A question for the bisexual ladies out there

Ladies, I need your advice.

I have tried asking for help on a forum for bisexual women but have been rebuffed (as in my account terminated and message deleted because I was not a woman). So I joined this forum in hopes that some of you can offer me some insight into the female mind.

Here is the situation.

My wife and I are in our mid-40's. We have been together for almost 20 years and have two kids. We have talked at great length about getting into swinging, but have never made a serious effort to do it. Several weeks ago we were invited to a party by a friend of a friend. We went with two other couples (our friends, and their friends whom we don't know that well). We didn't know anyone else there, but we are very social so we didn't mind. While we were at the party, we learned from the friends of our friends that our host and hostess (as well as several of their guests) were swingers.

Since my wife and I had already discussed the idea of swinging we were not bothered by this (though I distinctly got the feeling that the other couple was telling us this just to gossip). Despite our not being bothered by this the husband of this couple felt it necessary to reassure us that this was not a “swinger party”. However, he did add the caveat that our host and hostess did throw very wild parties. Our friends had to leave early (a phone call from the babysitter that they had a sick child). Soon after that their friends (who had invited us) also left (they got into an argument). Since we had drove ourselves and had met a lot of new people we didn't mind. So we stayed, had a few more drinks, etc.

About 11 pm I went upstairs to look for my wife. I had been playing pool in the basement with several other men and had last seen my wife socializing with a group of women upstairs. When I came upstairs I did not notice her in the living room (it was a split-level house). As I walked by the second flight of stairs leading to the bedrooms I noticed that there were two men hanging around the door to the master bedroom looking in. I walked up and glanced over their shoulder. On the bed was my wife, laying on her back, with a woman between her legs going down on her. Another woman was straddling my wife's face. Although I could not see her face I could tell that she was licking this woman's pussy. The woman was running her fingers through my wife's hair and grinding her crotch into my wife's face. I could also see my wife's hands moving up and around, caressing the woman's hips and ass.

The thing is, my wife has repeatedly told me she is NOT bisexual!

I was dumbfounded to say the least. I will not lie, I was incredibly turned on by what I was seeing, but I could not believe she was doing it. I stood there with the two other guys (in complete silence) and watched. Within a few minutes the hostess came walking up the stairs with another woman and loudly announced “Sorry boys, this is for ladies only!”. The two of them then proceeded past us into the bedroom. As the hostess began shutting the door I could see the other woman who had accompanied her upstairs begin to disrobe.

I spent the rest of the night in the living room at the bottom of the stairs with one eye up the hallway. Needless to say I was feeling a wash of strong emotions. To be honest, I wasn't actually that angry about her infidelity (I call it infidelity since we had never decided as a couple to actually pursue swinging yet). I was more upset by the fact that she had always told me she wasn't bisexual and the fact that she was doing this alone (like most men I fantasize about watching my wife with another woman and I was missing out on the chance to see it!). I pretended to need to use the bathroom a lot and would sneak down the hallway from the upstairs bathroom to listen in at the bedroom door. I heard everything from moaning, giggling, small talk (which I could not make out), and all out laughter – it was obvious my wife was having a great time with these ladies.

About 1:30 in the morning, when most the guests had left (or found other bedrooms, I honestly don't know). The door to the master bedroom finally opened up. Looking up the stairs I watched as the five women filed out and came downstairs. After reaching the bottom of the stairs they all told my wife how great it was meeting her and each gave her a full kiss on the lips (a couple with tongue), which my wife reciprocated. I honestly don't think my wife even realized I was there as this was happening. After the last kiss, I asked her if she was ready to go and her face turned ashen. She meekly said she was and we left the party.

We drove home in silence. I wasn't sure where to start and to be honest I just wanted to get home. The next morning we had a long talk about what happened.

