Couple too close to us

To this point we have only played a good distance away from where we live. We met a couple on vacation and I feel it was safe that they wouldn't know anyone we do. We look forward to what is now our yearly cruise with them and the few times we have met on dry land.

My husband and I enjoy the Jersey shore music scene and we are always seeing the same people at the clubs we go to. Our common enjoyment of music and the scene opened up new friendships. Recently we talking about our cruise to a few couples. The subject of a nude beach came up and we admitted we went. That brought up the topic of the nude beach right here in NJ. We know about it but have always been afraid of seeing people we knew. One of the women said they go and yes others we might know go too. No names were mentioned of who. Then the conversation about vacationing turned to Hedonism. They said they had gone. We of course know about the place but not that much. We asked what might be stupid questions but didn't want to ask too many questions. I admit I was getting a little shy and quiet. My husband asked the Is it true questions.

Later that night the wife approached me away from everyone and asked if we ever did swinging. I know I had to be either totally white or bright red. I asked why she asked and she said if we were talking about Hedo we must have talked about it. I know I was uncomfortable discussing this and she saw it. She assured me she would not bring it up again but anytime I wanted to talk or ask a question we could talk. With that we went back to where our husbands and others were by the bar.

Back home I told my husband about the conversation I had. We just don't know if we should do this with people we always see and it being close to home. We also trying to figure who else from all the people we see them talking to are into the lifestyle.

You are smart to think about jumping in with people you know but don't know. Most on here advised against us being with friends. You say the couple are more aquaitances than friends that you socialize with. I would think that others you see with that couple might also be in the lifestyle. Don't know how much you told the wife about your past. If she asked you then she must have an idea. From a personal note, my wife and I swing with very close friends and we have no regrets

Some people go to great lengths to avoid being seen by people they know...then end up seeing someone they know anyway. See, lots of people have the same idea, and if they are in your area and go some distance away, there's some chance the place they go some distance away to for swinging purposes is the same place you go to. You just never know.

I know of a couple who were on vacation in Israel. They were from a small town in Oregon, population about 7,000. While there in Israel, they ran into a couple they knew from that small town. Totally bizarre.

I read about one couple here who ran into their daughter at a swing event. Shocked the living daylights out of the daughter, and she bolted.

I read about a couple here who played with a couple who was older than they are, and some time later played with a couple younger than they are. Then, at a swinger event some time after that, they ran into both couples there. They decided to introduce them...only to find out the wife in the younger couple was the daughter of the older couple.

One thing to think about; if, while swinging, you run into a couple you know who are also swinging...they stand just as much to lose by discovery as you do. I mean, how do they tell someone such that your secret is blown? I mean, imagine the conversation...

Person A: "Hey I've got some juicy gossip! I found out that Jane and her husband are swingers!"

Person B: "Really? How did you find that out?"

Person A: "Well, my wife and I were at a swinger event..."

That conversation would never happen

I agree with bbarnsworth on this subject. We were very paranoid about meeting someone we knew, then we did, and it was fine. As long as swinging is on the fringe of society, it will be a relatively safe environment for discretion.

I'm with bb and JandK. Now sure, I would not want my vanilla friends to find out about this at all, but if I run in to them AT a swinger event, well, they are not exactly vanilla friends are they? Keep in mind, I am VERY VERY paranoid about friends finding out. It happened to a guy I know and it destroyed his life so bad he ended up commuting suicide less than a year later, so I am probably more paranoid than most about getting outed. I still probably would not play with them, but wouldn't mind them knowing as I know they do it to. They would have to out themselves to out me anyway. I'm not gonna go announcing this stuff to my neighbors or co-workers, but if I run into them at a place only swingers go, no big deal.

Trying to make friends into swingers is the problem here. You never know what will happen after you start the process...however, they ALREADY ARE swingers. In this case, you are already both "partners in crime". At the same time, it didn't sound like they were asking you to jump into bed with them, just if you "wanted to talk or ask a question". It could be that (like this board( it's nice to have someone you can talk about this with. Of course, I could be totally wrong and they were just trying to see if you are interested in joining the swinging ranks without insulting you if you weren't. Let us know where this goes...

