 

I don't think playing with a couple more than a few times is really an issue in most cases either. With some it can be an issue, with most it isn't. We gauge each couple/single on how they handle things. If they seem too attached or some other issues crop up. If things stay good we continue to play.

 

I would NOT restrict yourself from going to the club.

 

If you run into them then I would explain to both - that you had a great time but felt things were getting too close to relationship and less about NSA swinging. When a situation like that arises your policy is to end it there and not to look back. Thank for a good time, but it is not happening any more. Please stop contacting me.

 

Going forward I would be explicit with other couples. Here is what I am here for, if x, y or z occurs I am out, period, for good, no questions asked or taken. Tell them you just don't need the headache to comes with that type relationship or overtures. That way if it happens in the future you can say you just crossed the line and I am moving on.

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You can't pick who you fall in love with. You can avoid situations that put you into a spot where all the chemicals take over though.

 

I'd say the only real mistake was playing with him alone. It wasn't your mistake it was his/theirs. By removing the wife from the equation, it allows more room for "fun sex" to become pair bonding sex. Still not everyone would experience this so its not a always or never situation. Its a risk we all take with swinging, and a huge risk for couples who play alone/open marriages. Its why I never recommend playing alone until a couple is very experienced in swinging, and even then I'd advise against it.

 

Also, yes multiple meetings can increase this risk. Its not a fully proper analogy but think of "love" like a game of Russian roulette here. Every time you had sex increase the chances of the bullet being in the chamber. I say its not a proper analogy because its more of a build up and I think other factors need to be there as well for it to happen. Russian roulette is an "all or none" situation. While I feel in love with my wife when we were dating, I didn't fall in love with her the first time we had sex. That took some time.

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So falling in love is like shooting yourself in the head? :)

 

I've certainly thought so. ;)

 

I've had men (and a few women) use the L word on far too many occasions. It didn't matter if they were single or married, vanilla or spumoni, whether we'd had sex three times or a few dozen, and it didn't seem to matter at all that I was always clear that a relationship wasn't going to happen. Maybe that made me cynical, but I eventually came to think that "I love you" was, in many instances, code for "I need a change in my life," and had fuck all to do with me.

 

I do think that actual love, the sustainable sort that really sees the other person, is different than the unwanted and one sided declaration that I'm talking about here, btw.

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I've certainly thought so. ;)

 

I've had men (and a few women) use the L word on far too many occasions. It didn't matter if they were single or married, vanilla or spumoni, whether we'd had sex three times or a few dozen, and it didn't seem to matter at all that I was always clear that a relationship wasn't going to happen. Maybe that made me cynical, but I eventually came to think that "I love you" was, in many instances, code for "I need a change in my life," and had fuck all to do with me.

 

I do think that actual love, the sustainable sort that really sees the other person, is different than the unwanted and one sided declaration that I'm talking about here, btw.

 

:ditto:

 

I wholeheartedly agree!!! Well said, as always, Mauijanedoe!

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Maybe that made me cynical, but I eventually came to think that "I love you" was, in many instances, code for "I need a change in my life," and had fuck all to do with me.

 

There is much wisdom here. I also think one can, indeed, control with whom he falls in love. Love takes hard work ... and help from another.

 

Alura

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I've certainly thought so. ;)

 

I've had men (and a few women) use the L word on far too many occasions. It didn't matter if they were single or married, vanilla or spumoni, whether we'd had sex three times or a few dozen, and it didn't seem to matter at all that I was always clear that a relationship wasn't going to happen. Maybe that made me cynical, but I eventually came to think that "I love you" was, in many instances, code for "I need a change in my life," and had fuck all to do with me.

 

I do think that actual love, the sustainable sort that really sees the other person, is different than the unwanted and one sided declaration that I'm talking about here, btw.

 

This could be applied to several current threads going on around here.

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