My wife explained to me that she did not plan for any of that to happen. When I questioned her about her behavior (and even asked if she had lied to me about her sexuality) she said that she never had bisexual feelings when she was younger but she had been fantasizing about being with other women for several years and over the last couple years had found herself physically attracted to other women. She told me that she felt an immediate connection with the woman I had seen going down on her while they were talking downstairs. And that as the night progressed the woman became very flirtatious with her, until it culminated in a kiss and an invitation upstairs, which my wife accepted. Before going upstairs with her this woman excused herself and spoke with the hostess.

My wife said she had no idea it was going to be a group sex thing. She said it started with just her and the woman who had kissed her. Then the woman who I had seen straddling her face came in and asked my wife is she could join in. My wife admitted to being both apprehensive and aroused by this but that she did tell her yes. My wife said that before straddling her this woman asked her if she wanted to lick her pussy, to which my wife again replied yes. It was after this that I saw what was going on. My wife said she had no idea that the two other men and I were watching. I asked my wife if she went down on any of the other women (after the door was shut) and she told me she went down on all of them, more than once, and that they all went down on her multiple times as well. I asked her why she kept saying yes and at first she said she doesn't know but then admitted it was because she wanted to do it.

Here is where I need your insight ladies.

I have forgiven my wife and we are working past this. However, I am still having a tough-time believing that a woman who was straight 20 years ago could end up in a “lesbian-orgy” in her 40's. My wife is sticking to this story and has told me that it isn't uncommon for a woman's sexuality to change throughout her life (she has a friend who did not come out as a lesbian until she was in her late 30's). Is this accurate? Is it plausible that my wife really was straight 20 years ago but could now be bisexual?

If this has happened to any of you, I would very much like to know. If there is any truth to this I will accept my wife's answer and we will move on. If this isn't accurate then it means we have a lot more to work out and I would desperately like to know that as well.

Thank you.

I have forgiven my wife and we are working past this. However, I am still having a tough-time believing that a woman who was straight 20 years ago could end up in a “lesbian-orgy” in her 40's. My wife is sticking to this story and has told me that it isn't uncommon for a woman's sexuality to change throughout her life (she has a friend who did not come out as a lesbian until she was in her late 30's). Is this accurate? Is it plausible that my wife really was straight 20 years ago but could now be bisexual?

 

If this has happened to any of you, I would very much like to know. If there is any truth to this I will accept my wife's answer and we will move on. If this isn't accurate then it means we have a lot more to work out and I would desperately like to know that as well.

First, the thing that makes you bisexual is being bisexual. That, I think, is a little different than being willing to engage in same-sex sex, especially for women, whose sexuality seems to be intrinsically more fluid than male sexual expression (although I have a thought or two about that and don't completely agree). I'd have to say that sexual identity is probably fixed far earlier than middle age, but sexual expression can change over time, particularly in a setting where formerly unusual behavior is common in a social group, hence all the formerly straight now "bi" women who swing.

Your wife had been fantasizing about sex with another woman, and it isn't uncommon to expand your fantasy life and its scenarios as you age, In addition, your wife isn't the first woman to completely lose her ability to say no in the presence of desire and seduction. That's a routine thing for me and probably why I prefer to get to know our prospective playmates before we have sex rather than after. Add all that to an environment that selected for a female orgy, and that's most of the ingredients for what happened.

The final ingredient is your silent acquiescence before two more women entered the fray. Instead of stopping the activity (prior discussions or not, your wife was being unfaithful), you went off and did other things for a considerable amount of time. Your wife may not have consciously known you were there, but I believe some part of her was aware of your presence. I can pick out Mr. Doe's smell even in a very crowded setting, can find him in crowds without actually looking for him and am otherwise pretty aware of his location at all times. Most people aren't as conscious of stuff like that, but I'm pretty sure it happens to most people way back in the part of them that analyzes sensory input. In my world, silence implies agreement.

How's your wife feeling about all of this?

I know you wanted input from the ladies but really, is anyone the same person as they were twenty years ago? Why would it be so hard to believe that things and/or people change over two decades? It's all part of moving forward and evolving as a individual or a couple.