I think many people overthink this whole thing. Just because a couple is classified, “Vanilla” doesn’t mean they are not open to having sex. Just because a couple is in the lifestyle doesn’t mean they are open to having sex with anybody that happens to be in the lifestyle. Being in the lifestyle means nothing more than a married person who’s requirements for having sex with somebody isn’t limited to being married to that person.

Over the years I can’t tell you the number of times we’ve had a preconceived notion that a couple would be opposed to lifestyle activities only to find that the opposite was true. I can understand being cautious about advertising your involvement in the lifestyle, I also know that this lifestyle is a lot more prominent than most people think.

I think the first area of consideration in broaching this subject with another couple should be, “is this a couple that you are interested in playing with.” If you wouldn’t consider playing with them, you have no reason to enter into this discussion with them. If they are a couple, you would consider playing with and they bring the subject up, they are most likely interested in playing with you. You might think about professing that the lifestyle is a subject that you have discussed but aren’t that knowledgeable with.

Discussing a subject doesn’t mean that you are admitting to anything, it means that you are open minding regarding a subject. It might surprise you in what you might learn by talking to some of your, “Vanilla Friends.” You can be interested and open minded regarding a subject without being committed to it.

To me I think of the lifestyle in much the same way as I do in going to a public social dance, (if they even have those anymore). Going to a dance doesn’t mean you are obligating yourself to dance with everybody there, it mean everybody there enjoys dancing.

It happened to a guy I know and it destroyed his life so bad he ended up commuting suicide less than a year later, so I am probably more paranoid than most about getting outed.

SA, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a horrible experience for him (and to a lesser extent, you)! I'm sure they made his life a living hell, but I have to wonder how much of the feeding frenzy was a result of the smell of blood in the water. Do you think how he reacted - his admittance of guilt, essentially - may have exacerbated the harassment? Whereas if he looked them dead in the eye and showed no fear or guilt, would he have lessened the impact by weeding out the weaker of the bullies, and left himself to only deal with the hardcore assholes? It's not a criticism - I've certainly never been in his shoes, and I obviously can't judge - but I'm just wondering, for the sake of others out there who may have to deal with the same thing.

We used to have a don't-play-near-home rule, too. Then as we got older and more relaxed about things, we stopped caring so much. We're discreet, but if someone finds out, oh well. We're not ashamed of what we do, we aren't hurting anyone, and in fact we'd love to answer honest questions about it if anyone asked. We think swinging rocks.

I think if you're really uncomfortable with it, don't get involved. But if we were in your shoes, we'd be stoked that a fun, easy-going, friendly local couple had a similar interest in our hobby. It doesn't necessarily mean we'll have the right chemistry to play together, but even having friends to hang out with with whom you can discuss anything is a bonus for us.

Hi Shore. We may be one of the couples down the shore you would meet if you played with our music lovers group. You may already know us and have no idea we do what we do. We were introduced to one couple who invited us to join them at Gunnisons. The group are all great people. Some are married and many are single. I felt a little threatened at first in that many of the women were divorced. Some of the men are too. We have become friends with all. As a bonus there are bonuses. PM us if you want.

SA, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a horrible experience for him (and to a lesser extent, you)! I'm sure they made his life a living hell, but I have to wonder how much of the feeding frenzy was a result of the smell of blood in the water. Do you think how he reacted - his admittance of guilt, essentially - may have exacerbated the harassment? Whereas if he looked them dead in the eye and showed no fear or guilt, would he have lessened the impact by weeding out the weaker of the bullies, and left himself to only deal with the hardcore assholes? It's not a criticism - I've certainly never been in his shoes, and I obviously can't judge - but I'm just wondering, for the sake of others out there who may have to deal with the same thing.

 

We used to have a don't-play-near-home rule, too. Then as we got older and more relaxed about things, we stopped caring so much. We're discreet, but if someone finds out, oh well. We're not ashamed of what we do, we aren't hurting anyone, and in fact we'd love to answer honest questions about it if anyone asked. We think swinging rocks.

 

I think if you're really uncomfortable with it, don't get involved. But if we were in your shoes, we'd be stoked that a fun, easy-going, friendly local couple had a similar interest in our hobby. It doesn't necessarily mean we'll have the right chemistry to play together, but even having friends to hang out with with whom you can discuss anything is a bonus for us.