I'm just going to comment on my personal experience, since that is your question, not what happened with your wife. I'm 39. I've considered myself bisexual for about a year. I had very, very limited attraction to women in the past and no experience. When we started swinging I was interested only in sex with men, since my experience there was very limited also. I like to read and research, A LOT. I read a book called The Ethical Slut part of it discusses opening yourself to pleasure from people regardless of their gender. That spoke to me.

In swinging almost every girl I meet is "bi-curious" or bi. I decided to try curious for a while and see how it worked. It was great. Eventually I met someone who I have really nice chemistry with and who is a girl. So now I say I am bisexual. I really enjoy playing with girls and seek it out.

I don't feel like I chose to be bi, but I did make an active choice to try the activity and learned it was a good fit for who I am.

I would say your wife is in the try it, curious stage. Maybe she'll someday identify as bi, maybe not.

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you and your wife continue to spend time here and share your journey.

I identify as straight, but since getting into swinging have enjoyed girl/girl play. Do I think that makes me bisexual? Maybe. I experimented many years ago with a very short-lived lesbian relationship and decided it wasn't for me. Do I find other women attractive? Yes - however I don't fantasize about being with other women for the most part.

I think it's entirely possible to become more sexually open in your 40's and that can include bisexual experiences. For me, I've become more open to women and comfortable in my own sexuality to just enjoy sex for the sake of sex. For the record, sex with another woman is completely different from sex with a man IMHO.

In your situation, I do think you have a lot of talking to do. I don't think your wife is being untruthful about her newly discovered interest in women, but I suspect she may not fully understand it herself - and not enough to explain it to you. Her infidelity is concerning and you guys will have to work through that together and decide where to go from here.

First of all, welcome to the forum! This is a great open community to all, whether you swing or not. You'll find a lot of information and friendly people to help you on your swinging journey if you two so chose to travel on one.

Second, I haven't yet formulated my opinion/theory about the entire bisexuality in the LS but Baron-n-kitty's comment resonated with me. We're constantly changing into different people, physically, emotionally, and mentally. The cells and atoms that make up our skin right now isn't the same that we were born with. We mature in how we deal with our emotions as we grow older. Our knowledge and opinions grow and change from when we were younger. There are those who know their sexual orientation from an early age and others that become aware of it when they are older. To further muddle it, it might be a case of "situational" excitement that can encourage a woman or man to engage in new sexual experiences. Or it could be a gradual experimentation/experiences that lead a man or woman to be more comfortable in the evolution of their sexual orientation.

For myself, I was always 100% attracted to men but I couldn't deny that I did look at other women, either to compare myself to them or a general appreciation of their beauty. When we were in the beginning stages of swinging, we talked about whether I was interested in playing with other women. I was open to touching their breasts and kissing but nothing in terms of fingering or oral sex. Since we have started, I have found that if there is to be any female/female play, I have to be drawn to the other woman's personality. If she's engaging and flirtatious with me, then I will reciprocate but I am still not interested in anything beyond touching and kissing. Perhaps that will change in the future or perhaps not.

Do I find other women attractive? Yes - however I don't fantasize about being with other women for the most part.

I think it's entirely possible to become more sexually open in your 40's and that can include bisexual experiences. For me, I've become more open to women and comfortable in my own sexuality to just enjoy sex for the sake of sex.

This is pretty much where I'm at. I find women attractive but when I fantasize it's about men for the most part. I often say that I don't care where the pleasure comes from as long as it cums! I enjoy the differences in men and women, finding them erotic in different ways. I would never have even thought I had any bi tendencies until recently and I'm in my 40s.

For the record, sex with another woman is completely different from sex with a man IMHO.

I completely agree! In fact I sometimes bristle at the term "having sex" with another woman. To me sex is penetration so a woman can't do that. It's probably just a antiquated view but thought I'd throw it out there!

My personal experience sounds much like your wife's, as far as it being unplanned. I was at a party and women were kissing. A woman leaned in to kiss me and I went for it. I LOVE to kiss so it didn't matter if it was a man or a woman. I enjoyed it very much and ended up going to a back room and playing with several people. I enjoy pleasuring my playmates, male or female, so whatever that means, as long as I enjoy it too, I'm game for. I'm still hesitant to go down on a woman but only because I worry about my skills. Thankfully I have some friends willing to let me practice on them!

I also don't quite understand the whole "bi" vs. "bi-curious" thing. There is no "hetero-curious". To me bi-curious implies that you are curious about bisexual activity, i.e. you haven't tried it yet. If you've tried it and you liked it then aren't you just bi? That's how I identify myself. Does that mean I play with every woman I meet? No, but I don't play with every man I meet either (well...). Does that mean I always want F/F play? Nope, I need a cock to be fully satisfied.

Sorry, MALE here, but your 20 years together statement and your disbelief that no one could change that much. Personally, I'd disagree. I owned an on premises club for 11 years and originally had some pretty critical thoughts about what some of our guests enjoyed. I thought to myself "how could anyone do/enjoy "that"? (pick an activity)... In the last 6-7 years, I not only enjoy many of those things, but find that I engage in, and enjoy a variety of activities with my wife that I would have been, at the least, HIGHLY insulted if it had suggested. So YES people can, and do change attitudes, sometimes to an extreme that would amaze you... it certainly surprised me!!

In the right positive moment, in the right positive environment, where we feel safe and engaged, we will do the things we never considered before because everything was honest for us to be who we truly are, yet before was unrealized.

The first time I was with a woman, she undressed me , kissed me and moments later had me on my knees licking away at her pussy, while our husbands watched. It was amazing to me how quickly my heart, mind and body swept into this new and wonderful experience.

Thank you ladies (and gentlemen too) for all your comments. I truly appreciate it.

I don't think your wife is being untruthful about her newly discovered interest in women, but I suspect she may not fully understand it herself - and not enough to explain it to you.

First, the thing that makes you bisexual is being bisexual. That, I think, is a little different than being willing to engage in same-sex sex, especially for women...

I think you two hit the proverbial nail on the head with this. Truth be told, my wife has not once used the word “bisexual”. I have been the only one to use that term. In part because I didn't know how else to describe or explain what I had witnessed.

My wife has told me she has no interest in pursing a relationship with another woman. However, she has admitted that she would like to experience same-sex sex again (she really enjoyed her evening with those ladies).

your wife isn't the first woman to completely lose her ability to say no in the presence of desire and seduction

This is actually not the first time this has happened to her. When she was in college (before we met). She ended up in a threesome with two men at a fraternity party. From what I know of the story, she was apprehensive, concerned about her reputation, but also very aroused. She doesn't regret it, but has acknowledged that if the situation had been just a little different it would have never happened.

How's your wife feeling about all of this?

My wife is wrestling with a lot of guilt. Since we are still new to this I'm not sure how you all will react to this, but the truth is we have a very strong marriage. Even though I have forgiven her and am being very supportive, I can tell it bothers her that she did this behind my back.

The final ingredient is your silent acquiescence before two more women entered the fray.

I agree with this 100%. And I have told my wife this. Truth be told, my original thought when I first saw what was happening was that I was going to get to watch it all and one of my fantasies (i.e., seeing my wife with another woman) was going to be fulfilled. When the hostess approached I was in fact a coward. I should have spoke up and maybe she would have let me watch given the circumstances. Maybe not, but we'll never know.

I would say that the situation took me by surprise as much as it did my wife. I was truly torn. I was upset she didn't talk to me about it, I was upset I was missing it, but at the same time I knew my wife was enjoying it so much on some level I would have felt guilty if I stopped it and ruined it for her. My wife asked me if she had come to me after being invited upstairs and asked my thoughts if I would have approved, and I can honestly answer yes.

Thank you again for all your insight.