It was years ago, before my wife and I had ever even really seriously considered getting in to the lifestyle. We had discussed threesomes here and there, but never really seriously talked about it. As for the guy, well, once he and his wife made a move on my best friend and he started to tell everyone about it, the guys family found out. They owned a large portion of land just outside of town and while his parents lived in the main house at the front of the property, he lived in another house at the back of the property. They kicked him off the land. He stood his ground, explained why he did not see anything wrong with it and why it was really none of their business. Having no place to live, they turned to his wife's family, who let her move in, but not him. So he was literally out on the streets. Then his co-workers found out somehow and he was treated much differently at work and ended up losing his job. I was not that close to him, more a friend of a friend of a friend kind of deal. His wife was also my wife's sister's boyfriends cousin. One of those small world kinda things. But neither of us really knew either of them very well. Perhaps he could have handled things differently, I don't really know. Either way, it has scared me shitless about getting outed the way my best friend reacted and then everyone else I knew. I actually do not associate with any of those people anymore, except my best friend, who also felt terrible about telling everyone after he found out what happened. He is still not a person I would share secrets with as when this guy gets high or drunk all sorts of things come out. He's been sober for a few years now, but that has been the case before as well, so no telling if he will relapse again or not.

Sorry to kinda hi-jack this thread with this information, but I guess it is kinda relevant.

It was years ago, before my wife and I had ever even really seriously considered getting in to the lifestyle. We had discussed threesomes here and there, but never really seriously talked about it. As for the guy, well, once he and his wife made a move on my best friend and he started to tell everyone about it, the guys family found out. They owned a large portion of land just outside of town and while his parents lived in the main house at the front of the property, he lived in another house at the back of the property. They kicked him off the land. He stood his ground, explained why he did not see anything wrong with it and why it was really none of their business. Having no place to live, they turned to his wife's family, who let her move in, but not him. So he was literally out on the streets. Then his co-workers found out somehow and he was treated much differently at work and ended up losing his job. I was not that close to him, more a friend of a friend of a friend kind of deal. His wife was also my wife's sister's boyfriends cousin. One of those small world kinda things. But neither of us really knew either of them very well. Perhaps he could have handled things differently, I don't really know. Either way, it has scared me shitless about getting outed the way my best friend reacted and then everyone else I knew. I actually do not associate with any of those people anymore, except my best friend, who also felt terrible about telling everyone after he found out what happened. He is still not a person I would share secrets with as when this guy gets high or drunk all sorts of things come out. He's been sober for a few years now, but that has been the case before as well, so no telling if he will relapse again or not.

 

Sorry to kinda hi-jack this thread with this information, but I guess it is kinda relevant.

That kind of small-mindedness really grinds my gears, when people will so quickly judge something they think they know about. Do they know everything? Nope, and they don't care. They know "enough". We're from a pretty conservative part of the world. Not quite as extreme as the bible belt, but certain things just aren't discussed around those parts. Threesomes are one of them. I don't think people are necessarily naive or inexperienced, but nobody would admit to it on pain of death. I don't think I could live in a part of the world where my people took it upon themselves to "correct" you like that, essentially shoving their belief system down your throat.

Hopefully in time swinging will become better accepted and not so stigmatized.

Thank you for your pro and con answers.

We talked about what we were going to do when we saw the people we always see and who I sort of mentioned what I mentioned. We figured they knew we had something in the past. I we figured they did what they did. Not knowing if they would want to be with us I asked my husband if he would want to if it came up be with them. My husband gave me his typical answer, What do you think? I pressed him about what he thinks of her. I know this is terrible but we were talking physical traits and physical attractions. The first couple we did this were physically attractive and we saw them nude on a nude beach on vacation before we ever discussed swapping. My feeling is if I wasn't attracted on some level it wouldn't have happened.

We saw that couple like we knew we would. Privately I asked her more questions and she wouldn't let on to who else we might see who does this. I appreciated that she wouldn't talk about others. She did say she could tell us where on Gunnisons beach they sit and if we wanted to sit with them we could join them. I figure beach weather is still a few months away. For the rest of the night I wondered if every couple she talked to was part of her group.

Do you think others have already labeled you because you were talking to her? It's nice to play a game in your head of who is and who isn't but don't jump to conclusions. Also she hasn't invited the two of you to swing, she invited you to join her in a social setting. It may lead to more or just a way to become friends and a chance for you to meet new people.

Most people on a nude beach are not looking to swing.